


All For Us

by KeithMeLance



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drug Use, Friendship, High School, Hurt No Comfort, Jean Kirstein Swears, Jean is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, POV Jean Kirstein, Romance, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 119,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22090045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeithMeLance/pseuds/KeithMeLance
Summary: Life is hard.But math is harder.So, when the new student struggles in class, Jean finds himself helping him, not knowing what it’ll lead to...
Relationships: Marco Bott & Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 160
Kudos: 204





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by All For Us - Labyrinth, Zendaya from Euphoria 
> 
> Hi, this is my first work here, so it'll be mostly me trying to figure out how it works 
> 
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> I DO NOT ALLOW TRANSLATION OF THIS WORK

I didn’t like high school. Well, I didn’t like a lot of things. Which is kind of a problem when you’re in the year when people ask you to think about what you like to find your future job. The last year of high school. For me, it was probably going to be the worst year of school. But whatever, every year was the worst. 

I’ll keep on sitting through classes, taking notes when it seemed important, not really paying attention to what was going on. School stopped being interesting somewhere when I was twelve. I wanted to put an end to this unbearable pain that it was, to have to push yourself to do something you don’t like. 

However, my mother wanted me to succeed. She said if I wanted to stop going to school, I’ll have to find my own house and a job by myself. Fortunately, I managed to get acceptable grades. But it’s not like I was really involving myself in school life. Sometimes, I would spend hours looking through the windows. 

And like in every good teenage romance, everything changed on the first day of my last year. The teacher was explaining something while giving each students their timetable. I didn’t bother to look at it. Everyone in class was already talking. And I was focusing on the sketches I was doing on my notebook. Drawing was not something I hated to do.  
Neither was listening to music, but I couldn’t be that disrespectful in class.

The hardest part was to ignore all the laughter from the other high schooler. I wanted to punch them, for no reason just because they were so annoying. 

Usually, they’ll be loud as hell for the rest of the period, but not today. Almost every sound stopped when the teacher started talking again. I found it strange, but not enough to actually concentrate on it. Until the teacher said the magic words:

“… a new student.”

I lifted my head. There was a new guy, standing right beside the teacher. Immediately, I found myself disgusted by him. No one ever could wear such a bright smile on the first day of school. It was humanly impossible. His bright personality almost made me throw up. 

“Go on, introduce yourself.” 

“Hi everyone, I’m Marco Bodt. I just moved here with my family. I’m really excited to spend a year with you!”

Some people greeted him as well. Mostly girls. I was betting he’ll get popular. He was the kind of guy that get along with everyone, never in trouble, always smiling and remembering everyone’s birthdays. And people will always be happier around him. The proof was that almost everyone in the room was smiling at him. Even our grumpy teacher, Ackerman (he called everyone by their surname, so I decided to do the same with him). If he was smiling, there was definitely something wrong. 

“Great, now that’s done, would you mind take a seat? You can go next to Kirstein.” 

That’s it. This ass looked at me with his vicious smile. I had the feeling he was going to make my year a journey through hell. Like, he couldn’t leave the quiet kid alone in his damn side. And this Bodt wasn’t making my life easier. He sat on the empty chair next to me. 

“Hey, I’m Marco.”

“I know," I replied a bit too harshly.

“Who are you?”

“Jean.” 

“Nice to meet you Jean!”

Well, he didn’t get my name wrong, that was one good thing. When he looked at me, his eyes were literally sparkling. Before I could do anything, he found my notebook. 

“Wow, you were drawing?”

“Yeah, I was… “

“That’s really good! Do you want to be an artist? You could definitely be!” 

“That’s none of your business.” 

“Right, sorry.”

Without stopping smiling, he took his stuff out of his bag. The class started. I spend the whole thing wondering how he could be so happy, so enthusiastic about going to school. I knew everyone was not sharing my vision of school, but this dude was brighter than the sun while half of the people in this room looked depressed. And most of them really were. 

The thing was this school was very prestigious. The trouble-makers or the ones with difficulties were not allowed here. Moreover, it was expensive as hell. They expected you to have high grades, to be perfect. If not, you were ‘invited’ to get out of there. 

Teachers were putting a lot of pressure on students. We had to aced all of our classes. Exams were hard as fuck. Students were competing against each other. You couldn’t have a real friendship. 

And each year, someone killed themselves. That’s not even a joke. There was at least one suicide per year. Did the school care? Of course not. They hired a psychologist but honestly, he was not worth the money they spend. Whatever, money was not a problem for them. They were making a kind of ceremony for those who died. Except no one really cared. One week after, their name was forgotten. 

The point was that this school broke people down. Marco, as joyful as he is, wouldn’t last long here. I even started to feel bad for him. Poor guy didn’t know what was coming.  
Class ended before I realized. English wasn’t one of the subjects I liked. If there was one I liked. I threw my notebook in my bag. 

“Jean?” Marco called. 

I was surprised he would consider talking to me again, especially since I wasn’t the nicest person here. 

“What?” 

“Are classes here always this hard?”

I peeked at the notes he took during the hour. There was a lot of question marks. Like I said, he was doomed. Still, he smiled. It was like he truly wanted to succeed, not just come to school because his mom wanted him to do so. I felt bad for him, so I decided to help him. Also, to have a better karma I guessed. 

“Yeah, they’re quite difficult.”

“I’ve been told the level here was high, but this is beyond what I expected!”

And just like that, he laughed. How could he joke about this? He was a mystery to me. Like a living puzzle. Oddly, I felt the need to solve it. Or him (this is a weird metaphor, I know). 

“Which school did you go to before?” 

“Oh, it’s really far away.” he answered while looking down. “I doubt you know about it.” 

“Okay… I … I have math right now, are you with me?”

“Yes, I think so.” 

We went together and sat together in math. He was doing better than in English, even if he asked me some questions when it was getting hard for him. Because I was the only one who was going to answer them. 

Most of all, the teachers here didn’t wait for students. They were giving theirs lessons, and if you didn’t understand, that was your problem. Marco was nearly left behind. I didn’t want him to fail on the first day. 

“You’re very smart Jean, thank you!” he said after I explained something to him. 

“I… What?”

It was the first time someone called me smart. I felt strange after. I was sure it was fake, he messed with me, there were no other explanations. He was too kind, too kind… that was unreal. My mom wasn’t as nice to me as he was. And I’ve knew him for one hour. Or he was an angel. Or a god for what I knew. But he couldn’t be human. A human, by nature couldn’t be this kindhearted. 

“Are you okay?” 

Marco brought me back to reality. He was staring at me with puppy eyes. I had spaced out for a few minutes as it seemed. 

“I was just thinking.” 

The rest of the morning went like this. Marco being nice to me. Me trying to figure out what was wrong with him. 

That was new for me, I used to be alone all day long. Friendship wasn’t part of my life. But I wasn’t that “friends are a waste of time” kind of guy. Friends came and went, and I let them do what they wanted. Most of the time, they wanted to put an end to our friendship. Whatever, I could do all I needed to by myself. Who need someone to go to the movies with them anyway? 

Not me, but I guessed Marco was like this. Lucky him, I was his only friend. Was I even his friend? I mean, we sat together, we talked, we ate lunch together, that’s what friends usually do, am I right? So, we were supposed to be friends. 

Lunch went fine. I showed him the cafeteria, but he brough his own meal. White rice with carrots and some chicken wings. It looked appetizing. Unlike the so-called cheeseburger they were selling to students. The only thing I would eat for the rest of the year. 

“Is it good?” asked Marco after I took a few bites. 

“No. It tastes like shit.”

“Oh.”

He looked down at his food. 

“Do you want some of mine?”

I stared at him. He couldn’t be serious. He probably put poison in it. Why would he have killed me though? Because of my family? But he already ate some of it. He might have drunk the antidote. I didn’t know him; thus I couldn’t trust him. Hell, even if I knew him I still wouldn’t trust him. 

I had the feeling Marco had a ton of friends and that I would hang out with him just for the day. They all forgot about me, my ex-friends I mean. I betted he wasn’t forgotten by anyone. Especially not by the girls. 

I noticed how they looked at him. He was cute, without trying to be. First of all, his smile as exasperating as it was, made him shine. Second, his body was covered with freckles. Freckles are the best thing ever. 

“Jean?”

“Yes? Uh, I mean, no I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You looked like you were in another world.”

“I said I’m fine.”

Marco stopped smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter!
> 
> Feel free to comment and leave kudos! 
> 
> Take care of you <3


	2. Chapter 2

I spend the entire night thinking I totally ruined my chance of being friends with him. It turned out he was really cool. And not completely stupid. Unlike me. I wished I could say it was the first something like this happened to me. But it wasn’t.

The first time was with this ass of Eren Jaeger. We met back in middle school. Before I stopped liking school. He took a part in it by the way. The more I wondered about it, the more I found similarities in both of the stories.

He came in my life on the first day of school. Like any time in my life, I had no friends. I think he found me pathetic and he tried to help me. To be a savior. He sucked in class. So, I helped him. And by helping I mean I was doing all the work for him. When he wasn’t getting perfect grades, he blamed it on me. He stayed by my side a few weeks. After that, new people came into his life, and he let me down. He forgot who I was.

During the time we spend together, I remembered thinking he was awesome at first. Better than I could ever be. Eren was popular, got along with everyone, had a huge number of friends, or I as liked to call them, minions. I was wrong to think that was who I wanted to be. He used me to fill the gap where he was alone. That bastard. Took me a year to figure it out.

For a twelve year-old boy, being rejected by people of his age was the worst thing to happen. It was like being broken in a million of pieces. I guess it was there I noticed nothing wasn’t as happy as grow-ups would tell me.

If Eren taught me something, it was that I couldn’t trust anybody. He showed me how people really work. My life was filled with lies, but I was seeing clearly through them. I opened my eyes to what I was supposed to perceive in each person. In which way they were bothering me, and what I could do to remove them off my path.

I refused to see Marco the same way I was seeing Eren. They were different, right? At least I was hoping they would be. I didn’t know this human sunshine enough to say. Maybe I’ll never know.

Marco could never be my friend. He would eventually get tired of me. They all do.

“I’m so fucking stupid…”

I wasn’t crying. Only powerless people cry. And I had the power, the power to make my life what I’d like it to be. Even if they thought I was a shitty person, it wouldn’t stop me for doing what I want. I was probably just being selfish. Well, someone had to care for me, and I was the best one to do it, right? No, I was the worst. 

Next morning, I was walking to school when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hi Jean!”

It was eight and the sky was still dark, but this smile blinded me. Seriously, this dude radiated pure light.

“Hey, _Marco_.”

“You walk to school?”

Yes, the rich kid walked to school. Because he didn’t want to give his mother the pleasure of him enjoying all of her expensive shit. She could hope, he would never let her drive him anywhere.

“No, I’m driving, can’t you see it?”

Apparently, he took my lame response as a joke. His laugh filled the deep silence of that morning.

“I know it’s a bit weird to ask you that, but could you give me your notes from last year? I really want to catch it up with the rest of the class.”

He looked quite embarrassed. But it meant he was serious about school and he wanted to make it to college. Nothing like someone I know.

“Why would it be weird?”

“Well, I barely know you, and I’m new here…”

“Yeah I’ll get them for you.”

“Thank you Jean!”

I swore he was about to hug me. Seeing my not-so-friendly face probably discouraged him from even trying to.

“I’ll bring them tomorrow.”

“Okay!”

He walked alongside with me. That surprised some people who knew me for being the lone angry wolf. I was surprised too. Marco didn’t seem to mind hanging with me. What was wrong with him?

If it wasn’t enough, we had classes together all day long. I also guessed we’d have lunch together once more. Both of us, alone. Awkward. More than when I was eating by myself.  
Anyway, soon people would come and tell Marco about me, how I was a shitty person. And soon he’d stop bothering me with his selfless persona.

The only seconds I had to breathe were when he left me to go to his locker. His was far away from mine. I sighed more than I should have. He should have really hurry up and get rid of me already. His presence was too much to stand. My body and my mind weren’t made for relationships. Especially when they were between me and nice people, too nice people. They tended to think I should have been agreeable and friendly to them since they were to me.

Good for them, I didn’t have to. Friendship isn’t supposed to expect something in return. Like every relationship in general. I owned them nothing. But their greedy little asses thought it was rude of me. They could think what they wanted; they were nothing important to me. So, I let them leave. I didn’t need anyone in my life, I could live it alone. Plus, I could annoy some douchebags while doing it.

“Ready for Biology?”

I almost punched him from fear. Marco didn’t seem to grab the concept of announcing his presence before talking. Like, is it hard to cough a little?

“Yes, if you want…” I grumbled as I took my book.

“Your locker looks sad.”

I squinted at him. The fuck was wrong with this dude? Was he trying to be funny? Or did he really thought my locker could feel emotions?

“Why don’t you ask him what’s wrong then?”

“That’s not what I meant!” he giggled like a child. “There are no photos or decorations. It looks … plain.”

“Thanks.”

I slammed the door shut. School didn’t even start, and I was already pissed off. But it wasn’t like I had a choice.

I led Marco to our biology room. He was extremely excited to have this class apparently. The teacher was Dr Hanji. They insisted on the ‘doctor’ and I quote “I didn’t do all these years of studying to be disrespected by children who don’t know what a PhD is.”. Their lessons were quite… interesting. You could say they were passionate about what they taught.

We had just entered the room when they jumped on us.

“Jean! So nice to see you again! I thought you left the school! Still grumpy as I see!”

Yes. They were that energetic. At 8 am. I didn’t know how they could be alive.

“And you’re the new student?”

“Hello, I’m Marco Bodt.”

“I’m delighted to meet you!” they said as they shook frantically his hand. “I see you befriended Jean? That’s a great feat you’ve achieve!”

“Uh… Thank you…?”

“Now boys go sit down. Class is about to start!”

I followed Marco and sat next to him. He was smiling. Of course. Students filled the room, most of them were holding a cup of coffee. Disgusting.

“Good morning everyone! I’m Dr Hanji and I’ll be your biology teacher for this year! Some of you might already know me, so I’ll skip the presentation. Let’s go straight into the first chapter: genetics!”

They didn’t lose time. Neither did Marco. He was answering every question they asked, or at least he tried to. They were exceptionally hard. And without me noticing, I stared at him for the whole class. He was really into it. Like, he knew a lot of stuff and was writing down everything Dr Hanji said.

They were talking about something called meiosis. I cared about meiosis as much as I cared about the Kardashians. Just so you know, I didn’t give a shit about them. Seemingly, Marco did care about it. He probably dreamt of being a surgeon or a doctor. Saving lives would be a great purpose for someone like him. 

The bell rang before I did anything. Which was kind of like how I supposed the rest of the year would go.

“They're just amazing,” exclaimed Marco while we were going out. “This is literally the best biology class I've ever had.”

“Dr Hanji is too much…”

“Too much what?”

“Too much everything. Unbearable.”

“I think they're making me want to learn more and more about biology!”

“Okay.”

That was the lamest answer I had ever given to somebody. Wait, I said it a lot of times already… Whatever, the way I replied to sunshine boy was lame, ‘okay’ was lame, I was lame.  
Why didn’t I ask about what he wanted to be? Or why he learnt about biology? Or just about what he liked? 

Because I was extremely stupid, selfish, dumb, narrow-minded, grumpy, resentful, angry, annoyed, rash, moody, bitter, scared… 

“Jean?”

Once more, Marco made me get out of the never-ending circle of my thoughts. 

“What?”

“Do you really want to be friends with me? Because I feel like you don’t like me at all.”

I had the impression my heart broke apart.


	3. Chapter 3

In my life, I had a ton of panic attacks. Some of them were really hard to bear. Most of them left me like a mess. The only thing they had in common was they never happened in front of anyone. I was always alone, crying ridiculously in my room. They were times when they occurred more often. But I couldn’t tell exactly when. Or even why. It happened because of the stupidest stuff: internet was down, my computer dying, a book or a movie, or when I couldn’t find one specific episode of a show. Really dumb stuff. 

I looked up on the internet, but nothing they said really helped me. So, it kept on happening over and over again. They were a part of my life. It was a pain in the ass for some minutes then everything was back to normal. Still, I’d rather not have to get through them.

Now I’ve explained this, you may wonder: did I had a panic attack in front of Marco right in the middle of a hallway? 

The answer is no. 

I managed to gather myself and be less of a shitty person. Well, I tried to be. Nothing easy for a natural-born douche. 

I didn’t know why I reacted like that. It wasn’t like friends mattered to me. So, why? Why? What made _him_ more special to my eyes than the others? 

Most of all, why did I have to lie to him? 

“Sorry. I’m just going through a lot of bad things right now and it’s making me lose my mind. I didn’t want to be harsh to you.”

Lies. Lies. Maybe I was hoping he would stick with me a bit longer if I lied. That was the only way people could like me. If I lied. If I told them what they want to hear. If I showed them who they want to see in me. 

“It’s nothing,” replied Marco carefully. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I just thought you didn’t like me.”

So sad. I almost cried. Seriously, this dude was too nice for his own good. Being nice never announced something good would happen in your life. And, sunshine boy, was about to have the shittiest life ever. I didn’t feel sorry for him, he just had to not be this kind.

We weren’t in the same class until the afternoon. Which gave me a lot of air to breath. This boy was making me overthink way too much than usual. And I needed to be focused.  
Not on class, not on the others, but on myself. 

At least I had time to draw now. I could hear my notebook calling me when my Spanish class started. Not like Spanish was more interesting than some lines on a piece of paper. Whatever, I’ve never been good at Spanish. 

When the noon’s bell rang, the only thing in my mind was the lame burger I was about to eat. And how I was going to eat it alone. Hunger makes you do anything. Makes you think about anything. 

After I found a quiet and far enough from the others to eat, I ‘enjoyed’ my food. Apparently, I was creepy enough for people to not come at my lunch table, since my first year here. It has always been only shitty burger and shitty me. Did it upset me to eat alone? Absolutely not. People always thought eating alone was some sign of a lonely, pathetic, bullied or whatever person. I wasn’t. 

I’ll give you an advice for when you eat alone, or when you’re alone in a public place in general. Use you goddamn phone. Pretend you’re busy with something on it. I knew it was not the smartest behavior. Believe me, I was surprised when I found out it’s actually working. 

So far, I created an account on 10 different social medias just for lunch. Despite being full of all the most stupid human beings on earth, they could be very distracting from the awesome reality of the world. Twitter was the best one in this category. I could spend hours on this app without realizing. 

So, on that day, I was about to get my phone. Like I did on any other day. Except the day before, when Marco ate with me. He made me overthink, so I forgot to be  
Speaking of the devil, he came to see me right when I was thinking about him. With his bright smile and everything.

“Found you Jean!”

“Yes, I noticed.”

“I made some friends in French class, can they eat with us?”

With US? We were becoming a pair it seemed. The introvert and the extravert. Totally not a cliché. 

“If you want…”

“Great!”

He waved at some kids waiting at the other side of the cafeteria. An almost bald guy, and a red-haired girl with a high ponytail. I swore I saw them before, but I couldn’t recall where and when.

“Jean, meet Connie and Sasha.”

“Wow,” exclaimed Sasha. “You know, when you said we were eating with Jean Kirstein, I didn’t think we’d actually do it.”

“Nice.”

“Sasha that was rude!” answered Marco. 

Now, you’ve probably guessed that’s not the first time we met. Even if the first one in question was during a really short period of time. They both tried to be my friends, quickly letting go, because I was, quote “not cool, man.”. Marco bringing them to eat with me, or with _us_ didn’t mean we were starting a new friendship again.  
Unfortunately, Connie thought we were. 

“We aren’t going to let you eat alone, man.” he said while taking a seat in front of me. 

“I really appreciate the concern.”

Marco took the seat next to me. I noticed he had his own homemade lunch, again. It was the same than yesterday. 

Sasha grumbled, but she sat. I could say goodbye to my quiet alone time. Thanks to Marco who was making the worst friends ever. 

“Jean, it’s a french name, am I right? Why aren’t you in french class with us then?”

“Because I already know how to speak french.”

I kept myself from adding ‘stupid’ to the end of my sentence. 

“Oh!” shouted Sasha. “Can you tell us something in french?”

“No.”

“Uh, why?” she pretended to be crying. How mature. 

“I don’t want to.”

And there fell the silence on my table. That was for the invasion of my life. 

It quickly came to my mind these people weren’t the silent ones. 

“Your bento looks so tasty, Marco.”

“Thanks Sash’.”

‘Sash’? They had nicknames. Marco gave them nicknames. I should have felt glad he didn’t give me one, but I wasn’t. It didn’t matter anyway. He could do what he wanted; he wasn’t my friend. None of them were. Proof was, on the second day of school, he already made two new friends while I wasn’t with him. I thought it was destiny telling him to leave me. 

And since they both told Marco his food looked ‘yummy as hell’, Marco decided to give them a part of it. And that’s how he ended up eating almost nothing while Connie and Sasha were filling their stomach without regrets. 

Like I said, this boy was going to die from befriending anyone. 

“We’re not going to stay for long.”

“Yeah, we got Professor Ackerman next, and he’s going to kill us if we’re late.”

“I know.” Laughed Marco. 

“Bye!”

“See you later Marco!”

He smiled at them while they were leaving. I was certain than he’d soon stop hanging with me. I mean, he got new friends that were clearly better than my shitty person. 

“How was your morning classes Jean?”

Wow, I was surprised I still mattered enough for him to care about my day in school. How considerate. 

“Stupid and boring.”

Great job Kirstein. I managed to make sunshine boy lose his smile a dozen time in the span of a single day. At this rate, he’d hate me before the end of the week. Did I want him to? I wasn’t sure. I had plenty of enemies already. 

“How was yours?”

“Pretty good! Even though I didn’t understand a lot in french.”

Yeah, he probably wouldn’t understand anything before he caught up everything he missed from last year. And the year before. Why was he in this school? Everyone knew how demanding it is. Maybe he was hiding his intelligence. That’s what a smart person does. Or else, he was a complete dumbass. 

“So, since we’re finished at 3, would you mind coming to the library with me after school? To help me study things and all…”

On the moment, I kind of panicked. The guy was asking me to go to the library with him, like alone. Alone. The two of us. That meant he wanted my knowledge (or myself?). Or was it just because he hadn’t found anyone else? I pictured myself, alone with him, with nothing to get me distracted except the brightness coming from him. 

I would have done anything to escape from my family. And this, was the perfect opportunity to spend more time out of this stupid house. You probably guessed it was why I still attended to school. 

“Sure, why not?”

I swore I saw the sun facing me when he smiled. That damn sunshine boy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a date?

Before Marco, I never went to the library. Maybe one time when I was a kid. It was way too nerdy for me. I had to keep the ‘too cool for school’ image up, even if absolutely no one cared about it. Apart from my mother. It seemed to piss her off that school wasn’t in my top priorities. 

That’s why she couldn’t learn I was in the library with a friend on that day. She would have completely harassed me with questions about him, what he wanted to become, if his parents were wealthy, and so on. First of all, I didn’t know the answers of these, better avoid them. Second, she could be a real bitch when she put her mind to it. Like, she says she would like to meet him, and after, she’d tell me I can’t talk to him anymore because he’s not worthy of our time. I think she wanted me to have great relationships with important people, for when I’ll be a businessman in the future. 

She could dream. No matter what she desired me to be, I would never be it. 

So here I was, explaining Marco how to use Newton’s second law to solve an equation. Fuck Physics. No one need that. But man, he was really into it. Almost like he was exited. The more time I spent with him, the more he reminded me of a child. Honestly, it looked fake. 

I was a hundred percent sure he wasn’t really like this. An innocent and genuine personality can’t be true after twelve years. He had to be pretending to be, to wear a mask or something. 

I had to admit, he was doing a pretty good job. 

“Okay, done! Can you check if I got all the questions right Jean?”

“Sure.”

I took his paper and read it. His handwriting was messy, inconsistent but somehow readable. Almost all his answers were right, at least from what I knew. I think I felt kind of proud of him at the moment? Or proud of me for teaching him? 

“That’s great”, I said while giving him his paper back. “you just made a mistake here. It’s cosine not sinus.”

“Thank you!”

He immediately returned his attention on what he wrote. Then, he took his pink highlighter and guess what? He highlighted some stuff still on his paper. Sometimes he would stop to think, while doing so he’d chew on his pen for a few seconds. He had a really tensed, focus expression on his face. Some lock of hair fell in front of his eyes, he quickly put it  
back. 

His eyes were brown. 

The library was stupidly quiet. Like a void silence. I could hear Marco breath next to me. I could hear a girl turning the pages of her book. I could hear the librarian snoring. I could hear a group of high schoolers giggling. My eyes closed themselves, to enjoy the calm properly. 

I found it very peaceful. Sunshine boy was right to come here. I wished I had done it earlier. This was so much better than going home. 

“Jean? Are you tired?”

“Nah.”

“Do you want to keep on? Honestly, I’m a bit sick of physics…”

“T’s fine. We can leave if you want.”

We packed our books and paper in our bags. I didn’t really want to go. Staying there a little longer would have been perfect. But, I couldn’t just say to Marco I wanted to stay and  
do nothing, apart from staring inwardly at him. 

“Maybe we..”

Unfortunately, I was interrupted by a jackass who had nothing to do but make my life worse than it already was. 

“Look at that! If it isn’t Jean Kirstein who decided to finally get some education!”

I didn’t need to turn back to see who it was. Eren Jaeger. 

“Well, I don’t need to study like a nerd to be smart at least.” I replied while standing up. 

I knew I was bigger than this piece of shit, so I took advantage of it. The feeling of power was everything I could get from any interactions with this asshole. Behind him, Mikasa (his sister) and Armin were standing, clearly annoyed by Eren’s behavior. 

“At least I have friends. Wait, no, you brought one here. So nice of you, I wonder how much you pay him for that?”

“Fuck you too, shithead!”

I didn’t add anything because I felt a hand on my shoulder. Marco, of course. He had already picked up our bags. 

“Let’s go, Jean.”

“Yes, go Jean, leave room for hard-working people, who aren’t born with a silver spoon in the ass.”

God, I wanted to punch so hard his soul would flow out of his hideous body. Punch him so hard his face would be just a heap of flesh with blood dripping from it. Killing him would have been too easy, I wanted him to suffer. To watch him like crumbles like I did. 

Nonetheless, we left. Marco must have thought I was acting as a kid from what he saw. Meet me, the god of good first impressions, and second impressions, third impressions… 

I let Marco lead me away, very far away I hoped. We crossed the library, breaking the silence. Some people left their book for a few moments to look at us. Very judgmental. Come on, we were just passing by. After we passed the door, Marco faced me and asked: 

“You were about to say something Jean?”

He took me by surprise. Really. I thought he would just forget about it and just let me go alone. What people usually do since hanging out with me wasn’t enjoyable enough for them.

“Yeah…Uh… Maybe…we could go somewhere else, to have a coffee or something?”

That sounded creepy. Anyone with common sense would have decline the invitation. I was a stranger just a few days before. He wouldn’t have noticed me if we walked by each other some sunny day. It’s just a silly dream. Nobody notices nobody on the streets. Nobody notices me.

But don’t forget I was speaking with Marco, the literal embodiment of sunshine and kindness.

“Yes! I’d love to!”

Of course. Noting better than going on a unknow place with an unknown person. Great. He had the best instinct ever. No sarcasm. At all. 

On top of that, I had no idea where to go. Fuck. Why did I had to ask? 

We walked for a few minutes. He didn’t say anything, but he kept on smiling like he enjoyed this little improvised outing. 

And I was deliberating which place I knew was decent and adequate for the situation. The Starbucks was probably the safest option. A lot of students were going there, so it wasn’t suspicious or anything. No definitely not suspicious. I was just hanging out with a classmate I helped studying. Just. That. 

“Starbucks is fine?”

“Sure! I didn’t even know there was one here.”

“There’s one everywhere.”

“I suppose…”

Will Jean ever learn how to be a good human? How to be nice? Will Marco ever realize Jean’s a shitty person who just make him uncomfortable? Will he left him so he can show his beautiful smile to the world because Jean kept on making this smile disappear? 

Well, that was all the questions going through my head. The worse part was I could give an answer to every single one of them. Spoilers, two of them were positive, the others were negative.

We made it in 10 minutes. There felt longer than usual. Or shorter. It was weird how I’d lost the entire conception of time during this walk. Stupid sunshine boy. 

I made sure to open the door for him, so I could be less of a jerk. The place was quite empty for that time of the day. Convenient. I just needed to choose a table where we wouldn’t have to sit in front of each other. A basic mistake some people are still doing. 

“You can order something; I’ll get us a table.” 

He must have thought I wanted to get rid of him for a moment. But the sake of getting seats which wouldn’t have us stare into each other eyes for the whole time was more important. Believe me, it’s not easy. However, I managed to find a nice spot next to a window. 

Marco came back with two drinks in his hands. Of course, he had to buy me something, without knowing what I like. 

“I got us a café latte or something like that. Sorry, I’m not used to this kind of place.”

“Oh. You didn’t have to.”

Why did he buy me one? It’s not like I had been nice to him. 

“Come on, you helped me, that’s the least I can do!”

“Thanks…I guess…”

Lucky for him, I liked lattes. He put down the drinks in front of me and sat to my left. We were way closer to each other than we were in the library. Shit, I could smell him. That’s the point where you know a person is too physically close to you. 

The place was pretty nice. Noisier than the library but still pleasant. The sun was setting down and an orange light was embracing the room. We could see dust flying in the air.  
Since I was a bit tired of getting sunlight in my face, I turned away from the window. Marco’s face was bathing in the light. That made his freckles standing out even more. Jeez, he had a ton of them everywhere on his body, his neck, his hands, his arms. Was it because he had been under the sun for too long? I needed to know more about it. 

No matter how much I was appreciating it, the silence got heavier as the minutes went by. I had to do the small talk. 

“So, why did you move here.” 

Silly question. Easy to go with. Perfectly fitting for the moment. It would let Marco talk while I just had to listen. 

“My dad got fired, and um, he found a new job here. He has a better wage now, so he said I could go to a more prestigious school. Dad always wants the best for me.”

While saying it, he was looking sadly at the cup in his hands. But he was still smiling. Don’t ask me how, but I knew he lied. 

“What about you?”

“I’ve lived here for all my life, and this school was the closest.”

And mom wanted to pay everything average people can’t. Houses, clothes, cars, food… The more expensive it was, the more chances she had to buy it. She lived by showing how wealthy she was. Even if all the money came from her inheritance or form my dad, who she didn’t marry for love. 

“Is your family french?” asked Marco. I was surprised he didn’t ask sooner. 

“No.” Mom always repeated me to answer yes. “My mom just like to pretend we are to appear more …”

“Sophisticated?”

“Exactly.” 

“That’s why you can speak french.”

“She taught me since I was born, but to be honest, I can speak it better than she can.”

Marco laughed. I made him laugh. I know it sound stupid, but I felt proud of me. It hadn’t happened in a long time. Moreover, Marco has a really nice laugh. 

“Oh, do you think she’ll be mad to learn you told someone the truth?”

“She’ll be mad as hell.”

She’d shout at me for hours, telling me how I was ruining her reputation and the ‘bright’ future she was planning for me. My ass. 

We stayed an hour in the Starbucks. I have to admit, I had a good time with him. I almost forgot my argument with Eren, who started it. 

It was already nighttime. Streets light were on, and the air was a bit colder. Marco shivered. Apparently he had a bus in a few minutes. I stayed with him. 

“Will you be fine?”

“Don’t worry. I live a few blocks away.”

Yes, it wasn’t true. I lived on the other side of the town. I had a fucking long walk to get home. Marco didn’t need to know everything about me. 

“Thank you, Jean. It was really nice.”

“Well, it’s nothing…” 

“Not for me.”

The bus arrived. Was I sad? No. It wasn’t like we were friends or anything. I just stayed with him because he paid the drinks. 

“See you tomorrow then!” he said as he walked in the bus. 

“Yeah.”

He smiled and waved at me. Unconsciously, I smiled back to him.


	5. Chapter 5

I got home around 9 pm. It wasn’t like I was in a hurry. But I had the time to think. Like if Marco went home fine. The problem was I didn’t ask for his number. Maybe he had an accident on the way, I’d never know. I didn’t recall where the bus was going. I’m fucking smart.

I thought my mom was already in bed. She’d go to bed early to have her ‘beauty sleep’. Big mistake. She was waiting for me in the living room, a glass of wine in the hand. Aw, fuck.

“It’s passed 9, Jean.”

“I know.”

What I learned from my 17 years of cohabiting with my mom was I could avoid any arguments by just going away. She wouldn’t try to follow me for some reason. Was she afraid of me?

That’s precisely what I did that day. I didn’t even look at her. I started to climb the stairs.

“Jean! Come back here! You can’t just disappear like this for an evening!”

“I can and I’ll do it again!”

“Jean! Come down. Now.”

She tried using her big voice on me, but it only worked on dogs. And I stopped being her little puppy a long while ago.

“Leave me the fuck alone!”

I rushed to my bedroom. I’d like to say it was my ‘safe place’, or my little private garden. It wasn’t anything like that. My parents could and came into my room any time. It was theirs like it was supposed to be mine.

That’s why I didn’t put any decoration in it. The room was plain as fuck. However, I had a ton of posters, figurines, drawings, paintings I would like to put all over my room. Once I get my own place only. I just had to wait for next year to come.

I believed everything would be fine once I’ll be on my own.

I tossed my bag to my desk and ignored all the homework I had to do. Speaking of school, I remembered to find all my last year’s stuff for Marco. Everything was in box under my bed. You could say there was actually a monster under my bed. Glad I didn’t throw them away. That was a lot of paper and notebooks.

“I guess I’ll have to sort this out.”

I sat down, then opened the pandora box. I didn’t recall I took this many notes last year. Maybe I was a bit involved during some time. I took the papers on top of the massive amount of it.

Math. Not going to give him every exercise I made. I made a pile with the lessons only. Catching a glimpse of it was already giving me a headache. I was about to have the best fucking evening in weeks.

I wondered what Marco was doing. Probably studying for tomorrow. That was the best thing for him to do. Otherwise, he’d get too much behind the rest of the class, and the school would invite him to find another school more suitable for his ‘personality’. It means ‘go out’ in a more presentable way. His father would certainly be disappointed if it happened.

At 11:30 the box was finally empty, and I had two piles, one for Marco one for the thrash. I felt quite satisfied with myself. I stuffed the things for Marco in a bag. Luckily, it wasn’t that heavy.

I was exhausted. God, I just did some organization with papers. I decided to call it a day and go to sleep. Yes, before midnight. I was a fucking badass.

I slept like a baby. Wait no, a baby doesn’t sleep, it just screams the whole night. So, like an elderly person? They tend to sleep a lot don’t they?

Never mind, I just slept well. Which was pretty unusual considering I was probably suffering of insomnia. Oddly, I felt way more tired.

Both of my parents had left early, you know, important work to do. I didn’t complain about having the whole house for me. I could take showers as long as I wanted.

Who cares about my morning routine anyway? It was the same as everyone. Shower, dress up, breakfast…

I left earlier than I should have. And no, I didn’t forget the notebooks for Marco.

The sky remained dark. No surprise considering how early classes started. Sometimes, I had the feeling this school wanted to kill all of us.

I noticed Marco before he saw me. He stood at the exact same point we met the day before. Which meant he was waiting for me.

“Shit.”

Sunshine boy was starting to get a little too attached to me. I couldn’t hope for worse. Next thing you know, he would start to call me his ‘friend’. Argh.

I had no other choice to go and greet him.

“Marco.”

“’Morning Jean!”

Do I have to mention how bright his smile was that morning? Because I think I lost at least 12 percent of my sight just by looking at him. He really got a problem to smile this much. Only psychopath do it like that.

“Brought you last year’s stuff” I handed him the bag.

“Thank you so much! Honestly, I don’t think I could ever catch up with you, but I’ll try my best!”

He sounded like an anime protagonist. I didn’t think it was possible. Yet here I was.

“Yeah…”

He took a quick look in it. Like what? I was going to put spaghetti in it?

We arrived together at school. I hated to say it. ‘We’. It meant Marco and I were starting to have a relationship. Hell, no. No relationships. That’s what I kept repetition myself every single day of my life. They only brought problems. They made me lose my time.

The only thing I had to do was to be an ass to Marco, like I did with everyone. Well, I can tell you it’s not that easy. Marco was so pure, so kind, you can’t be mean to him. You wouldn’t hurt a kitten? It was the same thing.

And everyone loved him. As we just entered the building, Connie and Sasha leapt onto him. Like literally. These guys had way too much energy for a Thursday morning.

“Marco!”

I didn’t mind them. They gave me an opportunity to run away. My sad locker was waiting for me. Last look at Marco happily hugging them, and I was gone.

I hoped I hadn’t too many classes with Marco today. Which wouldn’t happened, of course. I was cursed with this sunshine boy for the rest of the year. Except if he quit school before.

Rude, I know. But what did you want me to do? Be a friend? I’m the worst friend ever, he would have been just disillusioned.

I decided to stay a schoolmate. Nothing more. Marco could say goodbye to our little time at the library. Schoolmates doesn’t hang out with each other. They see each other at school. That’s all. Nothing more.

“Jean, I have math first period. Are you with me?”

Apparently, Marco’s new friends left him, so he had to go back to me.

“Yes.” Unfortunately.

“You’re coming?”

I nodded. Answering to him got optional. He could do a complete conversation by himself. And who was I to complain?

Marco didn’t like math. It has been clear since the first time we were in the same class. He sighed every time the teacher told the correct answer. There were a shit ton of things crossed out in his notebook. I would have been way angrier, certainly tearing my paper in half, if I was him, but hey, we’re talking about Marco. He was the “You could pour soup on my lap and I’d probably apologize to you” kind of person.

Now I know what you’re thinking. ‘Jean why didn’t you help him instead of watching him struggle?’ First of all, I suck at math. Not as bad as him though. Second of all, I had to focus to learn things if I wanted to help this good-for-nothing later.

Then, he had french with his all newly acquired best friends. Chances were Spanish would be my favorite class this year.

Morning went on. I was so fucking tired, I slept through two classes.

Lunch sort of woke me up. I mean, you couldn’t even close your eyes with Sasha and Connie’s high pitched screams. She clapped her hands in excitation, you know, like sealions. I swore I almost saw Connie salivating. 

Marco made cookies. That was all. Gee, their life had to be boring as hell for going mad crazy at the sight of cookies. There was nothing special about them. At least, they didn’t look uneatable.

“They’re for us?”

“Yes.” Replied Marco, you guessed, with his great smile.

“I love you so much.”

No Connie, you loved free food. There is a difference.

“Oh my god, they’re so delicious!”

Why wasn’t I surprised? Sunshine boy seemed to be good at somethings after all. Like, baking, making friends, being nice…

“You can take one if you want Jean.”

“No thanks.”

Disenchantment. In his eyes, on his face, over all of him. Marco was damn good to make you feel guilty for nothing.

“Trust me dude, they’re the best.”

Actually, when Sasha spoke, she still had some in her mouth. It sounded more like: musmmudmemremebesm. 

I’ll make things clear. I did _not_ change my mind because of Sasha gourmet recommendation. I did because Marco had started to do the puppy eyes. And, I, urgh, just couldn’t bear with it.

Not since he was cute or anything, it was just embarrassing. Yeah, I wanted to make him stop this childish behavior.

“Okay, only one.”

Fine, they weren’t bad. I may have wanted to take another one. I had to restrain myself, or I’d have looked like a starving kid.

“They’re good right?”

“Not bad.”

Marco seemed content with my more than euphemistic answer.

“Can I take some for the afternoon?”

“Sure Sash, go on!”

She took like, the whole box and put in right into her bag. I repeat, right into her bag. It only bothered me since Connie and Marco were still smiling not like a murder has been committed right at our table.

“Yeah,” said Connie. “We could use some comforting cookies after our two hours of physics.”

“Just after lunch?”

“Yes. That’s a pain in the ass.”

“Oh, I know. Physics is so hard. But gladly, Jean helped me with it!”

This is what I call a betrayal Marco. He has no right to tell them about it. I had a reputation! Joke aside, they’d probably tease me with this information for weeks. Especially Sasha.

Connie’s eyes opened wide in the same time as Sasha’s mouth. There were still pieces of food in it. Disgusting. She could at least swallow before speaking.

“Wow, rewind time. Jean did what?” exclaimed Sasha.

Sunshine boy was visibly confused. So, he didn’t know much on how I was seen by people. Well, not anymore. My cover was blowing up because two idiots brought up the subject.

“He… helped me studying?”

“I can’t believe it…”

“Me neither Sash…Me neither…”

“I don’t understand.” Of course, you didn’t Marco. You weren’t truly seeing me the way I was. You saw the good in everyone, even in me, who didn’t have any. “Jean has been nice and patient with me.”

“Jean? No way.”

“That’s nothing like him.”

“I’m sitting right there!”

Had they any shame? Talking about me in that way in front of me. They had some balls.

We finished our meal. Me, pissed off, Sasha and Connie surprised, Marco being that meme with Travolta. Nice. Really _nice_.

And just when I though it couldn’t get worse someone showed up at our table. It was Armin, Eren’s pet. I was surprised Eren wasn’t with him or somewhere to be seen. Weird.

“Hey Jean. Can I sit with you for a second?”

He had a serious tone. I wondered what I did this time to annoy Eren this much. Armin didn’t talk to me for pleasure. Most of the time it was to tell me to stop my bullshit with shithead who couldn’t come and confront me himself.

“What for?”

“To apologize for yesterday at the library. What Eren did was uncalled for. Sorry you had to leave.”

The only person who could be a potential concurrent with Marco in terms of kindness was Armin.

“I’d only accept if he comes and begs me to his knee.”

“Jean.”

“I’m serious. He doesn’t even have the guts to come himself.”

“Okay,” sighed Armin. “This was a one time thing; I won’t do it anymore. Eren may be a dick sometimes, but so are you. You own him some excuses too.”

With these words of wisdom, he went away. Whatever, nothing was my fault. Eren started this shit. If he wanted to end it, he’d have to do better than send Armin doing all the work. I wasn’t going to forgive him this easily.

The others didn’t add anything. Connie and Sasha looked away as if I was going to throw all my rage on them. Marco didn’t. His eyes were locked on mine. He started to get what was going on.

I never tried to hide the fact I hate Eren. Neither did he. Yet, on that day, I felt ashamed of it. This conflict was stupid, I knew it. There was no point in it. Still I couldn’t just let it fade away with time. I abhorred Eren so much

Dumbass 1 and dumbass 2 left for the joy of physics. I had history. Obviously with Marco, what did you expect? Told you, I had been cursed with this boy forever. We would end up like Connie and Sasha. A pair without any individuals. Marco and Jean. Not just Jean or just Marco. I prayed for it not to happen.

Marco didn’t change his behavior towards me during the rest of the day. He was either brainless or really determined to be my friend. Which was not going to happen. I didn’t make friends.

One good thing on that day was I got back to work on the evening. Because what, I’d let my mom pay for my things? Hell no. As soon as I could, I applied for every job in the city. Only the owner of the sports club downtown would hire me to clean the rooms third time a week. If I was paid, I wasn’t complaining.

Plus, I got to learn some things. Like in boxing for example. Some people came really late to train, and they were usually practicing boxing. Or just chatting. There was a genuinely cool ambiance in this club.

I got there on time, despite being hold back by some sunshine boy. There was almost no one at the place. Hannes, the owner, had already left. I’d have to close everything later.

Gladly, some people were still there, training as usual. I think they were the only persons I didn’t mind talking to. And who didn’t mind talking to me too.

Annie, Reiner and Berthold. Three people is a lot, believe me. Particularly these ones.

“Hey! If it’s not Kirstein! We haven’t seen you for a while man!” exclaimed Reiner.

“Yeah, you know, back to school thing.”

Reiner and Berthold were on the ring, seemingly fighting. Annie, as always, was simply hitting a punching bag. Seeing them made me feel a little better after my day. 

They were college students. A year older than me. Guess that’s why we were getting along pretty well. I didn’t know what they were studying. Frankly, I didn’t give a fuck about it.

“Good thing you’re back.”

“Thanks.”

I couldn’t talk to them for long, I had work to do. I greeted Annie as well, she wasn’t a very talkative person. We have known each other for long. Our families had some meeting together, we were the only kids so yeah, we used to be friends. I don’t think any of us liked the concept of friendship, so we kind of agree to just stay as acquaintances.

I swiped the dust with the rhythm of their hits. I found peace in it. Annie hit quick with precision. Reiner tended to rely on his strength, Berthold on his defense. Theirs fights were interesting to see.

On that day more than the others. It lasted long enough for me to completely clean the ground. Berthold won, even if by the end they were both heavily breathing.

“You guys are getting better.” I remarqued.

“Yeah, we’re probably going for the next championship.” Responded Berthold.

“I’m not.” Clarified Annie.

She didn’t go in the spotlight like Reiner and Berthold did. She had a mysterious aura around her. She was fascinating in some way. Although she terrified me every now and then. 

“But you’re going to cheer for us, right?”

“No.”

“Aw, please?”

“Reiner, leave her.”

“So, Jean, tell us, what’s new?”

“Nothing.”

I didn’t hesitate. They were used to this kind of answer. My life wasn’t one of my favorite conversation topics, nothing new. 

The only thing that changed since the last time we met was…

It was Marco.

But no. I kept Marco for myself.


	6. Chapter 6

The days flew by. It was already the end of the week. I don’t think my life has ever gone this fast. 

I had the feeling Marco made time going all weird. Like, in some classes, I wasn’t even bored or anything. Told you, weird. 

He didn’t seem to plan on ditching me. Weirder. On the contrary, he grew closer to me. Not as close as he was with Connie and Sasha, but still too much close for me. 

On the other hand, the teachers wouldn’t let me go. Since they saw I was able to bear a human presence, they decided to ask me specifically more questions, to make me participate in class. Some of them were truly mischievous. 

What’s more, our history teacher, in her generosity, gave us as an assignment, a group project. Yeah, a group project with high schooler, a great fucking idea. Kudos to her for, at least, letting choose our partners. And that kids, is how you know a teacher is bad or good. 

Guess who I was with. Can’t tell? You really can’t? 

The assignment was about the world’s governance. I had no idea what it meant. Whatever, google is my friend. Marco, as usual, was enthusiastic about it. He rambled on how we should do it, which books we should read… Mind you, I wasn’t going to let him do all the work. He would have messed it all. 

Another thing that was weird: Marco didn’t take part in PE. In my opinion, he should suffer with everyone else. I found it strange because he looked athletic to me. From what I saw, he had a good diet, good muscles, he wasn’t tired easily, and he could carry heavy things (If you want the context, we had to move some furniture for a class). Maybe he didn’t want to lose time for something useless. 

Moreover, it was really cold on that day. They announced rain, but that wasn’t going to stop Mr. Shadis, from taking us outside for a run. Connie and Sasha were in this class. I tried to avoid them, but they aren’t the kind of person you can get rid of easily. 

Connie caught up with me while we were running. 

“Marco isn’t with you?”

“Nah, he said he’s exempted from coming to PE.”

“Fuck, he’s lucky. You know why?”

“How would I know?”

“I don’t know man, you’re his friend.” 

“We’re not friends!” 

I may have said it too loudly. And too quickly. Though it was the truth. 

“Yes, of course…”

“Speaking of friends, isn’t your girlfriend with you?”

“We’re not dating!”

“Yes, of course,” I replied with a smirk. I could play this game too. 

“You little bastard… Well, she was just behind me…”

We both turned our heads over. She was nowhere to be seen. If she was hiding to escape the class, she was doomed. No one could ever escape Mr. Shadis tyrannical lesson on how to die by running too much, but Marco. He always managed to find students who were attempting to skip class. Always. I know, I tried once. 

“Wait!” screamed Connie. “She’s there.” 

At the other side of the track, walking like she was wandering on the streets. And that was definitely worse. 

“She’s dead.”

“She’s totally dead.”

As if Mr Shadis read our thoughts, he shouted at Sasha at the same time. 

“Mrs Braus! You don’t want to run? No weak on my sight! You’re good for 15 more minutes or detention!”

“Yes sir!”

“We better get back too.” Advised Connie. 

I never saw the point of PE. It could give good grades to some people who were good at it, even if it was a pain in the ass for most students. I wish it was optional. So, I didn’t have to go to this weekly session of torture. 

All we did was running that day. Sasha more than any of us. We had to wait for her to finish her laps, and she wasn’t fast. We said goodbye to our break as we change to our normal clothes. 

Marco was waiting for us in front of the building sitting on a bench with a book in his hand. What a nerd. I was sure he studied during the time we were in PE. 

“How was it?”

“Hell.” Answered Sasha as she collapsed in the bench. 

“Oh. This bad.”

“Man, you don’t want to know.”

Connie sat down too. Which left only room for me next to Marco. Great… I had to make sure to not touch him. In case I didn’t mention it, I hate touch. It’s embarrassing. 

“What about you Jean?”

“Same shit,” I replied as I sat. 

“Yeah, Marco, why didn’t you come? It would have been funnier.”

“Not even Marco can make Mr. Shadis class fun, Sash.”

“Oh… I…I have asthma.” 

My ass. He was lying once more, I knew it. Damn, he wasn’t good at it; Connie and Sasha should have known. Don’t forget they were dumbasses. 

“That sucks.”

And that was very eloquent from you, Connie. 

“I’m used to it…”

Marco was determined to go to the end of his lie. Or his lies. How was I the only one seeing through his bullshit? Or the others were blinded by his kindness? And why did he have to lie about this? To skip PE? Come on, this class would have been a piece of cake for someone build like him. He would have gotten good grades to balance with the other subjects. 

Yet another mystery around this sunshine boy I needed to solve. Unfortunately, I was the one who knew him most in this school. That wasn’t giving me a lot of option. But hey, google is my friend, right? 

“Well, we are going. Like we have class to attend.” Connie brought me back to reality. I forgot we had class after. 

“I think I’m going to take a nap.”

“See you later guys!”

Marco stayed with me on the bench as we were watching them leave. I got to admit, I was exhausted. Staying for the rest of the day on this bench didn’t sound like a bad idea. The fucking bell had to rang. 

“We should go too, Jean.”

“Yeah…”

We got up and I lazily followed him to our classroom. Of course, Marco was excited, we had biology. I enjoyed less Dr Hanji lively lessons. They started to give me headaches after each hour spend with them. Their high pitched voice was unbearable. 

I decided to draw something until the end of the class. Maybe time would go faster. It didn’t. But Marco realized I was absolutely not implicated in the class.  
“Jean, pay attention, it’s important.”

First of all, who did he think he was? Second, he had no right to tell me what to do. 

“What, you’re my mom or something?”

“Jean.”

He was serious. Why did it matter? It wasn’t like he cared about me. I was probably distracting him with my doodles. I would never stop just for him; they were the only thing I enjoyed doing. He could go sit with someone else for what I cared, then we’d both be happy. And it would be the end of what he called our ‘friendship’. 

I wouldn’t be sad if he did put an end to whatever relationship we had. In fact, I was doing everything I could to make him go away from me. In the same way as Connie and Sasha, you can’t get rid of sunshine boy easily. He lasted a week. He could last another one, and so on until the end of my days. Hell, I wasn’t going to let that happened. 

I answered him a dry ‘no’. Some of our classmates heard and stared at me. Oh no, I was extremely afraid of them now, that would have surely stopped me from doing anything wrong in the future. Thanks, pathetical students.

Marco sighed. He fucking sighed. In my head, confetti were falling, like in a tiny party. If I could manage to exasperate him a little bit more, he’d finally leave me. Yes!

I didn’t change anything in my behavior for the remaining time of the day. Marco talked less to me. Until the end of classes. 

I was happily throwing books in my locker. No lies, I felt proud of what I did. Even if it was a shitty way of dealing with other people. My joy was short-lived.

“Jean?”

Aw. Damn this sunshine boy who couldn’t grab a single thing about all the indications I gave him to leave me the fuck alone. 

“What?”

“You don’t have a lot of friends, do you?” 

So, he did notice about my reputation. Honestly, I didn’t know what to answer. Was it because of the shock? His question kind of broke my brain. He was brave to ask me that directly, without trying to make it more subtle. 

Of course, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I mean, Marco saw me at my best, pushing people away. Maybe he aspired to be my only friend, as if it was some kind of accomplishment. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I grumbled while turning back to my locker. 

“Come on, Jean. I won’t make fun of you. I just want to know why you’re fending me off every time I try to help you.” 

_Leave me alone. Leave me like everyone before you. Let me be a lonely asshole. Let me be an asocial shithead. Get out of my life. You’re ruining everything. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Fuck off sunshine. ___

__“Jean?”_ _

__“No. Just no.”_ _

__Marco looked at me. He had his famous puppy eyes. Like a dog who doesn’t understand why his master is scolding at him._ _

__“Okay. Do what you want. I won’t answer any of your questions. They’re not concerning you.”_ _

__“You’re right. Sorry.”_ _

__Stupid kindness. I wanted to punch him to see if he could get angry or he would simply apologize for upsetting me. The second option wouldn’t surprise me._ _

__“I also wanted to talk you about the history assignment.”_ _

__“It’s due in two weeks.”_ _

__“I’d rather have it done sooner. If that’s fine by you?”_ _

__Told you, he was a big nerd. Always giving their homework back on time._ _

__“Yeah. Not Sunday though.”_ _

__“Tomorrow’s okay?” I nodded. “Your place?”_ _

__The audacity. Asking to come to my place. What more? Meeting my parents? My entire family? I’d rather die than letting it happen._ _

__You’ll note he didn’t propose to come to his place. Did he have something to hide? That was another thing on the ‘weird Marco things’ list._ _

__“The library is fine. We could work better there.”_ _

__Marco agreed. Good. We settled an hour, then I left. I had nothing more to tell him. His stupid question freaked me out._ _

__I got back home unusually early. For once, I was happy to not have to go to work on the evening. It gave me plenty of time to make some research about sunshine boy. I locked up my room and turn on my computer. To create an atmosphere, I let the light off._ _

__The first thing I type was ‘Marco Bodt’. As usual, google gave me random pictures, which had nothing to do with him. A dude, some docs too blurry to read, and a butterfly for some reason. I scrolled around a few pages, but there was nothing interesting. He had no social media account, or he was not using his name._ _

__Still, it wasn’t useless. I found a picture of him with other kids. Apparently he won some price in a writing contest in middle school. Not bad, sunshine boy. The name of his school was mentioned. It was in Jinae. A city really, really far away. That made sense, but I learnt nothing._ _

__The research with ‘Bodt’ and ‘Jinae’ on the other hand, gave some satisfying results. There was a girl named Lisa Bodt who was on Facebook. She had freckles. I was entirely sure she was Marco’s sister. Although, she didn’t seem to have the sunshine energy he had._ _

__Her location said she was living in Jinae. Didn’t Marco told me about his family moving here? Either her sister hadn’t updated her account for a while, or she was still in Jinae. Meaning Marco lied._ _

__The best way to figure it out was to talk to his sister. I send her a message. Don’t worry, I always use a pseudonym._ _

__‘Hey’_ _

__I wasn’t hoping for a reply, but she answered seconds after it._ _

__‘I know u?’_ _

__‘No, I was hoping we could get to know each other ;)’_ _

__I hated myself for a whole week for writing that shit. What wouldn’t I do to know the truth? At least I sounded friendly enough for her to keep talking with me._ _

__‘who r u?’_ _

__‘I just moved in Jinae, so I’m trying to make some friends’_ _

__‘cool. Which street do you live in?’_ _

__I quickly opened google maps, taped Jinae and zoom on a random street._ _

__‘I don’t remember the name, but it’s near the grocery store.’_ _

__‘Oh I see. I’m on the other side of the city XD’_ _

__‘Is there anything to do here?’_ _

__‘u can go to the theater, or to the park. Nothing really interesting, it’s a quite small town’_ _

__‘thx’_ _

__‘there’s also a skatepark, but no one goes there anymore’_ _

__I felt like losing my time with her. Nothing to lose, I tried to ask her._ _

__‘Do you know Marco?’_ _

__I received a single sentence, from Facebook._ _

__**‘You can no longer send message to this user.’** _ _

__She blocked me._ _

__“What the actual fuck?”_ _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters? In the same week? 
> 
> Yeah, I'm on holidays, so I've got plenty of time to write :)

I laid in my bed all night long thinking about what happened. This made it in the top ten weirdest people I’ve interact with on the internet. Far away from the guy who wanted pictures of my knees, but it was still strange. What was her problem? Yeah, she had been nice with me since the start of our conversations. But cutting off people like that is shit. 

She definitely knew Marco. Something bad must have happened to them for her to react that way. What did Marco? I couldn’t gather the two images I had of him: a ball of light and kindness and a guy who run away from his family. Except nothing was saying he ran away. 

Maybe he got kicked out. 

Maybe his parents got a divorce, and he was living with his father while Lisa was living with their mother. But it didn’t explain why she shut the door when I mentioned him. 

He had either flew away or been kicked out. I decided to stand by the ‘runaway’ option. It stuck more with his general personality. I didn’t picture him annoying enough to be expulsed from a household full of people like him. 

I needed further information. He was a hard puzzle, the hardest one I had to solve. You must be asking yourself: ‘Why did you felt the urge to solve him?’. If I didn’t, no one else would have done it. He blinded everyone and anyone with a cheerful, nice, cute behavior. 

Could I talk to him about it? He’d surely lie again. But if he trusted me, he could possibly give me more pieces of truth. I guessed it meant I has to spend more time with him. Ugh. 

The next day, I spend the morning lazily watching tv. It had no interesting program as usual. What’s more, my mind was in another place. I kept on rehashing everything I knew about the ‘Marco’ case. His sister, his father and his pretended new job, his asthma, his house, his former school… I didn’t have enough, which made me very upset. 

His phone number. I had to ask him his phone number. I could do a research with it. Perhaps I’d get nothing, nonetheless, some people were so stupid they put their number on the net. For example, with a Facebook account. 

I left the house at 1 pm, without eating anything. I wasn’t in the mood for food, and my parents weren’t there to scold me. I walked the entire way to the library. 

Marco was already there when I arrived. Of course. Perfect little sunshine nerd always on time. 

“Hi Jean!”

He waved like I was kilometers away. Did he wanted the whole town to notice us? I hurried to put an end to this silly behavior of him. 

“Let’s go.”

He cheerfully followed me into the library. This time, I picked a table at a large distance from the popular aisles. Just in case some fucker would try to disturb me again. 

Marco sat too close to me, one more time. He picked some papers from his bag and handed them to me. 

“Here’s what I did. Can you tell me what you think about it?” 

I felt like shit for doing nothing. He was good. Damn good. I’ll be the guy who did nothing and let the nerd work for him. 

I rapidly read it. That was something great. He did a fucking amazing work on the subject. There wasn’t much left to do for me. 

“That’s pretty good.” 

“Thank you!”

“You did it over night?”

“Kind of…” he replied with embarrassment. “But it wasn’t hard, don’t worry.” 

He hadn’t any sign of insomnia or a bad sleep. How did he? 

“You didn’t have to do all of this.” 

“That’s fine, and honestly it took me – “

He had been interrupted by a phone vibrating. Not mine, I never got any text. Except my grandma who wanted to feel loved once in a while. 

Marco took his phone out of his pocket. I had to restrain from laughing. His phone case was covered with a giant picture of a cat. There was even a little keychain in the shape of a cat hanging from it.

“What?” Marco said, amused. 

“Your phone…”

He glanced at it, then back to me. He wore his gorgeous smile. 

“This? It’s because it’s my grandma’s, not mine.”

“That’s what they always say.” 

“No, it’s true! Look, I just got a text from Sylvie asking if I was up for bingo night.”

He showed me the phone, and yes that was exactly the text. Moreover, the wallpaper was a pic of the exact same cat than on the case. For what I knew, he could have been a cat lover who had a weak spot for bingo and old ladies. 

“Yes..;” I said as I gave him his phone back. Sorry, his ‘grandma’s’ phone. 

“You don’t sound like you believe me.”

“I don’t.”

“Why?” he laughed. 

“Why would you have your grandma’s phone?”

Okay, I was laughing too. 

“I broke mine!”

“Of course. You have a really cute cat by the way.” 

“Jean!”

When he was laughing, the world appeared brighter. Most of all the laughter I have ever heard annoyed me. But him… He was different. He sounded honest, pure and innocent. You know, the kind of laugh that makes flower grow.

“Do you want my number?” he asked shyly. 

He looked like a teenage girl who was talking to a guy for the first time in her life. I couldn’t tell if it was fake or not. But I had the feeling he was totally faking it. 

“Yes, why not?”

When I gave him my phone to put ‘his’ number, he seemed excited. That’s most likely the first number he got in this town. Unless Connie and Sasha got ahead of me. 

“Here!”

He added a smiley after his name in my contact list. We texted each other to see if everything worked fine. Marco held on to his phone like it was some kind of fucking treasure, when it was just my number he got. 

“And thank you again for all the notes you gave me. I haven’t read it all yet, but they are truly helping me!”

“You’re welcome.” 

We stayed like this for some minutes, both too embarrassed to say something. I think he blushed, but I couldn’t see very well. 

“We should go back to history, Jean.” 

“Yes, you’re right.”

Since he did an amazing job on the paper, it only took us two hours to finish it completely. I was happy with the outcome. I hoped I’d have a good grade for once. Not only for me, but also for Marco. 

I let him keep the work. With my luck, I’d lost it the day before it’s due. 

He insisted on staying so I could help him with some of our homework. I wasn’t totally useless after all. We did some math, which were not that hard once you understood. After, we did an assignment in English. We had to write an essay about an excerpt from a book none of us read. Ackerman really gave us pointless things to do. Who cares about the metaphor line 4? No one. I wished to not have to take an English class for the rest of my life. 

“I give up.” 

“I’ll try to continue it at home.”

“Maybe the answers are on internet.”

“It’s better if you try to do it yourself, Jean.”

“I’ve got better things to do.”

Actually, I didn’t. It was just to pretend I had a life outside school. Even if I didn’t have a life at all. 

“Like what?”

Dangerous question, Marco. Asking about people’s hobby was a mistake only extraverts make. Because most of the answers will be lies, or general things. 

“Nothing.” 

“But you just said- “ 

“Nothing I want to talk about.” 

Another great fucking job by Jean Kirstein. That’s exactly what anyone will say you have to do if you want to destroy a friendship. Or the start of it. He stayed quiet after it. 

What did you wanted me to do? I made enough mistakes in my life to know how this would have turned out. I would say I like to draw, and he would harass me to see my drawings. In the same way people want me to speak french to them only because I can. That was fucking annoying. 

“I have to go.”

“Me too.”

I didn’t bother to wait for him and left right away. I went to work with regrets. I treated Marco like shit. But he deserved it. He didn’t have the right to ask me that. My life had nothing to do with him. I ruminated over it for all the way there, and trust me, it was a fucking long way. 

It was almost the time to close the sports club. There were like 3 people in. I’d have to tell them to leave, which I hated to do. Sometimes, they didn’t react kindly. Once, a guy threatened me, saying he’d put worms in my shoes. Very frightening. 

“Oi, Jean!” a strong voice called. Reiner. 

“Hey.”

This time, Annie wasn’t there. Maybe she had classes on Saturdays. Reiner and Berthold were training once more. These guys were built like professional wrestlers. I’m sure Reiner could kill me bare hands in two seconds if he wanted to. 

These were busy, so I told myself I’ll speak with them later. I started cleaning by picking up all the trash customers left on the floor. Their disrespect was making me want to stuff it all in their mouths. But it was my job, I couldn’t complain. 

When it was time, I went to see the guys. They had stop training to hide behind a punching bag in a totally not obvious way. It was ridiculous, like in an awful comedy. 

“What are you doing?”

“Shhh,” Hissed Reiner. “We’re spying and you’re blowing our cover.” He could be childish when he wanted to. 

“Who?”

“A new guy.” Answered Berthold. “Rein thinks he’s cute.” 

“Hey, I never said that!”

“Where?”

“Talking with the coach.”

“Yeah, but where?”

“Ugh, come here”

Reiner pushed me and I took his place. I squinted to see and wondered how they noticed him from this far. The coach was indeed talking to someone. Someone I had already seen before… 

“Fuck!” I screamed as I moved back. “Hide me, now!”

“What? You know him?”

“Yes. Kind of.”

“Just go meet him! What’s wrong with you?”

“He doesn’t know I’m working here.” 

“You really know how to make friends, Kirstein.”

“He’s not my friend!”

“Whatever. He seems nice, what’s his name dude?”

“It’s…” I gulped. “It’s Marco.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ^_^
> 
> I'm so happy with this chapter because I've never wrote this much for a story in my life :)
> 
> Also, exams are coming, and I don't know if I'll be able to write as much as I did until now, but I'll do my best!
> 
> Enjoy!;)

“What is he doing here?” 

“Hunting a tiger.”

“I’m serious Reiner, he said he has asthma. You don’t come here if you have asthma!”

I was trying so hard to understand. Reiner and Berthold didn’t help quit much. I figured Marco was doing some sport, but I could never know he’d come right to the club I worked at. Another strike of my goddamn luck. 

“Maybe he just want to skip PE because it’s shitty.”

“He would have told me it was fake. Or at least to Connie and Sasha.” 

He would have told one of us, right? 

“Who?”

“Berth, you don’t remember? The bald kid and his loud girlfriend?”

“They’re not together.” I remarked. 

“Not yet? They’re taking their time.” 

“That doesn’t explain why he’s here! I have to find another job if he trains here.” 

It was so hard to find this job; I couldn’t afford to lose it. Especially if I wanted to go to university next year. Not that my mom couldn’t pay for it, she’ll pay if I do what she wants, aka prestigious studies. 

“Jean, it’s not a problem. I’m sure it won’t bother him.”

“It’ll bother me!”

“Right now, Kirstein, you’re being a kid.” He grabbed my arm with a strong grip. “Come on, we’re going to talk to him.”

As strong as he was, I couldn’t fight him. Picture a gorilla and a rabbit. I let him drag me to Marco, who was signing the membership paper. 

“Marco?”

“Jean?”

He was surprised. Maybe he thought I could never be in a sport club considering how much of a lazy fuck I was. Honestly, I would have though the same. 

“What are you doing here?”

“You know him, Jean?” asked Hannes. 

“Yeah, from school.” 

“You should have said it sooner my boy! There’s a friends and family discount.”

“But didn’t you just say he isn’t-” started Reiner. I was glad I could stop him before. 

“No…”

“I didn’t know you train here, Jean.” said Marco. 

“He’s not. He’s just the cleaning lady.”

Reiner punctuated his joke with a hit in my arm. It hurt like hell. 

I saw Marco becoming less enthusiastic. And here we went. The usual speech on why I was working there while my family was three times wealthier than the whole town. How I was an ungrateful kid. Everyone who knew about my job and my family gave me this speech. I learnt to not care about it anymore. They were just jealous assholes. 

“By the way, I’m Reiner. The tall guy is Berthold.” 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Marco.” 

“Not that I don’t want friendship in here kids,” cut off Hannes, “but it’s late and I just want to go home and drink my beer. So, hurry up. You too Jean. Those weights won’t clean themselves.”

“Yes.” 

Reiner and Berthold went to the locker room whereas I went back on my duty. I wasn’t working until 9 most of the days. 

“Can I talk to you, Jean?”

Of course, Marco wouldn’t let me live my life in peace. He had to come and throw my habit of being alone in the trash. Whatever, I couldn’t just stop working for him, so I kept on sweeping as he talked to me. 

“Sure. What about?” 

“You, working here.”

I felt the question coming. And I was ready to give the answer everyone else got: ‘None of your business.’

“Does your family have money problems?”

“What? No… That’s not… No…What?”

His innocence subjugated me. I forgot he was new in this town. He didn’t know who own the big ass manor at the end of the main street. But above all, it was truly considerate. Maybe he cared about me. 

Wait, no, no, no, no, no. We were still strangers to each other. No way he could care about me. I don’t give a damn about him anyway. 

“So, it’s fine?”

“Oh my god Marco, you can’t just ask people if their family has money problems!”

“Sorry, you're right. I shouldn't. I'm really sorry.” 

“Is it because I do the cleaning and it’s pathetic?”

“No, no, not at all.”

“Good.” 

He didn’t move. This boy had to learn how to read people. Or did I have to say loud and clear to go away? Why did he come here in the first place? Someone with asthma wouldn’t go and get a membership in a sport club. 

“Wait, did you use a fake id or something?”

“For what?”

“Here. You have to be over eighteen to come.”

“I’m eighteen.”

Sunshine boy was really keeping a lot of secrets. But not this one anymore. Which reminded me I may had to keep track on everything I learnt about him until then. 

“You can leave if you want. I’ve got a lot to do.”

“I don’t mind staying. Having a little bit of company never hurts, right?”

“If you say so…”

Reiner and Berthold left, without forgetting to say goodbye to the ‘cleaning lady’. 

“Are they your friends?”

“Kind of.” 

“They seem nice.”

Marco, everyone seems nice according to you. 

“They’re cool. And both of them are in college.”

“At Trost?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Cool.”

That was one of the most boring conversation I’ve ever had with him. He must have had a reason to stay in this shitty sports club this late. And it wasn’t me. Perhaps he had something in his mind, involving me. 

“Really, you can leave. It’s boring.”

“It’s almost like you want me to go!”

Yes. He laughed, but that was the truth. I was used to do the chores alone. 

“As you want.” 

“No, I’ll stay. I like to spend time with you, Jean.”

Now that was suspicious. Only an idiot would like to spend time with me. I wasn’t an enjoyable person. But Marco, in a weird way, seemed to think the contrary as he insisted on staying at the club. 

He had to watch me struggling to clean those stupid weight. It made me really uncomfortable. What a great way to spend the evening. It’d be like this almost every time. Couldn’t he choose another sports club? I’d have to bear with him more than I should. School wasn’t enough, he had to come to my fucking job too. What was next? My house? 

I felt relieved when it was finished. Marco looked like he was too, even if he chose to stay. _Deal with the consequences of your good actions, sunshine boy._

I wished him a safe trip home. It was too late for him to take the bus, so I assumed he would walk like me to get home. Good for him. 

“Will you be fine?” he asked back. 

“Yeah. I’m used to it.”

“Okay. Be careful.” 

He started to walk away from me but turned around last second with a gorgeous smile. It felt like he illuminated the entire street. Like time was slowed. 

“See you on Monday, Jean!” 

I walked home, taking my time to avoid dinning with my parents. I loves to roam in the streets at night. Everything was a lot quieter than in the day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t late enough that night. 

“Jean!”

“Son.”

Yes, my father called me ‘son’. I think it’s because he wanted to establish dominance over me, or something like that. It didn’t work. As a result, I was afraid of him when I was a kid. He was the big, scary, mean man who lived with us. He never behaved like a father. Neither like a member of this fucking family. 

As time went by, he was just mean. But he had a shit ton of money, so my mom kept him. And my father, well he was seeing other women, without even trying to hide it. I met one almost naked in the kitchen one morning. Mom did nothing, I don’t even know if she had realized what was happening. 

“Come sit for dinner.” 

I made sure to sigh and complained as loud as I could. They had to know I didn’t want to be here with them. Especially with them. Still, I was hungry. 

“How was your day, son?” 

I completely ignored the question. Don’t worry, for the best. Telling them about my life has never been a good idea. They were extremely intrusive when they wanted. And since they had no control on each other, they wanted to control me. Only in their dream. 

“And you, _honey _?”__

__“Fine, _chéri_.”_ _

__It sounded fake, mainly because it was. They pretended to care about the other and about me. Although, they were interested in how I represented the family more than who I was. Big expectations, a bright future, a career, building a family on my own, and all that. None of this mattered for me._ _

__The rest of the dinner was silent. The food was tasteless, mom probably made it. She tried to be a good wife/mother. It was a disaster, you just had to look at our family to know._ _

__“I’m leaving,” I said when I had enough of it._ _

__“What about the cake?”_ _

__“Not hungry.”_ _

__I locked myself in my room. It was time to become Sherlock once again. After searching for a few minutes, I found an unused sketch book. Perfect for what I was about to do. To put me in the mood, I also played some music on my phone._ _

__I sat on my desk, made some space for me to work properly. This was going to be important. On the first page, I wrote a big ‘M’, with the embellishment and all the fancy shit some girls do. I scribbled the date on the bottom right hand corner._ _

__I turned the page and on the next pages, I wrote down everything I learnt about sunshine boy. His freckled face, his goddamn smile, his fake personality, his lies, his sister and Jinae. I added some illustration, like a map of the town, the conversation I had with Lisa, and some drawing of him. They were accompanied by all the questions I was asking myself._ _

__Why did he lie about his family and his father’s new job? What was the matter with his sister? Did he get kicked out of his house? Where was he living now? With whom? Why did he tell us he had asthma? Why did he get a membership in a sports club? Why did he have his grandma’s phone? Why was he this nice?_ _

__Why did he choose to be friend with me?_ _

__At the end, I was proud of the outcome. I had never put so much energy into a project, not even in school. I was hoping I could fill every page of it. And that I’ll have an answer for every question I wrote in it._ _

__This was the start of my ‘Marco journal’._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would anyone be interested if I did a real life Marco journal? 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! 
> 
> Take care of you<3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news! Because of the coronavirus, school is closed!  
> I now have plenty of time to write 
> 
> Don't forget to wash your hands guys and take care of your loved ones :)

I’m not straight. 

Actually, I don’t know what I am. It was always a struggle, and it still is. Of course, when I was a kid, I thought I was a big hetero, with nothing is my mind more than girls like everyone. But then, boys happened. My first reaction was ‘What?’. I eventually got used to it. I’m not ashamed of it, I’m just not going to shout it.

I don’t even know how I work. It just kind of happens without warning. It wouldn’t be fun if not. I never talked about it seriously to anyone. Why am I telling you all this shit then? I don’t know. I never say no to free therapy.

I had a crush on Mikasa when I was 15. Her dark and mysterious personality drew me to her. Most of all, she’s really pretty. Not that it does everything, but you can’t think of her as a less than a beauty. She’s smart, she does not show off. Everything she does is perfectly done. Mistake isn’t part of her life. I thought she was perfection. Then I learnt she was Eren’s long lost sister or something, and I never thought of her anymore. It was enough to keep me away from her. One more reason this cunt ruined my life. Whatever, I had no chance to date her anyway.

With the years, I just lost interest in a romantic relationship. They were meant to end before they even started, so I didn’t bother to involve myself in. Some would say it’s because of the fear of the end, or of being rejected. When I just didn’t want to lose my time for something useless. See, I’ve had more important things to do.

Also, because most humans are trash (myself included). They use and play with each other for their own interest. I mean, take a look at my parents. Love is a fucking lie. For year, I’ve wait for someone to prove me wrong. Eventually, I gave up any hope I still had. Yeah, I ended up hating on the entire humankind. Fuck existence.

Don’t worry, though. I could sleep fine while knowing that. Well, it wasn’t the reason I couldn’t sleep.

Next morning, I woke to two texts. They were not from my mom, nor from my internet operator which was very unusual.

**Marco**

_IMG_4137_

_Look, a cat ^_^_

Of course, the first thing he would send me was a pic of a fucking orange cat sleeping. But he was cute. The cat. Obviously, the cat.

I wondered what he thought when he send this. ‘Jean’s going to love it!’. Ugh, no. I didn’t signed up to receive cats. I hated them as they were just lazy bastards doing nothing but think they’re gods. They’re mischievous and you can’t convince me otherwise. Though, I still think they’re cute.

Marco, on the other hand, liked them. You can tell by his phone, or his ‘grandma’s phone’ as he claimed. I betted he had a special playlist on YouTube with cat videos.

Then came the unavoidable question. What should I answer? Did he really need an answer? Guess, I’d never know. I was tempted to send ‘Cute.’ and let the conversation die there. That would have been too easy.

Someway, I managed to make the situation worse than it was. What did I expect? I suck at human relationships. But Marco was really sticking to me. My guts were telling me it was no good, and they were always right.

**Me**

_Lol_

On a scale from acceptable to disaster, this text was far beyond catastrophe. Anyone with a little common sense would have add a little heart or a ‘aww’. Glady, I had none.

**Marco**

_Her name’s Patricia_

Who the fuck name their cat Patricia? That’s not love, it’s pure hate. They must have an amazing imagination and a lot of creativity. I hoped it wasn’t Marco who named her. He had enough nerdiness in him, this would make him ridiculous.

Notice he answered to my awful text like it was no problem. He was really dedicated to be my friend. And I wasn’t about to make things easier for him.

**Me**

_It’s an ugly name_

**Marco**

_I didn’t get to choose :(_

_But if I could, I would have chosen Molly_

**Me**

_She looks like a Molly_

Not really. I kind of answered it on the moment, without thinking. Marco was quite fast to reply to my texts, leaving me no time to prepare a decent answer. Had sunshine boy nothing better to do? Like telling more lies? Or taking more picture of cats?

**Me**

_And I’m seriously doubting the phone you’re using is your grandma’s_

**Marco**

_But it is!_

_How can I prove it?_

**Me**

_Start by not sending picture of cats_

_They are blowing your lame cover_

**Marco**

_Jean!_

_If I send you a record of grandma telling it, would you believe me?_

**Me**

_Don’t bother_

_I know already it’ll be fake_

_So, go ahead and love cats, most people won’t judge you_

**Marco**

_Most?_

_Are you saying you’re not one of them?_

**Me**

_Gosh, no! I would never!_

**Marco**

_Why do I have the feeling this is sarcastic…_

**Me**

_I’ll give you a clue: it’s because it is ;)_

At that point, my brain had already left for a vacation in Hawaii. My answers kept getting dumber. Somehow, I was talking with him without thinking too much. It was weirdly easy. I guessed that’s what Marco’s like: an easy person to talk to.

**Marco**

_Thanks_

_I really appreciate your support (this is sarcastic too)_

_What am I now? Catboy?_

**Me**

_No, you’re the cat lady_

**Marco**

_Say the cleaning lady XD_

Ouch. Right in the dignity. I don’ t have anything against cleaning lady, I just found it a very pessimistic name even for a woman. Mainly because Reiner used it to make fun of me.

**Marco**

_Sorry Jean, I’d like to keep talking with you, but I have to go_

_See you! :)_

**Me**

_Bye_

I hesitated to send one last text, on how he didn’t have to be sorry for it. It sounded like I cared, so I deleted it. The last thing I needed was to give the impression he could be friends with me.

I threw my phone on the bed and finally got up. It was almost noon. My parents were at work, officially. Lunch could be a good time for them to meet their lovers. There was no one here from 6am to 8pm, it was silent, a heavy silence. The home was really too big for me alone. I used to put some music at the highest volume to fill it with something. Or to put one of the TV on to have some background noises.

I put a pizza in the microwave, that was all I knew how to cook. If you can call that cooking. I didn’t even like pizza, that was just the only thing I could eat by myself.

I turned on the TV. Since I had lost half of the day, why not lose the other one? I expected to have to watch a shitty show, but it was nothing like it. Each program seemed to have been cancelled to let some space for fresh news.

The headline said: “10 dead, 86 wounded”.

I forgot about the pizza; and stayed in front of the TV. Apparently, there was an attack in Maria that morning. From a group of terrorists called ‘The Titans’.

No one knew why they would do this. They seemed to target no one special and have no patterns in their crimes. They are unpredictable. But every now and then, they would kill and hurt people, each time in a different way, never asking for anything. On that day, it was making a bridge explode. The explosion had been recorded and was on loop on TV.

Who were they? Another question left without an answer. Anyone could be part of the group. A neighbor, a friend, a member of your family…The way they got more supporters and their ideology were secret. They were just people who wanted to terrorized others. And they couldn’t be stopped.

I knew no one who lived in Maria if that mattered. It was pretty far from where I lived.

One of the experts talking on TV remarqued that they have been quiet for a year until then, and they usually killed more people. Like if 10 wasn’t enough already. If I my memory has not betrayed me, 31 was the highest number of people they killed.

“We can assume they are weak, maybe because of an internal conflict. Now would be the time to seek for their quarters and strike back.”

It was logical. I had a different opinion though. They were really smart. Always acting before the police. Never leaving a hint. Population feared them, for they weren’t safe anymore. No one at any time was. The Titans managed to create a climate of fear. Yet, they wanted us to think they were weak. But what for?

I felt like something bigger was on its way. But killing people might felt boring for them. They were planning to do worse than killing. I wondered what it could be. Kidnapping? Cutting off the resources? Destroying some buildings? 

Whatever, I had no chance to meet them one day.

Nothing interesting happened in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

I’m going to do a little time skip. You probably don’t want to know about the life of a high school boy. I was going to school, then to work, then home. Each day looked the same. Except for Marco.

He would walk with me to school, to the sports club and to his bus stop. We were spending weeks together. Even if he made some other friends, he kept hanging with me as if it was enjoyable. He would also pair with me for every assignment we were given. He got along pretty well with Reiner, Berthold and Annie, but he mostly hanged with me at the club.

About all the mysteries surrounding him, I had solved none of them. Marco was a really great actor. Yet, it wasn’t for the lack of attempts I made. 

Fast-forward to several weeks later, after boring repeating days. Told you, nothing interesting in my life.

Until one day, Marco didn’t come to school. I was on my way and he wasn’t where he usually wait for me. It felt weird to go to school alone, but I was glad. Taking a break from the overwhelming presence of sunshine boy made me less stressed.

Sasha and Connie were waiting for him to show up. They looked disappointed when I arrived alone.

“Isn’t Marco with you?”

“No.”

“Is he going to come?”

“I don’t know.”

I hurried and left them behind. I didn’t want to be with crying babies, baring this school was hard enough. They’d cry all day for Marco and pray for him to come back. I heard Sasha saying: ‘Give me back my angel, God!’

The teachers also noticed the lack of Marco in the class. During the first weeks he spent here, he made sure to be on the good side of most teachers. Except with Levi Ackerman. It was impossible to make him friendly. And if Marco couldn’t, then no one could.

I felt like I had gone back to the year before. When I was always alone. Don’t mind, I was completely fine with it, and I thought I would be again.

But as I was sitting at my table for lunch, I felt like something was missing. Not Sasha’s screams, or Connie’s nagging. I didn’t have the strength to mull over it.

I took my phone, ready for an hour of wasting my life on Twitter. Instead, I got a text from Marco.

**Marco**

_Hey Jean, I’m sorry, I got sick and I can’t go to school today_

_Can you tell me what I have to do?_

_Thanks, and sorry again._

**Me**

_No prob_

He started to have a big debt to me. Which he would have to pay back one day, I swore.

Dr Hanji missed Marco more than anyone else. They seemed to have lost some of their strength after she saw he wasn’t there. Sunshine boy, loved and missed like no one in this damn school.

At the end of class, I was going to leave when they called me.

“Jean?”

“Yes?”

“Can you give these to Marco?” They handed me a stack of paper. “He needs it as soon as possible.”

“Yeah I can, but- “

“Great! I’m counting on you!” They quickly took all of their stuff and left. “And don’t forget about it, Jean!” they shouted in the hall.

Nothing was surprising from them anymore. This was just their normal behavior. Certainly eccentric.

I couldn’t help but look at the papers they gave me. It was a form for a med school. Guess Marco definitely wanted to be a doctor. I was sure he could.

I went to the secretariat before leaving, to get Marco’s house number. Dr Hanji said to give him the papers the sooner, right?

“How can I help you?” said the administrator in a monotonous voice.

“Can I have Marco Bodt house address?”

“What for?”

To rob his house, stupid.

“I’ve got papers to give him.”

“Okay. Give me a second.”

She typed frantically on her computer.

“It’s 24, XX Street.”

“Thanks.”

I left without further courtesies. She really was a good mood setter.

I decided to skip the remaining classes of that day. Walking to his house wasn’t a problem. Going home after was something different. It would take me approximately an hour. I didn’t care.

He lives in what we can call the boring street of this town. Every house there looked the same, from the height to the doors. They were very small, and thin. An entire family couldn’t live there. By family, I mean more than 4 persons.

I found his after a 30 minutes long walk. It had nothing special, but some flowers at the windows. I rang, shaking nervously. That seemed weird to show up like that at his house. If I hadn’t rang at the wrong house.

“Hello,” said an old lady as she opened the door. “What it is for?”

She had stunning curled white hair and a purple dress. Behind her, I saw a long and narrow corridor with several doors.

“Uh, sorry,” I mumbled taking a step back. “I think I might have the wrong address.”

“Wait, young man. You’re Marco’s friend, right?”

“Yes…?”

What the fuck? The woman made me enter her house, which smelled like every house inhabited by an elder. Old and dusty. There were pictures of cat hanged on the wall. Of course.

“So, you’re Jean Kirstein.”

“How do you know?”

Honestly, I was surprised Marco didn’t lie about me. That bastard had to give some fucking explanations because I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

“I’ve been living here all my life, darling. I know what a Kirstein look like.”

Thanks for the compliment. It was good to know I looked like my beloved parents.

“Plus, Marco never shuts up about you.” She added.

If Marco lived here, that meant this old lady was his grandmother. Or his aunt, or whatever. My smart inner side, if it ever existed, thought he may rent a room to this woman. At that point, any theory was welcomed.

“Stay here, I’ll call him.”

I didn’t expect her to scream Marco’s name full volume. I think the walls were shaking and I lost some of my hearing capacity.

“’Coming!” answered a voice from upstairs. And it was clearly sunshine boy’s voice. I was so impatient to see his face when he would recognize me. And when he’d have to tell the truth about … About everything actually. I doubted he ever told me anything true.

“Are you hungry Jean?”

“Well, I- “

“Of course, you are” she said while patting my head. “I’ll get you some cookies.”

Grandmas. 

“What is it gran- Oh.” Exclaimed Marco as he appeared on top of the stairs.

I put on my biggest fake smile on, the one for my parents and faced him.

“Hi _Marco_.”

“Jean?”

You know, I could have focus more to make a scene if he was wearing a shirt. Fuck. His shoulders were covered with freckles. He had some pretty abs. And his arms, oh my, his _arms_. Sunshine boy hid fucking well his game.

“Marco!” shouted (does she know how to speak normally?) his grandma’s. “Put on a damn shirt and be at least a little decent! You have a guest.”

“Yes. Sorry.” He bowed his head and try to hide his bare chest with his arms. It was hard to tell from where I stood, but I figured he was blushing. And I was too. God, that was embarrassing as hell. He got back into his room quickly.

“Here,” said grandma. “Go and give him this box of cookies.” Then she just left through a door she immediately slammed.

What was the deal with everyone giving me thing for Marco? Did I look like the delivery guy?

I got up the stairs. On my left, there were two doors, one of them open. I guessed it was Marco’s room. I knocked.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah…”

His room was … something. The only furniture he had were a bed and a desk. A hundred of books were shattered on the floor, alongside with clothes. A couple of dumbbells in a corner of the room. He hadn’t made his bed. A dream catcher was hanging in front of the only window. It looked more like a room than mine did.

“Sorry,” muttered Marco, who was wearing a black shirt. “It’s so messy, I didn’t have the time to clean.”

“I wish my room could look like this.” Mom would kill me, but it’ll be worth it. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, a little. You can sit on the bed, if you’d like.”

I did, and I throw my bag on the floor. Meanwhile, he closed the door, probably because he didn’t want his grandmother to hear us. Shit was about to get down.

“Start where you want.” he sighed as he sat on his desk chair.

He looked like shit. Eyebags, slow movements, pale skin, messy hair, everything. That was the first time I saw him like this. And deep inside of me, I didn’t want to hurt him more than I was going to. So, I started with something easy.

“It’s really your grandma’s phone?”

“Oh my god Jean!” Marco giggled. “Of course! I’ve been telling you forever it is!”

When he laughed, I felt a bit relieved. If he cried, I wouldn’t have known how to react. But the feeling was short. He became serious a few seconds after.

“Then, what do you want to know?”

“Well,” he was going to tell me the truth, so I could do the same. “I knew for a while you were lying about some stuff.”

“What? You could have told me?”

“No, I… Gosh, this is embarrassing.”

“Take your time.”

As thoughtful and caring as always, sunshine boy.

“I know you lied about your dad getting a new job here. I know you’re from Jinae.” His eyes widen in surprise. Gosh, I must have looked like a stalker. “I also spoke to your sister, Lisa. But she didn’t tell me anything about you. When I tried, she cut off the conversation.”

“How was she?”

“Fine. Although, I didn’t talk to her that much.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

And then came the fateful moment.

“Marco, what happened?”

“I’ll make it short.” He leaned back. “Last year, I discovered I would like to be a surgeon. And the best school for it is in Trost. It’s my dream to get into this school. But they don’t take anyone. And high schools in Jinae are doing the least. I thought I had more chances to go to Trost if I went to a better high school. I talked about it to my dad.” He took a deep breath. “He became mad, saying I was an ungrateful kid who wanted always more and more. In the end, he told me to choose between staying home, or go to a more prestigious high school. You guess it, I didn’t choose home. Gladly, grandma’s not living far away from it.”

During his story, he didn’t look at me once. It must have been difficult for him to say all of this.

“So, your parents are paying for this year?”

“Yes, but I have to live by myself. And I’m forbidden to go to Jinae. Last time I spoke with my dad, he called me ‘the shame of the family’.”

“Oh, shit.”

I didn’t know what to say. He deserved more than ‘it sucks’. I wasn’t used to comforting people. Or to deal with emotions.

“Are you mad at me now? I’ll understand if you are.”

“For what?”

“Lying.”

“Nah. I would’ve totally done the same.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You can’t blame yourself for your dad’s shitty behavior.”

“Thank you, Jean.”

He smiled at me, with a little, shy, cute smile. The room got brighter and warmer. Trust me, honest smiles are the prettiest.

“Can I hug you?”

“No.”

“Aww…Please?”

“Sorry, but no.”

I hated being touch. Doing puppy eyes won’t help, Marco.

“I feel lighter now I’ve said it all. Are you sure – “

“No, I’m not angry with you.”

Afterwards, we stared at each other for a moment, none of us moving. Thinking about it, I wasn’t feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. Why did I break it then?

“By the way, Hanji gave me something for you.”

I rummage into my bag and took the papers.

“Here.”

“Thank you! It’s the application forms for Trost Uni," he explained

“Will it be okay for you to go there?”

“I think. If I study enough and get good grades, it’s not impossible.”

“And about money?”

“I’ll try to have a scholarship. If not… I’ll have to find a job.”

Marco was an admirable person. Much braver than I could ever be. My parents would love to have him as a son, instead of me.

‘Your grandma told me you talk a lot about me,” I teased him.

“The… Sorry about that. She’s… kind of noisy, you know.”

But there you were, all flustered, sunshine boy. And that alone, expressed more words than you could say.

“Did she tell you about my family?”

“No. Why? Is there something I need to know?”

“Have you seen the manor at the end of the town? Like on top of a small hill?”

“Yes, very fancy. Why? No, you live there?!”

“My parents do. I’m just using a room for a while. Next year, I’ll finally leave this damn house.”

It’s funny to think Marco was kicked out by his parents, and I wanted to leave mine. Life is very ironic.

“And I thought your family struggled with money. I’m so stupid!”

“No. I don’t tell people, because after they would have a lot of prejudices and stereotypes.”

“If it can make you feel better about it, I would never.”

I know Marco, you’re too pure to have that kind of thoughts. Too good for this world. I was afraid it would cause him problems someday.

“Shall we eat these cookies?” I said, shaking gently the box.

“Oh, yes please. I’m starving right now.”

He joined me on the bed, sitting legs crossed. We shared the cookies, which were delicious. I fucking love grandmas. Then we discussed about some of the books I saw he had. He admitted to not have read them all. His favorite book is _The Little Prince_. I hadn’t read it, so he gave his copies.

“Don’t worry, I have like, five of them.” He answered when I asked if it wasn’t bothering him.

We talked until 7pm. No, I didn’t forget to tell him the homework for the next day. Luckily, I wasn’t working that day. I truly enjoyed this time I spend with him.

“Is Jean staying for dinner?” screamed Marco’s grandma.

“Are you Jean?”

I did want to stay there for dinner, even for the night. But I thought I would be too intrusive. Marco and I weren’t even friends that much.

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“You won’t.”

“I’ll be home too late, you know, it’ll be dark and all…”

“Sure, as you want.”

I had the impression I hurt him.

“Next time?”

“Yeah.”

He accompanied me to the door. What a gentleman. There was no signs of his grandma, surely watching TV at this hour.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Jean.”

I left Marco’s house with a smile. I also felt better than usual. Somehow, my body didn’t respond correctly. Like I wanted to dance in the street, to scream, to run and a lot of other things in the same time.

Marco had finally been honest with me. And… I forgot to ask about his ‘asthma’. What a dumbass. I’d save it for another time. Poor sunshine boy had to get some rest after what happened. If I pushed him, he would lie more. At least I could add more information in my Marco journal.

I took a mental note to give him some of the books we talked about. My parents had them in their huge library. And I had to read his as soon as I could, so we could talk more.

I had never felt so good than on that day. And I remember thinking:

‘So, that’s how having a friend feels like.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Take care of you <3


	11. Chapter 11

“I couldn’t help but notice you’re not home often these days.” Commented my mother while we were savoring some disgusting meatloaf.

“Well, you’re not my entire life.” I could have stopped there, but I felt the urge to add more, to make her shut up. “No, wait, you’re not even part of it.”

“Be nice to your mother, son.”

“Or what? You’ll punish me? How? By making me go to my room, where I’m all the time?”

“Jean! Stop behaving like a child!”

“Sorry, I don’t have anyone to show me how to be an adult.”

I wasn’t rude. They were, and I was just trying to defend myself. Which is legitimate. Don’t blame me for it.

Anyway kids, that’s why you don’t want to eat dinner with your shitty parents. I’d rather eat in silence for the rest of my days if I could get rid of them. Next year without them seemed like a peaceful place. I couldn’t wait to get there.

As always, the only rest I could get was to go to my room. I wish that was enough to keep my parents away. But it never was.

The thing is, no one ever will tell you it’s okay to not like your family. They expect you to love and support them unconditionally. But loving someone has to be your choice, not the society’s. Some people still has to learn that.

Just after I closed the door, I received a text from Marco. I didn’t need to look to know it was him. He would send me at least a text every day. I wasn’t used to talk this much on my phone, but Marco seemed to like texting.

**Marco**

_How r u doing?_

**Me**

_Could be better_

**Marco**

_Your parents?_

**Me**

_Yeah, they’re at it again_

_Wish I could live anywhere else_

**Marco**

_;(_

_I’d like to help you…_

**Me**

_I know, it’s complicated_

_Btw, I finished the little prince_

Actually, I finished it three or four days before. I read it on one night. Marco didn’t need to know about it right away. This was the perfect time to tell him, since it help getting the conversation on another topic than my folks.

**Marco**

_So???_

_What do you think?_

**Me**

_It’s very good, you were right_

_I liked it a lot_

**Marco**

_Did you cry at the end?_

_I do each time I read it_

**Me**

_No_

_But it was very emotional_

I almost cried, it’s not the same. That book is absolutely amazing. I had to stop reading many times to think or to just look blankly at my wall. And I’ve never done that before. Seriously, read that book. Why don’t we talk more about it? It deserves more.

**Marco**

_You can keep it if you want_

**Me**

_Really?_

**Marco**

_Yes, I told you I have five of them. It’s really not a problem :)_

**Me**

_Thank you, Marco_

**Marco**

_You’re welcome ;)_

I kept the book on my nightstand, so I could take and read it whenever I wanted at night. It helped me calm down after panic attacks.

Marco has such a fucking good taste in books. Anything he recommended me would turn out to be fantastic. I also learned over the movies, books and series he talked about that sunshine boy was fond of superheroes. At least he wasn’t a ‘sucker for happy ending’, which would only made him more of a nerd. And god knew he was already a big one.

The next day, Marco was waiting for me at our usual spot. He was holding a book against his chest, looking like a shy anime girl.

“What is this?”

“That’s a special edition of The Little Prince. It’s in french, so I’ve never really read it, but it has watercolor paintings from the author inside, in colors, like the _real_ colors, and more art. It’s the prettiest copy I own. Look!” he handed me the book.

Whenever he talked of this book, he became more childlike, making little jumps and moving his arms in every direction.

“That’s cool.”

“What do you think about it? Maybe you have a different opinion, since you’re an artist…”

“I’m not. But they’re great. Minimalistic. I think they fit right in.”

“That’s exactly what I thought! I really like the sheep.”

“He’s cute.”

I gave him the book back, then we were on our way to school. He kept talking about it. How glad he was to have bought it one day on a whim. How he was determined to buy every single edition there is.

We left each other in front of the gates, he had friends to greet, Sasha and Connie aka the dumbasses.

“See you in class, Jean!”

“Yeah.”

You know what’s next. Locker. Sighting loudly. Picking books. Staring at all those happy fuckers in the hall. Mentally insulting them. Looking at today’s menu. Seeing it’s the same shitty flavorless burgers. Being disappointed but not surprised. The usual.

I went to the English room before the bell rang, as the good student I was. Ackerman was already there, patiently sitting at his desk while grading some tests.

“Could you please stay at the end of the class for a few minutes, Kirstein? We have some serious matters to discuss.”

“Huh? … Of course,…”

I was sure to be dead by the end of the day. The school had decided to kick my lazy ass out of there.

I had some kind of small panic attack as I sat alone in the corner at the back of the classroom. The other students arrived, paid no attention to me, and took their seat. Assholes. Well, except for one.

“Jean! Are you okay? You look so pale!”

Marco, a goddamned angel trapped in a fucked up high school.

“I’m so dead…”

“No, why?” he sat. “What happened?”

“Ackerman asked me to stay after class.”

“Oh, no…”

“Yeah, this is so shitty. I’ll probably get expelled.”

“Don’t say that! They have no reason to do so!”

“I hope you’re right.”

He had every reason to be right. They, technically, had no reason to expel me. My grades weren’t that bad. They got even better since I had to teach stuff to sunshine boy. I hadn’t got in a real fight with shithead Eren yet. A fucking accomplishment.

But what if he wasn’t right. If Ackerman wanted to talk to me in particular, it didn’t mean anything good for me, even if it wasn’t to tell me that was my last day to this school. My second option was he would tell me I failed my last test and I suck at English. Which wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“It’s going to be okay, Jean.”

He gently land a hand on my shoulder, in a reassuring gesture. What did the world do to deserve such a sunshine?

Needless to say, I spend the entire class stressing out. Marco did his best to comfort me and follow the class in the same time. He patted my arm from time to time. I focused on his freckled hands, said freckles appeared less intensely than those on his face. You had to concentrate to see them. Sometimes, Marco left his hand laying on my arm for a moment, giving me time to observe it. It’s not like he could see me, class was more important for him.

And I, well, I didn’t know what to do. Ackerman wasn’t famous for his consideration or his kindness towards students. I couldn’t count the number of times I saw someone coming out of his office crying. I had to train to hold back my tears, in case it gets too pressuring.

Yeah, I easily gave up under pressure. My brain didn’t know how to contain his fucking emotions. That’s how I send Eren to the hospital, twice, because he bothered me.

In Fact, freaking out made the hour go quicker. As soon as the bell rang, and students left faster than they arrived, my anxiety grew up.

“I’ll wait for you outside.” Marco said with a smile.

“Thank you.”

I stood next to his desk for a few minutes. He hadn’t even look at me yet and I felt like I had sweat a lot. He waited for everyone to leave, before starting. How nice of him to spare me from the humiliation that would be if any of these fuckers saw him destroying my hopes and dreams. If I had any.

“So, Jean.”

“Yes?”

“How come you haven’t filled your paper for your next year’s project?”

 _Is that all?_ I thought. A weight got off me as I realized this was less shitty than I expected. That asshole made it sound like I did something bad.

“I’m still thinking about it. If you can give me some time…”

“I already did. This is the last reminder I’m giving you. After, you’ll see the guidance counselor, and we both know you don’t want that to happen.”

“Yes.”

I had to admit, he knew how I worked. I guess that was kind of his job.

“Alright, give it me back tomorrow. Write some bullshit in it if necessary. It’s not something final. You can still change the schools you’re applying for.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now go. I have other students to meet.”

And I left the classroom, much lighter than I thought I would. Of course, I had no idea for what to do next year. Do you see me as anything besides what I am now? Me neither. The only thing I was sure, was I wasn’t going to do what my mother wanted.

“What was it about?” asked Marco, who actually waited for me right outside the classroom.

“Nothing important.”

We had math next. A subject to take my mind away from this shit.

“It’s because I haven’t filled some stupid paper…”

“The one about your project?”

“Yeah.”

“I can help you with it if you want.”

Hell no. If he tried to help me with, if anyone tried, that would lead to a disaster. I wouldn’t let them tell me what to do.

“No. But thank you for offering.”

“You’re welcome.”

He gave me a smile and leaped on the way to the math classroom. Watching him being all cheerful made me a little happier. Even if I knew he was only pretending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading, leaving kudos and commenting!
> 
> It may not seem a lot to you, but it is to me <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After reading this chapter, my beta reader started to call Jean 'the tsundere'

I realized Sasha and Connie weren’t actually that bad.

And by that bad it means they didn’t look at me like a rich bastard kid. Which was more than what most of the people of this town did.

Although, I never said they weren’t a pain in the ass. They didn’t know anything about keeping a low profile or just being silent.

But they were Marco’s friends, not mine. They hanged out with Marco, not me. They liked Marco, not Jean.

I was fine with that. It’s not like I wanted their attention or something. I would have gotten rid of them if I could, if it wasn’t too late. They were stuck to Marco, and Marco was stuck to me. You see my problem? That was way too much friends at once.

At least Marco didn’t invite them with us every time. As polite as he is, I thought whenever he mentioned us going out he would suggest they could join. He didn’t and I got to spend alone and calm quality time with him without them.

I think I had a special relationship with him. Or _he_ thought we had something special. Why? Well, I was the only one who he ever talked with about his … family issues. To anyone else, he kept lying.

I caught him looking at me sometimes when he was telling them how he moved here, his father’s new job. Like I was going to ruin the perfect little life he invented. Connie and Sasha probably wouldn’t have mind his situation, and I know he knew it.

Still, he avoided the subject as he could. Watching him stutter when he was asked to explain why we were never going to his house was enjoyable. And even if I’d rather die than help him getting out of the conversation, I would never, hear me, _never_ tell anyone about it. Give me that ‘Not as much of a jerk as you could have been’ medal.

Back on the two dumbasses. I guess spending more time with them got me more … or let’s say less bothered by them.

Besides lunch, I only met them at the so-great PE class. Connie had his fun. Sasha, on the contrary, hated every hour with the greatest teacher, Shadis. All the way to there she didn’t stop growling and finding new insults. My favorite is “wrinkled left butt cheek”. I bet she also complained in the girl’s locker room, since every girl in this class looked at her like she was a plague victim.

Except for one day that’s worth talking about, where our wonderful teacher decided to not show up for our class. He didn’t even think of informing the school. Told you, greatest fucking teacher of all time.

But seeing what kind of kid our class have, I wouldn’t have done the same. Hell, I wouldn’t even come for the entire year.

“So, what do we do?” asked Connie. “Sash, please don’t say we skip class.”

“Uh, technically we can.”

“We’re still supposed to be in class right now!”

“We could go to the study hall. Marco’s there.” I tried to offer.

“To do what?”

“Studying?”

“No one study in the study hall.”

Hell yeah. That’s exactly why we go there.

“If Marco’s there, we can talk to someone!”

“Always better than PE.”

In case you didn’t understood, Sasha hated not only Shadis, but also doing sport in general. How she stayed this fit with all the food she ate is a mystery. She’s a girl’s worst nightmare and best dream.

“Can we get Skittles before?”

“Skittles?”

“I’m hungry.”

Of course, she was hungry. We ate only two hours ago, such a long ass time. It was a miracle she didn’t pull out a bag of chips in between. I’ve seen her do that already. Marco told me one time, she brought a bigmac, like the burger, in their french class. The teacher was too surprised to do anything. She had some fucking balls.

Fortunately, our school provided a vending machine, with all the snacks you could dream of. Somehow, it was always full. And expensive as hell.

“Three bucks for a bag of skittles is a scam, but god, I’m such a bitch for them.”

Don’t question her. It only encourages her bullshit.

“Oh my god, there’s something stuck!”

“No, really?”

“Free food!”

And here I was, watching two idiots shake a vending machine in the middle of a deserted hallway. They say high school is the best time of your life.

“Come on Jean, help us!”

“No.”

“Bitch.”

Ask me why they’re not my favorite persons.

“Wait, maybe if I get the Skittles, it’ll make everything fall!”

“Go!”

Like this has ever work. Vending machine are a waste of money. Snacks get stuck behind the glass, so you have to buy more to try to make it fall. And, at the end, there’s at least four things stuck. Good job.

“Okay here it goes … Go my Skittles… And… Shit, no!”

Oh no, the Skittles didn’t work. No one saw that coming.

“Sash, I have an idea.”

Beware Connie’s ideas. They’re as stupid as him. I didn’t know how his brain, or whatever there was in his head work, and I don’t want to.

“I’m going to try to catch it with my hand!”

“Good call!”

What a good way of thinking. He didn’t catch a single thing.

Why did I stay? I wanted to see how this disaster was going to end. Joy? Tears? Murder? You never know. I wouldn’t miss a good scene.

“Jean! Do something!”

“I’m doing something. I’m not giving a fuck.”

“Good to know we can rely on you.”

“Come on dude, buy something. We don’t have more money. If it works, you get some Skittles.”

I sighed and took my wallet out of my bag. It was to make them leave faster, so we could finally meet Marco, wherever that sunshine boy was.

“I ain’t doing this for the Skittles. What do I buy?”

“The Twix, or the weird orange juice.”

“Let’s go for the orange juice”

It was the cheapest. Thankfully, none of them said something about the price.

The box of juice fell on the Skittles and the sandwich under it. Everything dropped in a loud thud.

“Yeah! We made it! Now come to me, baby Skittles!” She handed me the orange juice. “Here’s your juice.”

I didn’t want it. That shit looked like there was absolutely zero fruit in it. Only chemicals. Weren’t they ashamed of giving that shit to high schoolers?

“Where do we go?” asked Connie.

“To Marco!”

We went to the study hall 15 minutes late. We just had to say we waited for our teacher to come like the model students we are, but he never did. No one could blame us.

The place was full.

“I don’t see Marco.”

“Me neither.” Replied Sasha after swallowing a dozen of Skittles at once. She scared me.

“I’m calling him,” I said as I took my phone.

“Hold on, you got his number?”

So, Marco didn’t give them his number. I felt too much satisfaction for something as silly as that. But I was so happy to be closer to Marco than they were.

“Get on my level, peasant.”

Marco answered immediately.

_“Hey.”_

“It’s Jean.”

_“I know. Your name is on the screen.”_

Behind me, Connie and Sasha were laughing their asses of. “Look Connie, I’m Jean and I don’t know how phones work, blagh!”

_“Are you with Sasha? You guys aren’t supposed to have PE?”_

“Nah, teacher cancelled last minute.”

_“Ah, it must be a good thing, no?”_

“Maybe…Where are you right now?”

_“I talked to Dr Hanji for a while and now I’m going to the school library. You want to come?”_

“Gladly.”

“Why is Marco’s name ‘Babe’ in your phone?”

“What? No! Fuck you Connie!”

 _“Okay,”_ he laughed. _“See you there, Jean.”_

“Yeah.” I hanged up. “Seriously, what the fuck?”

“You’ve got to admit that was funny.”

“It wasn’t.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Shut up. Marco’s at the school library.”

“Oh, nice. I like books.”

“You haven’t read one for years Sash.”

I wouldn’t have minded if they stayed behind. But they followed me all the way there. I betted none of us went to the library during the last years. They probably thought it was a nerd thing. That would explain why Marco like to go there.

Set aside every time I went with sunshine boy, the number of times I set a foot in the school’s library wasn’t high.

“Here guys!” Marco reserved a table for us. Too nice.

“Oi!”

We all sat down. Marco had already started to work. My sixth sense was telling me he wouldn’t go further for the rest of the hour.

“What are you doing?” asked Sasha as she crouched over the table to see his notebooks.

“Math. We have a test next week.”

“I forgot about it…”

“I told you, you should have written it down, Jean.”

Sorry, I don’t have a good memory. Anyway, I wasn’t planning on studying for this test. Knowing when it would be change nothing.

“Well, we’re going to do some English. We have an essay to do with Sash.”

“I don’t want to!”

“We have to, Sash. It’s for the best. The world will be a better place after.”

I said, don’t questioned them. Don’t even think about it. They have to live in their own bullshit. One day, they may figure out on their own.

It made Marco chuckle. But that time, he covered his mouth with his hand. Did he want not to be seen laughing? Same. My face is so ugly when I laugh. Though it’s not the reason I didn’t laugh a lot. But Marco? He has such a gorgeous smile. I didn’t understand why he would want to hide it.

At some point, Marco pulled out of nowhere a box of cookies. I recognized it was his grandma’s. Connie and Sasha screamed like fangirls, while it was just cookies. They tended to overreact. No, they overreacted.

And since I’m very responsible, I only took two. Maybe three. Okay, I took four, are you happy now? Sasha ate a dozen of them. Plus the Skittles and the free sandwich.

As they devoured the poor souls of this cookies, I noticed a girl on another table, staring at the box. And by staring I mean she looked at it like it was her entire world. Literally. I poked Marco’s arm.

“What?”

“Look at the girl over there. I think she wants one of your cookies.” I made sure to murmur.

“You’re right. I’ll offer her some.”

He grabbed the box, Sasha faked crying, and he went to the girl’s table. He sat and talked with her for a few minutes, before giving her three cookies. She smiled a lot. I guess that’s the ‘Marco’ effect.

“Why do you look angry?”

“Huh?”

“You’re frowning and all.”

I wasn’t. Connie only made it up. Why would I be angry? At whom? That made no sense. I wasn’t angry. I was perfectly fine. 

“She’s really nice,” he said when he came back to us.

“Yeah, that’s cool,” replied Sasha. “Not that I don’t like you guys, but I gotta pee. It’s an emergency.”

She didn’t wait for an answer and dashed out of the library.

“With all the stuff she eats, I’m surprised she doesn’t go more often!” joked Connie.

Ten minutes, yes you heard me ten fucking minutes later, she was back, looking a little less stiff and calmer.

At the end of the period, no work had been done. The other were too busy chatting together, which was blocking me from focusing on something. On the way to biology, Marco remarked he found this time very funny and he would want to do it more often. It wasn’t like that he would get to med school. On another side, I was the worst to judge that.

Biology went like a flash. I remembered copying what Marco wrote in his notebook into mine. He would every now and then add a little note on the side to explain something. It was definitely for me. I appreciated a lot, but I never thought of thanking him for it.

I had the habit of walking with Marco to his bus stop each day we weren’t going to the sports club. I don’t know why I did that. Marco told me he liked it. And I liked to spend time alone with him.

“I need water.” he exclaimed that day.

“I only have orange juice if you want.” I handed the juice that freed the Skittles.

“That’ll do it. Thank you, Jean.”

He plugged the straw and sip a bit from it.

“It’s not good, right?”

“It tastes like dirty water.”

We chuckled. He didn’t hide behind his hand. The juice was thrown in the first thrash can we found.

“Is my name in your phone ‘Babe’?” he asked out of the blue.

“What? No, it’s not! Why would I? No! … I’ll fucking kill him…”

“It’s okay, Jean. I just wanted to know.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Jean.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“The bus is coming. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.”

He waved at me with both of his hands and a magnificent bright smile.

Cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Marco**

_Are you free tomorrow?_

See? This is what I got every day. Texts without a ‘hey’ or ‘how are you doing?’. He sent this shit like that, with no warnings. It could happen at any time. I guess it was because he was comfortable enough to do this. Bad news, I wasn’t.

**Me**

_Depends_

**Marco**

_There’s a place in town I haven’t went to yet_

**Me**

_Which one?_

**Marco**

_Ok, I can’t remember the name_

_But_

_It’s a dinner_

_You know, like in the 50s_

**Me**

_Wtf_

_is there one here??_

**Marco**

_Yeah! It looks really cool_

_Go with me?_

**Me**

_If you want…_

Since Marco and I became friends, I went out a lot more. Marco must have been doing this in Jinae. Although I don’t think there was many things to do there, like Lisa said. It may have encouraged Marco to all these “adventures” which consisted in us, roaming in the streets until Marco finds a restaurant, a coffee shop or a store he’d like to go to. Thanks to him, I discovered many places in town I had never heard of. And I’ve lost a lot of time. A fucking lot.

He dragged me anywhere he wanted. I convinced him to stop treating me every time. Trust me, it wasn’t easy. Sunshine boy’s such a stubborn person. I wondered where he got all that money from. His gran was probably not working.

We agreed on meeting at the bus stop downtown. It was the best way for him. And, you know me, never missing an opportunity to walk twenty minutes. Actually, it gave me plenty of time to listen and enjoy some music.

Before leaving, I surprised myself by wondering over my outfit. Even if it wasn’t a formal event or something. I’m kidding, I wouldn’t pay attention to my clothes, not even for a wedding. Why I cared _that day_ then? I had no clue. I only knew I wanted to look not that bad for once. Like someone who doesn’t make people feel ashamed of hanging with them.

I decided to go for the leather jacket. One of the only cool things I owned, with my Loki figurine (very detailed, limited edition) and my fake tattoo sleeve. I never got an opportunity to wear it, but I still love it. And yeah, I like Loki. The Loki of the Marvel Universe, the Norse God too. He can step on me whenever he wants. Anyway, I won’t brag about him; you probably don’t care.

So, I put on my cool leather jacket. The rest was still the same though. Little by little I could have changed into a fashionable dude. If only I didn’t have to invest my money somewhere else. I totally mean Marco’s adventure. I lost so much, like half of my salary, just to see him getting excited over a cheesecake, a bowling, a movie, a croissant, books, pants, fries, well, you got the gist.

I tried to leave the house unnoticed. Which, as every other attempt I made, failed because of my mom’s constant watching. She’s a creep. 

“Where are you going, _Jean_?”

“Nowhere,” I sighed. She was really nosy as fuck. Always wanting to get in my goddamn life.

“Do you want me to give you a ride?”

Other than the fact that it would be extremely ridiculous to arrive with my mother in one of her way-too-much expensive car, I couldn’t accept anything from her. It would be to admit I need her. I don’t.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am! Stop bothering me!”

I rushed to get out of this stupid nightmare house. When I arrived in the street, I plugged my earphones and started a random song on my phone. Listening to music was giving me motivation to walk. Kind of. It’s also a good way to keep track of time. Like, after two songs, I could know approximately 7 minutes went by.

It took me six songs to get to our meeting spot. Of course, Marco was already there. One day, I swear, I’ll beat him. He couldn’t be early every single time. It’s impossible for a human being. At that point, if sunshine boy turned out to be an alien, it wouldn’t fazed me.

“Hi, Jean!” At least I had a greeting this time. “I’m glad you could come.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Is that a new jacket? I’ve never seen you wearing it before…” he approached and looked closely at it.

“No, I just felt like taking it today.”

“It really suits you. You look very tough with it. Like, bad guy and all. It’s so cool.”

“That’s exactly the vibe I’m going for.” And he was the only one to ever support my way of dressing.

“Okay, mister bad guy, let’s go!” he chuckled.

The dinner was two minutes away, thanks to Marco who looked before on google maps, instead of some idiot who just show up. It was nice on the outside. There were red and pink neon lights, which formed the name and a burger. You could see inside with all the huge windows.

“Come on, Jean!” He grabbed my arm and pull us in.

The inside looked as good. I hadn’t gone to a dinner before, what a mistake. The black and white floor tiles, the red seats, the mint blue walls, a jukebox in the back… Everything mixed up together to create an atmosphere you can see only there. I felt as if I was being in a TV show.

“It’s great, isn’t it?”

“It’s fucking fabulous…”

He didn’t let go of my arm until we found a seat. God, what seat. They were a blessing for my ass, no joke. On a different note, Marco didn’t seat next to me that day, but in front of me. I had no idea why he changed. Maybe I smelled?

“Good afternoon!” I didn’t hear the waitress coming. “Here’s our menu. Take you time to choose.”

“I’d like to have a milkshake,” said Marco after she left. “But they’re too much flavor, I can’t pick one.”

“You can choose one for me and taste it, if you want.”

First of all, I don’t know why I asked that. It was one of this time where my brain just left my body, and whatever was in control did some shit. Second, this has to be one of the fucking worst decisions of my life. The first mistake of the afternoon. And of many others.

“You’d do that?”

“Yes. Now, choose.”

“Hum…” As he focused, he bit his lips. I didn’t think picking milkshake flavor was this hard, yet it seemed like this is the hardest choice he ever made.

“Please nothing weird. For me.”

“Jean, who do you take me for?”

“Someone who hang too much with Sasha and Connie.”

“True. I’m sure they’d choose bacon.”

“Wait, what? There’s bacon flavor?!”

“Yes!” he laughed.

“Oh my god, this is definitely the worst.”

Marco continued laughing as he read the whole menu. We weren’t alone there, but it was so calm it felt like it.

“Do you like strawberry?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“It’s my favorite fruit. With oranges.”

“Does that mean I’ll have a strawberry milkshake?”

“If it’s okay with you.”

“As long as it’s not bacon What will you have?”

“Nutella.”

I swear, these fancy flavors are gonna be the end of me.

“Good choice.”

The waitress came back and took our order. Marco asked her if people sometimes choose the bacon flavor. She answered: “only on a dare.” I guess that’s why they kept it on the menu. But honestly, just the thought of it was disgusting. Like imagine if they blended pieces of bacon with milk. Urgh.

“So, Jean. Tell me more about you.”

“What?”

Yeah, what the fuck Marco? As far as I knew, it wasn’t a date. Or an interview. I should have been ready to fight that, since you don’t know what to expect with Marco. I promised myself I’ll be more prepared next time.

“Well, I’ve been talking a lot about me, but besides your family, I don’t really know much about you.”

He was right. I didn’t plan on opening up to him. The fantastic life of Jean Kirstein was a story closed to anyone who wasn’t me. And I had already told him way too much than what I wanted.

“What do you want to know?”

“Whatever you want to tell me.” He leaned closer and cupped his face with his hands like he was going to hear some fucking great drama. Wait, something was running towards us! Faster and faster! Oh no! It was a disappointment!

“There’s nothing to know about me.”

Nailed it.

“I’m sure there’s something. Do you play an instrument? Do you have a hobby? Sport? Anything?”

The waitress cut him off by bringing our milkshakes. Thank you, unknown woman. It was getting unbearable. If he had asked me one more question, I would have gotten madder than needed.

“I don’t.”

“Okay. I didn’t want to put any pressure on you…”

Even if I was the biggest shithead, he stayed nice and polite with me. While I would have punch me a good hundred times if I was him. I don’t deserve such an angel.

“It’s fine.”

On a completely different subject, the milkshakes were served in amazing glasses, with whipped cream on top. It looked so delicious.

Since I unconsciously wanted to make Marco feel a bit better, I pushed my glass in front of him.

“You can go first.” I tried to not look at him, because he certainly had a hopeful glimmering face. Which would have ruined my stupid grumpy attitude.

“Thank you.” He took the glass. “You can take a sip of mine too, if you want.”

Mistake number two: I looked at him. He had this big smile that made him close his eyes. This smile was the proof he kind of forgave me. I know he must have tried really hard to be friends with me. And I don’t even know why. What did he see in me? I’m not worthy of all the efforts he made.

“Yes. I’d like to.” You know I couldn’t resist his smile.

I grabbed his glass. We drank at the same time. Surprise, the Nutella milkshake tasted like Nutella but with milk.

“So, what do you think?”

“Not bad. You?”

“It’s really good. Here, have yours.”

We swapped our glasses again. Marco had been careful to not drink too much. I wouldn’t have given a fuck if he drank half of it, but he’s like that.

I drank a bit of mine. Sunshine boy was right, the taste was a delight. However, he didn’t drink his. Instead he picked a paper napkin and cleaned the end of the straw. Where I drank. Something I didn’t think of doing before drinking.

And here’s mistake number three.

The choices I had depended on Marco. If he said nothing, I would pretend everything was fine and my head is not exploding. But if he said something, I would have come up with a shitty answer like ‘Well, you’re not sick’, like I didn’t care. Listen, it was so bad, I thought of saying ‘No homo’. How did you want me to react? That was a goddamn indirect kiss! I couldn’t just wash my tongue in front of him.

Fortunately, he kept his mouth shut. But I knew he knew, he fooled no one. This considerate bastard kept it for himself. I. Hate. Him.

No, I don’t. How can I hate him? He’s done nothing to piss me off. I wanted to hate him so bad, I just couldn’t. There had to be magic involved at some point. Or a satanic ritual, it’s the same.

We had almost finished our milkshakes when the tragedy came by the front door. Because, obviously, this day wasn’t awful enough.

“Is it a joke or something?”

“What?” Marco followed my gaze and turned over. “Is that Eren? What is he doing here?”

“This motherfucker…”

He noticed us too. And Armin wasn’t with him, which meant he had lost 50% of his impulse control. The other 50 being Mikasa.

“Hey, look at that! If it isn’t horse-face!”

Don’t ask where this absurd nickname comes from. I don’t even know myself. Eren, with his brain as big as a pebble, may have thought it was funny to compare me to an animal. With which I have nothing in common. This idea must have come from a fart he retained too much it got to his head.

“What’s up dickhead?”

Fighting with Eren made me get up of a chair like nothing else. Someone had to teach this brainless kid a lesson.

“It’s not like you to come in such cheap place. Did your parents finally disowned you?”

“Even if they did, I’d still have more money than your whole broke family. Or whatever it is. Y’all should stop fucking each other, it’ll be easier.”

“You wanna fucking fight Kirstein?”

“I’ll beat your ass in no time, Jaeger.”

“Oh yeah, we’ll see!”

I would have punched him. I’d have so much punched his shitty face if Marco didn’t get between us. I didn’t even realize he left his seat.

“We were going, right Jean?” He mouthed a silent ‘Please’.

“Not until every of his bones cracked.”

“You can’t even break a light stick, weakass.”

“It’s enough to destroy you, you shrimp.”

I assume Marco ran out of patience. And I, being the greatest human, had decided to throw all my anger on Jaeger. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I should have listened to Marco. If so, he wouldn’t have grabbed me by the collar to make me leave.

It didn’t hurt though. Marco must have been careful with the way he drag me out. His little attention didn’t make my blinding anger go away.

“What the hell Marco?”

“Stop that Jean! It’s silly!”

That was the first time I saw him mad. Like really mad. And it was because of me. It was meant to happen at some point. I fuck up everything. My friendship with Marco had no chance to work from the start.

“You can’t just go and threaten people in a public place!”

“Well, you can’t just take me away like I’m your fucking pet or anything!”

“It’s not that.” He sighed and calmed down. I could never have the self-control he had. “Did you seriously want to fight him there? What for?”

“No!”

“Then why?”

A question I didn’t want to answer. For the answer might not have been what I had wanted these last years. I had no reason to keep getting into arguments with Eren. I just hated him, but fighting him every time we see each other? That was totally disproportionate. I wanted to be right, to have an actual reason to beat his ass, when I had none.

So, I did what most people do when they’re faced with an obvious problem but they’re too enraged to think logically.

“I’m done with this shit. I’m leaving.”

“Wait, Jean…”

“Fuck you Marco!”

“Jean, please…”

I didn’t wait for him to finish. I left without looking back, even if he called my name. I had to run away from everything. To leave the world behind and be alone with my thoughts. Because that’s what I do. Behold, the professional coward.

The hardest part was to not pay attention to Marco screaming behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who read, commented and left kudos so far!  
> You guys are my motivation to keep wrtiting!

I didn’t go home. That would have been a stupid-ass move, only deteriorating more my mood. It wasn’t the best time to deal with my parent’s bullshit.

During these times when I wanted to be away from the world, I reminded myself I had nowhere to go. Of course, I had a roof, and a place to sleep. But I had no real home. No place where I felt safe or where I was happy to be.

For anyone who knew me a little, guessing where I went every time I was upset, sad, mad, or feeling too much emotion was a piece of cake. Gladly, no one knew me that well.

You see, there was this park in town. Avoided by many, praised by the others. It was famous for being the meeting places of illegal business. You wanted drugs, guns, counterfeit, anything? You went there. They even say there’s a guy who kills people somewhere. Never saw him.

Pros: the park was always deserted; the whole town was afraid to come. Also, anyone I’ve met there turned out to be cool with me just hanging around. They usually kick out or intimidate people if they didn’t get out of the place quick. Maybe they saw in me a potential customer.

Cons: There’s always a dude who’s going to keep asking me if I want to buy something. Or someone to blow smoke right next to my spot. And trust me, those smokes didn’t smell good at all.

My favorite spot was on top of the slide in the middle of a children’s play area, or whatever it was supposed to be. The mayor thought it would be a great idea to build one in this park. So families could come back, and the drugs dealer would have to go away. It didn’t work.

I found this place a few years ago. I was careful to not go often, so people had less chance to see me there. It was my little piece of heaven, apart from this shitty society, and its shitty people.

And as the sky went dark, I watched the pigeons gathered around an old lady, who seemed to be brave enough to come into this park and throw bread at brainless birds. I envied her. She probably had a lonely bit peaceful life. Said life was far, far away from me. I brought my knees to my chest, curled up like a lost child.

I thought about what happen at the dinner. I overstepped. Eren and I had always our silly fights. They weren’t even fights. I hate him, but that was no reason to punch him. Marco was right, this needed to stop. If I just ignored him, everything could be fine. And I would show I’m better than him, by having a more mature attitude.

“Hey kid!”

I looked down, to the person who interrupted my flow of thoughts. It was a young man, in his twenties, wearing a gym outfit and a snapback. He leaned on the ladder.

“What?” I tried my best to sound aggressive. An art I’ve started to master, considering what happened with Marco.

“You want something?”

“Fuck off.”

“Wow, cool dude. I’m not putting any pressure on you. I’m a nice guy, not like the other douchebags here.”

I never trusted people who called themselves ‘nice’. That kind of self-congratulation disgust me. I’d rather find out they’re nice by myself.

“Go away. I’m not interested.”

He mumbled something as he left, which I’m glad I didn’t hear. That creep was the only one to bother me that night. Yeah, because I spent all the night there. Or almost all the night. I couldn’t tell the time, my phone died, and I never think of wearing a watch. So, around midnight I suppose, I left the park. Because it was getting so fricking cold.

I wandered in the streets for a moment. I hate to admit it, but I must have looked like a broken man, y’know, walking aimlessly and slowly. These streets I knew better than the ones who lived in them. Getting attached to people was harder than to objects, at least for me. Yay, another example of my stupidity.

When I finally got home, after a long walk, all the lights were off. My mother got tired of waiting for me. At least I could come into the house at any time, that wouldn’t have been different. The door was unlocked, which is something she never let happen before.

I tried my best to go to my room without a noise. A failure, but I wasn’t that loud either. My parents didn’t wake up, or at least they pretended they were asleep. Then I decided that ‘fuck everything’, and I made myself some coffee. It’s important to treat yourself. That’s why, instead of a cup, I poured a complete bowl of coffee. It helped warming my cold hands, from all the time I was outside.

Before climbing up the stairs, I remembered to write my mother a note. I planned on not going to school tomorrow. And the school was gonna call her if I didn’t show up. Unless she called them before, to tell them I was a lazy bitch who just wants to skip class.

_Not going to school tomorrow. Call them._

_Jean_

Short, concise, perfect. I just had to hope she would actually do it. I wasn’t asking her a lot; she could do that for me.

The first thing I did when I got into my room was to plug my phone to recharge its batteries. It sounds stupid but I can’t live without it. I spent half of my day on it. Don’t judge, okay? I put my bowl on my desk and sat there, leaning on my chair.

That day had been awful. My mind was exhausted from it all. My body was tired too, but extremely less than my head. It felt like it was going to explode. You know, the usual.

My phone turned back on after 10 minutes of me contemplating the wall and the disaster I was. I discovered in pure horror I had 15 unread texts from Marco. And 6 missed calls. _Holy shit._

**Marco**

_Jean?_

_Are you okay?_

_I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talk to you that way_

_Can you come back, please?_

_Where are you?_

_Do you want me to come?_

_Look, I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but please tell me you’re okay_

_I’m going home now_

_Please Jean, just tell me you’re fine_

_I don’t think I couldn’t handle it if something bad happened to you_

_I’m so sorry_

_Please forgive me_

_Jean_

_I don’t know if you’ve read these messages already, but if you did, please answer me. You left without saying anything, and I’m really worried. I know you can make your own decisions and I don’t have to know about them. Just text me anything._

_Goodnight, Jean._

Wow. He totally freaked out. I could understand. Nonetheless, he made me regret my behavior earlier. He was trying to help me, and I reacted like an asshole.

And since Marco is Marco, he was blaming it all on him. While I was the shithead responsible for this mess. And Eren. Don’t forget this bastard. I drank some of my coffee, very much needed, before writing back to Marco. The poor boy was going to die from a heart attack if I didn’t.

**Me**

_I should apologize too. I didn’t react well, Eren made me go mad. Sorry, Marco. For bothering you and making you worried. Also, sorry for not answering earlier, my phone ran out of power._

_And thank you for stopping me before it got out of hand._

I really meant it, from the bottom of my heart. No one ever step for me in a fight. It was always Mikasa or Armin who did the job. They must have been sick of it.

I just had a minute to think about it when Marco called me. I thought he was going to bed at 9, this nerd. He had been fast.

“Hey.”

“ _Oh my god, Jean, I was super scared._ _I thought you got hit by a car, or you got kidnapped, or you did something bad in anger- “_

“Wow, calm down, Marco. It’s fine.”

“ _Ah, sorry. I think my imagination went a bit too far.”_

“Yeah, no shit.” He chuckled and I felt lightened. “And I’m the one who has to apologize more. You did nothing wrong while I was being a huge dick.”

“ _Don’t worry, I’ve already forgotten about it.”_

Have you ever seen a person this nice? Have you?? Or he absolutely didn’t forget and one day he’ll use it to blackmail me.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping right now? It’s like 3 am.”

“ _I couldn’t. Too much on my mind.”_

“Do you want to talk about it?”

_“No but thank you for offering.”_ I could tell he was fake smiling through his voice.

“Okay.”

_“Why are_ you _awake at 3?”_

“Oh, I just got back home.”

_“Uh? Where have you been all this time?”_

“At the park, near the church. Do you see where it is?”

_“I think. I’m not familiar with the whole town yet, but I see where the church is. What did you do?”_

“Oh, nothing. I just enjoy being there, it’s very calm. I’ll show you someday if you want.”

_“I’d like to. I wish I could show you Jinae, but it’s not quite possible.”_

I don’t think he wanted to talk about it this much, since it may have reminded him of bad memories. So, I changed the topic of our conversation.

“By the way, I’m not going to school tomorrow, wait no, today. You can tell them I’m sick or whatever.”

_“Okay. Are you still coming to the gym?”_

“Yes, I can’t just miss work like that.”

_“But you can miss school?”_

“It’s not the same. I need that job.”

_“School is important too, Jean.”_

“Thanks mom.”

_“Jean!”_

_“_ No, really, you’d be a better mom than mine.”

_“I doubt it.”_

“I don’t. Your kids are gonna be lucky.”

_“Wow, I’m not there yet!”_

“One day, your kid will say ‘You’re the best, dad!’ and you’ll think ‘oh yeah, Jean was right’. Because, yeah, I’m always right.”

_“Always?”_ he giggled.

“What? You don’t believe me?”

_“Not really.”_ He kept on laughing, but I didn’t mind. After what I put him through that day, he deserved to laugh a bit. And even on the phone, his laugh sounded pure and melodic.

“Betrayal tastes bitter.”

“ _Come on, Jean, it’s not betrayal_.”

“It feels like it.”

“ _Absolutely_ …” he yawned. “ _Not_.”

“Oh, is someone tired?”

_“What did you expect? It’s 3.”_

“You can go to sleep, you know. You don’t have to stay on the phone.”

_“And if I want to?”_

“I’ll end the call.”

_“That’s unfair.”_

“You’re the one who has to go to class early tomorrow. It gives you, what, 3 or 4 hours of sleep?”

_“Don’t want to sleep through English class!”_

“Unless you want to get your ass beat by a dwarf.”

_“He’s not that small! Well, he’s certainly smaller than us…”_

“Picture him next to Berthold.”

_“Oh my god, he’d look even smaller. I mean, everyone looks small next to Berthold.”_

“Yeah… But don’t try that with me. This is the end of our conversation. You’re going to sleep.”

_“Aren’t you?”_

“Okay, fine. I’ll go if you do.”

_“Yes! Now, go to bed. I wanna hear the sheets.”_

“Ugh.” I made my way to my bed, forgetting the coffee on my desk, which had probably got cold anyway. I shuffled my blanket as loudly as I could, so Marco could hear it. “Are you happy now?”

_“Not until you’ve had a full night of sleep.”_

“Unlikely to happen.”

_“You can still try.”_ He stopped speaking for a minute. I thought he fell asleep, but he added: _“Goodnight, Jean.”_

“Goodnight, Marco.” I replied, smiling.

And he hanged up.

For a while, I just laid on my back, staring blankly at the ceiling. An awful beige ceiling if you want my opinion. Marco’s voice was still echoing in my ears like he was next to me. It felt weird.

I found it hard to believe he forgave me so easily for what I did. The idea that he had something evil involving me in mind couldn’t leave. I knew it sounded stupid and somehow selfish, but I didn’t see any other reason for him to be my friend so bad. Maybe he was after my family’s money. Wouldn’t be the first time.

I fell asleep thinking about Marco. And surprisingly, it worked well. I had a good half-night half-day of sleep. I felt rested and woke up full of energy. That was the first time in months it happened. Good thing I decided to skip school that day.

The house was quiet, as always. I got down the stairs and went straight to the kitchen. I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours, my stomach claimed food. I made sandwiches. Loser’s lunch, I know. I could cook decently if that’s what you think. I just wanted something quick for that day. The TV and a good show were waiting for me.

After binge watching an entire season, it was time for me to go to work. The day would have been perfect if I hadn’t. But I learnt from my parents that money comes first.

I walked to the club. Very interesting. I got there before Marco did. Hannes wasn’t even there. He had left me a note saying I had to close since he was unavailable for the night. A fancy way to say he was drunk.

So, I took the broom, which was becoming my best friend, and cleaned the floor. I kinda hurried, because I knew I didn’t work a lot when Marco, Reiner, Berthold or Annie were there. Mostly since I always got caught up in their conversations.

“Hey, Jean!”

“Hi.”

“Did you manage to sleep?”

“Yes. Better than usual.”

“I’m glad! Because I fell asleep mid-class in french.” He laughed and put a hand on his neck. I sighed, but I couldn’t scowl at him. Not when he was this happy.

“Hey guys!” shouted Reiner as he put his arms around our shoulders.

“Hi Reiner!” answered Marco.

“Before I forget, I have to tell you that you’re both invited to the party I’m throwing Saturday at Berthold’s house. You’re free?”

“Yes!” exclaimed sunshine boy, way too enthusiastically for that.

“Nice! I’ll text you the details!”

And he left us, to go to the restroom with Berthold, who greeted us. Then I turned around to face Marco. He was holding his bag strap with both hands and had a glowing aura coming from him. That’s what usually happen when he’s so happy: he’s shining like a fucking sun.

“It’s gonna be so great!”

It was a party held by college student. His expectations were higher than the reality, blame the stupid movies. But I guess he hadn’t been to a lot of parties before. Whereas I had. And let me tell you Reiner’s parties are something.

However, nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!!
> 
> It really means a lot to me to know people are enjoying my fic ^_^
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter!
> 
> Take care of you <3

Saturday arrived so fast; I didn’t get the time to overthink about it. Which is kind of a good thing, because if I did, I probably wouldn’t have been to it. But Marco was so excited to go, he only talked about the party for the whole week, I couldn’t decline the invitation. What’s more, there would be free food, and I ain’t saying no to this.

I knew there would mostly be college students there. Marco and I would stand out. That wouldn’t be the first time.

I didn’t sleep the night before. It’s important for the story, you’ll see. It didn’t stop me from living a perfectly normal Saturday in front of my computer, eating potatoes chips, watching series. What can I say, I love it.

Marco had the wonderful idea to go together. Mainly because he had no idea where Berthold’s house was. And also, maybe he was a little scared or something and he wanted me to reassure him. What am I? His mom?

Since Marco liked it so much, I put on my leather jacket. I just had to hope no one would spill their glass on me. Shit cost money.

When I got outside, I was glad I put on my jacket. It was cold as fuck, even if it was still 6pm. I watched my breathed transformed into a little fog. Like I was smoking.

Gladly, there were still buses at that time. Full of weirdos, but I wasn’t feeling like walking all the way to Marco’s house then to Berthold’s.

As soon as I got in it, I realized that was some shitty idea. The bus was stinking like there was dead bodies decomposing under the seats. Made me wanna throw up. What’s more, the only other passenger was an old dude, spreading his legs like his dick was too big. Disgusting. It took me all I had to finally sit down, far away from the creep. I swore to never take the bus again.

The ride was awfully quiet. I didn’t listen to music, I felt like I needed all my senses to survive that. My legs even started to bounce by itself. How was Marco doing this every day?

As a result of the lack of music, time slowed. It seemed like it has been hours when we eventually arrived at Marco’s stop. I let out a breath I had no idea I’d been holding when he stepped in. He was wearing a black jacked on a white shirt.

“Hi Jean! Ready to party?”

“Please, don’t say that.” He sat next to me. Way too close, but I prefer him than the creepy dude.

“Come on Jean, stop being so serious.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! Look, you’re even frowning.” He was damn too close. I could see the sparkles in his eyes.

“Absolutely not.”

“Relax, it’ll be fun.”

When someone says something like this, it means there’ll be no fun. I really had a bad feeling about the party. Or about the night in general. I knew I should’ve stayed home and eat my chips alone. Did I learn nothing from my mistakes? God, what an idiot I am.

“Jean? You’re daydreaming again.”

“No…”

“Is something wrong?”

“Nope. Everything is perfectly fine.”

Yeah I know, I call him a liar but I’m much worse. It was for his own good you know? If I told him, he would’ve worried about me, and not enjoyed the party.

“When’s the stop to Reiner’s house?”

“It’s not his, but Berthold’s.”

“But Reiner said _he_ was throwing the party?”

“Yeah, but he lives in a shitty flat, while Berthold’s parents own a house with a pool. The best for parties.”

“No one told be there would be a pool! I would have brought my swimsuit.”

“You’d be lucky to be in it with your clothes.”

“What?”

“Last summer, some people got thrown naked in the pool. Not very hygienic, but funny.”

“Oh my god…”

“Now, you regret coming, right?”

“Maybe a little?”

“Don’t worry, it won’t happen. Just don’t play any drinking games.”

“Noted.”

With him, the ride to Bert’s house went a lot faster. We still had to walk a bit after, but you could hear the music a few blocks away, so we had no problem finding the party. As always, there was the smokers in front of the house.

“Let’s go in.” I said as I grabbed Marco’s arm and lead him inside.

I couldn’t count the number of people present. I didn’t know most of them. The music was fucking loud, basses almost shaking the house.

The first thing we needed to do in order to fit a little was to get a drink. We went to the kitchen, where all the snacks and booze was stored. There was a shit ton of beers, Reiner loves it.

“What do you want?”

“I think I’ll go with a beer to start.”

I poured beer in two red paper cups for us. Then, we continued our exploration of the house. We had to push people to get through the room. It was awful, a mix of sweat, alcohol, smoke and at least 10 other unidentified smells. We found Reiner outside, by the pool, chatting with two girls.

“Jean! Marco! Nice to see you guys could come!” He greeted us with his arms wide open, a bottle of beer in each hand. He was already drunk.

“Hi.”

Suddenly, Marco was a lot quieter than usual. Maybe he was intimidated by the crowd. I knew he was outgoing, but that night, I discovered he was also a bit shy.

“Ah, Jean, you already know Ymir and Krista?” He gestured at the two girls. I’ve met them at one of his parties last summer, but I couldn’t remember their names. They were in the same high school as us. I avoided them; it would have been embarrassing if I couldn’t call them by their names. “Girls, the cutie next to him is Marco.”

“Nice to meet you, Marco!” Cheerfully said the blond girl, who I assumed to be Krista.

Marco’s cheeks turned pink, and he scratched his neck in embarrassment. He’d better have enjoyed it. Not everyone got the privilege of being call ‘cute’. The last time I’ve been, I was still a baby. Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not like _I wanted_ to be called cute. I was trying hard to be the exact opposite.

“Nice to meet you too…” he mumbled.

“Relax dude. She ain’t gonna eat you.” Added Ymir. The height difference between her and Krista was almost comical. They were different in many points, Ymir had a freckled tanned skin with dark hair, and Krista had a really pale perfect skin, she looks like a doll. “But I’d gladly take a bite of her…” She nuzzled her nose into Krista’s hair.

“They’re rooms for that.” I grumbled. No, I wasn’t into PDA. Things like that are private and shouldn’t be offered to the eyes of others.

“Can’t I love my little dove?”

“Ymir, this is embarrassing...”

“But you like it…” Singed Ymir into Krista’s ear. She blushed.

“Hey, you know you’re all in the same high school?” interrupted Reiner.

“You too Marco?”

“Yes, but I only arrived this year, so it’s normal you haven’t seen me already…”

“Dude I had no idea!”

I felt like I wasn’t included in this conversation, so I discreetly walk away from them. Marco could be friends with them if he wanted. He could be friends with anyone. I left to find Berthold and Annie, leaving Marco with Reiner, Krista, and Ymir and their discussion about high school shit.

Turned out Berthold and Annie were actually in one of the bedrooms, chilling on a couch. They didn’t have any drinks, which encouraged me to speak to them. They were probably the only one sobers there. Although, I don’t think Annie can get drunk. She’s too strong for that.

“What’s up?” I said as I jumped on the couch, next to Berthold.

“Nothing much,” he answered. “All this, it’s for Reiner. He’s got a lot of pressure lately.”

“Shit. Nothing bad?”

“No, just college and work.”

“We all have different ways of dealing with it.” Pointed out Annie.

“And Reiner’s way is drinking.”

“He’d never do it alone.” Berthold looked kinda sad as he spoke. “He’s too much pride.”

I had seen my mother getting drunk on while by herself at night a hundred times. And not once she didn’t look pathetic. My father preferred getting drunk in the arms of another woman, younger and prettier.

“Did Marco come?”

“Yeah, he’s outside. Last time I saw him he was speaking with Krista and Ymir.”

“Ah. I didn’t think they’d show up.”

“Wait, you guys have been up here since when?”

“Four pm.” Blankly answered Annie.

“We turned off the TV when the first guests arrived.”

“What a shame.”

I could understand their pain. If it weren’t to escape my family, I wouldn’t have come here. Party, like any event, aren’t my thing. What’s funny is how, in middle school, I dreamt of these sickass parties I saw on some movies. I thought I’d be the popular guy, who has the body of a god, and gets all the ladies. Now the only thing I dream of is a good night of sleep. Downgrade at its finest.

I stayed on that couch for two hours. At some point, Berthold went to grab some drink for us. He wisely chose Iced Tea. Me on the other hand, didn’t move a finger. Don’t blame me, it was very cozy. And I enjoyed spending some time with Annie and Berthold. They were reserved but nice people. I couldn’t stop thinking about Marco, who must have had a lot more fun than I did. He didn’t send any text to know where I was, so I guessed he was busy. It was fine. He could live his life.

Well, it was fine until we heard someone getting thrown into the pool. You couldn’t mishear it. It had to be someone heavy to make a sound louder than the damn music. What kind of idiot would let themselves be thrown in a not-so-clean water in a pool where most people fucked? Because apparently being soaked in beers and water turned some people on.

Anyway, I got curious and got up to take a quick look at the window. There was a dozen people in the pool, all fully clothes. And in the middle of them all, was Marco, floating like a dead man.

As I rushed down the stairs, the thought came into my mind that none of us had any spare clothes. And also, no way to go back home. When I told you I shouldn’t have come, that’s exactly why.

I finally managed to get my way outside, after stepping on twenty foot, and breaking four make outs. Suddenly Marco in the pool was the last of my worries. It had been replaced by Reiner. Or more precisely, Reiner’s arm around Marco’s waist, dragging him closer and closer. _Not on my watch._

“What the fuck?”

He was laughing and didn’t mind Reiner invasive behavior. However, I did. And I wasn’t about to let it happen without doing anything.

“Reiner.”

“Wow dude, relax. Take a shit, you look like you’re constipated.” I grimaced, but at least he took his hands off Marco and backed off. I know Reiner wasn’t the kind of guy who’s serious about his relationship. I couldn’t count the number of times he told me about his one-night-stands.

“Yeah Jean, take a shit.” Parroted Marco. He then snickered like a 3 year-old.

“Marco. Get out of the pool.”

“Why don’t you come in?”

“Please, get out of here. I told you to not- “

“But, Jean… It’s funnier…”

I crouched down. “Marco, I swear…”

“No, don’t tell me you’re afraid of water?”

“What? No that’s not …”

“It’s totally it! Jean Kirstein is afraid of water!”

He was getting on my nerves.

“Stop that. Listen, if you’re not getting out right now, I’m leaving without you.”

“Noooo, Jean…”

“Do what you want.”

I got up and walked a few steps before he opted for the best choice: to follow me. Reiner had no chance against me. For once.

“Wait for me, Jean!”

He used the strength of his arms to push himself out of the pool. I guessed it was meant to look cool, but it was more pathetic. He landed flat on his stomach, his legs still in the water.

“Uh, can you help me, please?”

“Geez, you’re hopeless.”

I offered him my arm to help. He grabbed it and used it to fully get out of that damn pool. All of his clothes were ruined. His shirt stuck to his skin, revealing the details of his muscles. And his jacket was nowhere to be seen. Water was dropping from his much darker than usual hair. He noticed it and slicked back his hair with a hand. I got to admit it looked fucking good on him.

“Let’s go!” he joyfully exclaimed after he was standing on his two feet.

I let him lead the way out of the house, since people systematically stepped aside him to avoid getting wet.

When we got outside, I thought it was over, but it wasn’t the case of drunk sunshine boy.

“Oh no! I forgot my jacket inside!”

“I’m not going back.”

“Okay. I’ll go alone. By myself. With nobody…” he kept on mumbling as he turned back. What a drama queen.

I was getting exhausted. My body really wasn’t made for late night parties. Especially when I didn’t sleep the night before. I sat down on the sidewalk and checked the time. It was past midnight. There wasn’t any bus this late. Fucking great, the night was becoming more and more better. If I never went home for the night, or what was left of it, I wouldn’t have been surprised. I even doubted I’ll get any sleep that night. I was so lucky.

But thank god, I wasn’t drunk. I don’t want to imagine what could have happen if I had been. Although, I’m not a very fun drunk. I just get a huge headache and complain about it.

“Jean!” I heard Marco screaming all of sudden. I got up, thinking he had done something bad, or someone else did.

Instead, I watched him run out of Berthold’s house, his arms full of drinks and snacks. He had wrapped it all in his jacket, but a bag of chips fell as he passed the door.

“Jean, run!” he screamed again.

He dashed past me and started to cross the street with large strides. I couldn’t believe it. Marco, the kindest guy ever, the one who is always giving us free homemade cookies, who stole a party’s food? Brilliant. Incredible. Amazing. Show stopping. Spectacular. Never the same. Totally unique. Completely not ever been done before.

Of course, I followed him in his sick race. PE proved to be useful that night. My legs were running by themselves. I was laughing like a mad man. This idea was just too funny to me, it was the last thing I expected Marco to do. He would from time to time turn his head around to see if I was keeping up. He was laughing too.

We both had no idea how long we ran. We stopped at the local supermarket, so I guessed it lasted a good ten minutes. I was heavily breathing, not being prepared to do that much physical exercise. Marco looked fine, unbothered by the run. Asthma, huh?

“What the hell, Marco?”

“Free food!”

“Geez, we’re deep in the shit.”

“Buuuuut… We have free food!”

I couldn’t compete against his enthusiasm.

“Did anyone see you?”

“I don’t know.” He giggled. I took some of the chips bags to help him. “Oh, this one’s for Sash.” He pointed at one lettuce flavored. “She told me she wants to taste it.”

“Weird. But not surprising.”

“Like the bacon milkshake!”

“Yes.”

In the darkness of the night, his laugh brought the missing sunlight. No, I’m not exaggerating anything. He has a magic laugh.

I only noticed he was staring at me when I got out of my thoughts. His eyes were reading my soul. That was embarrassing.

“What? I have something on my face?”

“No, I…” he stepped towards me. We were only a few centimeters apart. I could feel his breath on my skin. Then he let his head fall down on my shoulder. And the world stopped. I wasn’t laughing anymore. My entire body stiffed under his touch. My fist clenched. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t push him away.

“I want to go home, Jean.” He wasn’t crying. I thought he would be.

“Okay…” I managed to utter.

It felt like an eternity.

“Sorry.” He let go of me. “I know you don’t like direct contact.”

“It’s fine.” I lied.

“Let’s go then.”

He didn’t say where we were going, so I just followed him through the streets. I hoped he knew what he was doing. When I think about it now, I just want to slap myself for trusting a drunk man.

“Want some?” he handed a bag of cheese Doritos.

“Why not.” I took a handful of it. There was too much salt on it. That didn’t stop Marco from eating half of the bag.

We had been walking for just a few minutes when he shivered. The night was cold and being soaked in water probably didn’t help. Even I quivered a little.

“Marco, are you cold?”

“No.” He looked at his hands, who had gone white. I think he must have tried to move his fingers, in vain. “Ok, maybe a little.”

“Bodt, you gonna be the death of me.” I sighed.

Nonetheless, I took off my jacket and gave it to him. That’s not a ‘cute’ gesture, okay? I didn’t want to take care of him drunk _and_ sick.

“It’s not my size.”

“Well, that’s all I’ve got. Unless you want to freeze you ass before we get where the hell you’re taking us.”

“I said home.”

“Yours? Mine?”

“Why would I want to go to your home, Jean?” He laughed. I was close to just leave him and let him find his way by himself.

“Then we still have to walk.”

“No.”

You see when characters in cartoon are angry and they start to pull out their hair? I always thought it was exaggerated until then. I was about to do it.

“I gonna lay there.” Sleepily said Marco as he headed to some grass nearby.

“Do not lay there, Marco.”

I had to grab him by the collar with my free hand to stop him. He mumbled something about earth being comfier than a table (?). I took his right arm, and put over my shoulders, to make him stand up. It kinda worked. All the chips and soda he had made it messy, I struggled to keep him standing.

“I want to sleep… Give me a bed Jean…”

“How?”

“Because I want to sleep, duh.”

Good thing my hands were cold, they could cool my brain who was overheating from anger when I facepalmed.

“Shut up.”

He did shut up. We could move faster. Marco’s eyes were slowly closing, and he lost some of his bottle on the way. I said to myself it was going to be worth it. Marco would be indebted to me, and I could take advantage of it. On the moment, I had no idea of how he could pay his debt to me, but it was good to know if I ever needed it one day or another.

I was euphoric when we finally reached his home. This torment was about to end. Or that’s what I thought.

“Do you have your keys?” I shook him like maracas to wake him up.

“Yes. Pants. Pocket on the left.”

It didn’t take me more than a minute to understand he wanted me to take them from his pants.

“Get them yourself.”

“Ugh…”

To help him, I took all the snacks and his jacket in my arms. Five minutes after, we were in. Of course, he forgot to close behind us. Fortunately, I was here.

“Put on some clean clothes. Then go to sleep.” I ordered. What would he do without me?

“Sir. Yes, Sir.” He attempted to do a military salute, but he only looked like a dude who was putting his elbow up in the air.

While he was climbing up the stairs (on all fours), I opened the first door on my left. It led to a lovely living room, with only a couch, a TV, a coffee table and a window. Small and welcoming.

My first idea was to store everything in the kitchen. But I was so tired because of _someone_ , and I wasn’t in the mood to explore the house. I just left them on the table. Whatever, it wasn’t my problem.

Before I left, I checked up on Marco. He probably had fell onto his bed with his wet clothes, and my jacket which I needed to take back.

“Where did you put my- “

He didn’t take it off. Hell, he didn’t take anything off. This bastard just laid on his bed, already asleep.

“Fucking asshole…” I mumbled to myself. “Dude, wake up!”

“5 more minutes, mom…”

“Hey! I ain’t your mom!”

“Oh, shit…” his eyes fluttered before he opened them a bit. “Jean?”

“My jacket.”

“Yeah, give me a sec…” He sat up on the bed and took off my jacket. When I got it back, it was wet. _Fuck him._

“I’m leaving now. Good luck with your hangover.”

“Hum…” He whispered some words as he got under his blanket. I should’ve put a bucket or something next to him in case he wanted to throw up. But no, I was too obsessed with the idea of finally getting rid of him.

“Goodnight.”

“Wait, Jean!”

“What?”

“Come.”

“huh?”

“Come to bed with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I know this is a little bit late, sorry about that ^^'

Before continuing this episode of “Everything goes wrong” starring dumbass Jean Kirstein, let me reenact you what was going on inside my head after that question.

Jfebvnlhwc:m<vjezbiOMJHVNMRZIehnvmouzeABHOUMENv>MZ<nvhIOMSHN<obimndsomuvgbiedMVOSD<MHBGMOIGBMOFWRGoezîgomreihnôjhqihvnousphvO¨HVOIHV%DNIUZNER4928HJL.

I could go on, but you get it. My mind was basically a keyboard smash. Marco had asked me weird questions previously, but this one was definitely the weirdest. It was too personal, a question for your partner, not your ‘friend’.

I knew he was drunk; he’d never act like this. That was too out of character. I had to make sure he was serious, and not fooling me. I mean, drunk people are joking a lot, right?

“What do you mean?”

“If you want to sleep, you can come to bed with me.”

Now is the time to remind you I didn’t get to sleep the night before. Like not at all. I barely closed my eyes. I didn’t think the restless bitch I was would have been able to walk home. Moreover, it was cold as fuck outside.

So, yes. I accepted. Look, I had no other choice. Did you want me to go home alone? Hell, no. Better stay safe. Better stay at Marco’s. Everyone with common sense would do this.

I walked to his bed, carefully avoiding the books on the ground. Marco’s glowing eyes were following me in the dark. He looked like a cat.

At first, I just sat down on the bed, processing what I was about to do. I had never slept with anyone in my life. Maybe Marco did, and I was going to freaked out while he was going to be cool. I should’ve got drunk at the party.

“What are you waiting for, Jean?”

_Geez Marco, it’s already hard as it is, don’t make it worse._

I kicked off my shoes, they landed next to the bed. I stared at them for a while, saving me some time. I also get my phone out, which thankfully had some power left. It was 2 in the morning. I put it on the nightstand.

I hesitated before laying completely. My heart was racing, and I felt a little dizzy. Everything inside of me screamed ‘You’re going to regret it!’. What was I going to regret? Sleeping here? Leaving? Be more precise stupid body.

“Jean?” Oddly, Marco seemed a lot more awake. This bastard. I couldn’t tell if he was faking, and which part was fake. I hated this so much. I wanted to understand him, what he wanted from me, how he think, how he act, why he does what he does.

“Yes?”

“Are you uncomfortable?”

Well, how did you want me to react? To just be happy to sleep with a guy? To be like ‘Hell yeah, let’s sleep together and let our feet touch, without forgetting you’re still dripping, and we’ll sleep in wet sheets’.

“Kinda.” I answered.

“Don’t be.” Wow Marco best advice ever, thank you. It helped me a lot. “You have nothing to worry about. I’m not gonna bite you.”

“I know.”

And still, I was afraid to put my head on these pillows. They look soft though. Like clouds. No doubt I’ll fall asleep with them. Honestly, his bed seemed very, very comfy and warm. This wasn’t helping me.

“Think of it as a sleepover, Jean.”

“I’ve never been to one.”

“Then, it’ll be an honor for me to spend your first one with you.”

“Pfft.”

He laughed at his own joke. But it lightened my mood a little, enough to make me lay down entirely. I was right about the pillows. Soft as clouds. By the way, I know clouds aren’t really soft or tangible, just let me dream, okay?

“See? Was that hard Jean?”

I turned my body to face him, pressing the side of my head against the fabric. He was smiling, half of his face buried in the pillows. A stain of red colored his cheeks. I assumed it was the alcohol. I felt guilty about it, I let him by himself while I should’ve stop him from drinking too much. Another proof to show how bad I am at friendship.

Marco grabbed the blanket and put it on me too. It was thicker than mine, but also warmer. Like a cocoon. Somehow, I felt better in Marco’s bed than in mine. Wow, that’s weird.

“Is that better?” he murmured.

“Yes. Thank you.”

He nuzzled his face further in the pillows. I guess he was genuinely happy. Anyone never enjoyed that much spending time with me. Or sleeping with me. I hoped I wasn’t going to snore.

“Oh! But you do!” he suddenly exclaimed.

“Do what?”

“You do look like a horse!”

I kicked him as hard as I could, but it only made him laugh more. The bed squeaked under our movements.

“You’re such an idiot.”

“It was just a joke Jean!”

“Not funny.”

“Awwww. Crybaby.”

“Oh, shut up. I’m going to sleep.”

“Not yet Jean! The night is only starting!”

“It’s 2, almost 3!”

“But Jeaaaan…”

“Go to sleep, Marco.” So I can say goodbye to this annoying Marco.

I closed my eyes, but I could still feel him staring at me. I tried my best to ignore him, unsuccessfully.

“What?”

“You have… your… I…you have… brown eyes.” Actually they’re hazel, but I had no point to argue with him in his state.

“Yeah no shit Sherlock.”

“I like them.”

“Uhm, thanks, I guess?”

He kept on staring at me, with a small smile on his face. I hate to admit it, I hate it so much, but he was cute. In a platonic way. Like, according to everyone’s standards, he’s cute. I don’t make the rules.

We looked at each other until his eyes were closing themselves. He gradually lose his grin, to a more rested expression. More serious.

“Your hair… is weird.” He whispered. “Why does it have two colors?”

“Undercut. And stop commenting on my look.”

“But I like it…”

“Tch, you’re drunk.”

“I can still have opinions.”

“Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know,” he faintly chuckled. Then he slowly raised a hand. I watched it make its way to my face. He gently touched my hair, took a strand of it, and made it roll between his fingers.

“It’s so soft.”

I didn’t answer. The only thing I had on my mind was his hand on my head. I closed my eyes. His touch was almost imperceptible. It was like a feather floating with my hair.

And I suddenly felt his hand letting go of my hair and brushing my face. Okay I may have enjoyed it a little. But only because… It’s not… Y’know…Ugh…wasn’t…like… Well, it wasn’t anyone. It was Marco.

His hand stayed on my face for a long time. Too long. I didn’t know what I expected when I opened my eyes. This stupid sunshine boy was sleeping.

“Geez, you’re hopeless.”

I removed his hand from my face to put it on the blanket. He groaned and for a second I thought he wasn’t really asleep. He was but I could never know.

Sometimes, Marco shifted, and I had moments of stress, if he got closer to me, or further away. I was always praying for the second option. I moved to the edge of the bed.

In the end, this night didn’t look different of the other, for me. I stared at the ceiling for some hours, wondering where I messed up to end up there. If someone had told me a year ago where I would be, I certainly would’ve laugh at them.

But Marco asked me, and I agreed. If it was anyone else, I would’ve refused. Meaning I was getting attached to Marco. Like I cared of him and he was someone important for me? 

_Oh no. No, no, no. I need to get out of here._ I removed the blanket and left the bed. My legs were shaking, barely carrying my weight. I moved some books and sat down. I leaned my back against the bed and brought my knees to my chest. The Angst PositionTM.

That couldn’t be. I couldn’t get attached to someone. I thought I took all precautions to avoid that. I thought I built walls high enough to keep everyone away from me. Didn’t thought Marco would be such a breaking ball.

The question that came with every relationship popped in my head. ‘How will I suffer?’ Because no matter the relations I had, it always hurt me in some way. Not the relationship itself, but the people. “You’re too stupid to understand.” “Stop doing that, you’re making me ashamed of you.” “Why did you do this? It’s completely stupid!.” “You’re disgusting.” “What’s wrong with you?” “We can’t be friends, you’re too ugly.” “Freak”. Whatever, I don’t need them.

And this friendship, or whatever I had with Marco, was going to hurt me too. It was inevitable. Maybe he’ll do it on purpose. Maybe it’ll be unwanted. In any case, I’d have to take it all on me and just continue without him. It would be easier if we hadn’t gotten this close in the first place. 

My heat had been broken for as long as I remember. I was hurt too many times. And I didn’t want to be anymore, I was sick of it. Guess that’s why I hate social interaction, forming relationships, or trust. At least I knew who was responsible for my suffering. People.

I wanted to make it all stop. I wanted to stop suffering. Life shouldn’t have to be this painful. Life should be a pleasure, so you can continue to have a wish to live. Mine was slowly disappearing.

No, I didn’t crave death. But if I were to die, I wouldn’t be so unhappy about it. Like, okay, I’m done with my life, next. By the way, my will is already written and hidden in a drawer. It just says: “Fuck you”. Y’know, to put the fun in funeral.

Anyway, I was clueless on the ‘Marco’ matter. Should I stop this thing that was going on between us or should I tempt destiny? Best case scenario: we slowly drift away each other; he lives his life and dies after me.

While I was fantasizing on my death, Marco was peacefully sleeping next to me. Ah, the blissful ignorance of a drunk man. How I wish to trust people the same way he did. My existence wouldn’t be so complicated if I did.

I started to get annoyed by my thoughts (and I felt the panic attack coming), so I took my phone. It is wonderful how a simple device can take your mind elsewhere in seconds. I looked at cat videos and fandoms stuff for the rest of the night. It was… entertaining.

The sun eventually rose up, filling the room with orange sunlight. It hurt my eyes, used to the only light of my screen. I only realized I was cold when the sun rays touched and warmed my face at the expense of my body.

I don’t like the sun. Wow so surprising. Fuck the sun. It’s too blinding, annoying, too hot. I don’t like how the sunlight feel on my skin. That’s part of the reason why I do my best to cover up my body. Also fuck sunburns. I had one a long ago, thanks to a garden party in the middle of summer. Had my arms all swollen, red and itchy. Maybe I’m allergic.

And on that day, in Marco’s room, the sun wasn’t bothering me. Actually, I think I even slept for a bit, since the sun suddenly wasn’t on me anymore. I rubbed my eyes. Then, behind me, the blanket shuffled.

“It didn’t work?”

“What?”

I turned over, to see Marco awake. He wasn’t smiling, but he had regained his senses. I crossed my arms on the mattress and leaned my chin on them.

“I thought…” he stretched his arms. “Maybe if you stayed here for the night, you could have actually got some sleep. But apparently, you didn’t. Sorry.”

“Don’t. It’s not your fault.”

“I still feel bad for you. Are you gonna be okay?”

“As long as I’ve got some coffee, yes.” He found his smile back.

I observed him and his freckles. In some books/works I’ve read, people usually find and draw constellations on them with a pen. I knew nothing about astronomy, if I had tried to do it, it would have looked like a kid playing connect the dots.

His eyes weren’t fully opened yet, but I could see brown glints in them.. And I had the impression he was going to fall back asleep soon. He didn’t.

“Are you feeling good?”

“My head is hurting.”

“You shouldn’t have drink that much.”

“Yes mom, I know.”

“Don’t mom me, you mom.”

He laughed lightly. This morning had something magical. Don’t know why.

“Okay!” he clapped his hands, probably to give us some motivation. “Let’s go get breakfast.”

“Maybe you can change clothes first.”

“Right. You can wait for me outside if you want.”

“Hum.” I got out of the room and leaned against the wall. Gladly, he didn’t undress in front of me or anything.

I checked the time on my phone (11am) when Marco opened the door. He was now wearing a batman shirt and sweatpants. We went down the stairs together. He showed me where the kitchen was. An old, but nice kitchen. There was a note from his grandma, saying she went out with some friends that morning. Next to it was a pill, maybe something like a painkiller, to ease the headache. Damn grandmas, always so thoughtful.

“Do you want to eat something?”

“No, a single coffee is fine.”

We sat at the table, waiting for the water to boil. Marco’s hair was a mess, strands of it going on every direction. It was nice to see him in another hairstyle than his usual one.

“Do you remember yesterday?”

“Hey! I wasn’t _that_ drunk!”

“You and Reiner were flirting.”

“Yeah, I recall…” From his reaction, I deduced it wasn’t something to talk about.

“And you stole food and drinks.”

“I need to apologize to Berth about that…”

“I think it’s fine, as long as they don’t mention it.”

“No. I’ll call him later. Now, I just need to get rid of that headache.” He grimaced as he took the pill his gran left in his hand. I thought he was going to swallow it like that, but he poured himself a glass of water.

“Are you really afraid of water?” he asked when he drank his glass with the pill.

“Hell no! You made that up yourself.”

“Why didn’t you join then?”

“I… I can’t swim.”

Never bothered to learn. As a kid, I thought it was useless. There was no sea or river nearby, so no need to know how to swim. And I hated to go to the swimming pool. Well I hated more the common locker room. Made me sick.

“Well, you were right not to go in, Jean. I ruined my pants.”

No comments about me. Usually, when people learn that about me, I was good for questions and remarks. But once more, Marco proved he was not like other people.

“Hope your night was better than mine.”

“It was less busy, that’s for sure. I just sat on a couch with Berthold and Annie.”

“Was it nice?”

“Yes, it was.”

Marco smiled at me (and I smiled back, of course), then he got up to make the coffee. The mug he handed me was decorated with a Star Wars pic.

“You’re a big nerd, you know that?”

“Thank you!”

And he happily sipped his coffee from a cat-themed mug. Too much nerdiness in one man.

“Do you want to stay for lunch? I’m sure gran wouldn’t mind…”

“Oh, uh, sorry,” I muttered. “I should go home…”

“Jean. You can stay here if you want to. It’s not a problem. Plus, I can ask gran to cook us anything you want!”

Marco was the only one I ever told about how much I despised my family. He didn’t judge me, instead he tried to help me. Like offering me to stay with him, so I don’t have to go home. He was truly an angel.

“Okay for lunch then…” 

“Yeeees!” he squeaked and jump around the kitchen. “So, what do you want to eat?”

“You choose. You know what your grandma best dishes are.”

“Hum… It’s really hard. But you should really taste her minestrone.”

“Her what?”

“Mi-nes-tro-ne. It’s Italian. Like a soup, but with pasta. And cheese.”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay! I’m gonna call her. You should maybe call your parents too.”

“Hell no.”

“Just a text?” I gave in. This asshole got me with his puppy eyes. He has power and knows how to use it. So I told my mother I was staying at a friend’s house. I doubted she would even care. Marco left to call his gran. I could only hear whispers, but the call was short.

“She says she’ll arrive in forty minutes and you’re welcome to stay anytime.”

“Remind me to thank her.”

“Yeah, sure.”

We finished our coffee in silence. Not a bad silence, a good one. Like when you don’t have to say anything, you just enjoy the moment. And the coffee. Pretty good coffee.

Marco put our mugs in the dishwasher when we were both done, and then we headed to the living room. I started to feel better in his house, knowing it a little more.

“Wow, I stole a lot of things.” Said Marco in front of the pile of chips and soda.

“Pfft, ‘stole’. You just grabbed a few snacks.”

“What am I even going to do with all that?”

“I don’t know, eat and drink it?” I sat down on the floor, next to the table. “You said this one is for Sasha.”

“Yeah, I remember.” He sat by my side. “That’s one less.”

“You should give one to Connie too. Otherwise he’ll be jealous.”

“Good thinking. Maybe this one? Ham and cheese flavor is a little weird, he’ll like it.”

“He’ll love it.”

“You can take some too, Jean. There’s way too much just for myself. Gosh, I’ve been an idiot.”

“I’ll take these if it can help you.” I gathered random stuff. I didn’t care what it was, I just took them to help him.

“Thank you! Wait, I’ll give you a bag.” He went into the kitchen and came back with a pink plastic bag. We were stuffing it with all the junk I choose when I remembered something important.

“Marco, can I ask you something?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t have asthma, do you?”

“I can’t lie to you, right?” he chuckled. “No I don’t have asthma.” Me on the inside: Ha, I knew it!

“Why did you lie then?” I tried to sound concern when I was really happy to figure out the truth.

“Sorry, but I don’t want to talk about it. It has nothing to do with you, I promise!”

It needed further investigation. And an upgrade on my Marco journal. I bet you thought I’d forgotten about it.

“It’s okay. But at least tell me where you got your fake doctor’s note. I’d kill to avoid going to PE.”

“From my mom actually. She’s a doctor in Jinae.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Yeah, nice…”

Mood killer Jean strikes again! No seriously, I should really stop doing this. Every time things go a little too well, I have to ruin it all.

 _Quick, Jean, think of something._ I looked around and noticed a strange furniture.

“Is that a piano?”

“That? Yes. It’s not used very often thought.”

“Do you play?”

“I’m not very good at it.”

I wanted to listen to him playing piano. But, I had to keep my desires to myself, to not pressure on Marco. I wouldn’t want this to happen to me.

“My dad forced me to get piano lessons when I was six.”

“But did you like it?”

“Only when I could play what I wanted when I desired it. Do you feel the same?”

“The same?”

“With your drawings.”

“Yes, you could say that.”

“But I have less and less time to practice.”

“Dude, same.”

“I feel like I’m losing time.”

“When?”

“When I play piano. It’s not going to be useful to me. I could have spent that energy on something that’ll help me later.”

“I understand. But who knows, maybe piano will be useful one day.”

“I’d like to know how,” he snickered.

“I don’t know. To make a girl fall for you?”

“I highly doubt it." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because he's gay Jean, take the fucking hint
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, I have Tumblr, if anyone's interested:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/keithmelance


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Before starting this chapter, please read this note. It's very important.  
> This chapter contains mentions of suicide. Please do not read if it may trigger you, and I mean it. My goal with this story isn't to make you sad.  
> Take care of you.

Marco was right. His grandma’s cooking was to die for. Way better than what my mom got me used to. I think I ate half of her soup myself.

I had a good time with them. Marco’s grandma, who kept telling me to call her Irene like I was going to, was really funny. She had no husband to worry about, only friends which she seemed to have a lot of fun with. An unusual way of living for a person of her age. I like that in her, and I think Marco do too.

When I had to go home, I almost felt sad to leave this closest thing to a family I’ve ever had. But I was also glad to be away from Marco, who was putting all this weird thoughts into my head. He had been too considerate. And I couldn’t just… just do like nothing happen that night. It was impossible for me to forget his kindness, his smile, his freckles, his light and gentle touch… And fuck I’m doing it again.

_Why has he invaded my mind?_

The last time I had been so obsessed with something was… when I fell in love with Mikasa. Although I doubt now that it was love. Now that I’ve matured, when I looked back at what I thought was pure love, it appeared more like admiration. Or envy. Did I envy Marco then? I mean, yeah of course, he had things I wanted. But him, all him? Like I wanted to be him? Ugh, maybe not.

It was so stupid. I just had to think about something, or someone else. And I couldn’t. I hope he had the same problem that moron. Wait, no. From all the things he had to think about, I was the least important. Still, what was that night all about? That was so weird, I decided to never spend any night at Marco’s anymore.

I got home and straight went to bed, ignoring all I needed to write in my Marco journal. The walk had been the last thing I needed to make me fall asleep. I didn’t even realize how tired I was. As soon as I laid my head on the pillows, I was gone. That’s what you get if you don’t sleep for 48 hours. I only woke up at 1am, at that point I just said, ‘Fuck it’ and I got back to sleep ‘til 6. I wasn’t willing to go to school, but I already skipped a day that month. I didn’t want to become a delinquent. And who would I be if I just skipped class to sleep?

Now, I’ll go fast on that week, because literally nothing happened. Marco waited for me every day so we could go to school together. He acted like that night in his bed never occurred. Sasha and Connie hugged him when he gave them the bags of chips. They needed very little thing to be happy, I guess some people are like that. Sasha ate half of the bag straight away. Later, Ymir and Krista greeted us, and Marco introduced them to the dumbasses.

Basically, it was a normal school week. Full of tests, assignments, late shifts, and everything that makes this world a shitty one. It’s the next one who’s more interesting. It all started on Monday. Marco was walking with me, wearing a knitted scarf and a bigger coat. Winter was coming. As we arrived at school, I noticed a large amount of people in front of the building. People who weren’t supposed to be there. We got past them and found Connie and Sasha without their usual good mood.

“What’s going on?” asked Marco.

“You haven’t heard?”

“No.” Of course, we haven’t heard, we wouldn’t ask that question if we did.

“A girl killed herself Saturday night.”

“What?!”

Marco was in shock. Even after two months at this school, he was still the new kid, who knew nothing about it. I was hoping Sasha and Connie would explain everything to him.

But Marco’s mood didn’t change for the rest of the day. He stayed sad in English, math, and even biology. I got concerned but only because if he didn’t pay attention in class and I didn’t either, we were both fucked.

“Why are you all sad and shit? You knew her or something.”

“Actually, yes.”

Fuck me.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It was that girl I gave cookies once at the library remember?”

“Yes, I recall.”

“She was really nice. We talked a few times at the library. I had no idea…Why is no one talking about it?”

“It’s like that.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

He was right. Things shouldn’t be that way. But they are. Even if we wanted to change something, we couldn’t. People died, other lived. Life’s like that. And we were no one to tell them when to live or when to die.

“It’s not like we can do something.”

“We could, Jean! We could, no we have to mourn her! She was a friend, a classmate and more. Her death isn’t insignificant.”

“What do you want to do then?”

“It’s not just me! The school should do something!”

“Well, it’s not the first time. We’re used to it by now.”

“So just let the dead be dead right? If there’s too many it just doesn’t matter anymore, is that what you think?”

“I’ll find an idea.” He was starting to get angry, and we would have been scolded by the teacher if I didn’t do anything.

I let the class slip away from my head. All my focus was on how we can mourn the girl. A religious ceremony wasn’t an option. Making the whole school skip a period and just sit out of the school could be a great idea. It would piss off the school staff and let the students have a break to chat with each other. But convincing all students to do that was nearly impossible.

I kept my idea of pissing off the school in mind. It’s something I’d wanted to do for a long time. And now I had an opportunity to make something. To be remembered. To leave a mark. A mark…

“Marco. I think I know what we can do.”

“What?”

“I’ll explain later. We’ll need to be more than two.”

His face brightened as he regained his smile. I grinned too. I was really proud of what I’ve come up with. It was sick. It was dangerous. This plan could fail in many ways. But I was determined to do it. And Marco, without knowing what it was about, did too.

At lunch, we met with Connie and Sasha. They were part of the plan in my head too. Our little band sat down. I told them to eat fast, since I’ll need a lot of time to explain everything. They were as excited as Marco. But their motives were just to fuck over the school, less pure than Marco-lets-avenge-the-dead-Bodt.

“Are we gonna blow up the school?”

“Sasha, no.”

While we were eating, Marco spotted Krista walking in the middle of the cafeteria. And if Krista was there, that meant Ymir was around too. She never left her. _Never_. Marco run to her, and I guess he invited them to our table. And indirectly, he invited them to take part in my plan. They could be useful. Especially Krista. She’s the mayor’s daughter, sha can have access to things helpful for us.

They sat with us, and lunch became more hectic. Marco explained to them the situation and how I found a plan for us to get revenge on that school. Without a surprise, Ymir was interested. Krista didn’t share the same enthusiasm, but if Ymir did, she would listen. And I knew Ymir couldn’t turn down my idea.

“Now, Jean, we’re listening to you.”

“Okay.” I coughed. “My plan is to paint all the names of those who killed themselves in this school on the walls outside.”

“Illegal, I like that.” Said Ymir as she winked and leaned on the table.

“It’s completely illegal. If some of you don’t want to take part in it, I’ll understand.”

“You’re crazy? I’m so in!”

“Yeah me too!”

“Hell yeah!”

“If Ymir’s in, then I am.”

“I’ll follow you too, Jean.”

“Great. The first thing we need is organization.” I took a note book out of my bad. “We can’t be caught. So everyone need to know what they’re doing. The second thing is the props. We’ll need ladders, cans of paint, masks, and a complete list of all the names.” I wrote everything down.

“Yes sir!”

“Don’t interrupt me Ymir. I think the best time to do this is at night. We’ll just need to cut the power off the streets around the school. And to prevent any car from going there. That’s why we’ll make three groups: one who’s going to paint, another who’s cutting off the power, the last who’s stopping the cars. For now, I don’t think we’ll be enough. Anyone has friends who could be up to screw the school?”

“I think I do,” said Sasha. “But you’re not gonna like it.”

Next thing you know, Eren, Armin and Mikasa were sitting at our table. Marco had grabbed my arm, to make me calm down I suppose. But it wasn’t necessary. I had calmed down. I wasn’t doing all of this for Eren. Sasha had briefed them when she brought them. They were surprisingly down for it. Eren more than any of us. But Eren is Eren, and he wasn’t really happy when he saw who was in command.

“Why is Jean leading this?”

“Because it’s my idea, asshole.”

“Both of you should calm down.” Interrupted Armin. “May I remind you it’s something bigger than your little quarrels. So behave. Jean we’re listening to you.”

“I made the teams according to what I know about you. First team, who’ll be in charge of the electricity, Ymir, and Krista. Second team, the cars stoppers, Connie, Sasha and Eren. I count on your creativity. Marco, Armin, Mikasa and I will be the third team, we’ll take care of the painting. Any objections?”

“Yes!” shouted Eren. “Why am I with- “

“Any _other_ objection?”

Everyone shocked their head. Perfect. I looked at the time. There was only five minutes left to talk about the props.

“Now, who can bring some ladders?”

“My grandpa’s one,” said Armin. “But how are we going to bring them here?”

“I can have a truck.” Declared Ymir. “And yeah, I can drive.”

“That’ll be perfect.”

“You guys would be so lost without me.”

“Anyone else?”

“We might have one too.” Mikasa looked at Eren who confirmed with a nod. “But it might be rusted.”

“Like we’re gonna be picky. Two ladders seems good to me. Marco and I will take care of the paint and the masks.” Marco looked at me as if to say, _‘we are?’_. So I looked at him as if to say _’yes, we are.’_ “Now everyone, write your phone number in this notebook.”

“I’ll die before I do that.”

“Then perish.”

This comeback was worth a hit in the ribs by Marco. The bell rang and I got back my notebook full of new phone number. It was going to be the hell of an organization for me to have. Marco and I went on our way to the physics class.

“I’m afraid of doing it.” He said without warning.

“Why?”

“It might get us into trouble.”

“That’s the point. You don’t have to do it. But y’know, it was kinda for you in the first place.”

“Not for me. For Mina.” _Oh, so that was her name._

“Fuck! I forgot about the names!” I suddenly reckoned. “Do you think we can find them online?”

“Maybe. But now’s not the time. Now’s the time to learn!”

“Ugh. Learning.”

“Yay! Learning!”

Let me tell you something. Physics sucks. (Author speaking: he’s right.) Marco wouldn’t phrase it that way, but he thought no less. And since neither of us was planning to become an engineer, the only job ever where you’ll need physics, we devoted this period to plan better our future artwork.

“Will it be okay for you to sneak out in the middle of the night?” he murmured when the teacher wasn’t looking.

“I think I can manage. What about you?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time. I’ll be fine.”

“I hope the other will be too. I feel bad to involve them.”

“They choose to come. But I think we should be prepared in case they dump us.”

“You don’t trust them?”

“I’d rather be prepared.”

He didn’t question me more. Since I wasn’t working that evening, we decided to go to the hardware store together, to get the paint. We would get home late, but Marco texted his gran to say he was staying over to work on a french assignment, and my mom wouldn’t even notice I was home late.

To me, the afternoon felt so long, even if I had something to look upon to. It gave me time to think. My plan may have been great, nothing guaranteed it would have an effect on the school, the town, the students, anyone. But it’ll show that we remembered, unlike some people.

After the last period of the day ended, Marco and I rushed out of there. The hardware store was downtown, a quick twenty minute walk. I was glad I took my wallet this morning. It’s not always the case.

“Which color should we take?” I asked Marco as I scrolled on the store’s website with my phone. There was a lot of choice in terms of wall paint.

“Maybe red? Or something that’ll contrast with the school walls.”

“They have light in the dark paint. Geez, that shit is expensive as fuck.”

“We could like only do the outline with the glowing paint?”

“Yeah. Then we could take a light blue for the inside?”

“That would be great.”

The project got more and more concrete as we talked about the paint we’ll use. Another question was how much we were gonna need.

“One bucket each?”

“You think it’ll be enough?”

“Maybe we should have some spare ones.” I was afraid we couldn’t paint all the names. Or if one of us spilled a bucket. Anything could happen and I’d feel reassured if we had more than what we need.

“Four fluorescent, four blue, maybe two or three more?”

“Yeah. And the brushes.”

We arrived half an hour before the store closed. There wasn’t many people at that hour. A good thing, we had less chance to be recognized if they make the connection between us and the graffiti that’ll mysteriously appear in short time. That made me think that if we paid with our credit card, they could trace us back.

“Let’s go to the ATM before.” I suggested.

“Okay.”

Fortunately, there was one not that far away from the store. Marco and I both withdrew fifty. It hurt to see this much money going into paint. But it was for a good reason. I hope it’d worked, and people would see that what was going on in this school wasn’t normal. 

At first, we got a bit lost in the store. None of us had set a foot there before. But we managed to find the paint section. We had agreed on buying walls paint, so it would be less easy to remove. Unless they paint over it. For the light in the dark paint, we could only find it in spray paint. We weren’t gonna use it that much, so we took four of them. For the tools, we hesitated between a roll thingy or just plain big brushes. Marco thought paint roller wouldn’t be practical, so we took the giant brushes. Of course they seemed gigantic to me, I’m used to the small brushes I use to paint on canvas.

“Do you think we should fake a conversation at the register?” murmured Marco into my ear when we were almost there.

“It’s worth the try.”

We arrived and put the six buckets and the cans in front of the cashier. He looked tired, like he just wanted to end his shift and scanned them with very little energy.

“My bedroom’s gonna look so great!” exclaimed Marco. Damn he was bad at faking it. “I could never thank you enough for that.”

“It’s normal. You would’ve done the same.”

The dude didn’t take a look at us. I didn’t know about Marco, but I was stressing. He was going to remember us. I mean, two teenager buying this much paint, it’s suspicious right? We should have just look into our house to see if they were some paint left. Maybe not in mine.

I paid with our cash. The cashier said nothing except ‘good evening’. Each of us took three buckets and two cans. It was heavy as fuck, but Marco lifted them like it was feathers. Made me think I should really start to take care of my body.

Then in the middle of the street, reality hit me hard.

“Where are we going to put all these?”

Marco looked at me, at the paint, at me, at the paint. And he just busted out a laugh. So, he had no idea either. We were a bunch of idiots.

“I’m calling Sasha.” He was still laughing when he took his cat-phone and called her. She answered shortly after and he put her on speaker. “Yeah Sash? We kinda have a problem?”

_“What is it? It better be important, I’m in the middle of a really interesting episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race.”_

“Jean and I bought the paint, but we don’t know where to store it.”

A silence, then she laughed too. _“Oh my god, and you didn’t think about it_ before _?”_

“No. Can you help us?”

“Yeah and quickly.” I added.

_“Let me just pause this thing…Okay where are you guys?”_

“In front of the pharmacy.”

_“You’re lucky I’m not far away. Or I’d have sent you to Connie.”_

“Fucking nice…” I rumbled.

“Thank you!”

 _“Seriously, you’re both such idiots. See you in five.”_ She hanged up.

Marco was giggling again when he put his phone back into his pocket. Was I the only one who didn’t find this situation funny? Apparently, yes.

We waited seven minutes like that, surrounded by too many buckets of paint for us. Sasha arrived panting, like she had run … a few meters actually. She had no stamina; PE was there to remind her.

“Sorry guys. Made it as fast as I could!”

“Thank you so much!”

“You guys bought all this?”

“Yes, and it cost us an arm and a leg.”

“And you want to store this in my house I suppose?”

“Yeah…” Both of mine’s and Marco’s were too far away. We couldn’t walk there with these bad boys.

“Okay… I think we can put it in the garage. Dad’s not home and mom never goes there. She says there’re too much rats.” Marco and I glanced at each other, sharing the thought that it was maybe not a good idea. But it wasn’t like we had another option available.

We must have looked smart while we were carrying it all to Sasha’s house. Her balance was shit, she kept stumbling even with only one bucket and the brushes. Maybe she should get back in shape too.

After we stored everything into her garage or whatever it was supposed to be, we left. That was probably very rude, but Marco had to get home soon. That angel didn’t want to make his gran worried. So nice. Sometimes I wonder how we have ended up friends, seeing how different we are from each other.

And sometimes I wonder why he liked me so much. And why I liked him so much.

As a friend of course.

As a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Take care of you <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late.  
> Sorry. 
> 
> Enjoy ;)

Everyone agreed to do this on Thursday night. If you ask me, that’s the shittiest day to choose. Like, we had class next day. But no, lady Ymir had already something planned on Friday. She was lucky to be essential to the plan, either her absence wouldn’t have stopped me from executing it.

Marco called me the night before. He was too excited to sleep. However, I was less happy about writing the names of dead people. Forty six to be exact. Yeah, we did research every name. Someone on the school blog kept it updated. So thank you, whoever you might be.

_“I think I’m not gonna sleep at all!”_

Me neither if he kept talking to me. But I heard something else than happiness in his voice and it bothered me. Was he scared or afraid? It bothered me enough so I stayed on the phone a bit with him.

“I’m really tired, Marco. Just say what you have to say. And be quick.”

_“It’s just that… I’ve never done something like that before. And I don’t know, if everything goes wrong- “_

“It won’t. It won’t go wrong.”

_“How can you be so sure? We could get arrested for vandalism or worse…”_

“Just don’t think about it. You wanted to do something for Mina? Here’s your chance. We won’t fail.”

_“I hope so.”_

“Can I sleep now?”

_“Yeah, sorry. I’m worrying for nothing… it’s stupid.”_

“Not really. I just try not to worry, but it’s hard. Think about something else. Read a book, watch a show, listen to music, I don’t know. Take your mind somewhere else. “

_“Yeah, I’ll try. Thank you, Jean.”_

“T’s nothing. See you tomorrow.”

_“Good night, Jean.”_

“Good night Marco.” I hanged up.

I tried to not think about it too much. I needed to be well-rested for the next day. It seemed like I was the only one who knew what he was doing. Theses morons wouldn’t do anything correctly without me. And it was my idea, I couldn’t just give up. I didn’t repeat the plan in my head. Maybe I should’ve, but I would probably have found flaws in it, and I would want to fix them, and at that point, I didn’t think I could make any changes. Everything was perfectly settled for the next night.

I slept five hours that night, more than what I could’ve hoped for. Still, I woke up tired, what a surprise. I had received no text but a few ones from Marco, so everyone must have been ready, no problem in sight. I got dressed thinking everything will be okay. No reason to panic.

As every day, Marco was waiting for me to go to school. He didn’t look tired or like he didn’t sleep, so I assumed he was fine. Well, he had to be, he wouldn’t get any sleep for the next 36 hours or so. I was glad I thought about buying more coffee. We would need a lot of it. Like, a _lot_.

“Do you think we’ll be in the news?”

“Please no,” I grunted. “But I do hope our artwork will be everywhere in the news.”

“Me too.” He evasively answered.

Sasha welcomed us at school with a high pitched scream. Ugh, maybe she was excited too, who knows, it’s not like she displayed every single emotion she felt.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this!”

“Shhhh Sash, don’t do that much noise. We don’t want people to know.”

“Yeah!” she whispered. “We’re going to fuck the school!”

Then she high fived Connie. If these two weren’t less obvious, we were going to be the ones to get fucked. At least the other were better at keeping it a secret. Well they had to, or I would have kicked their asses.

We all met at lunch one more time, to make sure everyone was on the same page. It was risky, and not just for me. I knew Armin, like Marco, wanted to go to Trost University next year, and if they got caught, they could say goodbye to their dreams. That wasn’t going to happen if I was careful enough. Krista didn’t care about her reputation as the mayor’s daughter. She told me she would rather be disowned than be the perfect little girl he wanted her to be.

I didn’t go to work that evening, to save up energy for the night. Marco didn’t work out either. I had to be ready at midnight, so I did some homework to keep me awake until then. I know, it would bore to sleep some people, but not me. Thinking and making my brain functionate prevent me from falling asleep. I guess that’s why I can’t sleep most of the night because I overthink too much.

I dressed in all black, like a burglar. I even put on a beanie (so old I had to brush out the dust from it). And after I got sure my phone was at 100%, I left home through the back door. It wasn’t in one of my habits, but it sure was a lot more discreet. I didn’t want to get caught, especially that night. This time, it was really dangerous. I mean, we could end up at the police station. And I was sure Eren wouldn’t hesitate to snitch.

Ymir was supposed to come and get me first with her pickup truck. I said it like she didn’t do it, but actually, she did. The whole plan was relying on her and her stupid vehicle.

“Get in loser we’re going shopping!”

“haha, very funny.” I climbed to the passenger seat. The inside of her truck smelled like smoke and pizza. A mix that really suited Ymir.

I got my small notebook out of my pocket, to check on the list I wrote.

“Why don’t you just use your phone?”

“If I lose or break it, I won’t be able to do anything.” I said as I crossed my name, the first one on the list.

“It’s a waste of paper.”

I sighed. Next one we needed to get was Armin, who lived closer to my house than I thought. It made sense, since we were in the same class in middle school. Wait, he did talk about his grandfather, so maybe he wasn’t living in his parent’s house. From all the times I’ve talked to him, he never mentioned his parents.

Ymir was a shitty driver. It was either too fast or too slow. And the worse was when she braked. I almost got chocked by the seatbelt twice. Where the fuck did she get her license? From all the ways I thought I’d die; this wasn’t one of my favorite.

Armin was waiting for us outside when we got there. There was a metal ladder next to him. I got out of the truck to help him put it in the back.

“Next one is Sasha and the paint.”

“Let’s go!”

As expected, Sasha wasn’t there. I tried to stay calm because there was a plan, a plan you just had to follow, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t even that hard! I took my phone and called her while making sure I tapped on it furiously.

“Where are you?”

_“Sorry, I didn’t see the time, I was in the toilet.”_

“Get your ass here.”

_“Yes sir.”_

I guess I had to be glad she didn’t fell asleep on the toilet. She opened the garage for us, we took the paint and the brushes. After she got in, there was only one seat left in Ymir’s truck. And it was for Marco. Who was ready and smiling when we arrived. The plan could finally start.

Ymir dropped us and the tools in front of the school and went pick Mikasa, Connie and Eren up. Sasha walked to one end of the street, to stop anyone who would try to pass there. The street itself was pretty long, but we only needed to block out the two ways to enter. Sasha took care of one, and Eren the other. Connie would be there if one of them needed help.

But we couldn’t start until Krista cut the power off. She said she could do it without any problem and she’d send me a text when it’s done. Her father let her walk around his office in the town hall, so it wouldn’t be difficult for her.

We stood still for a while, not saying anything. It was kinda embarrassing. I hoped no one near there had the wonderful idea to look at their window at that time. Ten minutes later, Mikasa showed up with her own ladder. She was all bundled up in her red scarf, which was hiding half of her face. Ymir must have left to go see her girlfriend.

“Connie and Eren are ready.”

“Perfect.” I said. “We can start.”

At 1:24 am, I send an ‘OK’ to everyone. A few seconds after, all the streetlamps turned off. That was our chance. I didn’t know how long it was going to take until someone notice and fix it. I ripped off three pages of my notebook, where I wrote 11 names on each.

“Here’s the names you need to paint. Armin, Mikasa, you take the ladders and paint on the second floor’s walls. Marco and I will do the first floor. Don’t make it pretty, just readable.”

They nodded and immediately climbed the ladders with the paint and a brush. I was proud of my choice, because it’s not Armin or Mikasa or Marco who were going to make spelling errors. I trusted them more than the other on that point. The school building having only two floors was making things easier for us; we didn’t have to climb too high. And the walls were long enough to write an entire novel on them, so no biggies about that. They kinda looked like prison walls, with not much windows but thick enough to face an earthquake. 

Marco and I glanced at each other, before getting down to business. We didn’t have the whole night to do that. I kept my phone close to me; it was the only way I had to know if everything went fine with the other. I wished for it to stay in my pocket.

I gave myself more names to paint, since it was my idea and all, so I had to be even faster than them. Luckily, the paint wasn’t dripping, and stuck well to the wall. The glowing paint did its job well too. The result was really nice.

“It feels like we’re doing something like what the Titans do.” Said Marco. I stopped in the middle of an O to give him the ‘what the fuck’ face.

“We’re not killing anyone.”

“Yeah, but we’re not being completely nice either.”

“There’s a difference between wanting to remember the dead while showing the flaws of an institution who won’t care about the well-being of its student and just straight up murdering innocent for the sake of a so-called justice.” Pointed out Armin.

“How can he say things that smart so easily?” I murmured to Marco, who giggled in response.

At 2 am, we were almost done. Armin got tired of climbing the ladder again and again, so Marco took his place. Mikasa showed no sign of fatigue, she was concentrated. I wanted to be strong like her, I kept yawning. I slapped myself in order to prevent my eyes from closing. Armin stared at me ten second and said “Understandable”. Just after, Connie ran past us, to go with Sasha. He must have been tired of Eren, and really, who wouldn’t?

Marco insisted on painting Mina’s name himself. And that was the last one he added on the wall. Then the four of us backed off, to admire the outcome. All the names were glowing in the dark, the only light in the street. It was beautiful. And in the same time, it was sad.

“May they all rest in peace,” prayed Armin. Mikasa approved in silence with a nod.

“I really hope they’re going to do a suicide prevention campaign after that.” Marco said. That was kinda the point of all this. Honestly, I didn’t want it to happen again. All of us knew why she killed herself. She felt like she wasn’t enough. Enough for the world, enough for this school. Maybe she could’ve been helped. Maybe if someone had done something for her, for all the people that don’t think they’re worth something, then maybe she would’ve still been alive. And I hoped what we just did could finally make the school do something, and that no more names would be added on the list.

We gathered what was left of the paint. In the end we had enough, thanks to me. When I thought we were finished, I got a call from Sasha.

“What?”

_“Oh my god, you won’t believe what just happened!”_

“What happened?”

_“A car was coming, and Connie thought it would be a good idea to jump in front of it.”_

“Is he okay?”

_“Yes, but the dudes in there are taking him to the hospital! They think he has internal damages or something. But he’s fine! I’ve seen him laugh!”_

“What the…”

_“I know right? Maybe we should help him?”_

“Fuck, where are they?”

_“Huh, gone?”_

“Seriously Sasha?”

_“What did you want me to do?”_

“I don’t know, anything!”

_“Sorry, I panicked!”_

“Don’t move, we’re coming.”

_“Okay.”_

I sighed. Of all the things he could’ve done to stop the car, jumping in front of it is the worse idea. Yeah technically, he did what I told him to but now we had to go save his ass. I hoped the emergency services at the hospital were as slow as ever.

I threw my phone at Marco.

“Call Ymir. Tell her to come here fast.”

I ran over to where Sasha was, Marco and the other behind me. Armin comically struggled to pick up all the almost empty buckets of paint, the brushes and to run with it. She was sitting on the sidewalk, still laughing. It’s always better than crying, but she could’ve been a little more concerned about the situation.

“Where did they go?”

“Left.” She indicated. They were going to the nearest hospital, they had to know the town. “What do we do?” she asked.

“Marco’s calling Ymir. She’ll drove us where he is.”

“And then?”

“I don’t fucking know! Just let me think.”

Marco gave me back my phone. He nodded to me; Ymir was on her way. I breathed in and out slowly to stay calm. I wanted to let Connie get out of the mess he made by himself. But Sasha would annoy me until I gave up. Might as well skip that part.

“What’s going on?” screamed Ymir when she stopped her truck in front us.

“I’ll explain on the way to the hospital.”

“The hospital? What happened?”

“It’s not that bad.”

I got on the passenger seat, and Marco, Sasha and Mikasa took the others. Eren and Armin sat in the back of the truck. I gave her a quick explanation on the situation. She laughed and called me and Marco drama queens because we made her thought Connie was actually hurt.

Sasha was desperately trying to call him, but he didn’t answer. But to be honest, I was more worried about someone seeing and remembering us when tomorrow they’ll see the names than I was worried about Connie. I may have been a little paranoid.

Ymir parked near the hospital. And I still hadn’t any plans to get Connie out of the hospital. They all looked at me like I was going to do or say something. But then, Sasha got a call from him.

“Connie, where are you?” Silence. She hummed a few times as he was probably explaining stuff. “Okay, I’m coming.” She put down her phone. “He’s still there, and he told them he was calling his sister, aka me. But we need an adult.”

“I’m an adult.” Protested Ymir. “I’m eighteen.”

“An adultier adult.” specified Eren. “I think Mikasa should be the adult.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’d be great!” insisted Sasha. And she wasn’t wrong. Mikasa looked mature, a little bit older than she was.

“Hold on, I think I have something here that might help…Jean look into the compartment in front of you. There’s a gold kit or something, I never remember the name of that devilish thing…” I opened it, and the word mess wouldn’t be enough to describe what was in there. I found it. It looked like a makeup bag. Maybe because that’s what it was.

“Why do you have makeup here?”

“It’s Krista’s not mine. She left it here so she could redo it, because her makeup always smudge when we fuck.”

“That was too much details.” I gave the bag to Mikasa. She seemed to know how to use the stuff that was in it. But even with her face hidden behind lipstick, eyeliner, and more, she still looked young to me. Although Sasha went with it. They both left confidently.

“It’s never going to work.” Optimistically remarked Ymir.

“If they bought Connie’s bad lies, this will be easy.”

“I swear Kirstein if something happen to Mikasa, your horse-face will meet my fist.”

“Try me bitch.”

“Stop, it’s not the good time for that.” Cut off Marco. I held back a ‘ok mom’.

We waited fifteen minutes for them to come back. They took their time, and I don’t think I could have handled Eren tapping on the seat’s leather with his fingers for one more second. Connie was with them when they ran towards us. Of fucking course they had to leave while running, in the most unsuspiciously way.

“Start the car!” screamed Sasha as she got in the truck.

Ymir dashed on the road, not caring about out safety. Sasha and Connie told us how it went, but they were both out of breath and far too excited to tell it in a comprehensible way. The only things I could understand were ‘car’, ‘X-rays’ and ‘surgeon’. I never knew what happened at the hospital that night, and I don’t want to. It was probably, if not surely, a disaster. Our talented driver dropped us all in the middle of the town, pretending to have an emergency. Yeah, she needed to go and find her ‘little dove’ she hadn’t seen for too long. Ugh, love is disgusting.

Connie went with Sasha for a last minute sleepover. Marco politely declined. Eren and Mikasa went and accompanied Armin to his home. And I walked Marco to his house. All along the way he was swinging his arms back and forth like he wasn’t sleep deprived (I was) and we didn’t talk. I realized it was becoming more frequent with him, this non-verbal time. Like ‘we just need to be in other presence to be happy’. Please, no. But I didn’t find any topics to talk about. Fucking great, Jean Kirstein.

At 3:06 we were in front of his house. I thought Marco was just going to go home, and I started to leave, but he didn’t let me go.

“Thank you, Jean. For today.”

“Why?”

“You came up with this idea because I wanted to show that Mina matters and she’s not just one more dead. You took that risk even if you didn’t know any of them.”

“Anyone would’ve done that. Maybe not the exact same thing but…”

“I’m glad we did that. Even if we get arrested, I’d have no regrets.”

“Me neither.”

My words were followed by an awkward weird silence. Well, I’m exaggerating, it wasn’t really awkward or anything. But Marco rubbed his arm awkwardly. It was like he had something to tell me. Maybe I was just getting wrong ideas because I was so damn tired.

“You know I really, really want to hug you right now?”

“Thanks, but no.”

Now imagine my face but it’s the ‘:)’ emoji. The one that looks like he wants to throw itself into the void and disappear from existence. Yep, that was me right then. _Someone please kill me._

“I know. I won’t force you to do it. Bye, Jean.”

“Goodbye.”

He turned over and walked to the doorstep. I went on my way, feeling like I messed up again. Wait not like, I did mess up.

“And Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“You…” he looked at his feet. I was too far to be sure about it, but I think he… blushed? “You look cute with that beanie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason this chapter is out late is because I've been working on another JeanMarco fanfiction! I don't know when I'll publish it, but probably next month.
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The topics I'm talking about in this story are very dear to me, and I must warn you that it won't always be cute. I've seen my school's inactiviy when a girl killed herself because she was bullied in this school. They barely talked about it for one day, and then it was over. I wish I could have done something, but it's never that easy, right? So if you're going through hard times, and think about suicide, please consider talking about it with someone you can trust. Don't let bad times ruin your life, you're more than that.

I slept like, two hours maybe? I didn’t even remember all the way to my bed. The last memory I had was Marco passing through the front door of his gran’s house. He smiled and waved at me like what he just said wasn’t a big deal. Fucking sunshine boy. After that, it was blackout. And let me tell you that five cups of coffee aren’t the best thing to do. When I woke up, there was already one on the sink. I must have had one or more cups before going to sleep. That Friday was promising.

I had a hard time getting out of the house. It seemed like every muscles I own decided to get tired at the same time. Each step I took was asking me too much. For a minute I stared in the void asking myself if school was that important. The conclusion was the same as always, no. But I had to go to see the impact of our work. I imagined the priceless teacher’s face when they’d recognized the names. These people were gone, not forgotten.

Thinking about that gave me the strength to go out of my house. And in front of it, just at the bottom of the hill, stood a surprise for me. The only person I knew who was enough of a dork to come pick me up for school.

“What are you doing here?”

“I can’t?”

He had dark circles under his sleepy eyes too. And when I got closer to him, I could smell coffee. I was glad we were on the same page, so neither of us was suffering alone. 

“No, it’s not that. You’re lucky my parents aren’t here. They could’ve seen you.”

“And what?”

“They would think I have friends and ask too much questions about you.” And it would quickly get too embarrassing. Knowing my mom, she’d ask question about him every fucking day, thinking I finally made a friend and maybe I wasn’t hopeless.

“Sounds terrible.”

“I’m not kidding Marco.”

“Maybe you should talk to them more.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Why you should talk about your life with your parents? I don’t know, maybe they care about you and they want to know you, to know you have a good life, happy and surrounded by friends.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Did you ask them?”

“No, but that’s not- “

“Ok, maybe they don’t love each other anymore. But they’ll always love you no matter what.”

Marco was great when it came to make me confront my personal issues. Like with Eren. It had the particularity to annoy me. I wasn’t great, if not the worst, at handling my problems. I used to run away from them. Until Marco arrived and he built walls to stop me from going anywhere. Metaphorically. I could still run away from him in the real life. But I won’t, I won’t be a coward in front of him.

“Listen, I don’t- “

“Want to talk about it? One day, you’ll have to. Maybe try to talk about it to someone, like a therapist? Or an adult?”

“I can’t. I’m not good at getting appreciated by adults.” By anyone.

“Wrong. My mom likes you.”

“Your mom? You talked about me with your mom?”

“Of course! I still talk to her you know. Even if my father would disapprove if he knew. She said you sound like a good guy.”

“Oh my god Marco!”

“What?”

“I’m sure you make me sound cooler than I am, you always do. If we ever met, she’s going to be so disappointed.”

“Don’t be pessimistic Jean. She’ll like you. I think she already does.”

I grimaced. Of course in his mouth, I must have sounded like a perfect angel. No wonder why his mother think I’m nice. Why did he even talk about me in the first place? To show he wasn’t bad, and he could still make friends? To prove something to her?

As expected, the crowd in front of the school that day was even bigger. There were even journalist, cameras, and shit. Students were chocked, some were crying. Because the names weren’t just students, they were sisters, bothers, daughter, sons, and friends.

“Wow.” Exclaimed Marco.

“Yeah.”

“No mentions of anything, even between us.” I said. We could be heard, and with all the people there, it wouldn’t take long for anyone to know we were the ones who did that. Nonetheless, I was proud to see it was effective. That was the first time something I did had such a great impact.

We found Connie and Sasha, who were way less tired than us. I guess they’re used to sleepless nights, playing video games until dawn. No wonder why they had both disastrous grades and couldn’t keep track of schoolwork. At least they had fun while failing.

I still wonder how Connie managed to avoid hurting himself while jumping in front of car. Either he had a perfect timing or a lot of luck. Well, I didn’t want to investigate this further. There are things about Connie and Sasha I didn’t know, and I was afraid to. They could be fucking scary when you realize they have no self-control.

I’m not going to lie to you, I was hoping school would have been cancelled for the day. Mainly because that would have meant I could go back to sleep. But they didn’t do a single thing. Teachers arrived at school, only giving a short look at the walls. Except for Dr Hanji who happily snapped a pic of it. What the fuck.

In class, all the kids were talking about it. Whenever people walked by us saying how amazing it was Marco and I would grin at each other like two idiots. Depending on the teacher, some would talk about it, some wouldn’t. My Spanish teacher gave up on Spanish and dedicated her class to a group talk, where people could share their experience. Four person admitted thinking about suicide sometimes, but I think there was more than just four. Then she made each of us tell a reason why we wanted to stay alive.

“My friends”; “My little sister”; “My pets”; “So I can have a bright future”; “The nature”; “My girlfriend”; “I’m too handsome to die”; “The last season of my favorite show didn’t air yet and I want to know how it ends”; “Because of all the little pleasure life gives us like laying under the sun”; “I don’t want to die a virgin”; “I want to see the Great Wall of China before”; “I can and I will make the world a better place”

I had to make every synapses of my brain work to have a correct answer. I knew there was technically no ‘correct’ answer. But I didn’t know any of these people, I couldn’t say something stupid. Something impersonal, generic, unnoticeable.

I found nothing. There was nothing to make me hold onto life. And the truth is, I already knew that. Nothing was holding me back. It sucks, right? To know that technically I shouldn’t be there.

“I don’t want to die yet,” was the best thing I could come up with. Even if I had no idea if it was true. It was either that or “I want to sleep”.

After this collective unpacking of deep emotions, the other classes felt insipid. Marco said he would’ve liked to be in this ‘Spanish’ class with me. “That’s what you get for choosing french as a second language.” I answered. That was mean, but that was true. Don’t you dare blame me for being honest.

Marco had his revenge at lunch, i.e. he had a meeting with Dr Hanji, they were like friends, so I had to go eat a ‘delicious’ cheeseburger by myself. I sat down at a random table and browse through Instagram as I took the first bite.

“Marco isn’t there?”

The fact that this was the first question everyone kept asking me whenever I was alone really show how loved and appreciated I was.

“No, Armin. He got some stuff to deal with.”

“Can I sit with you then?”

Eren and Mikasa were nowhere to be seen and that was a good thing because I wanted to punch one of them and the other one would have look to scary and probably kick my ass if I ever tried.

“Do what you want.”

Armin sat down in front of me, dropping his bag on the floor. He put a book next to his plate of…Salad? _Who the fuck eat only a salad?_ And it wasn’t even the worst part. The worse is that he was reading a book about Freud. _And who the fuck read Freud at lunch?_ I had found a nerdier person than Marco, how was that possible?

“You read Freud?”

“I know,” he put down his fork. “It’s nerdy, but I need to learn as much as possible to be prepared for next year, and I also like philosophy. Eren keeps mocking me for that but-“

“No, I mean dude, why Freud? His ideas are shit.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he was a bitch. Oedipus complex? Total bullshit. This man didn’t know shit about what he was talking about. Literally almost every philosopher after him tried to prove his ideas were wrong.”

“Uh, I- “

“You should read about Diogenes. He was the real MVP. ‘Stand out of my sunlight’. A masterpiece. ‘I am looking for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave’. Fucking iconic.”

“Wow, Jean, I had no idea you knew that much about philosophy.”

“I don’t and the only thing I gotta say is don’t read Freud.”

“Well, thank you for the advice. But I need to read that book.”

Then he got back to eating his lettuce. He was really weird too. It was like I was a weirdo magnet. For the rest of the lunch, we did a little bit of small talk. He didn’t talk about the night before, and I was glad. But if he was alone, that meant Mikasa and Eren weren’t at school. Eren must have been too tired and he stayed in bed. Mikasa, the goddess she is must have chose to stay with him. Fuck him.

The English class we had that afternoon finished to kill my mood. I was really too tired for this bullshit. And Ackerman’s sermon on our last ‘disastrous’ essay seemed to be endless. Marco did manage to get a good grade on it though. I bet that nerd even read the book, whereas I couldn’t remember the title of it.

“Kirstein, Bodt, wait a minute. I have something to talk about with both of you.”

He got up from his desk chair and dominated us with his not that big height. Whatever he wanted to talk about, we were fucked. From the corner of my eyes I could see Marco starting to panic.

“I’m not stupid,” The teacher started, like he needed to remind us that. He squinted his eyes and frowned. That send a shiver of fear down my spine. “But I didn’t see that coming, even if I should’ve.”

_What is he talking about?_

“Don’t pretend to know nothing about it. It was obvious. Now, I want to know whose idea was it.”

“What idea?” I answered. If I feigned innocence, maybe he would’ve believed me and let us go free of detention.

“It was mine,” cut out Marco. As much as heroic it could be, it was an idiot move.

“Yours, really?” Ackerman seemed to have a hard time buying Marco’s lie as he raised one of his eyebrows. Who wouldn’t? His lies were horrible.

“Yes, sir.”

“And what role did you play in it, Kirstein?”

“Uh…I…Err…”

“Because you two weren’t discrete the other day on the street with all your newly bought paint. I just had to add 2 and 2 this morning.”

“Are you going to tell the police?” Marco, always asking questions that would’ve make things easier if he had shut his mouth.

“No.” _Fuck yeah._ I could breathe out. “I agree that we didn’t do a lot for the students mental health. And you were right to act for it. I wouldn’t have done it that way, but what’s done is done. However, I’m not planning on letting you go like this.” Of course. What was I even thinking about, it was Levi Ackerman. He would notice the smallest mistakes, and he’d make whoever made it pay. “You have to write an essay on the purpose of your actions. I’d like to read more about it. Don’t even think about copying or sharing things together, I’ve learnt to know the differences between your ideas, despite the fact that you’re plagiarizing each other all the time.”

Marco giggled uncomfortably. We did our homework together half of the time, something like that was meant to happen. And no, I wasn’t giving him all the answers without explanation. I let him find it by himself, but since I taught him my methods, obviously we ended up with the same answers.

“I want it before winter break. And it’d better be good. Also Kirstein, you have to fill your college applications for the end of next week. Now, go away. I need my tea refill.”

“Yes sir.” Politely slipped Marco as we walked out of the classroom.

We didn’t hold back our laughter long. Nervous laughs are the worst to contain, and god it feels good when you can finally let it all out. But Marco’s laugh was way louder and nicer than mine. My laugh just sounds like a dying pig.

“Oh my god, I thought he was going to kill us!”

“If looks could kill, he would already have.”

“A thousand times.”

We had a free period after, so we both went to the library to start the damn essay. It was Marco’s idea, so we could – I quote- “Be free sooner”. And I knew that was the correct way of thinking, every student should think like that. But my lazy ass decided to just doodle on a piece of paper for the whole hour. As always, a job nicely done by Jean Kirstein. Whereas Marco had prepared his essays, with all his arguments listed. I found myself dreaming to have his determination. I could be so powerful if I just had a bit of motivation, I think.

I noticed that Marco didn’t scolded at me for drawing. Instead he watched me drawing once he was finished. He laid his head on the table and followed my pencil’s strokes. His eyes were so intensely focused on my moves, I panicked and messed up some of the flowers I was drawing. The bell rang, announcing the end of the period. Marco snapped out of his trance. I ripped off the paper I’ve been drawing on, to give it to him.

“Thank you, Jean.”

“It’s not a gift, I’m just getting rid of it. It sucks.”

“Not at all.”

Then, Marco had to leave me since I was forced to go to PE. Mr. Shadis decided to come today. He was never not there when it was really necessary. I’m sure he had been trained for that.

Winter was almost there, and all of the class could feel it. We were shaking and shivering like scared puppies. Shadis sent us to run laps as a warming up, but it didn’t do shit against the cold.

At first, I didn’t pay much attention to Sasha. She was behind everyone, walking at a slow pace. But then, I noticed she had her arms wrapped up around her belly, like it hurt. She was also staggering and almost falling down at every step she took. I was the first one to act, much to Connie’s despair.

“Sir, Sasha’s sick, can I go with her to see the nurse?”

“How’s that Braus?”

“I think I’m going to throw up.” She really looked pale, almost greenish. Even an idiot could see she wasn’t feeling good.

“Fine. Go.”

I hold back a grin as I walked with her out of the track. Connie grimaced and I threw my middle finger at him. I won this time.

Sasha had trouble to walk so I let her lean a bit on me. Only because she was sick, normally I wouldn’t even allow her to touch me. The way to the nurse’s office was pretty long. Sure, what a great idea to put it on the opposite side of the field, where students are most likely to get injured. Who designed this fucking school?

“Bathroom…” Sasha murmured weakly.

“You wanna go to the bathroom?”

She nodded as an answer. Weird thing to ask, but I did as she said. The girl’s bathroom was closer anyway. And it could be more useful if she needed to throw up. My arms were tensed, ready to push her away in case anything came out of her mouth. I had never soaked with vomit, and unfortunately it was in my ‘top 10 unpleasant things I don’t want to happen but are going to someday’ list.

We entered the bathroom and I let her go into a stall by herself. Didn’t take long to hear the sound of her vomiting filling the emptiness of the room. I leaned on a wall and crossed my arm to wait for her to finish her … business.

She threw up during a whole three minute non-stop. I doubted there was a single piece a food left in her stomach. Maybe she hadn’t a stomach anymore. Who knows.

“Better?” I asked when she stopped, and when I felt less disgusted.

“Not that much.”

“What happened?”

“I guess my body didn’t like the outdated candy I ate this morning.”

“That’s why it was out-of-date, genius.”

“I paid for these! I wasn’t going to back off because of some numbers.”

“Of course.”

She could add nothing before she puked once more. I felt like I was also going to if she didn’t stop soon. Thankfully, it lasted just a few seconds that time. I could hear her panting and spitting from time to time.

Sasha was eating so much; she was asking for it. I mean, who the fuck is hungry to the point of eating outdated candies? That girl had a problem with food.

My thoughts were interrupted by the door violently banging on the wall. Sasha didn’t look at me as she went to the sink, washed, and dried her hands. Her face was wearing a more serious look than usual, which was kinda unsettling.

“Jean?”

“What?”

“Could you like, don’t mention any of this to Connie?”

“Sure.” That was an odd request, but I had no reason to refuse. I had nothing to lose, and it’s not like I was going to tell everything to Connie before she asked me not to.

“Thank you.”

I turned my eyes over and let my gaze meet my reflection on the bathroom mirrors. I looked like a fucking zombie, with my pale skin and decomposed face. Even my hair was a fucking mess. It was a miracle no one commented about it.

“Are we going back to class?”

“No, who do you think I am?”

“Ugh, great.”

She plopped down on the floor. I stayed where I was, leaning on the bright yellow wall. Of all the floors, the bathroom’s is surely the filthiest one, covered with piss and who knows what. It wasn’t a surprise that Sasha didn’t mind. 

We had both left our phone in the locker room, so we stood there doing nothing like idiots. She wasn’t in the mood to talk and I didn’t want to. Or maybe that was because I had nothing to say to her. What do you want to say to the person who regurgitated their guts in front of you? I knew myself enough to stop me from making things worse. Okay, not all the time, but at least _that_ time I knew I had to shut up.

“Do you have a date already?”

I looked down at Sasha. She was peeking at her nails.

“What?”

“For the winter thing? You have a date Kirstein?”

“The winter formal? Or is it prom? No, I don’t. I thought there had stopped doing that stuff.”

“Well, seeing the recent events, cough, cough.” If you’re wondering, yes she did really say ‘cough’ out loud. “They decided to put it back.”

The ‘winter formal’ as the school liked to call it was just a prom in December. That’s all. They made it sound fancy and cool when it consisted of teenagers getting drunk on the booze they illegally brought. One good thing is it wasn’t mandatory. So most people just skipped the boring stuff at school part and just went to the after parties. Which were a lot more fun.

I couldn’t believe they were putting it back just to take everyone’s mind away. To forget what’ve just done, to forget what’s going on in this damn school. We’ve tried our best, but they still outdid us.

“It sucks.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know Jean Kirstein was above that common people festivity.”

“Oh, shut up.” It wasn’t because of that. It was because they were trying to be louder than us. And a prom was the best thing to do that. With the organization, the fuss kids will make about the so-called ‘dates’, who goes with who, who’s gonna wear what, where’s the after party… It made me sick. The school administration were monsters. They could have done a memorial, or something dedicated to mental health. But no, we were ending up with a winter formal. 

“I think I’ll go with Connie.” See, I told you it would be all about dates, suits, and dresses.

“Of course.”

“Maybe you should go with Marco.”

“What? Why would I even- Hell no…Just… It’ll be too embarrassing. And that’s not…No- Listen I won’t… Just, no.”

“You guys could have been so cute.”

“Fuck off Sasha.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!  
> This may not seem important to you, but it is to me! Also if you have any question regarding the story, feel free to ask them, I'll gladly answer ;)
> 
> Take care of you <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom part 1 
> 
> (Just so you know, I'll put the key words I use in my notes to remember what's going on in every chapter as a summary)

Marco had to literally drag me to prom. I was still upset about what the school did, how they erased the problem we pointed out. You can guess I didn’t want to go to the pretentious winter formal at all. And I wouldn’t have gone to it if Marco had minded his own business, as usual.

Until mid-December, that was all the school was talking about: winter formal. And with each day, it was becoming worse. Posters claiming it was going to be ‘the fun of our lives!’ were hanged all over the place. Wait for the best, one day arriving at school we had a surprise: they repainted the walls. With an ugly ass brown paint. Still, it covered every name. You could be sure no one remember and talked about it anymore, every eyes were looking forward to prom. And I seemed to be the only one who actually gave a fuck about how this fuckery brainwashed the whole school.

Marco, of course, was so happy about it. He told me it was going to be his first official party at school. He rambled for a whole day on the clothes he was planning to wear. Then another day on the dance. And another one on the food there could be. That was really annoying.

The essay I had to do for Mr. Ackerman took me quite some time. Maybe if I hadn’t done it the day before giving it back it wouldn’t have sucked that much. And no, I don’t work better under pressure, so it was a lose-lose for everyone, but mostly for me. Mine had to look like a middle schooler work compared to Marco’s fine piece of writing.

At first, I didn’t want to go to the winter formal. Here, I even made a list to show Marco all the reasons I shouldn’t go.

  1. I don’t own a tux.
  2. I hate the people at this school, I’ll take every opportunity to avoid them.
  3. I hate parties/social events.
  4. Fuck dancing.
  5. It’s going to get boring really quick.
  6. It’s a waste of time.



I could go on forever with this list but that’s not the point. I’m not a party guy, and I’ve never hide it. There were more reasons for me to stay home than to go to this ‘prom’. There was this new show on Netflix I needed to torrent, a drawing of Marco in the journal I hadn’t finished yet and a bag of Tortilla chips and guacamole waiting for me. Until Sasha decided to second Marco in his idea of making me go. Don’t underestimate how annoying she can get.

I only gave in for the free food. It always gets me. It’s Sasha’s bad influence, what can I say. But I warned Marco that I was leaving as soon as I get bored. To which he answered, “That won’t happen!”. _Let’s see then, sunshine boy._ It was my realistic self against his optimistic self.

But I still had no tuxedo to wear. And hell, like I was going to wear a tie or a bow. Then the freckled angel came to my rescue. He assured me he had a suit to lend me. Free food and clothes? Fuck yeah.

Looking back at what I’ve done, I think I should’ve said no. Marco was the kind of person who made it very difficult to say no to, but it wasn’t impossible. I just should’ve tried harder. The rest of my life would’ve been calmer. And somehow better.

Marco than had this wonderful idea for us to get ready for prom together. Just him and I, he didn’t ever bother to invite Connie or Sasha, who were going together anyway. May the idiots stay with the other idiots.

The last Friday before winter break, the school decided to end the day earlier, giving up on the last three periods of the day to give time to students to get ready for the ‘big night’.

**Me**

_When should I come?_

**Marco**

_When you want_

_Just not too late so we can have time to get ready_

**Me**

_Pfft, why would I be late? :)_

**Marco**

_JEAN_

**Me**

_Just kidding_

_Around 5_

**Marco**

_See you at 5 then ;)_

I didn’t tell my mom about it. But I guess the school in a way or another made her know there was a party that evening. And she decided to talk about it with me right when I was supposed to leave the house.

“Do you have a date for tonight?”

“No.” As much as I liked lying to her, this time the truth seemed to convey more my irritation. Why the fuck would I tell her about my non-existent love life?

I left home a little before 5. Walking and breathing the fresh air of December relieved my tensed nerves. Even if I could catch a cold because as smart as I was, I forgot to put on a scarf. At least I had my beanie, which Marco seemed to like, so I wore it more often.

The walk felt quicker, since my mind was hella busy. I stopped a few seconds in front of Marco’s house. He arrived a few seconds after I knocked on the door.

“Hey Jean! Come in.”

I entered the house and was immediately submerged with the delicious smell of cookies. I also took off my beanie, but that’s not very relevant.

“Gran, Jean’s here!” screamed Marco. Did everyone is this house communicate with screams?

“Oh, wait!” We heard a rumble coming from the kitchen, and Marco’s gran- sorry, _Irene’s_ head showing up from the kitchen’s door. “Hi Jean! Ready for winter formal?”

“Kinda…”

“We’re going in my room gran,” said Marco as he led us upstairs. I was surprised how comfortable I felt in their house.

In his bedroom, Marco had already got out two tuxedos out of the closet and nicely laid them on his bed. One blue and one black. There was also two white shirts folded on each other. No tie to be seen, thank god.

“The dark blue one is for you, since it’s a bit too short for me.”

“Are you calling me shorter?”

“Well, you are…”

“Hell no! I’m taller than you!”

“Let’s see.”

He got close to me, putting our shoulder together and aligned our feet. Then he straightened his back.

“See, I’m taller.” He said with a smirk.

“Fuck you!”

I punched his shoulder. That was a light punch, but I could never hurt anyone with my fist anyway, I’m too weak. Maybe I should’ve start to work out like Marco did. I would’ve look better in the suit he lent me.

He showed me where the bathroom was, and two seconds after I was left alone, staring at these fancy clothes. It must have been years since I had last worn something as pretty as this. No doubt I would feel uncomfortable all night long with that on.

“It’s not like I have any other choice.” I whispered to the clothes. They didn’t answer.

While putting them, I quickly found out they were too big for me. I had to fold the end of the pant so I didn’t trip over it. As I watched myself in the mirror I thought I looked like a kid trying on his dad’s clothes. That’s funny because I never did that. My parents used to lock their room to stop me from entering. They sure trust me a lot (no).

I unbuttoned the first -or the last depending where you starts- buttons of the shirt, to add some cool in the outfit. Made it worse. I wanted to switch back to my usual style, which I can’t describe, but it’s more about blending with the crowd than standing out.

“Can I come in?” Marco asked behind the bathroom door.

“Sure.”

Marco had also put on his own tux. And he looked way better and hotter than me. Maybe because his was fitting and not two sizes bigger. To me, he seemed broader than usual.

“It’s not that bad.” He said after examining me.

“Not that bad?” I wiggled the loose sleeves. “Look like I put on my dad’s stuff.”

“No. It looks fine. You look fine.”

He walked up to me and raised his hands. I thought he was going to put them on my face, but he just fixed the collar of my shirt. Why would he even touch my face? Come on Kirstein, think straight. He brushed dust of my shoulders and then backed off to admire (?) me.

“Now the hair!” he exclaimed while happily clapping his hands.

“Don’t. Touch. My. Hair.”

“Okay, okay.” His eyes wandered around the bathroom, searching for something. “How about some makeup?”

“Yeah, I don’t see why not.”

“Luckily, I had packed some things when I got here.”

He opened one of the cabinet’s door and pulled out a small black makeup kit. It was so full; I had the impression it was going to explode at any moment.

“This one’s my favorite.” He handed me a pen. Well actually it was an eyeliner, but it looked just like a pen. Marco would go mad if he heard me call his gold eyeliner a pen.

“Do you want me to put it on you?”

“It would be a disaster if I tried myself, so yeah.”

“Come, we’ll sit in my room.”

We sat in front of each other on his bed, carefully not crinkling the suits. Marco crossed his legs and spread out his makeup stuff next to him. His hands wondered a few seconds over the different pen, before choosing one. They all looked the same to me, so I had no idea what color he chose.

“I’m going to need you to stay still, Jean.”

“Okay.”

“Close your eyes.” I obeyed, but I might have closed them a little bit too strongly. “Not like that! Imagine you’re going to sleep.”

When my eyelids where in a satisfying position for him, he grabbed my face with his left hand. He was so close I felt his breath on my cheeks. I could smell him. The contact froze me but I said nothing. Then a felt the cold tip of his pen tracing a line on my eyelid. He slowly draw on it, and I had to fight the urge to open my eyes to see his face. I betted this nerd was sticking his tongue out to focus.

It didn’t take long before he moved to do the other eyes. I was starting to think that was the ‘make over’ part of the movie that had become my life since I met him. I mean, the clothes, the make-up, everything to help get the girl or whatever was the next step.

“And done! You can open your eyes now, Jean.”

I did, and there was no difference. It was more like I didn’t feel any difference. But that was before Marco handed me a small mirror to see his work. He used a metallic silver pen to do a thin line over my eyelashes. And it wasn’t bad at all. I have to say he did a perfect line, with no smudges.

“How did you do it that smoothly?” My own experience with drawing on irregular surfaces taught me it’s fucking hard and tricky.

“With my sister, Lisa, we used to do each other make-up when we were going out, before...You know.” That was the sign I needed to keep on the conversation, without speaking about the fact he wasn’t at home anymore.

“You two were close?”

“Yes, you could say that.” He stared blandly at his bed. Then he shook his head and continued. “I’d ask you if you want foundation or powder, but mine won’t match your skin tone.”

The thought of Marco using foundation to hide his freckles inexplicably made me sad. That’s selfish but I liked to see them on him. And I couldn’t imagine Marco without the signature spots on his face.

“Are you going to put it on?” _Please say no, please say no, please say no…_

“No, I’ve got a better idea.” He grabbed a spray and held it in front of me.

“Am I supposed to know what it is?”

“It’s glitters! We’re going to spray it all over our faces to look fabulous!”

“Fabulous?”

“Exactly. Wait just a minute, I have to do my eyeliner first.”

He took the same on he used on me and with the mirror draw the line over his eye in less than a minute. I was quite impressed by his skills. And I was ever more impressed by girls who goes through this every morning.

“You’ll have to close your eyes one more time,” said Marco as he opened the spray bottle of glitter after shaking it. “And your mouth. Make sure to hold your breath.”

“If I die, it’ll be your fault.”

“You won’t die Jean.”

Seconds after I closed my eyes (and my mouth), I felt the glitter landing all over my face. It was like water vapor, and it didn’t smell anything. I just hoped I wasn’t allergic to anything in it.

Then Marco gave me the bottle and I sprayed his face. Even with his eyes and mouth closed, he was still smiling. The glitters were fitting him well, and with the freckles on his nose and cheeks, they were creating some kind of masterpiece of art like the night sky, and the glitters, the freckles were the faraway stars and planets. The gold touches added by the glitter were making his skin stand out, just like his eyes who were sparkling in the dimmed light of his room.

“Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“You zoned out.”

“Shit, sorry.”

“No need to apologize.”

Then we went downstairs, where Irene was waiting for us with a dozen cookies. Retired people have so much time to lose. Which could be used to make cookies all over again and to finally manage to get the perfect recipe. We finished the whole plate. Marco because he was hungry, and I because I didn’t trust the food the school was going to provide us.

Irene whished us to have a good night, and to party a lot, without drinking (because I was still underage, but no one cares). I got out of the house first, and Marco closed the door behind us.

“I’m not taking the bus.” I said to Marco on the porch.

“Who said we were going to take the bus?”

“I’m not walking either.”

“Well, then that’s a good thing gran let me borrow her car for the night!”

“The what now?”

“Her car….?”

“Wait, you can drive?”

He laughed. “Of course Jean, I have my license since last year. My mom said: the earlier, the better.”

How did I not know he had a driver’s license? Why he didn’t tell me? Is there anything else he forgot to mention and that I’m only going to found out by surprise? Are we even friends?

“Cool.” I briefly answered.

Irene’s car was an old grey one. It wasn’t smelling anything weird inside.

Marco was a damn good driver. He didn’t say a word during the ride, I could see he was extremely focused on the road. I had to make sure he didn’t drink alcohol that night. I didn’t want to end up in a tree or get arrested by cops.

The prom was supposed to start at 7 pm. I think they made it start early so they can end it early. Like anyone was going after it. Marco carefully parked in front of the school’s gym. There was already a lot of people, all well-dressed for the event.

“Wait a second Jean!” called me back Marco as I was opening the door.

“What?”

“Let’s take a pic together!”

You see, Marco was fond of all the fuss they make about prom, even the selfies with besties thing. I was certain he would have dragged me in a photobooth by the end of the night. 

“Sure.”

He pulled out his phone of his pocket. I only had a few seconds to think about the pose I wanted to strike. I knew my smiles could look weird and forced, so no smiles for Marco. I just went for my usual face, emotionless. I think I frowned my eyebrows a little.

“Thank you, Jean! Does it bother you if I send it to my mom?”

“No.” What a nerd.

While he was busy sending this shitty selfie to his mom, I got out of the car. Music coming from the gym could be heard. I had no idea what was this song, and it lowered my hopes for the evening. Whatever, I didn’t plan to dance.

“Lets’ go, Jean! The other must be waiting for us inside!”

I followed him through the parking lot, where a lot of disgusting couple where making out here and there. The party didn’t even start yet. I doubted I wanted to see what it would look like at the end around 11pm.

At the doors, there were a ton of white and blue balloons, winter themed I guess. A group of girls were taking pictures, a couple was awkwardly holding hands, two guys were smoking cigarettes.

“Oh, look they’re here!” I recognized Connie’s strident voice from behind me.

“Hey guys!”

“Looking nice Marco!”

“Thanks Sash.”

She was wearing a bright pink short dress. It didn’t look very warm for a winter night. At least she had her serving knight, Connie, who better had given her his jacket if she was too cold. However, her hair was still the same, in a ponytail.

Luckily, it was warmer inside the gym. I guess having this much people in a room helped to rise the temperature. All the lights were off, except for the laser show they installed in the back. It was disseminating a purple light in the room, but the moving lights hurt my eyes. Took me a few minutes to get used to it. There was a buffet on the left, and everywhere else seemed to be the dancefloor. That was a giant fucking mess.

Everyone looked happy.

We followed Sasha to the drinks and the food. She had already tasted every plate, and she recommended us some. I refrained from touching any of it. But I gladly accepted a cup of coke Marco gave me. I wouldn’t have trusted anyone else, who knows what they could have put in it while I wasn’t looking?

“Cheers!”

I glanced at the brown liquid in my cup and decided to not drink that shit. I wasn’t very keen on any kind of soda.

“Wassup my dudes?” screamed Ymir as she locked Connie and Marco into her arms. She was clearly drunk already. _For fuck’s sake it’s only 7._

“Ymir, don’t bother them!”

“I’m not bothering them; I’m showing my love for my friends!”

I must have missed something, because on the latest news, we weren’t friends. Gladly, she didn’t stay long with us, since she had some urged to dance with her ‘little dove’. Pet names make me sick. And calling someone ‘my’ even more. They’re not yours, or anyone’s, asshole.

I catch a glimpse of Eren, Mikasa and Armin at the other side of the room. Armin was the only one who waved at me. Not like I wanted shit ass Eren to wave at me. But a look from Mikasa would have been nice.

Some new song started and I still had no clue what it was. The person in charge of the songs must have had no idea what high schoolers listen to, and they just did an insane mix of everything they could find.

“Oh I like that one!” shouted Connie. “We should dance!”

“Hell yeah!”

Sasha followed him in the middle of the room and they started to dance in their weird way of doing everything. Next to me, Marco was smiling. I knew he wanted to dance too, but his kindness made him stay with me. I got close to his ear and told him:

“You can go if you want.”

“Aren’t you going to get bored?”

“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled at me, I smiled back, then he turned over to join Sasha and Connie. I quickly finished my drink out of whatever emotion I was feeling. It’s hard to put on a name on everything. I just knew I wanted Marco to stay by my side. But that had to be his choice, not mine. It was unfair to want that from him. If he wanted to go and dance with his friends, I had to let him.

They were having fun dancing, and I was getting bored watching them. I watched as Connie tried to twerk miserably. I watched as Ymir left Krista up high with her arms. I watched as Mikasa slipped between Eren and another girl. I watched as Marco hold Sasha’s hand as she twirled, making her dress spun. They were all laughing, smiling, and enjoying the night.

Now, picture me, standing alone in a room full of drunk, stoned, lovey-dovey, horny, sweating, well dressed, rich, incredibly stupid teenagers.

I fitted right in.

Marco was dancing, and god, he was good at it. But he wasn’t dancing with me. He danced with nice people. People like him, who’d love him, who’d cherish him, who’d always be there for him. Fuck, he deserves the best. Spoiler alert: I’m far from being the best for him. And letting him have fun with people he liked, and who liked him back was the only thing I could do.

So, I left.

I thought I’d feel better as soon as I would step through the door, but I didn’t. A breeze of cold air made me shiver. I shoved down my beanie on my ears, I didn’t want to catch a cold on top of everything. Geez, I fucking hate winter.

The only person who saw me outside were a group of dude smoking. And I could tell from the smell that it wasn’t cigarettes. None of that shit near me.

I walked around the gym for 10 minutes before sitting on some stairs leading to a closed door. I could contemplate the ugly school in front of me, in its brown poo-like color. I could still hear the muffled sound of the music coming from inside. My earphones would have been useful. I couldn’t count the number of times they helped me escape this world.

I actually enjoy being alone. Especially then, when all I could do was watching human beings living the best of their lives. They were happy, ignoring all the troubles I was going through. It felt like being the only spectator of a movie, you have no power on what’s happening in their world. You can just watch them and keep your feelings for yourself. They can’t hear you; they can’t see you; they can’t get in touch with you. So you sit, and watch them, because there’s no other choice.

I wanted to go away. To leave this damn place, this town and everyone else behind. To start a new life by myself. _Where would you go Kirstein?_ That’s right, where would I go? I didn’t belong anywhere. I was just a homeless piece of shit. What could I do to improve my life? How could I become a better person? How could I find a home? How do I stop messing up everything I do? Can I learn how to form relationships? How can I love? Who can I–

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

That slipped out. My eyes immediately closed, and I prayed no one heard me screaming. That wouldn’t be good for my low reputation.

“Fuck you Jean, you’re always ruining everything, you- “

Someone was coming. I could hear heavy footsteps and the ruffle of clothes. They probably had seen me already; it would’ve been useless to run away. So I just sat there, staring at my shoes, and hoping whoever that was, they wouldn’t annoy me while I was in the middle of a crisis.

“Hey Jean.” _Fuck_.

Marco. Of course. He had this bad habit of always coming near me when I didn’t want anyone. Maybe he put a GPS on me or something, to track down every one of my moves. Or he must have just seen me leaving, but what would have taken him so long to come and find me?

He clumsily sat down on the stairs next to me, wrinkling his nice clothes.

“Why are you all sad? Did something bad happened?”

“No one wants to dance with me.” I joked. Because that’s what it was: a joke. I didn’t care if someone wanted to dance with me or not, because I didn’t want to. From A to Z, everything I had said was a complete silly prank. Nothing to be taken too seriously.

“Would you mind if I danced with you then?”

And suddenly, it wasn’t a joke anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another cliffhanger for y'all ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, we're halfway through the story! yay!  
> Also, wow 1k hits?? 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who stayed until here so far! You guys are the best!

At first I thought he was kidding. It’s what anyone would think, right? No one sane would want to dance with me. What’s more I don’t know how to. I’ve never been asked to a dance, so I never bothered to learn. Just like swimming and many other things.

“Very funny, Marco.”

“I’m serious, Jean.”

Then I thought it was a prank, Connie and Sasha must have dared him to do that. That seemed to be the most logical option.

“Stop it, I don’t find it funny at all.”

“Jean. I mean it.”

“You… What?”

Then I thought that maybe, there was a chance, possibly, perhaps, probably, it could be that he might have just ask me to dance.

I stared at him in misunderstanding. And he stared back at me, waiting for an answer. And I wanted to give him one. But I was conflicted between saying no, and watching him get sad and lose his confidence, or saying yes and having to dance with him. What kind of dance? For all long? Will he touch me a lot?

“I’ll understand if you don’t want to, it’s not a problem at all. Don’t feel bad for saying no, I won’t be sad or- “

“Yes, I want to.”

“You do?”

Fuck I just wanted him to shut up. And it couldn’t be that bad. I mean, it was just Marco, who had always been nice to me. There was no one around to see us, we were behind the gym, no one ever goes there. No one to make fun of us. It had to be fine, just the two of us dancing. Like what bros do. Because that’s what bros do, right?

“So, Jean Kirstein,” Marco got up, bow a little, and hold his hand in front of me. “May I have this dance?”

“Don’t make it worse,” I laughed. But I took the hand he offered me and got up from the stairs. We just awkwardly stood in front of each other for a moment, for once I was taller than him even if it’s only because I was a step higher than him.

“Do you have a preference?”

“No, you lead.”

He smiled to me and made us go down the steps like I was some kind of princess. Then he lift his other hand, almost grabbing my hip. The panic I experienced must had to be seen in my eyes because he immediately stopped.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah.”

I flinched when his hand touched me. That was a first, and honestly it felt horrible. Like he was going to stop me from going away when something bad was going to happen. Although Marco would never do that, I still felt trapped. 

“Are you ready Jean?”

“Yes?”

And Marco pulled on the hand we was still holding, to make us spin. I didn’t expect it so suddenly, I almost lost my balance. But Marco held me, and I didn’t fall. He was laughing, like I hadn’t got scared to death.

“Marco!”

“What? Come on Jean, dance with me!”

You know, when I think about two people dancing with each other in a friendly way at a prom or whatever, I always picture them doing their own dance moves _separately_ like apart from each other. Not with some kind of scary waltz.

Marco lead us, making us spin and turn around. He was actually a good dancer, never step once on my foot. Although if a professional dancer watched this, they would be killed. There was no technique or artistic moves. Just two kids, stumbling together and pretending to be good at it.

He held my hand up high as he turned around on himself like a ballerina. When he stopped he struggled to find his balance again, holding on to my arm to not fall down. That made him giggle and a second after, he was back to making us twirl. I guess we must have looked like we were drunk. Well mostly him.

He made us spin an insane number of time. We waltzed like the world was ours, using the muffled sound coming from the inside of the gym as our only music. We couldn’t tell what music it was, but we still danced to it.

Then, when my arms were starting to get tired, the music changed to something softer and slower. Marco’s position changed too, he stood still, a little bit closer to me. I could appreciate every single feature of his face. His eyes were shining as much as the glitter on his face, and they were smiling for him, with a gleam of laughter in them, highlighted by his perfect eyeliner. And I thought the nickname sunshine boy really did fit him well.

He slowly snaked his arms around my waist, pressing on the clothes but it felt like he was pressing directly on my skin. I mechanically stiffen to his touch, unable to move anymore. That was even worse than before. I only felt his hands on me, and all my other senses shut down for a short moment. When I looked at him again, he had a concerned look. I wanted to ask him to help me get out of here. But he didn’t take it that way. Instead he took my arms and put them around his neck and began to move his feet, dancing like we were on a plate.

“What’s that?”

“Slow dancing.”

“Ugh.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” Yes, I did want him to stop. But that made him happy, I could see it. And for once, I wanted to make him happy. Even if it meant I had to go through hell.

I wasn’t used to be touch like that. When other people touched me, it always hurt someway. I remember my father grabbing me roughly by the arm to make me leave the living room. The other kids at school pulling me off by the hair. I remember being punched. I remembered every time someone had touched me, and it was all hurting. Marco’s touch was different. It was sweet, gentle, caring. He never pushed too hard or grab strongly. His hands never hurt me. Wow, I just spilled my childhood trauma. Nice one. At least that wasn’t out loud.

Still, I was pretty tensed and I’m sure Marco felt it. His puppy eyes never left me, god that was embarrassing. I urged to hide my face or to just turn into a mouse and sneak in somewhere.

“And I’m never gonna dance again…” Marco started to sing while moving his shoulder to the rhythm of his words. My brain immediately recognized the song and stuck it in my head. What a dork.

“Guilty feet got no rhythm…”

Why did I even know the lyrics? Probably because of a stupid meme. I certainly had no rhythm. But he smiled at me, proud that I continued this stupid song he started. Maybe he did that to make me forget he literally had his arms around me and I was panicking, because that’s what it did. 

“Though it's easy to pretend! I know you're not a fool!”

“I should've known better than to cheat a friend”

“And waste the chance that I'd been given!” He closed his eyes as he shouted the lyrics, like he was doing a show. Except he was off keys, and so was I. It was probably very painful to hear.

“So I'm never gonna dance again,” I continued.

“The way I danced with you, ooooooooooooooooooooooh!”

Let’s say he was very into the song. Gladly he didn’t make the saxophone noise, because I wouldn’t be able to not laugh at that. Well, I was laughing with him already. And this euphoria that ran through my veins made me do something I’d never have. I let my head fall down on his shoulder and brought myself closer to him than I was, which meant at that point we were practically stuck onto each other, like bodies rubbing together and creating a perfect-

FUCK What is wrong with me?

Short version: we were dancing, and suddenly we were hugging. Don’t ask me how or why. And…And… And…I kinda like hugging him. But only for that time.

It only lasted six seconds, I couldn’t handle more. My breath was short, my heart thumping like I just ran a marathon, my stomach ready to push out its content one way or another. They weren’t on me anymore, but I could still feel his hands on my waist.

“Jean, do you want help?”

“No!” I shouted. “I mean, thank you but no. I’ll be fine.”

He patted my back lightly, like he hadn’t touch enough for that night. Maybe he was touch starved for what I know. I walked away from him, to have some space to breath peacefully. Sometimes, being with Marco was a bit too overwhelming for me.

“Do you want to leave, Jean?”

I turned over to look at Marco. He wasn’t smiling anymore, and not even looking at me. He was staring at the gym, maybe he wanted to go back in and dance with the other who are much better partners than me. Eren excluded of course. I’m still better than him.

“Yes, but you can stay. I’m not going to be a burden.”

“Jean, you’re not a burden. And I don’t think I could have fun knowing I let you go alone.”

“Thank you, but really I insist, go back inside.”

“No. Come on Jean, we’re leaving.”

He walked away a few steps and turned back to see if I followed him or maybe just to encourage me. He had found his sunny smile back.

“You know, it’s getting a habit of us to run away from parties like that.”

“Oh you’re right. Hey, we didn’t steal anything this time.”

“ _You_ didn’t steal anything.”

“Sorry,” he giggled. “Maybe you wanted more of these delicious petits fours.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s go stole some.”

Marco smiled at me and we got back inside. The light had changed to something softer, a really deep purple. It was way hotter in there than outside thanks to all the sweat and breath from all the people in the room. It was dark enough for us to sneak in without being seen by our friends. They were all busy on the dancefloor anyway. It was still a slow danced. From the corner of my eye I noticed Mikasa and Eren dancing together. I wiped that off my mind to focus on Marco. And the fours we were stealing.

“Do we get a whole plate?” He asked when we got to the buffet. There was a lot of them left, and I questioned their taste.

“Yeah, I got this, take a bottle of some soda or whatever that’s left.”

“A full one?”

“Yeah.”

I carefully took a plate of mini quiches that looked half-decent. I saw Marco with a bottle of fruit juice. He gave me a thumb up, and I gave him a confused face. Marco could be the only nerd to use thumbs up nowadays. I followed him outside, hoping no one saw us. The night had fallen, and we ran beneath the light of some floor lamps. 

We got into his car, and he turned on the radio to some radio who was broadcasting pop songs. I put the plate on my knees and took the bottle in my hands to look at it. It was orange juice. I thought he was going to take some coke or Pepsi.

“You didn’t seem to like coke earlier,” Marco said as he pull the car out of the parking spot. “So I took this instead. Is that fine?”

“Yeah, it is.” I was surprised he noticed and remembered that. That was really considerate. I had no idea how to thank him for that. “You want a mini quiche?”

“Yes, I’m so hungry!”

I held him one. It took me a whole ten seconds to realize he had his mouth open and expected me to feed him the thing. What the hell Marco? Was that some kind of stupid romance anime? Well, he had to stay focused on the road, right? So I slowly stretched my arm to reach his face. For some reason, my heart went mad, bumping faster. Marco bended forward and took the entire thing in his mouth without touching my fingers.

“Thank you.”

He smirked as I ate a quiche myself. They tasted horribly, maybe because they were supposed to be eaten cold. I put away the plate on the back seat. No more of that shit. I tried to drink some of the juice to erase the taste from my mouth, but it did nothing. I handed Marco the bottle, at this time he used one his hand to drink while he was driving. What a bastard.

“Where are you taking us?”

“To the convenience store. We need something more edible than these awful mini quiche.”

“Told you prom food sucks. Also I should mention I have no money.”

“Don’t worry, I can pay.”

I hope Marco didn’t keep track of everything he bought me, because if he brought it up one day, I’m not sure I could pay him back. He pulled over at the small parking lot and we went to the store. It was like 9, but they never close, and that was kinda a good thing that day. Inside, there was some people shopping, an old lady, a tired mom, a kid, a couple, an even more tired cashier.

“I want ice cream,” declared Marco.

“Okay.”

He led us to the ice cream aisle and crouched down to look. I did a quick inspection of the store. There was nothing to tempt me, except maybe these bottle of vodkas in the back. Even if I couldn’t but one, _someone_ else could.

“Hey Marco, you’re 18, right?”

“Yes, but why?”

“Buy me alcohol.”

You know, one of those stupid thing you only say because your brain left out a few hours ago when the person who claimed to be your best friends just slow danced with you for like more than half an hour and it was very erotic in some kind of way and you also fed them disgusting min quiche (wtf) but also no homo and it short circuited your brain so you can’t think logically anymore and you just like keep hanging with this person because you might actually like them and they might like you back? Yeah, that.

“No.”

“Come on, Marco!”

“I said no, Jean.”

“You’re no fun.”

“If you can’t have fun without alcohol, then _you_ ’re no fun. Do you like ice cream?”

“Yes, but not blueberry flavor. Please, just one bottle of vodka, and I’ll shut up.”

“Ah, I think we have to get popsicles, we can’t eat from an ice cream bowl like that. And Jean, it’s a no.”

“Fine!” I crossed my arms on my chest, uselessly since Marco wasn’t looking. “I want a divorce.”

Marco turned to look at me with squinted eyes. I pretended to be pouting, but really I was just laughing. This night made me lose a thousand braincells I think. And just like earlier with the song, Marco kept the joke going and I mentally thanked him for that. Someone keeping my jokes going or just playing the same game as me was pretty rare.

“You want to do that now, honey?”

“Well, you’re never home! When can I talk to you?” My parents were the inspirations for most of the lines that’ll follow. Who knows they could be useful? 

“Someone has to work to feed this family!”

“You’ve never done shit for our family and you know it!”

Marco faked an outraged look and it took all of my self-control to not giggle.

“I beg your pardon? Without me you’d be nothing!”

“I raised our children! Does that mean nothing to you?”

Some people in the store stopped shopping and started to stare at us. Two high school boys divorcing must have been a pretty show to watch.

“I created this family! I bought you a house, a car! You owe me everything!”

“I’m taking the children away!”

“No, Sasha and Connie are staying with me!”

“I carried them for nine months!” I didn’t know why _I_ was the mother, and why Sasha and Connie were our children, but I couldn’t stop, it was just too funny. The shoppers and the cashier were totally lost. “They are mine! But you can take the dog, you have _so much_ in common with him.” Okay, I knew I went a little bit too far with that.

“I never wanted it! It was for the kids, and you should have the whole package deal!”

I lost it at package deal. And just after I burst out laughing, Marco did too.

“What was that? A whole package deal?”

“I don’t know!”

We were still laughing when we went to pay. When _Marco_ went to pay since I had nothing with me. I made a mental note to give him back some money for that. In the end we just brought some strawberry popsicles that Marco told me they were the best. I was gone to trust him for the day anyway.

Just after we were out of the store, we unwrapped them and started to eat. They weren’t bad but they melted quickly, we had to hurry to eat them. Marco didn’t stop at his car and kept walking in the streets. I didn’t say a thing because I wanted to know where he was going. Turned out he wasn’t going anywhere.

“So, where do you want to go, Jean?”

“I don’t know…”

In reality, I did know where I wanted to bring him. But it would have felt weird to take him there. Like he didn’t

“So, do we walk until dawn?”

To me that didn’t sound like a bad idea, but I knew Marco probably said that as a joke. Whatever, we would have gotten tired really fast. And that dumbass still had a car to drive us anywhere. _Wait, anywhere?_

“Can’t you drive us somewhere?”

“Yeah. Where?”

“You got me.”

“And I’d rather walk.”

A fucking good idea. We walk until we’re lost then we have to walk the way back to get to the car. What could go wrong?

“Oh I know!”

“You know?”

“Yes! The park you told me about once, we could go there!”

Did he read my thoughts or something?

“That’s not really a nice place…”

“Didn’t sound like it.”

“Okay, I’ll take you there.” Because at that point, you already know every fucking thing about me, so you might as well go all the way. I never share that much with anyone, and maybe I told him too much. Someone knowing too much about you is never a good thing. _Never._

So I walked him to the park. Didn’t take that long since I was too busy hoping no dealer would ask us if we wanted to have some fun with who-knows what substance. What would Marco think of me hanging at that kind of place? A spot where all the drug dealers in town met with their best clients. Only the finest for best sunshine boy Marco.

Thankfully, most of them hid in the dark while doing business. So I brought Marco in confidently. I decided to take him to my favorite spot, the top of the bright red slide. I helped him climb it, and then we sat in front of each other, bending our legs so we both have room.

“You were right,” he began. “It’s very calm here.”

“I’m always right.”

“I know.”

It was the night, and it was pretty dark, so I couldn’t see him properly. The only light we had was the moon. Fuck that sounded so romantic. Ugh. It was a lot of ‘Ugh’ for just one night.

“So, what do we do now?” I asked because the silence was getting embarrassing.

“You wanna talk about something?”

“And you?”

“Don’t try to avoid my question, Jean.”

“I’ll answer if you do.”

“No, you first.”

“Fine.” He sat closer to me, like a teenage girl at a sleepover ready to spill some tea. “What do you want to know?”

“Is there somebody you would have liked to slow dance with tonight?” Oh my god, _I_ was the teenage girl at a sleepover all along.

“Hum…Yes.”

“No way! Who is it?!”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Oh, no you are!”

“Or what?” He grinned at me, and I took it as a provocation. I was a cat about to get killed by curiosity.

“Or I’ll make you.”

“Then make me.”

I jumped on him and started to tickle his belly. From what I know, this is the most effective way to make someone surrender. And thanks god, he was actually ticklish. Otherwise it would’ve been so awkward. Like just imagine me trying to tickle Marco who’s just keeping a straight face.

He fell on his side, laughing like I never seen him did. Geez, I had forgotten how much I liked to ear his laugh. My fingers ran on him, ignoring my repulsion for human contact, as I said, I might as well go all the way. But I didn’t lift his shirt, that was where I drew the line. Anyway, it still worked.

“So, are you gonna tell me now?”

“You…uf…you can dream Kirstein.”

He turned over and went down the slide before I could do anything. I saw him land on his ass and murmured a ‘shit’. Marco always made sure to never swore out loud, and that was super cute.

“That thing is so wet!” He screamed at me, pointing the slide.

I laughed so hard at something that wasn’t really that funny. Even if that was. But before I could follow him, Marco was on his feet, running away from me.

“Oh no, you’re not…”

I went down, my ass got a bit wet from the humidity on the slide (what do you expect it was a winter night), but way less than Marco’s. When I got up he was still running away. I began to follow him, except it was useless because he tripped on something and fell like a cartoon character on the ground. I ran up to him, because you know, he could’ve been hurt or something. No, he was just laughing, face buried in the grass. His tux was ruined, with all the blades of grass and water stains on it.

“You’re such a dork…”

“A dork who won.”

“I won.”

“Let’s say it’s a tie.”

“Yes. But I won.”

“Jean!”

“You’re literally laying on the ground. I. Won.”

“Fine you won.”

“Yes.”

I sat down next to him and he turned over to face the sky. There weren’t any stars to be seen that night only the moon. At least that made it less a stupid romantic scenery.

“So, you want to know who it is?”

“No, I was just messing with you.”

“Well, that wasn’t wort all this troubles.”

“It certainly didn’t.”

As much as I wanted to lie down next to him, I had this tiny voice deep inside of me telling me not to. We had been to close for the day already, and I would only make things worse if I did. I always lose what’s close to me. And that day made me realize I cared about Marco, and I didn’t want to lose him.

That sounds so cheesy, and I knew I had only been friends with him for a short time. But he grew on me, and with every day I appreciated him more. I couldn’t keep denying that. He was the closest friend I’ve ever had and selfishly, I wanted him to stay by my side. To stay with me for the rest of our lives.

Marco, during these last few weeks, had been so nice to me, listening to my ideas, caring about me, coming to see me when I was lonely, actually giving a fuck about who I was and what I was feeling.

But what if one day, I’m being so much of a dick he leaves me? What if he gets tired of me? What would happened if I have to watch him walk away from me? What would happened if I have to lose him like I lost everyone? What if he dies? He dies and I’m all alone, and I’d have to watch him get buried down, and watch his family cry and he’d never know how much he mattered to me and I wouldn’t be able to see his smile, his eyes, to hear his voice and his laugh anymore. I just-

“Jean, are you okay?”

And then I puked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> If you want more JeanMarco content, take a look at my [Tumblr](https://keithmelance.tumblr.com/) or my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/KeithMeLance)!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rolls in early with shades and starbucks*
> 
> 'Sup? 
> 
> Not gonna lie, this chapter is pretty short because it's a filler :p  
> But they are still important infos being dropped in this chapter (like in every other), so keep your eyes and your mind open ;)

“Oh geez, Jean!”

Gladly we were both safe from my puke. Everything fell on the ground. That was the first time I had a panic attack so bad my body reacted badly in return. In front of Marco what’s more. Although, it wasn’t because of him I panicked, it was because of my relationship with him. Relationships: ruining my life since forever.

I wanted to blame it all on Marco. On this boy who jumped in my life and turned it upside-down. That would have been so fucking easier. He was the one who took control of my mind, who occupied each and every thought I could have. And because of him, I was afraid of losing him and being hurt. I didn’t want to be hurt again… I needed to make it all stop, to make people stop hurting me…

“Okay Jean, let’s get up I’m taking you back home.”

_Fuck you Marco._

My body suddenly weighted more, and I couldn’t move. My head was empty, and somehow still heavier than the rest of my body. I was feeling dizzy, the ground never seemed that comfortable. Like the grass could make the coziest mattress ever and was calling me to a sweet dreamful night surrounded by dog’s shit. 

“Come on, Jean.”

He grabbed my arm to pull me up. Then he helped me to walk. I leaned on me much more than I intended, touching him once too many. But I really needed a support or my balance would have left my body. And if it had to be Marco, then so be it. Better him than any other person I knew. I could trust him at least 1% more than anyone.

“Jean, what’s going on?”

His words brought me back to reality, and I realized I was too close to him. That happened quite a lot, no? I took a step back from him, and he held his hand out for me a short instant before taking it back. 

“I don’t know…”

“Okay, we’re going home now.”

I have to say his kinda authoritarian tone surprised me at first. But it did fit him well. He led the way out of the park, remembering the path better than I did when I discovered it. The streets were deserted, not even a cat to be seen. It was really calm and helped me to get progressively a little bit better.

The way to his car was longer than I remembered, maybe because that time we didn’t talk to each other. It made it easier to perceive the silence of the town at that time of the night. Even if I had no idea what time it was. I forgot to bring a watch as usual, and I left my phone in Marco’s car. Yeah, I know I didn’t mention it earlier, I forgot. Happened a lot.

“So,” Marco said as he put his seatbelt on, once we were back in the car. “Do you want me to drop you at your place, or do you want to go…”

I didn’t need him to finished his sentence to know what he meant. And honestly, I’ve had too much of him for the day. The make-over session, the dance, the whatever-happened at the park… I couldn’t take more. The best for me, for my mental health would have been a few days away from him. Hell yeah, that was the first thing I ever did for the sake of my mental health. You gotta start somewhere. Good thing winter break just started; I could have some time for myself. 

“Mine, please.”

“Okay. Seatbelt, Jean.”

“Oh, sorry.”

The ride was silent too. That didn’t help me to stay awake while my eyes were closing themselves every two seconds. I just wanted to fall asleep and let all my problems fade away for 10 hours straight. I’ll deal with everything in the morning (a sentence said too many times).

I wondered if maybe Marco was mad at me for throwing up during one of ‘our special moment’ and ruin it just like I know how to ruin everything. I never asked him what he thought about that. I must have looked pathetic. Hell, I don’t give a fuck. I’d rather look pathetic to him than to tell him what the fuck is going on in that stupid head of mine. He wouldn’t understand anyway.

“Jean wake up, we’re here.” I didn’t even notice.

“Hum… Wasn’t asleep.”

“Sure. You’ll be fine going on your own?”

“Yeah, I think I can manage.”

I opened the door and got out of the car in a clumsy way almost tripping over the step. No, I didn’t forget my phone that time, I carefully slipped in my pocket. Wait no, that wasn’t my pocket, that wasn’t even my own clothes.

“I’ll…I’ll wash the suit and give it back to you as soon as I can.”

“Take your time, I don’t need it right away.”

“Thank you for lending it to me. And for the popsicles. And for the makeup.”

“Anytime, Jean. But you sure it’s going to be okay for you?”

“Yeah. I’m no weak.”

“Of course. Just call me if anything happens.”

“Okay, thanks. See you, Marco.”

“Good night, Jean.”

I didn’t mean to slam the car’s door that hard, but I still did. My face twitched because of the loud noise, fearing that I might have wake up my parents. Still, it made Marco laugh. I smile and waved to him as he got out of the alley with a perfect maneuver. I stayed there a moment, appreciating the cold air and the loneliness. God, I liked to be alone.

When not even the thick jacket could protect my body from the cold, I got back into the house. As always, my parents were sleeping like they never do anything else but that. I took no detour through the kitchen and went directly to my bedroom, more precisely to my bed. Fortunately, I thought about changing clothes before falling down on it, because once it was done, I couldn’t get up.

I was right when I said I’d sleep 10 hours straight. I would have slept more, but the mess my mom was making downstairs woke me at 10am. I fucking hated her. What was she even doing? It sounded like she was rearranging the whole house without any regard for my sleep schedule. I heard some furniture moving, dishes getting moved too and many more things I couldn’t recognize.

After I got up, I realize I had forgotten to take the make up off. My pillow was covered with glitters and gold smudges. When I said I forgot a lot of things… I brought it to the bathroom and cleaned what was left on my face with some water. I looked like a piece of shit, as always. At least the make up made me look a little more… fabulous? And it ruined my favorite pillow. Which needed to be cleaned up anyway, I drooled too much on it. I grumbled all the way back to my bedroom, making sure to be as quiet as possible, so my mother didn’t hear.

Since I had nothing better to do other than wait for my mother to leave the house, I took my phone and looked at my social medias. The first thing I saw on Instagram was a picture Sasha posted showing her cheering on Connie drinking a huge bottle of beer in the middle of what seemed to be a wild party. I guessed they must have gone to someone’s after party when the winter formal ended. I couldn’t recognize the place. I felt bad for whoever had to deal with them.

Next pic was one of Reiner, shirtless and flexing in front of a mirror. Not something you want to see when you just woke up. I ignored it. But the next post was from Marco. it was a selfie of him, Sasha, Connie, Ymir, and Krista at the dance yesterday. They were all smiling and looking so damn happy. Oh and if you squinted hard enough, you could see me in the background holding my cup and looking like a lost child. Thank you Marco for posting this grim reminder of my ‘so great’ social life.

The best I could do was just to roll my eyes and swipe to the next pic. Another was of the prom, this time, from Armin. Again, they were all smiling on it but Mikasa (what’s new) and I just wanted to punch Eren’s perfect dentition. He looked like an idiot. Fuck, you could see me in the back on that one too. I was looking at my cup like there was a frog in it.

That made me think about our failure. The graffities that were useless in the end, and the school that diverted the student’s mind to something else to make them forget about what they did to these now dead kids. And it did work. It made me so fucking sick, I turned off my phone and went downstairs to see what my mom was up to.

I was right, she indeed was in the middle of a readjusting of the house. There was objects everywhere, from the ground to the expensive couch she never let anyone put their feet on. Some stuff I had forgotten about.

“Oh, _bonjour Jean.”_ She kept reminding me to speak french with her. Like I would give her that pleasure. I’d rather die.

“What the actual fuck, mom?”

“Language! And I thought this place might need a little more of… novelty.”

“Don’t do that when I sleep then.”

“How could I have known, Jeanbo. You’re almost never home.”

“Fuck no! I’m always here! You just never pay attention to me.”

“If you get out of your room more than just to go to the bathroom or the kitchen, then maybe yes.”

“I do! But you’re never there!”

“Come and see me then! Just to say hi!”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“I’m your mother.”

“You’re nothing to me but a person who keeps annoying me.”

I turned my back to her and went to the kitchen to have something to eat. I couldn’t remember how much I puked out the night before, and my stomach didn’t feel empty or anything; that was kinda weird. So I just took some toast. I was ready to put some butter on them when my mom interrupted.

“Oh, and by the way, I sent your college application to Sina’s University, for the political science- “

“You did what?”

She did what? She sent one of _my_ college application to a university I didn’t even want to go to? To study subjects I didn’t give a fuck about. Another example of how my mother doesn’t give a single fuck about me or what I want.

“Well, you don’t seem to do a lot for your future. So your father and I had to take the lead.”

“I never wanted that and you know it!”

“It’s for you, we want you to have the best education- “

“What about what _I_ want! That’s exactly what I said, you never listen to me.”

“Jean, wait please.”

I threw my middle finger at her and left the kitchen, forgetting my toasts like I seemed to forget everything those days. I didn’t even want to go back to my room, but I wasn’t going anywhere in town with my pajamas still on.

I couldn’t believe my shitty mother sent an application on my behalf. Do I need to say more to show you how bad of a mother she was? She had this urge to control my life and to shape me into the son she always dreamt of having. Too bad I didn’t fit her idea of perfection. Even if she paid for everything, I wouldn’t go to her stupid university in Sina. I had my own money, to set my own path. But she didn’t trust me with it and planned something in case I lose every cents I worked for.

I laid down on my bed, doing my best to ignore my phone laying beside me. There wasn’t anything else I could do to spend the day, without using it. I must make everything clear: I wasn’t addicted to my phone. It was just my favorite way to kill some time. And to prevent my brain from overthinking.

With what happened the day before, I wasn’t really in a mood to continue my Marco journal, or just to think about him in general. I had an overdose of Marco that night and if I closed my eyes and concentrated I could feel his hands on me. 

I couldn’t think of anything to do. None of the books on the shelves looked interesting, none of the shows on Netflix caught my eyes. It felt a curse had been cast upon me. I was obliged to be bored for the day. What’s more it was impossible for me to go downstairs, since my mother was busy making the house look even worse than before.

Now I know what you must be thinking: ‘Jean wow you’re so brave not taking your phone and living a real life outside internet!’. Well, fuck you because two minutes after, I gave in and took it back. So, yeah I might have been a little too attached to my phone, but nothing unhealthy.

And what could be a better thing to put all my energy in than to read fanfictions until there aren’t no more to read? Guess what, nothing. I read gay fanfictions all day long and nothing could stop me from doing that. Just, please, don’t ask about my ships.

Of course, I turned off the notifications to fully appreciate the quality of these E-rated one shots. The last thing I needed was a text from Marco in the middle of a nsfw scene. I knew what my imagination could do and I didn’t trust it on that one.

That seemed to announce a great and busy winter break for me. I’d have to deal with my family more than necessary without the option of going away. Because, you know, it was so fucking cold and a cute guy with a beanie can't fight low temperatures by himself, no matter how cute he is. I hate cold, snow, and basically, winter.

And Hannes always used to close during the end of the year, to have plenty of time to drink; so I couldn’t kill myself to work either. I just had to hope Reiner would throw one of his infamous ‘Happy New Christmas’ parties. They usually lasted a few days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, which meant a few days away from my parents and their insufferable celebrations. And they were so damn wild. Berthold told me one year someone brought a living pig who ended up in the pool.

Nothing like what I had to bear during the holidays. Each year, my father’s petty family organized a gathering, to bring the family back together after an entire year apart. That was just an excuse to share the latest drama on the family, who cheated on who, who divorced who and so on. Boring as fuck. Trust me when I say I’d rather stay locked in my room than to go.

Marco’s Christmas could have been better, if only he hadn’t been kicked out of his family. It must have seemed so weird to him, to spend the holidays alone with his grandma. Although it would be my dream, Marco was different. He likes people more than I did, and he liked to have a family, to spend some time with them.

Fuck, he must have had his heart broken when he had to leave them. To do like he forgot their existence just because of some college bullshit. He was forced to start over again far away from them. And what did he get in his new life? Me. Guess he did really lose on every side.

I’d like to say the day went by fast, but it didn’t. It was just me, going back and forth between my desk chair and my bed. Between my laptop and my phone. I watched some bad random movies I had in my hard disk for a while. I remembered why I never watched them: they were shitty as fuck.

I only sneaked out once during the day, when my mother was taking a shower. What can I say, a boy gotta eat at some point. I grabbed everything my hands could carry and went back to my room in no time. Surprisingly, cereals at 6pm aren’t that bad when you don’t care. That was my first meal since yesterday.

I fell asleep watching some episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Only I can get tired after doing absolutely nothing for a full day. That time I slept better and longer. Yay. And somehow I was still tired both mentally and physically. It’s important to note I’m tired mentally all the fucking time.

The first one of my daily mistakes was to turn on the notifications without mulling over it before. The second one was to tap on the messages Marco sent me a few minutes ago. _Only a few minutes ago?_ So he did really ignore me for the last day. The audacity. Why did I even bother to ignore him in the first place? And I thought the winter break was going to give me a break from him (lol pun).

**Marco**

_Hey_

_Connie offered to take us to the mall tomorrow_

_To shop for Christmas presents_

_R U up?_

No. And really, Connie couldn’t send me a simple text, he had to ask through Marco? That’s was the dumbest move ever, couldn’t expect more from Connie. What a coward. I knew he wasn’t very keen on me, but was that really hard to send a single text? Fuck him.

**Me**

_Depend_

_Who else is tagging along?_

**Marco**

_Oh no, I can see what’s coming_

_I’m not telling you :p_

**Me**

_Then don’t count me in_

**Marco**

_Come on, Jean_

_It’ll be fun_

**Me**

_Not if shit-ass-Jaeger is there to ruin it_

**Marco**

_He won’t be there, if that’s what bothering you, you baby._

_Is that good for you?_

I couldn’t believe he dared to call me a baby. Fuck I was nearly a grown-up. All of that just because I don’t like that stupid Eren. That was his fault.

**Me**

_…_

_Yeah_

**Marco**

_Great! I can’t wait!_

**Me**

_Me neither._

Oh yeah, really I couldn’t wait. So excited. Wow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you<3


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping and fun

I arrived at 2pm at the mall, it was a week before Christmas. As expected it was overcrowded, but it wasn’t going to stop the dumbasses I came with, i.e. Connie, Sasha, Marco, and Ymir. Excluded from the dumbasses were Mikasa and Armin. I didn’t know why Eren wasn’t here and I couldn’t give less fuck about him. I hoped he was dying.

“I need to buy clothes, make up, a new video game, an umbrella, food…” started enumerating Sasha while counting on her fingers.

Unlike her, I didn’t plan on buying anything. And to make sure of that, I didn’t bring any money with me. Like, come on, I needed that to run away from my parents next year. The others had taken all their savings to buy gift for their family or their friends. _And I’ll be just wandering around._

Inside the mall, it was hot as fuck. I immediately regretted dressing up warm for the day. I took off my scarf; even if for once I thought about putting it on; and shoved it inside my pocket. It didn’t fit and make it look like I was not so subtlety stealing something.

“You can put it in my bag if you want,” offered Marco. He, indeed, had a bag, a small black and silver one. Very cute.

“Yes, thank you.” I gave it, or more like threw it, at him and he folded it before carefully slipping it into the bag. How could someone who do this have such a messy room?

Connie and Sasha were already jumping everywhere, from window to window pointing at things and stuff. Armin ran after them, in a desperate try to stick together which made Ymir laugh. It was like watching a mom chasing after her five-year-old kids. I guess he and Mikasa must have been trained for that, since they are used to it thanks to Eren and his never stopping bullshit.

First, we all went to the clothes store. It didn’t matter to me, since I wasn’t going to buy anything that day. Two seconds after we got in, Sasha had disappeared. And just after, it was Connie’s turn. On her side, Ymir looked for cute dresses to buy for Krista, and honestly I pitied her seeing how little covering the dresses were. Armin and Marco went to look for shirts and I stayed with Mikasa, who had as much interest for this than me. None. I decided to talk to her, to make it less awkward.

“So… Why did you agree to come here?” I’m a great conversationalist, I know.

“Why did you?”

“Marco made me.”

“Armin made me.”

“Nice.”

“You know, I never told you but I’m glad you met Marco.”

“What?”

“For a while, you’ve been out of yourself. Your grades dropped and you became more and more irritable and grumpy. But since Marco arrived, you improved a little bit.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Thanks Marco. But I wished it would have made your relationship with Eren a little better.”

“Haha, no.”

“You two have a lot in common. If you could just put aside the past mistakes, I think you two could get along pretty well.”

You see? That was the kind of thinking I was supposed to have, as a (almost) mature adult. But no matter how hard I tried; I couldn’t be nice to that asshole. He just ruined every of my effort by being a colossal dickhead.

Although, I really liked Mikasa. As a friend I mean. She made clear in sixth grade that I had more chances to meet Michael Jackson alive than to date her. Her words, not mine. Still I was glad I could have her as a friend. Or a childhood friend, call that whatever you want.

During our time at the clothes store, we didn’t see Sasha at all, Ymir showed us more dresses and Mikasa had to give her a talk about decency. Marco and Armin asked my opinion about some stuff, since apparently I was the most fashionable person of the group. They set the bar pretty low though. But it gave me the right to judge their outfits and to tell Connie to put that back when he arrived with a set of ugly Christmas sweaters. I’d rather die.

In the end, only Ymir and Armin bought something. As they both got in line to pay, Armin eyed strangely what Ymir had chosen.

“Isn’t that dress a little too-?”

“No.”

“Cold?”

“Haha…Now you that say it…Aww, that’ll make her come into my arms for warmth!”

Mikasa and I both rolled our eyes at the same time. At least Krista wasn’t actually there, it would have been so much worse.

“Alright gang, where do you wanna go?”

Gang? Connie was really there thinking we were all friends together like some sort of silly children show. Next thing you know we’ll be the “ _something”_ squad, and we’ll all get matching tattoos that we’re going to regret right after.

“Oh, oh, I have an idea!” Exclaimed Sasha while raising her hand like she was in class.

“Yes, Sash?”

“Hot Topic.”

“Good choice.”

Well, considering this group was composed of a bunch of nerds, that had to happen. And if Sasha and Connie were the only one excessively showing their enthusiasm, I could still see the spark in Marco’s eyes, or Armin clapping his hands lightly, and Mikasa hiding a tiny smile behind her hair. Told you, they’re nerds.

But, no surprise, the Hot Topic store was full of emo teenagers already. How surprising. That time, they decided to stay together as we strolled the shop. They touched things and stuff, picking items before seeing the price and putting it back. I just followed them without a word, hands in my pocket. I know I may have looked like that one friend who can’t have fun and ruin everyone’s afternoon. But I was.

This time everyone bought something. Fucking nerds. And they were all in line, waiting to pay and judging the other’s fandoms in silence. God I was glad I didn’t pick anything. And bold of you to assume I didn’t look at what they all choose. Marco had a Stanger Things funko pop, a folded shirt (I couldn’t see what was on it) and an Avengers mug. Mikasa had all dark and edgy clothes, like her usual style. Armin had some Harry Potter shit; Ymir had a bright pink skirt which I assume was for Krista. Someone was getting spoiled this Christmas.

Unfortunately, I was stopped in the middle of my observations.

“You’re not buying anything?”

No shit Sherlock. Not that I didn’t find anything I’d like to have. There was this cool jacket, a figurine, and a poster I could have bought.

“No. I don’t have any money.”

“That’s rich coming from you, Kirstein.”

“Shut up Ymir.”

I crossed my arms and stood next to Marco until all of them were done.

“What is that shirt?”

“Oh...” He leaned towards me. “It’s a My Chemical Romance shirt,” he whispered like he was ashamed of it.

“Pfft, you’re such a nerd.”

“We could go to the video games store now?” Connie interrupted.

“Hell yeah! I need new games for my Switch.”

Were any of them going to buy something for Christmas? Or were they just shopping for themselves? 

“Didn’t Eren said he wanted the new …huh…you know… Come on Mikasa, he told us!”

“It’s where you have to kill people I think.”

Woah, they would have gone so far with that. But it was for Eren, so I stayed out of it, even though I could have had a little idea on what game it was.

“Sorry guys,” said Marco. “But we’ll skip this one.” By we, he meant him and I.

“Okay. Let’s meet at the Starbucks after?”

“Hurry then, because I reallyyyyyyy need some coffee,” cried out Ymir.

“See you there.”

As the rest of the group walked away, Marco and I stayed still like statues. Until I decided to walk away in the direction of the exit. That was more instinct that a decision I made.

“Hey Jean.” Marco stopped me.

“What?” That was useless, I knew already he was going to ask me if I was okay. He did that all the time, it used to drive me crazy.

“You good?”

“Yeah, of course.” Remember kids, if you’re going to lie, be sure you don’t make everything seems perfectly and unrealistically fine. “It’s just, Christmas is a hard time for me, you know, with my parents…”

“Oh, sorry I insisted for you to come to this today.”

“No. It makes me think about something else so it’s fine.”

I sounded so damn selfish. Like, dude, his family situation was even worse than mine. I shouldn't have complained about that to him. But it’s like that, I always regret things I did, I said, I heard. At a point where going back in time would be pointless, I might as well start over my whole fucking life again.

“You want to help me pick a gift for my little brother?”

“Sure.”

I followed him into a toy store nearby. There was a shit ton of lost adults panicking in there, each of them holding a list of toys their kids must have written for Santa Claus. Why I’ll never have kids, reason number 1: they cost a hella lots of money, from the moment they’re born, to the moment they’ll die.

“How old is he?” I asked as he seemed to go nowhere, having no idea what to get for his brother.

“Eight.”

“Hum… Maybe some Legos then?”

“That’s not a bad idea! He could play with it when mom’s not home.”

I didn’t expect that but okay. Personally, I would have loved to get Lego for Christmas. But all I ever got was books or money. My parents didn’t bother to do all the Santa Claus bullshit, they told right away it was a lie when I ask them. I was four.

“Wait, does he still believe in Santa Claus?”

“No, Lisa told him. I was mad at her for a week after, but it’s better. He’ll know this present is from me. And that I haven’t forgotten about him.”

“I’m sure he knows it.”

Marco gave me a small smile, like the ‘thanks but no thanks’ kind. We quickly found the Lego corner, and he chose a big box containing random pieces of all colors. 2000+ bricks to be exact. Damn, I didn’t know him, but he was a lucky boy. Marco was the big brother every kid dreams of.

“I’ve been wondering,” I finally asked. “How many siblings do you have?”

“Three. Two little sisters, Lisa 14 and Ellie 11, and a little brother Theo 8.”

“Wow.”

“I know, we’re…we were a big family.”

‘It must have been hard sometimes.”

“Yeah, but I only have the good memories in mind.”

He smiled softly as he looked down at the box he was carrying in his arms. I led the way to the checkout.

“What are you gonna get for Lisa and Ellie?”

“Oh, I got something for Lisa already, the funko pop I bought at Hot Topic. And I planned on getting Ellie some book.”

“Nice. You’re really thoughtful.”

“Thank you. But I still don’t know what to get for mom.”

“Uhh…I can’t really help you on that one.”

“I know, and I’m not asking you to. I’ll discuss it with gran later. She’ll know what to do.”

“Grandmas know better.”

“They’re so wise.”

“How do they get their wisdom? Like when they became grandmothers they are hit by the ultimate knowledge on the universe?”

“If you want Jean,” Marco laughed. Then he paused himself, thinking about something “Aren’t you going to get a present for your family?”

“Absolutely not. I get them nothing and they get me the same. My father never bothered to buy me anything, he just gave me money when I asked. And my mother… she gave up a few years ago.”

“So, you don’t get presents for Christmas?”

“No. I like it better that way. I don’t want to accept anything from them.”

Marco didn’t answer, he just kept walking with the box. I knew what he must have thought of me, I was an ungrateful bastard who hated everyone. I mean, he was kinda right. And naughty kids don’t get presents.

He paid for the box and for a plastic bag to carry it around. We got out and went to the Starbucks. The others were waiting for us, and Ymir had already ordered something. I was in the desperate need of some coffee or caffeine, but I had no money. Lmao. Whatever, I always felt bad when I spent my money on something that didn’t last, like food or to the movies.

Armin, Mikasa and Connie ordered something too. And I stood there, sitting beside them like I didn’t fit in. Wait no, _I didn’t fit in._

“Oh shoot!” Suddenly exclaimed Sasha, slamming her hand on the table we were all sitting at.

“What?”

“I forgot to get my mom a present!”

“Oh no.” I sarcastically answered.

“Marco! Jean! Come with me!”

She grabbed our arms and pulled us out. I freed my arm from her, but Marco gladly let her keep his until she brought us to some store.

“I’ll get her some jewelry. All grow-up women like that, right?”

“Yes…”

She pushed us in, and immediately start to look at everything. I let her and Marco discussing the best for her mother, and I took quick look at the shop myself. They were selling some good stuff; it was cheap but didn’t look like it. There were three persons inside, and it was nice to be in a not overcrowded place.

I’ve never been too much of an ‘accessories’ kind of guy, like I didn’t feel the need to add more stuff to an outfit. Although I would have loved to get a piercing someday. But in the middle of all these rings, necklaces, bracelets and more dubious chains stuff, something caught my eye. It was a small pendant on a long silver string, representing two wings, blue and white. I found it really pretty.

While I was admiring it, Sasha made her choice. She bought a golden ornament for her mother, claiming she’ll love it so much the others presents will look like shit. I rolled my eyes.

“She always says she’s got nothing to wear with her dresses,” Sasha explained to me while we were going back to the Starbucks. “Now, she’ll have no excuse. Even dad’s present won’t be this good. Oh, I hope I’ll have chocolates…”

I listened to her rambling until we got back to the other. They all had finished their drinks and were ready to go.

“Marco wasn’t with you?” asked Armin.

Sasha and I turned back at the same time, to see that Marco was missing. I thought he was following us quietly. I was ready to get my phone out to call him when he arrived in the coffeeshop.

“Where were you?”

“Sorry, I stopped somewhere and I lost you.” He scratched the back of his neck. I don’t know why, but it sounded a lot like a lie. From Marco, it wouldn’t be the first and certainly not the last time.

Nothing interesting happened in the rest of the afternoon. We went to the library, where Armin and Marco got crazy and bought so many books. I knew Armin was smart, no doubt about that. But what about Marco? I had no idea if he was intelligent, smart or a genius. That bugged me a lot.

Then Sasha brought us to a candy store which none of us knew was still existing. She literally bought 40 dollar of candies. I swear, something wrong with that girl. After visiting some more stores, it was time for us to say goodbye and leave. I got surprised with the cold outside and had to close my coat. There were dark clouds all over the sky, announcing rain would soon be falling. Luckily, Ymir had her truck with her, and she took Mikasa and Armin with her. Connie’s mother was there to pick him up and Sasha took the opportunity to not pay a ride on the bus.

Once more, I was alone with Marco. _Thanks guys._ We waited for the bus together in silence, my eyes stuck on all the bags Marco had. Someone had money to waste. But most of it wasn’t even for him. Geez, he was too nice for his own good.

“I hope they’ll be happy with what I got them.”

“They will. It’s not about the present, it’s about the meaning.” I was kinda proud of what I said.

“Yeah…” The bus arrived, we got in, and no surprise, Marco sat next to me.

“So, your sister like Stanger Things?”

“She’s a hardcore fan. She made me watch the entire show at least ten times. That’s her thing, scary stuff like that…”

“Not yours?”

“Oh god no! I hate horror movies and thriller. But she just loves it and I can’t let her show that to Ellie or Theo… We used to make cocoons with blankets and watch them in the dark. Every time I jumped out of fear she would laugh and-…”

He passionately talked about his family for the rest of the ride to my stop. I could tell he really loved them and that broke my heart to know he wouldn't get to see them for Christmas or for the New Year. Hell, he must even had missed their birthdays. And when he talked about how he used to give his books to Ellie because she loves reading, how he played outside with Theo, it just made me super sad for him. He was so nice and yet he had to go through hell.

Then the bus made it to my stop, and I had to leave him. But some weird part of me thought I shouldn’t have left him alone. Weird.

And just when I walked away, it began to rain. Aw, fuck. I couldn’t get luckier than that. And it wasn’t just some little drops, no, it was the whole cloud falling on me. It was when my neck got really cold that I realized Marco still had my scarf. I hurried to put the hood of my coat on and shoved my hands in my pockets. My fingers collided with something solid.

Why was there something in my pocket?

I ran until I found someplace safe from the rain, under an enormous tree. I got out a small rectangular black box. It wasn’t heavy at all, that’s why I didn’t felt it in my pocket. A red ribbon was closing it neatly, and a little card was attached to it. It said:

_‘For Jean._

_You deserve to have a Christmas present too._

_Marco xx’_

Put aside the fact that this was one of the sweetest thing someone did for me, I wondered how could have Marco slipped it into my pocket without me noticing? And if he could do that, did it meant he could have stolen my stuff easily? What the hell Marco.

I opened it with a shaky hand. Inside, laid the necklace I had look at earlier. Fucking Marco. That idiot knew what he was doing. I thought about putting it on right away, but it wasn’t a good idea, with the rain and all. So I closed the box and hide it safely in my pocket before facing the rain once again.

I was smiling like an idiot all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas

One week later.

I woke up to the sweet sound of my parents arguing. What a nice way to start Christmas Eve. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I sure did know they were yelling with all their heart.

I stayed in my bed for 15 minutes, looking angrily at the ceiling. Christmas was the worst part of the year for me. My parents dragged to all kind of celebrations, with their friends, their colleague, and their awful family. People always said the same thing to me: “Look how you grow up! You’re almost an adult now!”; “What are planning to do? Wouldn’t you want to be like your father?”; “Can’t you smile?”

From one of my nightstand’s drawer, I took my Marco journal. It was starting to have plenty of information in it, the notebook was half full. The last thing I wrote was a more detailed look on his family. I knew there were six, maybe with one or more cat. Marco never mentioned a dog, so I could be pretty sure there hadn’t got any.

I also noted Marco bought me a whole fucking necklace for nO APParEnT ReaSoN. Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty and I liked it a lot. But Marco giving it to me? That was so weird. And since he offered it, should I give something to him too for Christmas? I was confused. But I did thank him for it.

Around noon, I managed to get up. I dragged my feet through my room to grab my phone on my desk. The only text I’ve received was a selfie from Marco. He was in the kitchen, and behind him was a total mess. I guessed he and Irene must have prepared a special dinner for that night.

At least his evening seemed a lot more fun than mine. But I couldn’t just ditch the party and hang with them for the night. One thing mattered for my parents: I had to be satisfactory for their friends. Understand by that, they have standards, and going to party to show me off was one of them.

What’s more, the party wasn’t host at home that year. Spending the night in my room watching Christmas episodes of my shows wasn’t an option. Neither was running away and spending the night at the park. I was stuck.

When I got out of my room, the bright light hurt my eyes. A sign I spent too much time in there.

“Oh, hello Jeanbo!”

“gnegnegne…”

“Something came for you with the mail this morning. I put it in the kitchen for you.”

Well, that was unusual. I never got anything in the mail, except maybe some letter from the school to tell me I had been too absent during a semester. But I would have never guessed it wasn’t just a letter that arrived. On the table in the kitchen was a whole package, the size of a microwave oven.

“What the fuck?”

It had my name and my address on it, so it couldn’t be a mistake. I took a knife to cut it open. There could have been a bomb in it, so I opened slowly. But there was no bomb in it. Only a giant plush horse alongside with a small note.

‘ _I read somewhere horses feel bad when they’re alone._

_Have a friend!_

_Marco ;)’_

I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him, to punch him or to stop talking to him forever. Maybe all at once.

“Fuck him!” I screamed while slamming the paper on the counter. If he wanted to get me mad, he succeeded. He knew I hated that horse running joke from the beginning. Still he had fun using it on me.

**Me**

_What the fuck was that for?_

**Marco**

_What?_

**Me**

_Don’t play with me_

_Yn what I’m talking about_

_The fucking horse_

**Marco**

_Oh you got it?_

_I was afraid it got lost, or didn’t arrive in time_

**Me**

_WTF MARCO_

_U KNOW I HATE THAT NICKNAME_

**Marco**

_I know, sorry_

_Just thought the plush look a bit like you_

_Unrelated to the whole horse thing I mean_

**Me**

_???_

**Marco**

_You two have the same grumpy facial expression_

_> :(_

That made me look more closely at the plush. I saw the brown horse wasn’t smiling, and you could imagine he was frowning since you know, it had no eyebrows. But I didn’t think that fucking thing look anything like me. Marco needed glasses. Maybe because of the colors of his mane that was the same light brown as my hair? I don’t know.

Fuck that had to be the first time someone offered me a plush. And a cute one. Damn that was so fucking kind. And I was there, like an idiot, getting spoiled and not giving him anything in return but my attitude. I wondered what I could get him. Some book would have been the first option, if I even could pick something he didn’t read already.

Maybe a mug, a poster, something nerdy that would cost me two time the usual price just because there’s the logo of a franchise on it…

“Be ready by 5, son.” My father interrupted me. That asshole wasn’t even paying attention to me, he was on the phone with a client I guessed. He was really punctual, if you made him late, you could possibly end up dead.

I left him on read and got back to my room with the small horse and the note. I slipped it between the pages of my Marco journal. And the horse got a VIP sit next to my pillow on my bed.

“You need a name…” I wasn’t going to call it ‘the horse’ until the end of the time. And Marco would probably want to give it one if I told him I hadn’t. I didn’t want my first plush to be called Patricia. Since it looked _so much_ like me, I went for Jean Junior. Pretty self-centered, but still better than Patricia (no offense Patricia’s).

Junior’s lifeless eyes watched me as I spent the day on internet, browsing to find a gift for Marco. I tried to remember if he mentioned something he needed once, but nothing came up. As much as he talked about himself to me, he never told me the things he wanted. Damn, if I knew I would’ve paid him more attention. Marco deserved more attention than what I could give him anyway.

The best thing I could come up with was to buy him a plush in return, one that would ‘look’ like him. I thought about a cat I would draw freckles on with a pen. That sounded so lame to me. My parents always gave a bottle of over expensive champagne to everyone at Christmas. And that was going to be my turn when I would turn eighteen, the legal age to drink alcohol.

Since the cat was the best thing I could think of, I rolled with it. I could have bought it right away, ordering it online, but I didn’t trust Amazon, and neither should you. So I just looked up for the nearest store to buy it. If I got it before I saw Marco, I would be fine. But I had no idea how to go there.

On the 25th, there was no buses, that was my luck. The better I could do was to buy it on the 26th. I was determined to go through that just for Marco. That fucker knew how to make me feel guilty.

At least the Christmas’ Eve party of that night could help me think about something else than freckled sunshine boy. My mother had gotten a suit ready for me. And of course, there was a bowtie, I inadvertently forgot to put on. What a shame. Well, the suit was enough already. I got ready by 5, what did they wanted more? I also hesitated to put on the necklace Marco gave me, but I didn’t. It was too precious for me to wear. I didn’t want to break it or lose it.

During the ride in my father’s car, who heavily smelled like car wash, no one said a word. My mother only opened her mouth once we arrived to tell me to behave. An order I had gladly disobeyed. The house, no sorry the fucking mansion, we were invited in was already full on rich bastards when we arrived. I was sure that was because my father wanted to make an impression.

The room we were all in was decorated in all gold, even the Christmas tree they set up in a corner was gold. It hurt my eyes. Everyone was chatting in small groups scattered all around the room with glasses full of champagne in their hands. That was surely less entertaining than Reiner’s parties.

I didn’t know who the person who invited us was. My father introduced me to them, a _lovely_ couple, but he never said what was his relation to them. Maybe friends, colleagues, or family. Whatever. I was supposed to be spending that night alone, and I was extremely upset to have to attend a party I didn’t gave a fuck about. And trust me I was going to show all the guests how upset I was.

That started by not greeting anyone, refusing to shake hands with whoever that white middle-aged guy was. My mom elbowed me, but I still shook hands with no one that night. Who knows what they touched with them. Ugh. But she found the perfect parade, every time she introduced me to someone, she told them I was a little shy and reserved.

I know I could have gone bold and straight up tell them my mom was bullshitting the whole thing, that she was just a manipulative bitch, tell them how lame this fucking party was, how they all sucked, how I wanted to ruin this ‘gathering’, how I hated them so much… But I kept my calm. The only thing I had to do was stand there in the middle of these high-class people and shut the fuck up.

It wasn’t like I wanted to be part of their ‘adult’ conversations. They only talked about money, profit, trade, business, and shit. I hoped they didn’t expect a seventeen-year-old to be at ease with that.

Lucky me, Annie was there. I spotted her next to a table full of glasses. Her parents were part of the same circle of wealthy friends my own parents were in. We used to see each other a lot when we were around eight years old. But as time went by, we drifted further and further from each other, to the point where the only time we would talk was at the gym or at these kind of parties once a year.

“I guess you hate it as much as I do,” I said as a approached her. Now that I think of it, I have no memories of her smiling.

“Yeah…”

We stayed by the table, grabbing stuff from time to time and talking about school. Annie seemed to do well. She had merit to keep up with school and to manage to work out and train every week. My lazy ass could never do that. The time I spent with her was nice, she was better than all the persons in the room.

In the middle of telling her what we did at the school for the student who killed themselves, she approved by the way, I noticed a man looking at me. No, he wasn’t looking at me, he was staring at my butt with… Lust? And he saw I saw him. He didn’t even flinch, but instead smiled at me and winked. He was probably around 70. To think about what he wanted to do with me almost made me puke. My fist burned of hitting his face. I could feel the heat of anger filling my body. 

“I need a way out of here.” I murmured to Annie. At first I thought she didn’t hear me because she didn’t react at all. But she finally said:

“I can give you one.”

“Really? Do it.” She nodded at me. That was Annie, so I didn’t expect a sophisticated plan somehow including a trip through the vents, but still she surprised me.

“Okay. You wanted it.”

She grabbed a glass of champagne on the table by us and pour everything on me. It was fucking cold and sticky and smelled like shit. I may have let out a little scream of surprise that made people stare at us. It sure cooled me down instantly.

“Oops.” Annie said, looking nothing like sorry and gracefully putting the glass back on the table.

“Fuck you.”

“Oh god, Jean what happened?” My mother ran at me like _I_ did something bad. Not ‘Are you okay Jean’ or ‘do you need help’.

“I tripped.” Annie answered, showing no emotion but disdain.

“Let’s bring you to a bathroom.”

“I can do it, Mrs. Kirstein.”

“You’d be lovely. Thank you Annie.”

Without any further word for me, she left us to get back on whatever conversation she was having.

“Wow,” Annie remarqued. “She really gives no fuck about you.”

“Thanks, I didn’t notice. Now help me for real.”

Needless to say we didn’t go to the bathroom. Annie seemed to know the place pretty well, and she guided us through the endless corridors. She had a quick pace I had a hard time to keep up. I envied her this self-confidence and the assurance she always seemed to have. Don’t know if she was really that confident.

She led us to a small door that opened on the garden. It was pretty dark; I didn’t realize how much time had passed since I arrived. But we couldn’t see a thing. With all the money they must have spent on this fucking mansion, couldn’t they afford to put some lights outside? Annie didn’t hesitate before stepping outside.

“Where are we going?”

“No, where are _you_ going?”

“What do you mean?”

“I have things to do and places to be. Do your own stuff.”

“How nice of you.”

“I’m not your babysitter.”

With those words, she left me. I walked angrily in the opposite direction, not knowing at all where I was going. Fuck, I was covered in champagne more expensive than an iPhone, I was cold, and in an unknown place. Worst case scenario. I only realize then that following Annie was a bad decision. I’m collecting them all.

At least I had my phone with me. I used its light to find a way through the wood that surrounded the mansion. It didn’t count as trespassing, right? But wandering aimlessly into the wood around midnight didn’t scare me as much as the old man licking his lips while checking me out. I shivered, but not from the cold.

I had nothing to do, so I went on Instagram and had the surprise to see Marco was online. At that time of the night? He was getting a bit reckless… He must have seen I was online too, because a few seconds passed and he was calling me.

“ _Hey Jean. How’s the party going?”_ Of course I told him about this shitty party for grown up with a broom in their ass. I thought, maybe, if I complained enough he’d played the white knight and come to save me from this torture. Next time, I’ll be clearer.

“I don’t know, I’m not there anymore.”

“ _What? Where are you right now Jean?”_ He sounded very worried, even if all I did was to get out of a stupid mansion to escape a stupider party. Maybe more the people than the party itself.

“I’m outside, living my best life.” Actually, I was lost in the middle of nowhere and I had no idea how to get back. I should’ve stayed with Annie.

“ _Don’t tell me you ran away._ ”

“I’m telling you then. But that’s what we did.”

“O _h my god, Jean you’re irredeemable._ ”

“Thank you. Not sleeping yet?”

“ _No, I’m watching a movie.”_

“I bet it’s the Grinch.”

“ _Hey! I’m not that old-fashioned._ ”

“Marco, what is it?”

“ _…”_

“Marco?”

“ _Home Alone.”_

“I knew it!” I laughed. Marco was a bit predictable when it came to movies. “Couldn’t be more of a cliché.”

“ _My siblings are watching it right now too. It’s kinda like I’m with them._ ”

“Oh. Christmas tradition?”

_“You could say that.”_

“Irene isn’t with you?”

_“She left to go to sleep twenty or thirty minutes ago. I’m all by myself.”_

“Me too. Annie ditched me as soon as we were out.”

_“That’s Annie, what did you expect?”_

“Hehe, that’s right.”

_“By the way, are you doing something tomorrow?”_

“Yes, sleeping.” I planned on falling face into my bed and not moving for the next twelve hours.

 _“Okay,”_ he giggled lightly _. “What about the day after?”_

“26th?”

_“Yeah.”_

“Nah, nothing planned.” I lied. I had to buy you a gift that day, you dumbass. I guessed I could still go before coming over to his house.

_“You wanna, maybe, come here a bit? To hang out, you know…”_

“Why not.”

“ _We could start our homework together.”_ Forget I said anything about him getting reckless. I couldn’t believe he thought about homework on Christmas’ day. He was too much of a nerd for me to handle. I promised myself there would be no homework done on that day.

“Or not.”

_“You have to do them at some point, Jean.”_

“You’re right.” But that didn’t mean I would do them.

“ _To quote you, I’m always right.”_

“Yeah, but not as much as me.”

_“No, not as much as you…Oh, while I still remember, could you please bring your physics book? I left mine in my locker.”_

_“_ Noted. I’ll make sure to bring Jean Junior too, so he’s less alone.” I joked.

“ _…your what?...”_ Marco sounded like he was choking, and I got a bit worried.

“Jean Junior?”

“ _…The…UH…what are you…”_ he stammered with a weak and shaky voice.

 _“_ The horse?...” I didn’t understand his reaction, but maybe he had seen something on TV or whatever.

“ _Fucking Christ Jean, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”_

“Well, you didn’t ask how I named it!”

“ _You named the horse Jean Junior?”_

“What? Is that the worse name?”

 _“No Jean, it’s the best. I couldn’t have found anything better than that!”_ he laughed and I could hear him move on his couch. “ _And it’s yours, so you get to name it.”_

“Damn right.”

_“You should get back inside, Jean.”_

“No, why the fuck would I do that?”

_“I can hear you freezing from here. Don’t want you to catch a cold.”_

“I know you’ll take care of me if that ever happens.”

_“Not if you purposely get sick. Now get back inside.”_

“Okay mom.”

_“Pfft, talk to you later, my brat.”_

I couldn’t find an insult for him, he hanged up before I could. Since I was getting cold, I tried to walk back to the mansion. Which was in fact not that hard since I only had to follow the bright lights coming from it. I swear you could see them from the other side of Earth.

It only hit me I was still soaked in champagne when I find the door we used to get out. I decided to fuck it, I wasn’t planning on staying long after. I had to find a way to make my parents leave earlier than they was supposed to. But gladly, I found one.

I burst through the doors like a king, slamming them loudly. The chattering immediately stopped. I had the impression to hold so much power, I was unstoppable. A look at the room, and I was gone. I found the guy who looked at my ass and went towards him. I counted on the fact he was staring at my shirt sticking to my skin because of the champagne, because like that he didn’t see my punch coming.

He stumbled and fall over, blood coming out of his nose. Watching Reiner and Berthold throwing punches at each other finally paid off. Loud gasps echoed in the room, covering the sound of my laugh.

“Fucking pervert,” I said before spitting on him. _I was unstoppable._

I’ve never felt prouder and more satisfied than when I looked at him bleeding on the ground, his eyes not filled with lust anymore. But it didn’t last long. Someone grabbed my arm.

“What have you done?”

My father was completely red and mad at me. It was more successful than I intended.

“He’s a pedophile. He got less than what he deserves.”

“We’re leaving, now.”

Good, I thought. He didn’t let go of my arm until we were back at the car. My mother followed us, embarrassed by my behavior. Even better. I didn’t care about the consequences; I punched a disgusting old man and nothing could reach me.

My father fell asleep as soon as he sat on the passenger seat. I guess it must have been exhausting to pretend to be perfect and having an idyllic life and to have it all ruined by your bitchy son. And maybe because of the alcohol.

“So, Jean…I saw you leaving with Annie earlier, is there something between you two?”

Normally, I would’ve let my mom think what she wanted about my love life, there wasn’t that much to find out anyway, but that time, that time precisely I stood up for myself. No way I would let her believe I was in love with Annie, or with anyone. She, just like dad, hoped I was going to give them beautiful grandchildren, born from a happy marriage with a woman from a good family. I let them hope.

“Hell no. I’d rather die.”

I’d never do something as stupid as falling in love.

That’s what I thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irrelevant, but this is the longest chapter for now and I cut some parts out O_O  
> Talking about cutting parts, I have some chapters and scenes written for this fic that didn't make it to the final product, and I was wondering if you guys wanted to read them? If yes, how? I was thinking about putting them on my Tumblr, but if you have better ideas, I'd be glad to hear them out! ;)

Hum. So, I didn’t get grounded. Luckily. I caused some big trouble at the party and it would’ve been surprising if my parents did. But no. I heard the guy had to go to the hospital and were asking my parents for money. I punched a pedophile and made my parents lose money, double win. Although I was a bit mad he got money, he could always fix his nose so I could have the pleasure to break it again. Punching that pervert had gave me so much adrenaline, I hadn’t felt that way for years. It made me want to start again.

Just like I said to Marco, I slept all day long. Almost. I wouldn’t have missed anything, my parents were working in their office at home, and there wasn’t any lunch prepared to celebrate Christmas properly. A typical Christmas day in the Kirstein family.

I watched a show to make the afternoon less annoying. Marco seemed to be off that day, and I had no one else to talk to. What a shame. It was weird to think that last year I wouldn’t even have thought about talking regularly to someone. It would’ve been just a waste of time for me. And look at me a year later, waiting impatiently for a text from Marco.

I only got one the next day, to ask me when I was planning to arrive. I calculated the time I needed to buy his present and to do all the way back to his house. It could take an hour and a half, maybe two. The buses were really a pain in the ass, and in these kind of time, I wished I had a driver’s license and a car.

So, I left at noon, my wallet in my pocket (lmao that rhymes), Junior in my backpack, and ready to face two bus rides alone.

“Be strong Jean, be strong for Marco.”

It wasn’t even that hard. There was less creepy dudes at noon, and for the better. I’ve had enough of weird old men. I didn’t even pay attention to the people in there with me, I was focused on the plushie I needed to buy. I knew it wasn’t the best gift, and if I had more information about Marco, I could have gotten him something better than just a carbon copy of what he gave me.

When the bus stopped at the mall, I rushed out of it. And since I have at least two neurons functioning, I knew already where the toy store was. I’m effective when I put myself to it, and you couldn’t stop me. Even the automatic doors were too slow for me.

I didn’t run in the store, even if I urged to. When I came with Marco a week before, we didn’t saw the whole store, so I lost time finding the right aisle, in the middle of Barbies and Pokémon cards. There wasn’t as much plushies as I remembered. Back when I was a kid, you could choose your favorite in the middle of thousands of stuffed animals.

Well, at least I had no trouble finding the one for Marco. A black and white cat advertised as ‘real size!’, like that was the only thing that made it great. I guess it’s harder to use it to advertise a horse plush. But it surely was as squishy as the ad said.

It had only been 45 minutes when I left the store. If the bus wasn’t late, I could be at Marco’s in half an hour or even less. I gotta admit I was waiting for this afternoon. That was an opportunity to think about something else than my family, or my life in general. I could just put on my brain on sleep mode and listen to Marco’s cute rambling about his siblings, his mother, Christmas and more.

And of course, when I wanted to do just one fucking thing, the whole world was against it. The bus was twenty minutes late. First of all, I hate being late. Second of all, I hate it even more when other people are making me late.

It took the entire bus ride to notice it was a sunny day. Cold, but sunny. I like the sun better when it’s not on my face. Gladly, I had picked my seat so the sun never touched me.

Thirty minutes later, and with a total of two hours and ten minutes for the trip, I was in front of Marco’s house. I’ve never visited someone more than him. I didn’t even have to knock; Marco opened the door before I could. He must have been waiting for me by the window like a creep.

“Hey Jean!”

He opened his arm wide, expecting a hug from me.

“You’re blocking the way,” I simply said.

“Come on Jean, not even a small hug?”

“You can dream, Bodt.”

“You’re so mean, Kirstein.”

He pouted but still stepped aside and let me in. I was disappointed to not smell the delicious scent of homemade cookies. That was one thing I wouldn’t have minded getting used to.

“Irene isn’t here?”

“No, she went to visit some of her friends at a retirement house. We’ve got the whole house just for us!”

“And you want to do homework?”

“Well, the quicker we do them, the more time we’ll have to do other thing.”

Marco was the voice of reason. He was the little voice everyone should listen to if they wanted to live a perfect life. The voice I deliberately chose to ignore a lot of times. A lot.

“I’ve got something for you, Marco.”

“Oh really?” His face illuminated at the mention of something for him. He wore his big smile, the one he use when he talk about his family or a book he was really into. The one that brought warmth in my heart every time I saw it. And even more when I knew I was the one who induced this gorgeous smile.

“Yeah wait a sec.” I opened my bag and stuck my hand in it, pretending to ruffle only to make Marco more impatient. Then I grabbed the cat and handed it to him. “You said horses don’t like to be alone, so I got Junior a friend.”

Marco’s smile got even bigger when he took the plush and held it close to his chest. Never I saw someone hugging a cat (fake or real) more than him. It made me so fucking happy.

“Thank you so much, Jean! I love it!” he held it proudly in front of his eyes, like in the Lion King. “I’m naming him Marco Junior.”

“Pfft, we’ll get lost with these name.” I laughed. We had: Jean, Marco, Jean Junior and Marco Junior, that was quite a mess. But I loved it and so did Marco.

“No, and if we do, it’ll be fun!” He winked at me and led the way to the living room while I sighed. He gently put Marco Jr on the couch, giving him a pat on the head before turning back to me.

“If you want to eat or drink something, tell me.”

“Thanks.”

We sat at the opposite ends of the table. Marco didn’t lost time and grabbed a pencil, ready to face those unforgiving math exercises. I wasn’t in the mood for that, I craved a good lazy afternoon. Just us laying on the couch, watching TV or randomly talking or not even talking. I needed to rest.

“My mom came to see me,” Marco suddenly said.

“Fuck that’s great Marco!” I took the opportunity to put aside the math.

“Yeah, we cried a lot,” he chuckled. “But I was so happy to see her again. It has only been four months, and it felt like years. I wish she stayed longer.”

“But your father?...He doesn’t have to know about it…”

“Yes. Maybe next time I’ll be able to see my siblings, who knows?”

“I hope so.”

“Oh, and she brought me my phone!” He proudly get out a blue phone out of his pocket to show me. No superhero or nerdy phone case, how disappointing. I liked the cat one better, it was funnier. “I’ll message you with it, so you have my _real_ number.”

“Okay,” I laughed.

A few seconds later I received a _“do your math_ ” from an unknown number. That fucker was grinning at me. So I saved his number as “nerd”. That’ll teach him.

“Aw, come on!” I said when he texted the same message again.

He winked at me and focused back on the math. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that. I leaned my head on one hand and just observed Marco as he filled a paper with equations and formulas. Looked like he didn’t need my help anymore. Haha, I didn’t have to spend afternoons explaining basic math to him, and hanging around for a while after, and grabbing a coffee and just having a chill time with him… Haha, nice.

So yeah, I didn’t do any math that day, like promised. However, I did do some physics stuff, because that shit was so _hard,_ and Marco and I had to put our two brains at work together to figure some stuff out. Seriously, I’ll never say it enough time but fuck physics.

We, or more like Marco alone, finished working around 4pm. It was in the middle of winter, so it was already pretty dark outside and neither of us wanted to leave the warm bubble of the house so we stayed in the living room, drinking hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows in it. And cookies. Don’t forget the cookies. I laid on the couch and Marco sat on the ground with his back against it.

He had turned on the TV and put some random cooking contest. He told me Irene like that kind of show. Grandma’s things. Still, it was pretty interesting, and I learnt a lot just by watching one episode. Sure it was high quality, and the ingredients were damn expensive, but I found myself being into it. Marco laughed when I yelled at a contestant because he was messing with the cooking of his soufflé.

We hanged there for some hours, criticizing the contestants like we were food critics. It was pretty fun. And I forgot about all my problems. By the way, Junior and Junior were on the table, watching the TV with us.

“Did you see that Jean? He didn’t even taste the dish before…” Marco stopped talking in the middle of his sentence. I looked at him and he was staring at my neck. “You’re wearing the necklace I gave you.” Yes I was. I had to think about it for a moment that morning, to give in and putting it on. At first he was hidden under my sweatshirt, but I was laying, so he slipped higher on my neck.

“Of course, dummy,” I answered as I made the chain roll between my fingers. “I love it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It’s the best present someone ever gave me.”

“Pfft, no…”

“I’m serious Marco. It’s the best give I could ever receive. Thank you.”

Marco turned his face, to hide his blush even though I saw it already. That was really cute. I grinned and decided to take it as a challenge to make his face completely red, or the reddest possible.

“You know, I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a while, but you’re such a great person Marco, and I’m so fucking happy I met you.”

“What?” He didn’t turn his head back to face me.

“You heard me. I’m glad you’re my friend, Marco.”

“Me too Jean.”

This time, he turned around to face me, and put an arm on the couch, next to my own arm. He leaned closer and let me tell you his cheeks were redder than a pepper. I grinned at my victory.

Then everything went so fast. Marco bent down and brought his face closer to mine. More than just his face, he brought his mouth so damn close to mine. He kissed me. Like his lips touched mine.

Marco kissed me. Marco kissed me. Marco. Kissing. Me.

You know, I always thought that thing when you kiss someone you have to close your eyes was a stupid thing. Until Marco kissed me and my body responded right away by closing my eyes. No, not my body, I did. I closed my eyes when Marco kissed me. And I enjoyed it even better.

It lasted a split second. But it was enough to turned me upside down, like there was a band playing metal in me. _Oh shit._ Marco looked as surprised as me, his mouth in a literal ‘o’ shape. Until his eyes started to water and his expression totally changed.

“Sorry” were the only word he gave me before running off the living room. I heard him climbing up the stairs in a hurry and a door closing.

“Shit..” I murmured.

I wasn’t like all those romance novels protagonist, asking myself “what happened?”. I knew perfectly what happened. And I could still fell him. Just like when a bug, a fly for example, lands on you and you move to make it go away, you still feel it on your skin for a moment? Well, that, but with Marco’s kiss, in a good way. His lips were still on mine in my mind.

The next question that popped into my head was: Why did he run away? I gave no sign I didn’t want him to kiss me. But I didn’t give any to tell him I _did_ want him to kiss me. And I never told him I was fine with kissing a guy. Well, it’s not like he did tell me either. And not to talk about the fact that our love life had never been brought up between us, he could’ve had someone and I wouldn’t have known. Yet he kissed me, it was pretty obvious he was single. So the real question was: Why didn’t I follow him?

“Gosh, I’m so fucking stupid.”

I ran up the stairs to his bedroom. The door was wide opened, letting me see his messy room, but without him in it. The bathroom door, however, was closed. I didn’t hesitate before knocking softly on it.

“Marco?”

I had no idea how I sounded like, but I tried everything to make my voice the softest possible. He had to know I wasn’t mad at him.

“Marco? Why are you in there?”

God, that was stupid to say. Of course I knew why he was in there. There

“I’m sorry Jean,” he sniffed. His voice was low and weak, I guessed he must have cried. “I ruined everything. I’m an asshole. You can go.” He sniffed again.

“Hey, you didn’t ruin anything.”

“Jean, I kissed you.” He sniffed. “Just after you said I was your friend. I didn’t even ask you if you were okay with it. Oh, I’m so stupid.”

“Did you kiss me because of all the things I said about you being the best friend I ever had?”

“No! Maybe… I don’t know…Wait? That wasn’t exactly what you said.”

“No, I’m specifying it a little. Trust me, every word I said, I mean them.”

“Then I’m sorry. You thought we were friends, and I messed everything up.” He mumbled something more, but I couldn’t hear it because of the door.

I didn’t think he ruined everything. He was someone I liked to be with, someone who made me laugh, someone who cared about me, someone I cared about. Someone I liked. He was more to me than anyone. The only fucked up thing was he had to kiss me to make me realize. Shit I had been blind the whole time. It was his damn fault, fucking sunshine boy, blinding me with his bright light.

“I liked the kiss.”

“What?”

“Told you. I liked the kiss. Your kiss.”

Marco opened the door. His eyes were red, and there were still some tears rolling down his cheeks. He was looking confused and looked at me for an explanation.

“I never realized it until now, but you’re…well you…you have…” I stumbled on my words, unable to form a sentence. It made me extremely upset so I just screamed: “You! Cute!”

Marco didn’t move for a second, before laughing out loud and brushing his hand on his face to remove a tear drop.

“Hey!”

“Sorry.” He gathered himself. “I get it Jean. You cute too.”

And that was my turn to blush and to break eye contact with him to look at my suddenly interesting feet. But Marco wasn’t done with me. He grabbed my hand, not my wrist, like he took my hand in his and led me to the bedroom. Sorry, his bedroom. He moved some stuff, by throwing them away elsewhere. We sat on the floor, our back against the bed. He was still holding my hand.

“Aren’t you disgusted?” Marco started staring at the door in front of us.

“Why would I be?” I was genuinely asking. If there’s one thing Marco wasn’t, it was disgusting. On the contrary, he was attractive.

“Because you know, you’re a guy, I’m a guy, we kissed…”

“Oh no, not at all. I mean, it’s more common these days, and society have become more and more opened about it. It’s not a problem at all, I’m no disgusted by you. And it’s not your fault you’re European.”

It took Marco a few seconds to get the joke, and I earned an elbow in the ribs.

“You’re a jerk, Jean!”

“Aw, thank you.” I managed to say through the pain I faked.

“Pfft…And really?”

“I don’t mind, and just so you know, I’m not a 100% straight either. It’s closer to 0.”

“Oh, no I never could have guessed!” Sarcasm filled his voice.

“What gave me away?”

“The beanie? The cuffed jeans? The flannel shirt? The fact that I saw you liking that post of that super sexy almost naked dude on Instagram the other day?”

“Fuck, you saw that?”

“Yes, that got me really confused. I never had a good gaydar.”

Throwback to when I believed Marco had a girlfriend back then, or when I believed he was attracted to girls.

“Yeah, me too.”

I held Marco’s hand tighter and let my head fall back on the bed. I thought about all the time I found Marco cute, all the time I compared him to a literal sunshine, all the time his smile and his laugh made me melt, all the times I was just crushing over him but had no idea. I must have forgotten what it was like to have a crush.

“You know, I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while now.”

“Oh yeah? Why didn’t you?”

“Kissing someone without their consent is…well it’s not something to do. I’m really sorry about it.”

“It’s fine. I was surprised, but I know you. You don’t have bad intentions. When did you want to kiss me?”

“Hum, let me think… the prom night, after we stole the food, and a second time at the park before you emptied your stomach.” I grimaced at the memory. “Oh, and after Reiner’s party. When we ran away.” That was a long time ago. And not once he told me, and I never suspected a thing.

“It doesn’t count, you were drunk.”

“Yeah about that…” My eyes widened in surprise.

“No, no, no wait… You weren’t drunk?!”

“Yes…” He gave me a small smile.

“Fuck, Marco…” I replayed the whole night in my head, all those times I thought Marco was acting weird and I put that on the alcohol. No, he was completely conscious of what he was doing. The whole time… “Wait, so it means in the pool with Reiner-?”

“Nothing happened.” He shook his head.

“Oh my god, I thought there was something between the two of you, since he calls you cute all the time…” I was still convinced Reiner had his eyes on Marco, and I felt satisfied to be the one who got to kiss him.

“He thinks I’m cute?!” Marco sounded surprised, like I didn’t call him cute two minutes ago, or no one ever told him he was cute. _Eh, now I can say he’s cute all the time,_ I thought. His cheeks took a pinkish shade, and god that was going to be so much fun to make him blush in all the possible ways.

“Everyone thinks you’re cute, Marco.”

“Everyone?”

“Yeah.” I grinned. “But mostly me.”

“I’m sure my mom wouldn’t agree with you.”

“I’d like to say I’d fight her to be the one, but you wouldn’t want me to fight your mom.”

“No.”

“Even if I’ll win?”

“Jean!” We laughed and Marco leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear: “You’ll lose.”

I acted shocked and Marco laughed louder, so much that his eyes were closing and his head fell back on the mattress.

“Jean?” I felt his grip on my hand getting stronger.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“No, this time I’m kissing you.”

Woah, Jean Kirstein getting bold. I had a confidence boost somehow. Marco moved so we were facing each other, our legs touching. I had no experience, and when faced to him, I thought it may have been a bad idea. But I wanted to kiss him, so I tried to forget the rest and focus on us. I slowly approached my head from his, so slowly he giggled. I kissed him to make him shut up.

This time, it wasn’t a band playing in me, it was a goddamn whole orchestra playing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture with the cannons firing into my stomach and making everything explode. Felt like a firework. It blew my mind and I finally understood why people in love kissed so much.

Having someone’s else lips brushing against yours is truly an experience I’d never forget. Marco was warm. My hands instinctively cupped his face and I pushed my lips further on his. He groaned in return and wrapped his arm around my waist before taking them back right away. I still moved closer to him, deepening the kiss until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

We parted our lips but stayed linked together by resting our forehands on each other. That was fucking intense.

“Woah.”

“I couldn’t have said it better.”

“So, what now?”

“We could order some takeout, or cook, or whatever you want…”

Marco giggled. “No, I meant us.”

“Oh. Us.”

If we started dating, Marco would have been my first boyfriend. And I knew how first date mates usually end up. It’s not happy. There were a lot of unknow variables in the equation: Marco could be closeted, or just want to keep his relations a secret like I did. If someone knew… Well I didn’t want to think about what could happen, but surely, it wouldn’t be nice. To keep the magic of the moment, I didn’t ask about all the questions that were burning my lips.

“I don’t know.” I answered after a mental debate between me and me. “But I really, really like kissing you Marco.”

“The feeling’s mutual. And it’s fine, don’t worry. We can put a word on our relationship when we found one we’re both good with.”

“Sounds great.” Marco’s maturity and wisdom never ceased to amaze me.

He smiled at me, then he gave me a small peck on my lips. It was so sweet. After that, I couldn’t stop smiling, like my face was stuck in a permanent emotion, which kinda represented the state of my mind. Completely frozen.

“Let’s get some food,” Marco broke the silence and got up, giving me a hand. We went back downstairs in the kitchen, where he amazed me with his cooking skills. Reheating a pizza in the microwave was not easy, and he did pull it off perfectly. The plate was burning hot and the pizza was lukewarm. A perfect microwave cooking. It was the best pizza I’ve ever had.

Ah, the marvels of young love.

Even the shitty movie we watched after seemed good. And trust me, I watched it again later, and it was so fucking bad. The acting, the scenario, the CGI, everything was messed up.

Around 11, we went to sleep. Marco said Irene should be back at 1am, and we didn’t want her to find us awake at that time, in front of a low budget film. Yeah, I know, I never said I was sleeping there, and Marco didn’t ask me to. It just happened like that. He also made me text my mom again to tell her I was spending the night with him.

Marco gave me sweatpants and a shirt as pajamas. A spider-man shirt. I expected nothing else coming from him. He was wearing a matching shirt, with venom on it. Or I think it was Venom, could have been anything else.

We were closer than we had ever been that night, but it didn’t mean we were as close as it could be. Marco let me change clothes in the bathroom and honestly I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I decided to sleep with the necklace on.

We went to his bed together. Shit that’s so fucking weird to say. Funny how that time, I was less worried about spending the night by his side. I don’t it felt more natural. Maybe the fact that we kissed two time had something to do with that.

Now, calm your hormones, nothing ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ happened between the two of us that night. We were just lying on the bed on our back, with our kids, Junior and Junior next to us.

“I feel like we’re two suburban dads, with such an oversized ego we named our children after ourselves.”

“Tomorrow we’ll teach them how to play baseball, but it’s really just throwing a ball.”

“Fucking useless dads.”

I smiled, for Marco was the only one who ever went with my trips and jokes. He kept them going, not shutting me down like everyone else. Fuck I was so in love with him. Told you, it’s a cliché high school romance and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Do you want to sleep?”

“What else could we do?”

“I don’t know, watch a movie?”

“I don’t know.”

“We’re not going to get anywhere with that kind of decisions making,” joked Marco.

“You’re the one who invited me in the first place!”

“And you’re the guest!”

“You’re right, we’re going nowhere with this.”

“Told you.”

He grabbed my hand and turned to his side to face me. I did the same. Although it was kind of useless in the dark, I couldn’t see him. Just his outline.

“Or we don’t have to do anything.”

“Yeah.”

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the fluffiness of his pillows. Marco moved, to get the covers on us. I had forgotten how good his bed felt and how much I liked it despite having a panic attack in it. I opened my eyes again when he rested his head on the pillows too.

Marco brought our joined hands to his chest, close to his heart. He closed his eyes too, and sighed. I got confused because a second ago I could have sworn he was happy and that sudden change of mood worried me.

“Is there something wrong?” I whispered.

“No. I’m just happy.”

“Because I’m holding your hand?”

“Pfft, no dummy.”

“Then why?”

“Because I’m feeling great for the first time since I left home.”

He always said _he_ left his home, even if it wasn’t true. He knew, I knew it was his father who made him leave. I swore to punch that jackass if I ever encountered him. Marco didn’t deserve such a shitty father.

None of us said another thing for the entire night. Marco and his adventurous fingers I had experienced once went to the necklace this time. He didn’t pull too hard on it, just enough to take a look at it. He then smiled fondly at me, before kissing my hand and closing his eyes.

One thing you must know: Marco looked like an angel while sleeping. And by angel I mean like his face is perfect, so peaceful, so calm… It made me want to caress his face, and you know it’s bad when _I_ want to touch someone.

I felt asleep without noticing but when I woke up. The sun was shining bright through the curtains, making me close my eyes again. Not so surprisingly, I was tired. Maybe short nights are better for me. But I wondered how I managed to sleep that long. Was it because I was holding hands with Marco? Which made me realize his hand was gone.

I was alone in the bed.

Marco had been gone without waking me up. That sounded like we were a one night stand, and Marco left after having sex with me. I reached to grab my phone, but it wasn’t there. It was still in the pocket of my pants, which were still in the bathroom. I nailed it.

Marco Jr was still on the bed, but there was no sign of Jean. I looked under the sheets and the pillows but he wasn’t there. Turned out he had fallen from the bed at some point in the night. Did we move that much? I picked him up and put him next to Marco. They were such an odd couple.

I reluctantly left the warm and comfortable sheets to venture out downstairs. I had seen to many movies to know what happened the morning after you sleep at your friend’s place and they live with their grandma. You go downstairs, expecting to find your friend but you just come face to face with grandma in a more than revealing outfit.

I stopped at the kitchen’s door before entering, trying to catch some sounds that could help me figure out who was there. There was only the frenetic clicking sound of a laptop keyboard. I doubted Irene could type that fast.

“’Morning Marco.”

“Oh, hello Jean,” Marco said while slamming his laptop down.

“Working already?”

“It’s 11 Jean.”

“Wow, I slept that long?”

“Yeah, like a baby. You want some coffee?”

“No thanks, I’ll be fine.”

“Jean Kirstein turning down coffee? Is this really you?”

“Ugh, yes.” I sighed.

“There’s orange juice in the fridge if you want, grumpy cat,” he joked and followed it by a giggle.

“Never call me like that again,” I said as I contradicted myself, smiling like a dumbass.

I poured myself a glass of orange juice and went to sat in front of Marco on the kitchen’s small table. He had resumed typing on his keyboard.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m writing a review for a book I read last week.”

Nerd. I grinned as I took a sip from my juice.

I found myself liking this casual morning, this domestic fluff kind of thing. That was relaxing, to just be with Marco and do nothing particular. Me drinking my juice and watching typing and staring intensely at his screen.

It all felt like a surreal dream. And maybe it was one. The awakening was going to be brutal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I don't know when I'll be able to publish the next chapter, so I left you some stuff down below:
> 
> [ My All For Us Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7HdHmSAqs0pjUG8Cq5cHa8?si=GkxQqASYQ1my5qv0Htg1lw) (the music I listen to while writing and the ones that inspired me. )
> 
> [ My JeanMarco (and snk) blog ](https://keithmelance.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ An another JeanMarco highschool AU ](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789249)
> 
> [ My contribution to JeanMarco 2020 Week ](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798435)
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!!
> 
> See you later and don't forget to take care of you <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's me, writing a chapter set on New Year's Eve in August  
> yay

As you may know, after Christmas comes the New Year. And I wasn’t going to be left alone for that either. Marco informed me we had been invited to Ymir’s party, as well as some of our friends. I didn’t think we were close enough for her to invite me, but I guessed she must have tried to beat Reiner’s record of the most people at a party in one night. Which was impossible.

I agreed to go so I didn’t have to look at all the pics Marco was probably going to send me all night long, looking like a pathetic friendless loner in my room. Before agreeing, I made to check if Ymir’s house got a pool. It didn’t, so I went.

As for my relationship with Marco, nothing changed. Since we had decided to not rush things, it was just like before but with kisses on the mouth from time to time. The reality of it only hit me when I went back home. I realized then what I had done: I had gotten in a relationship, the thing I was the most afraid of. Maybe Marco made me braver or some shit and helped overcome my fear. Yet this feeling came back once I was alone.

But gladly I have an ingenious coping mechanism. Binge watching series until I’m just a lifeless larva unable to think. It worked pretty well. But I didn’t forget about it, it stayed in my mind the whole time. And no matter how many time I told myself nothing bad happened I still felt like I took the wrong decision.

Because, on the moment, it didn’t hurt me. But I feared the moment it would. The moment the pleasure and the happiness of our relationship would turn upside down and just become hell.

And that’s the mood I was in when I went to Ymir’s New Year party. Not a mood to party, but I never had a party mood in the first place so…

I didn’t bother to dress nicely for the occasion. It was just a party between friends. A hoodie, a black jeans, and some boots (don’t forget it was winter), and I was ready. I didn’t wear the necklace, because I was afraid to lose it. Anything could happen at this kind of parties.

Armin offered to carpool, so I didn’t have to take the bus, or walk. Since Ymir’s house was pretty far and lost in the middle of nowhere. I don’t exaggerate. Her house was in the middle of some corn fields that stretched for miles. You couldn’t see anything but the corn.

Apparently, Armin got his driver’s license just before Christmas, and he borrowed his grandad’s car to brought me, Eren and Mikasa to the party. And Eren, like the shitbag he was, drank beer all the way there to, I quote “be in the party right when we arrive”. I wanted to slap him so bad, but the look Mikasa gave me stopped me to do so.

Now the problem with carpooling is you have to leave with the people that drove you there. Or you’re really popular and you find people that leave when you do or you have to comply to your driver’s wants. Knowing Armin, I knew he would go home at 1am maximum. You can’t trust nerds to bring you at parties.

Whatever. Like they say: “Here for a good time, not a long time”.

We showed up at 8, and the party was already in full swing. I bet Reiner was jealous of how Ymir organized it. If she ever organized anything for this goddamn party.

A low wall was surrounding the three-floors house. The grass was unevenly cut, and even burnt somewhere. At least a dozen cars were parked in front of what seemed to be the downside of a hill. Some like it dangerous. I would have never thought Ymir was the kind of person to live in a place like this.

She welcomed us at the entrance wide open, letting people go in and out how they wanted, even if it was fucking cold outside.

“Sup’ dudes! Nice to see you, horse-face! I thought you wouldn’t make it.”

“Surprise.” I said, emotionless.

“Your boyfriend’s already here, waiting for you.”

No matter how hard I tried, my face got flustered. I thought Marco already told everyone about what was going on between us. And maybe told everyone how bad of a kisser I was, since I was so unexperienced on the subject.

“Marco and I aren’t together.” I answered as impassive as I could be.

“You sure? You two seemed to hang together a lot…” she said back while wiggling her eyebrows.

“Fuck you. I’m not gay.”

I hoped Ymir’s gaydar was as bad as mine or Marco’s. But she was the gayest person I ever met and I doubted she would believe me.

“Anyway, there’s a shit lot of beer, so take as many as you want.” She pointed a side of the living, where at least a hundred packs of beer where stacked up.

“I’m not drinking any of that cow piss shit.”

“Maybe Sir Jean Kirstein would like something more refined? Like wine?”

“Still better than that.”

“Come one Jean,” interjected Armin. “Don’t be picky, it’s Ymir’s party.”

I grumbled. I was in fact, keener on strong alcohol, like vodka, than beer or wine. Not because I liked to get wasted, I just thought it tasted better.

Everyone at the party had this typical red cup, and Eren Mikasa and Armin didn’t take too long to join them. I hated this party so much, for the simple reason that it looked like any high school/ college party from any movie.

The worst was the socio-spatial segregation. Let me explain. it was the fact that individuals who shares the same interest in some hobby or activity tend to stay together. The geeks with the geeks, the jocks with the jocks. Although I just used generical terms, I’m sure you can understand. It also applies to people who came here with their friends, and stay with them for the whole night, not talking to anybody else outside their bubble of acquaintances.

And I know what you must be thinking right now: _But Jean, you’re just the perfect example for that phenomena!_ First of all, fuck you if you thought that. Second of all, no I’m not. I don’t even talk to anyone.

I found the kitchen by following the trail of teenagers with food in their hands. It was faster than just screaming for Sasha. Who knows where she could be, gorging on junk food. She wouldn’t have heard me.

The aforementioned kitchen was bigger than my bedroom. And I know what I’m talking about. The kitchen’s island was covered with various chips bags among other things. I grabbed an unopened Tortillas bag and left. I didn’t trust anything that was open, because I didn’t trust any of the drunk brats at that party.

I walked up the stairs, to maybe find Reiner Berthold or Annie. I must have tripped over, five or six guys on the way. Seriously, who the fuck sleeps in the middle of the staircase? At 8pm?? Whatever they had; I didn’t want to have that.

Anyway, there weren’t on the second floor, just like Marco, so I gave up. Yeah, I gave up easily. There was this wonderful old armchair set near a bookshelves and I took it as my own. God, it did wonders to my back and my ass. It was like sitting on a soft cloud, or on a throne. I could never read in a chair like that, I’d fall asleep before I could even start.

But I didn’t sleep that night. Mainly because everyone there was just screaming instead of talking normally, and also because my phone kept buzzing. I had to take a deep breath before looking at the screen to see who was harassing me. You guessed; it was Marco.

**Nerd**

_Hey Jean_

_Are you at the party rn?_

_Did you even come?_

**Me**

_Yeah…?_

**Nerd**

_I can’t find you ;(_

**Me**

_Well, unless you’re sober you won’t find me_

**Nerd**

_I promise I didn’t drink any alcohol_

_I don’t even like the taste_

**Me**

_Good thing_

_I’m on 2 nd floor_

_You won’t miss me_

**Nerd**

_Are u kidding?_

_Im on the 2 nd floor_

_Where r u?_

**Me**

_Ugh_

_I’m less impressive in that chair than I thought_

**Nerd**

_I still can’t find you_

**Me**

_Do you see the book corner?_

**Nerd**

_Yes_

**Me**

_I’m right there_

Just a second after, Marco stormed out from behind a group of girls to jump right onto me. Yeah, you read that right, he jumped on my lap, swinging his legs over the armrest. He kept himself from wrapping his arms around my neck, but that was close.

“Good evening Jean,” he murmured just loud enough for me to hear.

“Hello, Marco.”

We both blushed, like the virgins we were. He didn’t smell like alcohol, which was a good thing. However he looked weird, like not in his normal state. I couldn’t explain why. Maybe I just misread him, since the light in the room was dimmed, almost inexistent.

“Want some tortillas?”

“Sure.”

He grabbed a handful, picked one from it and ate it. I did the same, careful to not put crumbs on him. He shifted his weight to be more comfortable on my lap, before turning back to me looking concerned.

“Am I too heavy?”

“Nah, I could lift you if I wanted.” I answered.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

That was obviously a lie. There was nothing more in my arms than bones and flesh, no muscle in sight. However, I was wondering if he could bench press me, with his strong many freckled arms…

“Did you see Connie or Sasha?” asked Marco.

“No. You didn’t?”

“They disappeared.”

Now that was something to worry about. Sasha and Connie weren’t the one you’d expect to be calm and to go unnoticed. If neither Marco or I could have seen or heard them, then it must have been something wrong.

“We should start looking for them,” decided Marco as he got up from me. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Me too.” With two minds like this, who know what they could have been up to. Especially on NYE.

“Go on the first floor, I’ll do the third.”

“Text me if you find one.”

Seriously, it sounded like we were the goddamn parents of these two kids who were unable to take care of themselves. I would’ve been surprised if we found them drunk or stoned.

As I got down the stairs, I asked around if they had seen them. All I got was negative answers. Ymir was still at the door, welcoming more and more persons in the party.

“Hey, Ymir!”

“Ah, horse-face! Did you find your happiness?”

“Huh?” She was looking at me with a shit grin smile. “Have you seen Sasha and Connie?”

“Hum, I recall Sasha going into the kitchen to rob me from every single piece of food I bought for tonight… And Connie, no.”

“Thanks freckles face!”

“Save that for you boyfriend!”

I rolled my eyes and rushed to the kitchen. It seemed to have turned into a spot for all the beers game. Four guys were in the middle of a beer pong game, and three girls were cheering on another one who was drinking shots. No signs of the two idiots. I grabbed a bottle of rum, and promptly left.

The main thing I was counting on to find Sasha and Connie were their loudness. It was too crowded to search for someone if they aren’t searching for you back. So I decided to leave the main hall and to start investigating deeper in the house. There wasn’t much to see but couples nearly having sex, smoke, and locked doors. Didn’t want to know what was going on behind them.

After going around the first floor twice, I was ready to give up. After all, it wasn’t my responsibility to look for them. Marco could keep going if he wanted but I stopped. After a gulp of my rum, I got my phone, and typed a text to inform him that they weren’t here when someone heavily banged on the door on my left.

“Come on, I need to pee!”

But the door stayed closed. They guy had no other choice than to weirdly run elsewhere to take care of his business. I lowered my phone and walked to the door. Sasha had this habit of being half of the time in the bathroom, when she wasn’t eating. I had nothing to lose to try.

“Oi, Sasha?”

I didn’t get any answers, but I heard some ruffles and noises suddenly coming from inside, like the toilet flushing. I also thought I heard a “fuck” being murmured. It intrigued me, so I squatted down and looked at the lock. Gladly, it was just a simple lock, that could be unlock from outside if you can turn it. Which I could do without any problem. Please don’t ask why.

After putting my phone back into my pocket and holding the bottle of rum with my armpit, I got the door open and found out I was right. Sasha was there, sitting on the floor in front of the toilet. Her eyes were shining like she was on the verge of crying.

“It’s not what you think…”

“Don’t even try again. I’m not stupid.” I said, a bit too recklessly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

I helped her to get up with my free hand and we walked out of the house. The prayers I mentally said worked and we met no one who knew us on the way outside. Of course it was even colder outside, but I was wearing a jacket and my beanie. I brought her to a part of the low wall behind the house. we sat on it, the precious bottle between us.

I decided to go the hard way with her.

“You were making yourself puke, am I right?”

She looked at the ground and nodded. I couldn’t believe I didn’t understand that sooner, it’s not like she was good at hiding it. It all made more sense now, when she vomited during gym class, or how she always went to the bathroom right after eating.

“Bulimia?” I asked.

“What?”

“You don’t know what that is?”

“No… I should?”

I sighed and got my phone out. Before looking up on google the word ‘bulimia’, I texted Marco.

**Me**

_I found Sasha, alone_

_There’s a problem so I’ll stay with her_

**Nerd**

_Ok_

_Didn’t find Connie, I’ll keep looking_

_Take care of her_

I found an article that seemed clear, short, and good about bulimia and I gave my phone to Sasha so she could read it. Her eyes wandered on the screen, before fully focusing on the words. She silently scrolled down the entire article. Then, still not saying a word, she handed me back my phone.

“So?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“You wanna talk about it?” I tried to do what Marco would’ve done if he was in this situation. Being kind and all that shit. To help her, because she definitely needed some help. 

“No.” Well, if she didn’t want to be helped, then who I am to force that onto her? But I’m glad she didn’t, because I really didn’t know how to deal with that. I could’ve made things even worse. She pointed at the rum bottle. “You planning on drinking all that?”

“Help yourself.”

She didn’t wait for my answer to grab the bottle. She sent the cap flying away with only one finger and gulped down a good fourth of it. I took the bottle back when she was loudly exhaling. I carefully wiped the top of it with my sleeve before drinking.

“This is shit,” she said.

“Don’t remind me.”

“I want to lay down.”

And that was the last sensed thing I heard for the night. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or everyone just became stupid all of sudden.

We both laid down, side by side on the wet grass, wetting our clothes. The sky was damn dark that night, with no stars. I wondered if I could ever see them again, since I couldn’t remember the last time I looked up at the night sky and saw these little dots covering it.

“I like Connie.” Sasha blurred out.

“Oh,” I answered. _Of course she likes him, they’re best friends, like they spend all their time together…_ Then I realized she didn’t mean it like that. “OH.”

“But he doesn’t like me back.”

“Pfft,” I said as I raised my head to take a sip from the rum. “He likes you.”

“Not that way. And if he ever learn about this bulimic thing- “

“Bulimia.”

“Yeah, bulimia. If he knows…I’ll be destroyed.”

“He won’t stop loving you for that.”

“One,” she raised a finger up high, “he doesn’t love me at all. Two,” she raised another finger, “maybe his feelings won’t change but the way he sees me will.”

“And that’s bad?”

“Yeah.” She stopped for so long I thought she was finished and I could relax. She wasn’t about to let me do so. “But you knowing about it is not bad. You don’t give a shit.”

“Damn right.” I took another sip from the bottle before Sasha snatched it from my hands.

“Give me that.”

What’s better than this? Two teens getting drunk on almost frozen grass. Although she was wrong. I did start to think of her in a different way from that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that all that stuff she was pulling out, the jokes with Connie, her good mood… It was all an act.

“Shit, my Rimmel is running.” Sasha exclaimed.

“Pfft, you’re wearing make up?”

“Oh sush, I was trying to look decent.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t to impress Connie?”

She didn’t answer and instead took another sip from the bottle. It meant she really was trying to get Connie’s attention. Which would have been difficult, since Connie only expressed interest towards women that can “kick his ass”.

I leaned back on the wet grass, probably ruining my jacket. We could hear some music and screaming, but otherwise it was pretty quiet. Well it was, until I felt footsteps coming towards us. And I hadn’t the strength to get up and to tell to whoever the fuck it was to piss off.

“Whatever party you’re having I want to join,” said the footsteps, who weirdly sounded like Armin.

“You must taste the sacred beverage before joining this cult.” Answered Sasha, waving the rum around.

“Okay.”

He didn’t question it and took the bottle as he sat down. He drank some of it with a grimace. Sasha took it as soon as he was finished and they both laid down. We were forming some kind of odd triangle.

“I hate Eren,” said Armin. It made Sasha snicker.

“Oh, now you can discuss that with Jean.”

“Yeah, fuck Eren.”

“I’m trying.” Armin said out of the blue.

Sasha and I glanced at each other to be sure we heard the same thing. She shrugged and I knew I couldn’t rely on her to help Armin a little. So I took the matter in my own hands.

“You like Eren?”

“Yes.”

“And let me guess, he doesn’t love you back, or doesn’t love you the same way?”

“Yes.”

“Oh god, you’re all lost causes.”

“Hey!” Sasha exclaimed. “I’m not that lost. And let’s talk about _your_ glorious love life too, Kirstein.”

“In a surprisingly turn of events, I’m actually very successful at the moment in my love life.”

Now that was Sasha and Armin’s turn to look at each other in incredulity. I know I shouldn’t have said that, since I didn’t talk about it with Marco first, but hey, I was drunk. Or at least a little bit tipsy.

“Jean Kirstein, what are you hiding from us?”

“Who is it?” added Armin.

“Not telling you.”

“Come on!”

“Nope.”

“I’m keeping the bottle.”

“Not fair! I want some too.”

“Okay. Rum is for the heartbroken, Jean. And for the one that shares secrets.”

“Fine. It’s Marco.”

Armin’s jaw dropped wide open and Sasha cracked a smile, throwing her hands in the air like she was on a rollercoaster.

“Hell yeah! Connie owns me ten bucks!”

“What? You betted on me and Marco getting together?!”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is! Anyway, it’s not the topic. Let’s go back to Armin crushing on Eren, because that’s so fucking random. Did you tell Mikasa?” We all laid down again.

“No, but she probably has figure it out.”

“That sucks.”

“Same here,” added Sasha after a sip of rum. “Connie is too stupid to know anyway, so I’m fine.”

“Eren isn’t stupid, but like he isn’t the best at relationships.”

“No way,” I said sarcastically.

“Like he’s too focused on other things to know, or to just pay attention to how I’m feeling.”

“You’re lucky you’re smart.” Idly remarked Sasha. “It’s harder to hide things for us, the dumbs.”

“Hey!” I got up, leaning on my elbows. “I hope you’re not including me because I’m smart.” She laughed and shook her head, so I got down in the grass again. “I’m the fucking smartest here.” I took the bottle and drink from it, not bothering to wipe it this time. I noticed there wasn’t much left, our drunken asses emptied the entire bottle.

“I don’t know…” wondered Armin. “I think Marco’s smarter than you.”

“No way. Dude can’t do math.”

“He can.”

“Yeah he helps me sometime.”

“No, it’s the other way around, _I_ have to help him…”

“You know he was an honor student at his previous school, right?”

That was typically the question that wasn’t one. Armin knew Marco didn’t tell me everything about his life. And I had just found out he had been pretending to be an idiot the whole time.

“The fuck?”

“Ohhh, drama incoming…”

“Shut up Sasha. Armin, what the fuck?”

“I told you. Marco is like super clever.”

“So why did I have to help him for every class we have?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“Very successful in your love life huh?” mocked Sasha.

“Fuck you!” I got up, gripping the bottle in my left hand. “Fuck everyone!”

I threw the bottle on the house, it exploded like a firework, sending pieces of glass flying in the air and leaving a stain from the remaining liquid in it.

“Geez, I wanted to drink it.”

“Fuck off, it’s not my problem. I’m fucking leaving.”

And on this words, I walked back to the only road that lead there. This party seemed less of a good idea when I had to walk all the way back to town. With a car, it took 20 minutes, so I was good for an hour and a half long walk. In the middle of nowhere.

I was just far enough from Ymir’s party when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I got it, to see who was the asshole daring to text me and preparing myself to yell at my screen if it was Marco. But I was wrong. It was the buzz of my phone turning off because there wasn’t enough battery left. If it wasn’t for the price of that stupid useless device, I would have thrown it away with all my strength. Instead I threw all my rages on some unlucky rock that didn’t ask anything but got kicked away.

And as if the night couldn’t get better, I got lost. I mean all those corn fields look the same! And let me tell you that at night, it quickly gets super scary. There wasn’t any sound, and when there was, it sent shivers down my spine.

Hell I could’ve gotten kidnapped or killed there without anyone knowing. That would have taught them, him, to not lie to me. Funny how I was right about distrusting Marco from the start. I knew there was something odd about him, I could feel it.

But it made no sense to me. If Marco was as smart as Armin said, why did he seek my help in the first place? To make me lose my time? What for? Did someone ask him to do that? Was anything he told me true? Did he mean it when he kissed me? Was he after something? After me?

Fuck I was tired of being lied to. Why did people never tell me the truth? I always had to learn it by someone else, by accident. If someone can’t trust me, then how can I trust them? God I hate humans.

I arrived at the conclusion that I couldn’t trust him. And if Armin had to be drunk to tell me that, there was necessarily other secrets people were keeping from him. Second conclusion: trust no one.

It was all Marco’s fault.

If he didn’t sit next to me on the first day of school, I wouldn’t have been spending my New Year’s Eve somewhere in the middle of fields.

If he didn’t talk to me, I wouldn’t be so conflicted.

If he just didn’t, my life would have been way simpler.

“FUCK YOU MARCO BODT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, Jean is a dick. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Take care of you<3


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read, we die like soldiers on the battlefield  
> Sorry
> 
> I also have another version of this chapter, and I still don't know what to do with it XD I'm open to any idea

Most of the time, when I’m unable to do something, I just straight give up and move on. Not going to bother with something I can’t do, while I can do many other things.

But if I gave up there, surrounded by nothing but plants, I would have died. I wanted so much to stop walking, to lay on the frozen grass and just let mother nature reclaim me. My body would go back to dirt and no one would ever know what really happened to me. They’d look for me for weeks, maybe years. I’d be on Buzzfeed Unsolved. Ah, it would have been grandiose.

No, I had to live for some fucking reason.

I wished I had some music to accompany my steps. With music, everything goes faster. The sound of unknown small animals, the gravel of the road under my feet, corn moving in the wind, a serial killer maybe, crippling depression and some owls wasn’t enough to make music.

And not once, hear me out, _not once,_ I regretted leaving the party. Even if it was probably the scariest experience of my life, I wouldn’t have gone back for anything in the world.

I finally arrived at a much bigger road, that could fit more than one car. I recognized it; Armin took it earlier. I had never been so happy to see a road. But still, it was close to midnight, and there wasn’t even a cat on it. That was my luck.

The only time I could know what time it was, you know, since my phone died, was when midnight arrived, there were fireworks and cheering from afar. I could have started to get sad over it, if I was weak. No, I was strong, and I didn’t need to spend the New Year with my friends, I didn’t have any. I didn’t need to celebrate the New Year at all. Yeah another shitty year in sight, maybe this time I won’t get betrayed!

Never had a road felt so long in my entire life. I tried my best to not complain, _I_ was the one who decided to leave this stupid party and these stupid people. That was my choice and I had to deal with it until the end.

I don’t remember at which point exactly I started dreaming of my bed. And a good fucking warm coffee. Maybe when my fingers got so cold I couldn’t move them anymore. I had become a zombie, mechanically walking. If I ever stopped, I couldn’t have started again.

Eventually I got back to town. My feet accelerated, carrying my body through these streets I knew. All the way I didn’t even saw someone outside, I had the impression I was the only human in town.

When I got home, I had to pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t lost in the countryside anymore hallucinating about home. After I was 100% sure this was really my house, I opened the door with the spare key hidden in one of the bushes. Not a smart hideout, but I expected nothing else from my mother. She was terrible at anything besides…besides…Nevermind, she’s just terrible.

I said fuck it to the coffee and just threw myself into my bed like that. I needed its warmth so bad. Funny how I liked the contact of my bed more than human contact. At least my bed would never lie to me.

I woke up next morning with a cold. My throat was hurting and I couldn’t breathe through my nose anymore. I should’ve expected that. My estimations were that I spent around five hours outside, in the cold, with nothing more than a jacket and a stupid beanie.

And it’s known there only one thing to do when you catch a cold. Eat soup.

I got downstairs in the kitchen to look for this delicious liquid. The best would’ve been homemade soup, but who the fuck in this family can make one? So I had to content myself with industrial soup. I find it too fucking salty, but I had nothing else.

A quick minute in the microwave at maximum thermostat, and I could go and burn my tongue with it. That’s how you know it’s ready.

I sat down at my desk and turned on my computer while I got out the tissue box. My phone was still dead, and I was sure that if I turned it on I would regret it. Maybe I had gotten a ton text, or maybe none, both options were terrifying to me. I was determined to live the last days of winter break in peace, it meant alone, and without my phone.

A good thing with just a computer and internet, is that you have access to a whole new world of wonders. I could escape all this shit with Marco and just dive into more bullshit. At least these anime character wouldn’t lie to me like he did. I could trust them.

One thing you must know: I have like ten different accounts for each popular social media. At first it was because I didn’t want to mix private life and fan life, but then I just kept creating more and more accounts for various reasons (stalking, dedicating to one specific thing…) and then I had a lot to manage. It kept me busy.

Around 3pm maybe, my parents got back from a party I didn’t know they were going to. Mom asked me how was mine after wishing me a ‘happy’ new year.

“Fine.” I answered.

“Ah, I’m glad.” Like she was, I could have still been lost and she would be drinking wine like nothing was going on.

When I didn’t answer her other questions, she took the damn hint and left me alone in my room. I don’t know what the deal with mother being invasive and wanting to know everything about their child’s life. Like, give us some space to breath please!

The rest of my day could be summarized like this: tissue, soup, Twitter, tissue, tissue, Facebook, soup, tissue, Tumblr, tissue, tissue, tissue… Oof what a day.

One notable thing happened in the evening though. I was waiting for a video to load, and I turned away from my computer to blow my nose. That’s when I saw him, looking at me with this lifeless eyes and expressionless face. I could tell he was mocking me, telling I was worth nothing if I couldn’t keep any of my friends. I lost my patience rather quickly.

“Go fuck yourself Junior!”

I was ready to shove him under my bed, so I couldn’t see his annoying face anymore. I couldn’t throw my anger at Marco, so Junior had to bear it all for him. Fuck, I was so mad at him for…

_Wait, what for?_

I realized I forgot why I was mad at him. What an idiot I am. Blame it on all the rum I drank the night before. I let Jean Junior fell on the bed.

And since I had forgotten, I couldn’t just stay angry at him. So, I plug my phone and waited for it to turn back on again. I walked in circles in my room, coming back to see the light of the screen on again. I was literally shaking.

When it finally came back alive, I immediately wanted to turn it off again. For the only reason that I only got three texts. For fuck’s sake, I disappear into the night, and I only get three goddamn text? Did people really give no fuck about me?

Now, you guessed from whom these texts were coming.

**Nerd**

_Hey Jean, I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, Sasha and Armin told me everything. I’m sorry it hurt you, it was never my intention. I owe you explanations, and if you ever need more, tell me. On the first day of school, before I was introduced to the class, Mr. Ackerman told me he was going to make me sit next to a ‘loner’. He said he believed I could make this person change, for the better. And well, I didn’t say no, I had to make some friends. That’s how we met. I immediately liked you, even if you’re not the nicest person on earth. My heart broke when I saw how alone you were. So I tried to spend more time with you, and that included pretending to need help. That was a very bad idea. But I really needed help with physics, so thank you for that. I don’t know if you’re going to read this. I don’t know if you’re going to forgive me. I hope you do. (And I also hope you’re safe because you left without saying anything and I’m worried, even tho I know you’re not a kid and you can manage on your own…argh what am I saying. Just please be safe.)_

_Happy new year, Jean._

_And even if you think no one cares about you, just know that I do._

There was no possible way I could stay mad at him after that. Hell, it teared me up a lot, I almost cried. I had been an ass to him, to everyone, for a reason than now that I was sober and remembering it, seemed foolish.

He had all the reasons to resent me, but he didn’t. Either he was incredibly stupid at a point beyond imagination, or he was just incredibly kind. This whole situation felt like a déjà vu.

I wondered if I should call him or just text him back. Texting was better in some way, because I couldn’t mix up my words, get embarrassed or just straight up cry on the phone with Marco on the other end like 😐. No, no, no, text is always better.

It occurred to me when I tried to write an answer that it may not be as easy as I thought. At least on the phone, you speak spontaneously. And you don’t have to worry about correctly writing every single word, and if the sentence sounds good, and if you’re not conveying the exact opposite of what you mean…Writing a text is complicated.

I could have done what I did best: nothing. Just leaving Marco on “seen” and moving on to my life knowing I gave up on the simple task that was answering back. But I wasn’t going to do that to Marco. He wrote me one hell of apology text, keeping his calm and his composure. I had to do the same for him. So I put my worries aside to make something, let’s say middling.

**Me**

_I’m sorry I ran away without telling you anything. I was drunk and mad and clearly not in the right mood. Fuck, what you did wasn’t even that bad. I fucked up. I’m sorry._

_Also my phone was dead, I couldn’t reply._

Being sentimental and sharing my feelings weren’t really my things. Once I pressed the send button, I backed off from my phone. Texting had never been this stressful. I opened one of the window to get some fresh air in, and maybe clear my mind a little. A breeze blew on my face, making all my hair flew back.

I didn’t have to wait long before my phone dinged to signal Marco had replied to my text. I breath in and out one more time. I shouldn’t have been nervous, it was just Marco, I had talked to him a lot of times.

“Relax, Jean. Calm down.”

I grabbed my phone and sat on the edge of the bed.

**Nerd**

_Jean! I’m so happy you’re okay! You wouldn’t believe how worried I was. Did you make it home? You need anything? Do you want me to come? Do you want to come? Right now, I’m just happy you’re fine, but trust me we’re gonna talk about what you did._

I deserved that.

**Me**

_Yes, no thanks, yes, no._

**Nerd**

_On my way._

That was my first time for years I would have someone coming over. Marco what’s more. He wasn’t just an average friend to me. And he never came into the house, not to mention my room. That was one of the time I was glad to have a blank, impersonal room.

Since my window was open, I heard when a car parked in front of the house. I rushed out of my room and down the stairs to the front door.

“Jean?” My mom said from the living room.

“I’m having a friend over. Don’t bother us.”

She answered something but I didn’t hear it. I was too busy opening the door and placing a finger over my mouth to subtly make Marco know that he had to say no word. He nodded and followed me inside. I grabbed his hand to make him go faster into the hall and to the second floor.

We made it to my bedroom safely, without being seen by my snooping mother. Even after I closed the door with my foot, Marco didn’t let go of my hand. Now that we were safe, I could take a better look at him. He had big eyebags, and his hair wasn’t neatly done as usual. His eyes wandered around the room, looking in every corner, even if there was nothing to see.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yes,” he answered with a tiny but hoarse voice which surprised me. “Sorry, I have a sore throat.” He then cough into his elbow.

“Don’t worry I’m a bit sick too. …And I shouldn’t hold your hand.”

I let go of his, because even if I washed my hands regularly, I still could make him sick too. There was no way I wanted to deal with sick Marco again, having to go to his house for whatever reason, and seeing him shirtless with his abs displayed right in front of my eyes…

“I don’t mind.” Of course Marco didn’t mind. Ugh, he was too perfect. “So Jean, did you want me to come for a special reason, or just because you wanted to see me?”

“Um…Kinda both?”

“Okay. But I have something to tell you too.”

“You go first.”

I was curious about what he had to tell that I didn’t know, but at that point I wasn’t surprised. Not that he had to tell me everything.

“You might want to sit down.”

So we sat on the bed in front of each other with our legs crossed. We weren’t touching in any way. He coughed a few times before starting.

“It’s about my dad. And also the reason why I lied about my ‘asthma’.”

Ugh, it had been a while since I had heard this lie. The first time I brought it up, Marco avoided the question, like it was painful or something. I prepared myself to react to some tears and cries.

“Well, it all started eleven years ago. I was playing with Lisa and fell down the stairs accidentally. I had a lot of bruises, scratches and my knee was bleeding. My mom put a small band aid on it and kissed me, I immediately felt better. The next day at school, we had to change into our gym clothes. Of course the other kids noticed my bruised body.”

I couldn’t see where he was going, and how that had to do with anything. But all the time Marco was telling me this story, he didn’t look at me. I wanted to say there was nothing to be ashamed of, or that he didn’t have to feel embarrassed. My mouth stayed shut.

“They got worried and asked me how I got that. I was a shy kid and I didn’t know what to answer, I was panicking from all that attention. Somehow, they started to believe my father did this to me. He was known to be harsh and very demanding, so they all went with that idea, even my teacher. But my father never raised his hand on one of us. My seven-year-old self freaked even more, which only reinforced that idea. The teacher called my parents on the day to explain the situation.”

He stopped and closed his eyes to take a deep breath.

“My dad thought I was the one who spread the rumors about him beating me up. He never forgot. I think that’s why our relationship is so … broken.” And that explain why he kicked him out of the house. Marco wanting something better than what they could give him was the last thing his dad needed to go mad.

“And that’s why you don’t wanna go to PE?” I tried, to fill the silence.

“When I think about all the kids staring at me and surrounding me I just-… Maybe it sounds stupid- “

“I don’t think it does.”

I had no idea what to respond to that, I was still processing. That shit was pretty bad, and beside “That’s rough buddy”, my head was empty. Although, I understood why he lied about it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about that if I were him.

That story didn’t improve the opinion I had of his dad. What kind of father would think his son is spreading rumors about him? Even mine wasn’t that bad.

The most incredible thing was that Marco didn’t hate him. I had reminded him a few time he had the right to, and every time he assured me he didn’t hold a grudge. That was something I never understood, why Marco was such a forgiving person. With me, just like with his dad.

“I’m sorry I ranted so much…”

“It’s fine.”

And then, I did a move I learnt in a movie, where you grabbed the other’s hand gently and smile at them. I think it’s supposed to be recomforting or showing them that you are listening to them. It worked.

Marco smiled back at me, and it was like an arrow was shot through my heart. His eyes were nearly closed and wrinkles were forming on the side of his lips. Gosh he was so cute. Even with eyebags.

At that moment, I remembered I could kiss him. That was an idea so surreal to my mind that I always forgot about it. But I could kiss Marco Bodt. And he could kiss me back. Maybe we could even make out.

So I leaned towards him and pressed my lips against his. My cold could get fucked, all I cared about was Marco. I placed my hands on his face, and he put his behind my neck. It was just a kiss, but I felt my blood rushing and my face becoming red. We moved our lips against each other’s and I felt warmth invading my body, especially my stomach. That was just amazing.

Marco let go the first, to take a deep hoarse breath and cough (not on my face ofc). I had forgotten he was sick too. Yet, he was still wearing his gorgeous smile.

I should have seen this coming when he started to laugh, but I was surprised when he let himself fall onto the bed, dragging me down with him. We bounced and Marco took the opportunity to grab my waist and pull me closer.

Our eyes were lost into each other and our faces were a few inches apart. A space I could have closed anytime by kissing his lips, his nose, his forehead, or …his neck…

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he apologized, breaking the magic.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you.”

He brought a hand to my head and gently brushed a strand of hair out of my face. That was so intimate, more intimate than I’ve ever been with anyone. Kinda felt strange, but good in way.

“No more secrets between us, right Jean?”

“Yes,” I said, you know, like a liar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School bs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short, Eren compared it to Jean's dick. 
> 
> (It's short because I want to get to the real shit faster)

There’s nothing much to say about the next few days. And also the next few weeks, but I’ll try to find some stuff that might be worth telling. It delays the worst part of this story.

After being pressured again and again by Mr. Ackerman, I finally submitted some college applications. It was very random. Marco made me apply to an art school. It just seemed pompous and useless, but I did it to make him drop that subject. What the hell would I even do in an art school? I’ve never taken an art class, or course in my entire life.

At least, Marco understood that I couldn’t picture myself having a job or studying specific things.

When we got back to school after break, nothing seemed to have changed. Marco was still his cheerful nice self, this time maybe a little more affectionate towards me. No one noticed though. And no one also noticed Sasha’s glance flinching for a second when she saw me. I had forgotten we hadn’t talked to each other since New Year’s Eve and that discussion we had drunk about her, her love life, and her disorder. Knowing I was the only one to be aware of it and that I hadn’t done shit for her should have made me feel bad. But it didn’t.

I thought about telling Marco, and making him take the burden of that, but it wouldn’t have been fair to Sasha. Her problem, her decisions. I didn’t have to decide things for her. She was big enough to take care of it.

I got shouted at by Ymir, for not staying all night long at her party and making her lose the record to Reiner. She didn’t say anything about getting worried because I suddenly disappeared into the wild. No, the stupid record was more important than me.

Well you get the gist, nothing changed, nothing new, same old shit.

I went to my locker alone but Connie was waiting for me there. He was leaning his back on it, arms crossed like a real bad boy. Except he didn’t look like one.

“Jean.”

“Connie.”

“We need to talk.”

“Yeah but just so you know, you’re leaning on the wrong locker,” I said opening mine.

“Oh shit.” He got off the locker clumsily and stood next to me. “Hum, we need to talk.”

“I’m listening.” If I was facing him, he could have seen me rolling my eyes.

“It’s about Sasha, and the New Year’s party.”

“Yeah, and?”

“You seem to have gotten quite close to her…”

“We just talked okay?” I turned around to see him. “I don’t know what you’re so mad about.”

“I’ll be frank with you. If you’re planning on dating Sasha, I won’t let that happen.”

I raised an eyebrow and just sighed. These two were the biggest idiots that ever lived on Earth. How could they be that oblivious? Seriously… At least there was hope for Sasha, if Connie was also in love with her, maybe one day they could realize. Or maybe they needed a little help. From Marco. I was already tired of them.

“Dude, I don’t want to date Sasha. I have standards.”

“Yeah, of course…” he walked away slowly. “My eyes are on you Kirstein…” he pointed to fingers at his eyes and then at me. The. Dumbest. Person. In. The. World.

I finished taking my books before going to class, where Marco would be waiting for me. Somehow it was a surprise that Connie thought there was something between me and Sasha, but I have to admit I was actually spending a lot of time with her lately. And if Connie loved her, he was going to be jealous of every boy she talked to. Love induces jealousy.

Apparently, I wasn’t done dealing with the consequences of this fucking party. I said it too many times, but _I fucking knew_ I shouldn't have come. During lunch, Armin came to see me. He wasn’t bothered by Marco and his salad next to me.

“Hey Jean, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure.”

Marco interrogated me with his eyes, but I had no idea what the boy wanted either. Armin sat down in front of me.

“About New Year’s party.”

“What about it?”

“I wanted to apologize for what I said. It wasn’t my place to tell you all of that.”

“Uh… thanks?”

“I hope it didn’t affect you or Marco.”

“Not at all,” Marco answered for me. “We’ve discussed it, and everything is fine. You don’t have to feel sorry, Armin.”

“Yeah, like he said.” I answered for myself.

“Ah, I’m glad. I was afraid I ruined your friendship.”

Which had already been ruined because we were just two horny teenagers who spent way too much time together. Classic. Also, notice how Armin had been careful not to mention what I said at the party, Marco and I being together and all that. Maybe he put that on the fact that I was drunk.

“Nah, it’s nothing. We were drunk anyway.” I reminded him, to be sure he understood and ensure he would never talked about it ever again.

“And what was said between us that night stays between us right?” Armin asked with a smile, but it was more a ‘tell anyone and I’ll kill you’ smile. He kinda freaked me out.

“Of course.” I guessed he was referring to the confession that he had a crush on Eren. Which still sounded unbelievable to me. Eren was the least lovable person on Earth, but he still had Mikasa and Armin on his side.

After talking trigonometry and math with Marco, he left us like nothing happened.

“Armin’s really nice.”

I was a bit surprised by that, for the reason that it was something obvious. If Marco said it, that could only mean he wanted to take the conversation somewhere. Me too dude.

“Yeah he is. You guys could do a competition.”

‘Jean, no.”

“Come on…”

“No.”

“Aww…”

I turned back to my awful looking cold burger. Honestly, Marco was making me angry with his salads and homemade meals. Not everyone has the chance to live with a grandma like Irene just for themselves.

Unlike Armin, Sasha never mentioned the party or what she did and said back there. My first thought would have been because she was afraid of it, but after consideration, I thought it was more because she was drunk and she later realized she had talked to the wrong person, AKA me. She should have chosen someone who cares to unpack her shit.

And by someone, I mean Marco. He would have known how to help her and how to make her feel better. That’s the kind of shit he must know about. He had the chance to form more relationships in his life than me. Family, friends, etc.

In the afternoon, I could have been alone and it would have been the same result. Marco talked with Dr. Hanji before class started about his med school and everything, whatever, I didn’t bother to listen. They were in their own bubble and I didn’t feel like I was there with them.

“And did you read my last mail?”

“Of course! But there’s some points I didn’t really get, so I tried to…” blablabla… Not worth listening.

I spend the entire class leaning on my hand, letting my mind travel somewhere else. I was wondering why everyone seemed to have found their purpose in life, or just what they wanted to do with it but not me. Was I meant to be useless? To be nothing more than something that ruins other people's lives and dreams? Aka, a giant piece of trash (a piece of trash better than Eren though).

It was extremely upsetting to realize they had dreams but I hadn’t. Or just short termed dreams, like going to bed after an exhausting day at school or take a shower after PE. That kind of stuff. I couldn’t think about giving up, because there was simply nothing to give up. All I could do was accomplish these little goals in my life and it was enough. 

But Marco was aiming further than that. He had ambitions, will, and everything he needed to make his dreams come true. He could do something, be useful, be someone. Everything I’d never be.

I should have seen sooner that we didn’t belong together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More school bs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, I'm kinda writing as much as I can before college starts ... XD
> 
> Also I started posting excerpt and updates about the chapters on [my twitter](https://twitter.com/KeithMeLance)! If you want more infos about the fic, you can look there ;)

“So what are you guys doing on Valentine’s day?”

I almost choked out of surprise. Ymir spilled that out of nowhere while we were hanging in the cafeteria. Well, it was pretty obvious why she was asking that. She just wanted to show off, with all the things she must have had prepared for Krista. Even though Valentine’s day was in two weeks.

“I was thinking about going to a restaurant and making fun of couples,” answered Connie with a smirk. 

“Oh yeah! I’ll go with you!” Sasha added. Smooth girl. Maybe they weren’t hopeless after all.

“What about you Armin?”

“Nothing. I’ll stay with my grandpa, so he doesn’t feel alone.”

“You’re not even going to take Annie on a date?” Ymir said mischievously.

“What? Uhh… No…”

I watched Armin blush in uttered incomprehension. I had to have skipped a page, or even a whole chapter. But everyone at the table seemed to acknowledge the fact that Armin had a crush on Annie. To me, it seemed like that idea was out of Connie’s imagination (since he thought I wanted to date Sasha, who knows what else he could have thought about).

I tried to make eye contact with Marco, but he had been avoiding looking at me since this conversation started. Not obvious at all. I had to elbow him to get his attention, while the others were busy making a fuss over Armin and Annie.

“What?” Marco whispered.

“What’s the deal with Annie and Armin?”

“Oh, I forgot you weren’t there.” Thank you, Marco. Good to know I matter to you. “It happened at Ymir’s party. Apparently they talked a lot and became friends. So of course they all started to ship them.”

“What the…” I had a hard time imagining them together. Them being friends wasn’t too surprising, but together as in dating? Fuck, that wasn’t the main issue there. Where did Armin's crush on Eren go? Maybe the poor boy was having his first bi-crisis.

As they kept talking I noticed Sasha, who was glancing at Marco and me. When I caught her, she shifted her head back to her empty plate. I understood that she was wondering if Marco and I would do something and if we would do it publicly.

I had never thought about that. We weren’t together officially, and even between us we never called each other boyfriends or anything. We just kissed, slept together, hanged out…That made the whole thing sound like we were a couple, but we were not.

My feelings towards Valentine’s day were very clear. It was very useless, something created just to force people to buy stuff from companies that tells you it’s the stuff that’ll make your partner happy. It bothered me that they had to make a whole day dedicated to that kind of stupid shit.

But maybe Marco was into that. We actually never talked about it, we never talked about our relationship in general anyways. That wouldn’t be a surprise if he told me he wanted to celebrate Valentine’s day. Then my answer would have depended on what he offered to do. A restaurant is a no from me. Movies are a yes. Bowling is a no (you can’t make me wear these goddamn shoes). Nothing is a yes.

I waited for us to head in our chemistry class to talk to him. You could say we got chemistry lol. I’m not proud of that joke.

“Marco?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to…do something for Valentine’s day?”

He looked at me astonished, like he couldn’t believe what I said. I couldn’t either.

“Do you?” he asked.

“Not really.” I decided to be honest for once, because I wanted to absolutely avoid the awkward surprise date.

“Then why do you ask?” he laughed.

“I don’t know, maybe you want to do something.”

“Not if it bothers you.”

“Okay.”

That day we had an experiment to do in groups of two. It was an obviousness that we were going to be together. It gave us more time to chat. As we put on our lab coats before class, we talked about Armin.

“Do you think they could end up together?” Marco asked.

“No.”

“Jean!”

“Hear me out.” I walked closer to him so he could hear my whispers. “At Ymir’s, Armin got drunk with me and Sasha and he confessed having a crush on Eren.”

“Eren?”

“Yeah, I don’t understand either.”

“No, that’s just…unexpected.”

Class started and we could no longer keep talking. Except of course for chemistry related stuff. I let Marco do all the important things, helping him when he asked me to. I was wondering if I should still do something with Marco for Valentine’s day, even though I didn’t like it. Relationships work in both ways, right? We both had to try to meet each other halfway.

“Can you give me the silver nitrate please?” Marco asked me, making me snap out of my daydream.

“Sure.” I handed him the bottle. We were both wearing safety goggles, but I had to admit he was pulling these off perfectly. I never saw someone looking so good with these on.

“Maybe we could do a little something…” I murmured.

“What?”

“For Valentine’s day.”

Marco put the test tube he was holding on the table and looked at me thought the sexy goggles.

“But you said…”

“I know. I meant like not a big thing where we go somewhere fancy with a lot of useless gifts and that kind of shit.”

“Oh…Ok then…Would a movie night at my place be fine with you?”

“It’ll be perfect. But Marco I swear if you make me see one more Avengers film…”

“No it’s Valentine’s day. Expect a cheesy Netflix romance movie.”

“Oh god, that’s even worse…”

“Mr. Kirstein!” the teacher called me out. “I hope you’re talking about chemical reaction and nothing else.”

“Yes sir, of course.”

When Marco and I talked together, the teachers tended a lot to blame me. A lot. Guess they didn’t want to blame the new kid, the one with high grades, the nice one.

“We’ll keep talking tonight.” Marco murmured while pouring some liquid into another liquid. I wasn’t keeping up on the experiment at all, and I had no idea what he was doing. But I knew it was the right thing.

I watched him doing the experiment on his own during the entire class, and honestly it was the best chemistry class I’ve been in for years. Having to do nothing but watch Marco work was incredible. And even though I liked his smile; I also loved the way he looked when he was really focused.

That was our last class of the day. But I wasn’t near getting rid of him, since I had to work that day. And that meant Marco was going to the gym club with me. Him alone wasn’t a big deal, but it was hell when he was with Reiner. The two of them were having so much fun together, and Reiner usually took the opportunity to touch Marco someway. Nothing too big, like a touch on the shoulder, or a hand on the waist, that kind of stuff. Maybe Marco didn’t realize it, but I did. And it drove me crazy. I had seen all the broken hearts Reiner had left behind him. I had to make sure Marco wouldn’t be one more.

We walked together to the gym club. When Marco changed into his sport clothes, I realized he was getting broader and stronger than when we met. Whereas I was still the same lanky boy. Yet he was supposed to be the one with asthma.

“Hey Jeanie!” Reiner yelled as he walked through the door.

“Reiner.”

He gave me a big pat on the back. That was his way to show affection, and I had the pleasure to receive it a lot more since I left Ymir’s party and made him keep his title of ‘biggest party planner’.

Annie and Berthold were there too, still not matching Reiner’s energy. They were their usual chill selves. Well, maybe chill wasn’t the best word to describe Annie. She was more a cold tempered woman. I wouldn’t have even thought of asking her about Armin, she would have beaten my ass in the second. You don’t want to make her your enemy. That would be a stupid ass move.

I kept my eyes on Reiner the whole time. Just to be sure. I couldn’t deny that he and Marco had grown closer, and I was afraid Marco would choose him. I mean, Reiner was the popular jock and I was the nobody.

As I cleaned the floor, I watched them hit a bag with more strength than I’ll ever be able to have. They never told me why they were training. Reiner’s reason was pretty obvious: he wanted to look good. I assumed Berthold joined him because he didn’t want to be alone, and he must have brought Annie too.

Hannes left early, he had a game to watch apparently, leaving me in charge of closing the club when I’d be leaving. I waited until everyone, including Reiner Berthold and Annie left to be alone with Marco. The thing I needed to ask him…; I didn’t want anyone else to hear it.

“Marco… would you help me to start working out?”

“Oh…Uh, yeah sure. May I ask why?”

As an answer, I pointed with my hand his amazing six pack under his shirt, and then my own inexistent abs. Marco giggled.

“Of course I’ll help you. But you might need another pair of pants.”

“Can’t I work out with my jeans on?” I joked.

“Pfft, you can try.”

Then he showed me some moves, with weights or just a mat on the floor. I couldn’t do them, and honestly I was exhausted just by thinking about doing that. How Marco could do that every two days was a mystery.

“It’s just the basics, but if you do that, let’s say twice a week, it should be enough. It may be hard for you during the first weeks, but you’ll get used to it and it’ll be easier.”

“I’m not sure it’ll get easy.”

“It will. You just have to keep your motivation up.”

He smiled at me, with that recomforting and warm smile that could make me do anything. Even push-ups.

“I’ll try.”

“And if you want we can train together sometimes…”

“Yeah, why not.”

Without thinking about it, I had agreed to spend even more time with Marco. Soon we would be together 24/7. Just like a married couple. I prayed for it to never happen. Not because I didn’t like him, I did, but because that kind of life could only end badly. And I didn’t want our relationship to end on bad terms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Please take care of you <3


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's day

I wondered if I should get all dressed up for what could be my first date. Marco wouldn’t ever call that a date, but to me it felt like it. In the end I opted for a simple flannel with black jeans. Very original. I didn’t forge the main part of my outfit, the beanie. Did I start wearing it more because Marco told me I looked good with it? Yes.

Since I knew this time I was going to spend the night there, I shove my pjs in a bag, so I didn’t have to wear Marco’s one more. They were awful. An eighteen year old man with spider-man pajamas. A strange idea that oddly fitted Marco.

Now for the hardest part. I had to get out of the house without being spotted by my parents. They didn’t go out for Valentine’s day. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time they did. Their love had been dead for years. And usually for their Friday’s night, they just worked in their office.

It turned out way easier than I had imagined. All thanks to a football game my father was watching on tv that didn’t only covered up the noise, but also taking all their attention at the moment. So yeah, I didn’t sneak out, I just walked out like I was going to school. Except it was 7pm.

The way to Marco’s house seemed shorter the more I walked it. I didn’t even need to listen to some music anymore. And I didn’t need to knock on the door anymore, I just let myself in like I lived there.

“I’m in the kitchen!” Marco yelled after I closed the door.

He had told me his gran, sorry, _Irene_ , would be out tonight too, to go out with ‘the girls’. His words. That woman had a social life more active than mine and she was three times my age. I wanted to be like her when I’d get older.

“Hi Jean!” Marco greeted me when I arrived on what could only be called a crime scene. There were dirty plates and dishes everywhere, not to mention all the food scattered all over the kitchen counter. The worst was the flour, literally spilled everywhere in the room, even on Marco’s face and hair.

“What the fuck happened here?”

“I…Uh… tried to make us food?”

“What did you do?”

“…My…best…?”

He was smiling, certainly not thinking about all the time we were going to spend cleaning the mess he made. I found it less funny than he did. Mainly because I had to help him, even though I did nothing. My brain was telling me to leave him to deal with this alone, because he did this by himself. But it was no news that Marco had the power to shut down my brain and make me do anything. That damn smile.

So yeah, my first Valentine’s day ever started with Marco and I cleaning his kitchen. How romantic.

While I was finishing to sweep the flour off the floor, Marco ordered some pizzas. I guess he really wanted to make it the least romantic possible, maybe for me? If he really wanted to make it look less like a date or something he could have invited Connie and Sasha. No, this, even if it wasn’t a date, it was _our_ night.

“The pizzas will be there in an hour, what do you want to do while we wait?” Marco asked.

“I don’t know. We could … watch a movie?”

“Alright.”

We sat on the couch, and Marco put on a random romcom. It was pretty old, the jokes weren’t even the slightest funny, but Marco seemed to be enjoying it for the same reasons I hated it.

The pizzas arrived on time, Marco joked a bit with the delivery guy, something about being single I think. Ordering pizzas on Valentine’s day sure does not make it look like you’re in a relationship. And I never ate as much pizza as when I was with Marco. The boy couldn’t cook and that was his only solution. Even if it was supposed to be just the two of us, I found myself regretting that Irene wasn’t there. She would have cooked an amazing meal.

While we were watching the tv, we both got a million text from Connie and Sasha, whose date or whatever was apparently more entertaining than ours. There were texts, photos, and videos of couples in a fancy restaurant. After a while, it became just annoying, and we let them fool around alone to focus on our night.

Not gonna lie, the best part of the movie was when it ended. It was so shitty I can’t remember the name. But yeah, this film made me tired and there was still more to come. Marco then decided that we should move to his bedroom to watch the other one. I hoped he didn’t think we would get all lovey-dovey under the covers, because I wouldn’t have done that, even to save my life.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and change into my pjs. I wasn’t still very comfortable at the idea of being naked, or even partially naked in front of Marco. In front of everyone actually. Well, I also wasn’t comfortable with the idea of _seeing_ Marco naked. I kinda had a preview of what it looked like, and as much as it seemed nice, I couldn’t bear the thought of looking at him fully naked. Yeah, the bathroom was fine to me.

When we were both ready, Marco turned on his laptop and we laid on the bed. I had missed that bed so much. It was much comfier and warmer than mine, and if I could sleep in it every night, I would.

“Comfortable?” Marco asked.

“Fuck yeah…” I leaned back on the pillows.

Marco giggled and played the film before leaning with me. This movie was as bad as the first one, if not even worse. The actors weren’t bad, but it was just the plot that was filled with clichés and stereotypes. And once again the jokes were just…too much.

I was tired, and the bed was so damn warm…My eyes closed themselves and I thought ‘okay I’m going to rest a few minute eyes closed then I’ll keep watching the film with Marco…’. I fell asleep a second after.

I had a dream that night. The first one since a long time, so long I couldn’t remember. It was set in class, and I was sitting alone in the middle of it, right in front of the blank whiteboard. There was nothing but me and my desk, not even a door. A bright light was coming through the window, making it impossible to see what was outside. Then I heard something.

“Jean?” it sounded more like a growl but I recognized my name. My head automatically turned to my left, where the sound came from.

“You don’t deserve to live, Jean.” Marco said as blood flowed from the corners of his mouth, with tears of blood rolling and leaving red trails on his face. 

That vision of horror made me wake up right away.

Marco was still sleeping next to me, his right arm thrown over his face. I assumed I didn’t scream, at least one good thing. But the room had suddenly become too hot, to the point I could feel my whole body sweating and shaking. I had never experienced such an intense dream.

I got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. My footsteps were slow and my legs were barely doing their job of holding me. I had to lean on the wall a few times to stay up. I sat on the first chair I stumbled upon and let out a sight. That was my first time being physically exhausted from a dream. And at that time, this… vision…it stayed a mystery for me.

If I had been honest with myself, I would have known the reason why this nightmare hurt me that much. I only realized way later it was because it seemed so realistic. The room, Marco’s face, his voice, his words…It all appeared too clearly. As I closed my eyes I could still see his face bleeding in front of me and his voice whispering into my ears that I wasn’t worthy of living. It could only be a premonitory dream.

“Jean?”

I literally froze when I heard his voice, and I’m sure I became as pale as a vampire. It was so bad; I couldn’t even turn my head to look at him. It was the exact same tone as in my dream.

“Jean are you okay?”

He walked around the table to face me.

“Hey.”

He tried to touch one of my hands, but I immediately took it back. Marco didn’t look hurt or sad, he seemed to be confused. Without saying anything, he went to the sink and filled a glass with water. He put it in front of me as he sat on my right.

We didn’t talk, we didn’t even move. Except when Marco took his phone out of his pocket to look at the time. It was 2 am. He didn’t try to do anything, he just let me stare into the void, for god knows how long.

“I’m sorry.” I managed to utter some minutes later. My voice didn’t sound like mine, it was small and shaky. 

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Jean. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

I gathered myself and had the courage to finally look directly at him. His eyes were scanning my face like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

“It’s fine.”

This time when he reached to grab my hand, I let him. He took it into his own and traced circles on the back of my hand slowly, seemingly hypnotized by that. And I was too. Magically, it made my heartbeat slow down.

After a minute of that ‘magic trick’, Marco got up from his chair, still holding my hand like it was a fragile thing.

“Come on. Let’s get back to bed.”

I was too exhausted to contradict him. He dragged me out of the kitchen, and I was basically a lifeless marionette just mimicking him. I climbed up the stairs behind him, and he led us back to his room.

I don’t know why, or how it happened but when we laid in bed, instead of staying on my own side of the bed, I moved closer to Marco. He understood what I was up to, and he put an arm around me and pulled me even closer. My face was almost touching his skin, I could even feel some warmth. It was my first time cuddling with someone.

Okay, now I’ve got to admit… It felt…nice.

It was still weird, to have my body pressed against another body…A bit usual, but not unpleasant. Like it took me a few minutes to get used to his breath being so close to me, and in the end it helped me sleep. Not kidding. His contact surprisingly calmed me down, to the point where I forgot the nightmare for a moment. It was just me and him, snuggling against each other. And Marco was so soft, warm, comfortable, comforting, it was like being hugged by a giant teddy bear.

When I woke up, my head was laying on Marco’s chest, face almost buried in his shirt. I could feel his chest rise up and down as he breathed. He was caressing my hair gently and he still had an arm around me. I stayed with my eyes closed for a while, just enjoying the moment. I didn’t think I’d be able to feel, to live that again. However, Marco noticed I was awake.

“Hey there.” He murmured.

The joke was too strong for me not to do it. So I took my best hoarse robot voice from the bottom of my throat.

“General Kenobi.”

“Pfft, don’t ever call me a nerd, you nerd,” he snickered.

We stayed against each other for a moment, like it was a magical instant in time that none of us wanted to break. Marco kept playing with my hair, even though I didn’t see what was so fun about it. I liked it though.

“You want to get up?”

“Urgh…not yet…”

I was feeling so good, and he was close to ruining everything. I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep.

“Hey, wake up Jean, I have a surprise for you.”

I opened my eyes again, to see him smirking proudly.

“What the…”

He put a finger on my lips to shut me up. “Shhh… It’s a surprise…”

I looked at him doubtfully but he kept his secret and suddenly pushed the covers off me, exposing my body to the cold air in the room.

“Argh nooo!!! The cold!”

“Come on Jean.”

“Noooo!” I buried my face in the pillows to muffle my laughter.

“Don’t be a baby!”

“I’ll stay here forever!”

“You know I can make you move?”

“Make me.”

That’s when he grabbed me by the waist and started to lift me up that I realized my mistakes. Marco could definitely carry me if he wanted to. So I did what I call the cat mechanism of defense. Basically it’s just moving around in every way you can until the person holding you drops you. And he did.

“Okay, you win…But you need to get dressed.”

“It’s Saturday…Can’t we just stay here?”

“I told you, it’s a surprise…”

“Huh…”

I did as he said and got up, dressed myself with the same clothes I threw on the ground the day before. Marco had been faster than me, and he was waiting for me down the stairs with both of our coats in his hands.

“Put this on!”

“Why?” At that point I was so confused, like I thought we were going to stay home, avoiding outside at all cost. I was already freezing inside, I shivered just by imagining what it was going to be like outside. But I obeyed, adding a scarf and my beanie.

“I want to take you somewhere.” He said while taking car keys out of his pocket.

“What?” Maybe I hadn’t been clear enough about the ‘no date’ thing.

“It’s not Valentine’s day anymore.”

“Yeah I’m aware. So…Is that a date or something?”

“Only if you want to…I mean it could also be just a friendly thing.”

“I’ll go with the friendly thing.”

He smiled at me and made the car keys spin in his hand. I wondered what he had in mind. But knowing him, I knew it could only be something cool.

As soon as I stepped out of the house, I immediately regretted it. A gust of wind made me shiver, and if I had stayed a second more without moving, I would have become an ice statue. But it was for Marco, so I took it upon myself and followed him into the car. Gladly, it became a little warmer in it with some time. I watched the road as Marco drove, but I couldn’t guess where he was taking us. I just hoped he hadn’t planned a big thing.

“Here we are!”

He parked in front of a small bakery I didn’t know about. In some random ass town, I never heard about, in the middle of unknown. But it seemed like Marco was only interested by the bakery.

“Why are we- “

“They do the best croissants in the entire world.”

“Marco Bodt, did you bring me to a place that makes croissants on purpose?”

“Yes.” He smirked.

“I hate you so much.”

“No you don’t.”

I pretended to pout, which made him laugh, which made me smile. I really loved his laugh so much. Like, I could listen to it on loop for 10 hours, or even more. That might make it sound like I’m a creep, but trust me, his laugh was worth it. He was worth more than anything in the world.

So he bought me croissants, with a contented smile on his face as he paid. He knew it pissed me off, just because it was french. We walked to a bench in a small park to eat them. And Marco was right, they were fucking delicious. And since they were just out of the oven like the baker said, it warmed my hands a little.

It was still early in the morning, rays of sunshine making their way through the fog. Our breaths were forming little clouds that disappeared instantly. It was kinda an odd mood, but in the way that I’ll always remember that moment where Marco and I were eating croissants by ourselves in the cold, on a morning after a half-disastrous Valentine’s day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was probably going to stop writing this. Sorry, I'm bad at keeping promises ^^'
> 
> Writing this is kinda like therapy to me, and I really need that right now
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!!
> 
> (Also quick reminder: I'm more active on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/KeithMeLance), so if you want updates on my fics, please go check it^^)

The night after that one, after I got back home and took care of the pain in the ass that are homework, I couldn’t sleep. I kept turning and moving around in my bed endlessly. No matter what kind of dumb tricks I tried, like relaxing music or breathing exercises, I couldn’t fall asleep. I wasn’t even tired at all.

Maybe I was missing Marco.

That was stupid. I only spent one night with him; and I wasn’t going to miss him after so little time. Maybe it was because of the nightmare. I tried not to think about it, but it always came back in my mind like a stain you can’t wash away. It was always the same part: when Marco told me…

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t believe what he said. Or what I unconsciously said to myself. That part is unclear. I know dreams are like a surreal version of our thoughts, something like that, but I can’t just mistake it for reality. Marco was kind and considerate, he would have never said that to anyone. To me.

So, to at least do something productive during that sleepless night, I decided to work on my Marco journal. Yeah, I couldn’t think about anything else besides Marco. I had a vivid memory of his face, so that wasn’t hard to draw. I added more freckles than he actually had, because they’re cute as fuck. But when it came to drawing his body, it was much harder… I had seen him naked only once, and it was months ago. _I should see him like that again…_ Fuck you, intrusive thoughts.

Although, I was probably fated to see his naked self again, eventually. Because right at the time we were just kissing and cuddling, and if we managed to stay together that long, the next step was involving the two of us without any clothes. I mean like …sex. Now that’s a very bad word. Even if it kept coming back to my mind at the exact same time I was thinking of Marco. That was one hint.

I wouldn’t have minded experiencing my ‘first time’ with him. He would care for me and make it all go smoothly. Hell, he would even do some research before, as the nerd he is. And I would just freak out. We could never do it because I would keep freaking out every time lil’ Marco would be too close to me.

No, I shouldn’t have been thinking of that. As much as I wanted … No I didn’t want to do the do. Not with Marco or with anyone else. And if Marco wanted to...Well that was going to make everything even more complicated.

For the rest of the night, I listened to some music to forget it all and get some rest. It didn’t work. Fuck Marco for being unable to get out of my head. Maybe that’s not the right way to say it…

Anyway, I woke up angrier and more tired than when I went to ‘sleep’. It was starting to get on my nerves. Like couldn’t I just go into a coma for 6 fucking hours? Was that too much to ask? No, my body had to be one of those who put you through hours and hours of insomnia. I never thought about getting medicated before that, like taking sleeping pills or anything that could work. But I was afraid it wouldn’t do shit.

Getting ready for school was harder than getting out of bed. I didn’t want to go, and I had no reason to. Not even Marco’s smile could be enough to make school tolerable. At least I had my trustworthy coffee to help me get through this hell that was my life.

As usual, Marco was waiting for me to walk to school. The moment I saw his face, the images of my nightmare came back and I almost ran away from him. I had to blink a few times to see his face as it truly was, and not this bloody mess I imagined.

He started talking about my workout, and what he was planning to make me do. I didn’t listen. It was hard enough to try not to think about the nightmare when he was next to me. But focusing on it didn’t help. You don’t forget something by repeating yourself you have to ignore it. That’s like the dumbest way to do it.

Instead, I tried to remember the stuff I had to learn for the English test of the day. A waste of time, since I had learned nothing. Go to school they say. It’ll be the best years of your life they say.

And when we got to school, the worst was in front of us. There was a crowd in front of what seemed to be a poster, maybe hanged that morning. Everyone seemed happy and excited. And that worried me, because usually when everyone was happy, I wasn’t. It was like a universal rule.

“Fuck yeah!” screamed Eren.

And if even fucking Jaeger was excited, that didn’t mean any good for me. On the contrary. It started to get on my nerves so I pushed some people with my elbows to make a way to the poster for me and Marco. The next seconds could be summed up as ‘instant regret’.

You could read, printed in very big yellow words ‘Seniors’ Camping Field Trip’. I stopped right after and turned around.

“I’m out.”

“Jean, no.” Marco grabbed me by the collar of my coat to make me stay while he was reading the rest. I sighed and let him do as he pleased.

“I suppose you don’t wanna go,” he said once he was finished. We walked away from the crowd to have some room to talk. 

“The pain/pleasure ratio is way too unbalanced. And spoiler, there’s not gonna be a lot of pleasure.”

“Well I guess going camping in March is probably not my ideal field trip for my senior year but…” He brought his mouth a few inches from my ear, “don’t you wanna be alone in a tent with me?” he murmured.

I backed off by reflex, covering my ear with both hands.

“Haha, you’re so red!” Marco laughed.

Of course the little bastard was proud of himself. Honestly, I didn’t expect that sexual innuendos, especially from him. And yeah I blushed, because it brought back all the nasty thoughts I had the night before. And even more.

I tried to get myself back together on the way to class. My so amazing brain was flooding my mind with all kind of images of things that could happen on that field trip with Marco. Most of these were R-18.

It didn’t get better, just when we were about to start that English test, Marco whispered:

“If it’s the cold that’s bothering you, I could find some ways to keep you warm…”

I sent my feet right into his leg, but that only made him grin more. And something was telling me he wasn’t going to stop soon. He had too much fun messing with me.

I randomly answered the test, too disturbed by Marco's constant grin. If I hadn’t known him, I would have punched his perfect jawline. But maybe there was something funny for me too in his little teases. They reminded me that what we had was real, and I wasn’t in one of my fantasies. Despite pissing me off, Marco was still being nicer with me than anyone had ever been. That’s why I laughed at his jokes. Or I hoped they were jokes…

At lunch, the parasites: Sasha and Connie, ruined our meal once again. Rare were the times I could enjoy a lunch alone with him.

“Okay, Ymir said she’ll sneak some booze, Sash, you get the marshmallows, and I’ll take care of the stuff we need for the fire.”

“It’s going to be lit! No bad pun intended. Wait, you two are going, right?”

Marco looked at me, encouraging me to give an answer for the both of us. It amazed me how much he trusted me, to make a choice, and how he was going to follow me no matter what I chose.

“Of course.” I said.

“I wouldn’t have let you have the choice anyway! Then you’re in charge of snacks, the more the better.”

“Noted!”

After that, I stopped listening, just letting snippets of their discussion reaching my ears. I could tell Marco was awfully excited about this trip. Connie and Sasha too, but they were excited about going to school, so they weren’t really a reference. It was like I was eating with kids.

A minute of silence in the middle of it, and I thought it was over. I was incorrect. Connie put his burger back into his plate and leaned on the table like he was going to tell us a secret. But it was Connie, so I didn’t expect that much coming from him.

“Hey, are you guys also coming to the fair?”

“The fair?” asked Marco.

“Yeah, the annual funfair. It’s right by the end of the town, you know near the weird cornfield.” I shivered at the mention of it. I had seen enough corn in one night to fill a life.

“Oh, when is it?”

“First week of April. And trust me, you don’t wanna miss it.”

“They make the best cotton candy! And the churros!”

The funfair was actually invaded by high schoolers the moment they opened. You could be sure every kid in town was going to be there. During a single week, it was the place TM. I went, when I was a kid, and that was a one-time thing, my mother surely made that clear. She said we were above that kind of distraction. My childhood was a disaster thanks to her.

“Then, I think I’ll go with you guys! Good thing it’s after the Trost Med School entrance exam.”

Right after, he looked at me, like he was asking if I was coming along or not. Again. It was like he couldn’t make a decision on his own. The fair didn’t seem like a good idea, going in a crowded place for- probably- all night long. I was so damn tired and the funfair couldn’t make things better for me. On the contrary. In movies, the funfairs are always the time when shit gets real. I didn’t want to take any risk. I like my life to be calm and peaceful.

Although, I doubted Marco would let me pass this ‘opportunity’ without a two-hours long speech on why I should come. Plus the camping. At least that could spice up a little our workout that evening.

“You’ll see, it’s amazing! And the Ferris wheel is always broken!”

“Broken?”

“It stops for 20 minutes sometimes. Our goal is to get stuck on top of it!” Sasha exclaimed as she high fived Connie.

“I’ll leave that to you two,” Marco laughed. Yeah, we better leave them in their own crazy world. I went back to my lunch, while they were making plans for the funfair already.

About two minutes later, Marco pulled a bottle of water out of his bag, and that was weird. I didn’t recall him carrying around a bottle. Or even being someone who drinks a lot of water. Anyway.

Connie and Sasha kept talking, but none of their words reached my ears. My whole brain was stuck on Marco drinking, on the small drops of water running down his chin and his neck, on his Adam’s apple going up and down, on his hand firmly gripping the bottle…God, it sounds like I’m writing a porn book.

Marco noticed me staring.

“Want some?” he asked innocently. He had no idea of what was on my filthy mind, that poor boy.

“Sure, thanks.”

I grabbed the bottle he was handing me and took a sip. I wasn’t even thirsty. My mind just went on autopilot after seeing Marco drinks in such a sexy way.

“HEY! Indirect kiss!” Connie yelled, almost making me spit out.

I hadn’t noticed. Marco blushed and looked away. That damn nerd needed to get more confidence, there was no way I could date a stereotypical anime high school girl who turns red at the single mention of a kiss.

“Hey Connie!” I yelled back. “You know what’s better than an indirect kiss?”

“Huh?”

I walked over to Marco, and I didn’t have the time to see his expression before I pulled his head toward mine with a hand and kissed him. Our lips touched for 5 long seconds.

“A direct kiss.” I said while backing off a little.

I got the result I was aiming for. Connie was eyes wide opened, his mouth also agape. Damn I was proud of myself. It felt good to shut him up once and for all.

“What the fuck?”

“Pfft, I’ve been knew.” Said Sasha.

“What? Can someone explain?”

“They’re fucking.”

“Sasha!” yelled Marco who regained consciousness after being off for a few seconds.

I was still grinning from the satisfaction that it brought me, but then I turned over to Marco and my smile immediately disappeared. He was frowning and his arms were crossed like a dad about to scold his disobeying child. In that case, I was the child who fucked up.

All the alarms in my head were going off, telling I messed up so much it might even not be repairable. And the more I looked at him, the more I was convinced he was particularly mad at me.

He waited until Sasha and Connie left for their History class to grab my hand and take me to a quiet corner of the cafeteria, where nobody could see us.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why did you do that Jean?”

“I…Uuh…for the joke?”

“Seriously? For the joke? You think our…relationship is a joke?” He didn’t sound mad or angry, just…disappointed. Which was worse. If he was angry, at least I could have had a reason to be angry too.

“No that’s- “

“I thought you wanted to keep it just between us, and suddenly you tell Sasha and Connie, what’s going on?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Listen Jean. I don’t want to put any kind of pressure on you. But we’re both in this together. So I’ll need you to talk to me, okay?”

I just nodded and uttered a weak ‘sorry’.

“It’s fine.” He said while walking to me, before hugging me. Our head rubbed together, and I felt a little bit better. That was the world upside down: I disappointed Marco, but he was the one comforting me. I really sucked as a boyfriend. Not even able to fix his own mistakes. I was glad the burden fell on Marco, and not on someone less patient and kind.

“But you really took the words out of my mouth by doing that,” he murmured against my neck.

“There are other ways I could make you speechless…”

“Oh for the love of god Jean!” He grabbed me by the shoulders, all red.

“Two can play this dangerous game Marco…” I was the one in control that time, and I was going to make Marco pay for all the tease he put me through.

“Only one can win, and it’s going to be me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, sunshine boy…”

“We’ll see…”

He cupped my face with his hands and kissed my nose softly with a little ‘chu’ noise. I could feel my face heating up right away. All these little attentions he was giving me…they went straight up to my heart and made me softer every time.

I loved him so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!!
> 
> If you like this fic, please leave a comment! It helps me keep going!
> 
> Don't forget to take care of you <3


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Camping!

The camping field trip turned out worse than I expected. It still had some good side and not thanks to the presence of someone whose name rhythms with Aren Vaeger, and also because of many other things. But globally, it could have been worse. That’s what they’re going to write on my tombstone: ‘It could have been worse’.

Marco and I sat by each other during the long bus ride. Sasha and Mikasa were playing a card game while Connie was annoying Armin with all kinds of questions about the forest we were going to.

At some point, Marco sneaked his hand near me, and without him telling me, I grabbed it. We held hands for the rest of the ride. I liked it a lot, and I think Marco did too. I even surprised myself by dreaming about him and I going on a little stroll in the woods alone, hand in hand. I turned my head over to the window so he wouldn’t see me blush.

We were dropped at the edge of the forest. The huge trees were dominating us like we were nothing more than a group of lost ants. Which in some way, we were.

We had to walk for thirty minutes in the woods. That by itself was already annoying, but it was even more irritating with Ymir pestering every two minutes against the mud, or Sasha and Connie trying to grab some insects to scare Krista. That amused Marco. But less Mr. Ackerman who threatened to take away the food we sneaked if we kept doing that. I got pissed off because he included me even though I did nothing wrong.

It was about 10am when we got to the spot where we would put the tents.

“Okay kids, now split in two groups, boys with Mr. Ackerman and girls with Dr Hanji.”

This was meant to prevent anything…sex related to happen, but with the amount of non-straight people there were, it was less likely to work. Ymir made that clear when she winked at us before grabbing Krista by the waist. The gays always win.

It was all fun and games, until we were told we had to be three per tent since some people forgot theirs.

“Guess I’ll be tagging along then!” yelled Connie into our ears.

So much for the night alone with Marco.

It took an overall of two hours to set up all the tents. Only like three people knew how to do that, and good for me Marco was one of them. He told me he used to go camping in his garden with his siblings. He ended up helping almost everyone.

At lunch, we were given sandwiches. They had only the name of a sandwich. It only consisted of two pieces of bread with ham in the middle. I’m not sure it was even ham. It didn’t even look like it. I couldn’t eat that, so I happily gave my part to Sasha. Pretty sure I made her day better.

In the afternoon we had to take part in a kind of “game” where we had to look for stuff in the forest with a map. A very badly drawn map. Needless to say, the only ones who were enthusiastic about this game were the teachers, and I don’t think Mr. Ackerman was very fond of this. Dr. Hanji on the other hand… They were practically forcing us to do this.

Marco and I got paired together. I was starting to wonder if the teachers, especially Dr Hanji, were shipping us. Or maybe that was just me being paranoid. However, the winks and the obscene gesture Connie were addressing me were very explicit.

“Are you sure we’re going the right way?”

“I know how to read a fucking map.”

“Yeah, but we haven’t seen anyone else yet.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

Two hours later it turned out I didn’t. I got us lost, and even Marco couldn’t figure out where we were with the map. We just stood in the middle of some random path. None of us knew what to do in that case.

“If we walk in a direction, we’ll eventually find someone!”

“That’s not how it works Jean.”

“Well I don’t know then!”

Marco sighed and let me get angry at nothing. What’s more, we didn’t have any food or water with us. We could have died there. Well if we were to die there, at least I had the possibility to not die a virgin. If there’s one thing I need to be straight about, it’s my priorities. 

“Marco?”

“Hum?”

“Did you ever have sex?”

“No.”

He didn’t even take his eyes off the map to answer in a very monotonous voice. No blushing, no stuttering, no signs of any embarrassment. Unlike me, who had my heart beating so fast and sweating palms.

“Why? You want to?” Marco asked in the most innocent way, looking at me this time.

“I…N…no…I mean- not now.”

“It’s fine, Jean. We don’t have to.”

He smiled at me, supposedly to make me feel better I think, but it didn’t really help. Maybe because it brought us closer to the fatal moment. And yeah I was anxious about it. Although knowing Marco was inexperienced like me kinda helped.

But we were still lost. Connie and Sasha weren’t answering their phones when we tried to call them. Quality friends. Marco called Armin, and he answered.

“Armin!” Marco let out.

“Put him on speaker!” I said.

“Yeah, a sec.”

_“What’s going on?”_

“We’re lost.”

_“Where?”_

“Well, guess what smartass, the definition of being lost is not knowing where the fuck we are!”

“Calm down Jean.

_“Did you lose your map?”_

“Fuck no! We don’t know where we are the map for fuck’s sake!”

“Please don’t listen to him, he’s angry. We weren’t reading the map the correct way.”

_“Okay…Can’t you use your phone?”_

Marco put a hand right in front of my face so I wouldn’t yell on Armin once more. Even if it wasn’t the want that was missing.

“We tried, but it just said we’re somewhere in the forest.”

_“Okay, Eren and I were going back, but we’ll try to find you. Can you like play a loud song on your phone?”_

“Sure, thank you Armin.”

_“Don’t worry. And call if you have any problem.”_

“Thanks.”

Marco hanged off his phone and sighed. There were a lot of sighs involved that day. I wonder why. He chose a song, some heavy metal stuff with screams and loud guitars. I never doubted listening to it on loop would be giving me a headache.

“Maybe we should sit down.”

“Yeah.”

Honestly at that point, sitting in the mud wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to us. We sat in the middle of the roots of some giant ass tree. I spread my legs in front of me to get comfortable. I had the feeling we would be here for some time, even though Armin could be there any minute.

“Can I ask why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you ask me earlier…”

“Oh. I just wanted to know since, you know, we’re together and shit…”

“You said it.”

“What?”

“You said it. You just said we’re together.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No! No, absolutely not! I’m just glad you finally said it.”

“Is that all?”

“Hey, it’s a big step.”

I giggled and laid back on the tree behind us. It was rough and would have probably hurt my back badly if I stayed like this for too long. Eh, we wouldn’t have to wait anymore, Armin was supposed to be coming for us. Our hero.

Suddenly, I heard something. I wasn’t sure, because the song we were blasting was covering all the noises around us. I got confirmation when I saw a black figure running extremely fast in the distance between the trees.

“Marco, turn off the music.”

“What’s going on?”

“Just turn it off.”

Marco obeyed and cut off the music. It took some time for my ears to get used to a normal volume of sound, but gladly my eyes were perfectly functional. I saw that black figure again, this time closer to us. After that, there was no doubt now on the fact that it was a human and that they were coming towards us.

“I saw that,” Marco whispered.

“Let’s move.”

We got up, both of us looking in every direction. Who knows what it could have been? A fellow student, a psychopath…If it was a classmate, they would have come to us directly, and not run like a mad man. Marco must have understood that around the same time as me, and we started moving away from our spot stealthily. Or at least, we tried to.

I was so fucking glad Marco was there. I would have shit myself if I had been alone.

We walked to some bushes that seemed to be big enough to hide the both of us. No need to tell me twice, I jumped in it and curled up like a fetus to make some room for Marco. He squeezed next to me and we waited silently.

Just when I thought we were done with it; we heard some footsteps getting closer to us. There were maybe three, four people. They weren’t talking. They got so close to us we could hear their breath. We stayed silent, we couldn’t have done anything anyway, we were paralyzed by the fear.

_*click clack*_

That was the first time I was hearing that kind of noise, but I could immediately recognize it. It was the distinctive sound of someone cocking a gun. Marco brought his hands to his mouth maybe to stop himself from screaming and my vision was getting blurry. They had a gun. They could have shot at us anytime. I didn’t even know how to handle a gun wound.

I could feel Marco’s tensed muscles against me. There was nothing we could do but keep hiding and make no noise. I closed my eyes and prayed to whoever I could reach at the moment.

The footsteps went away with time, but we were still holding our breaths. They could come back, or it could be a trap. If they were psychopaths, we should have expected everything. One thing was certain: we weren’t safe.

Marco’s eyes met mine. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I was sure he could do the same. We must have looked as pale as ghosts. The hardest part was to not breath heavily and keep the control of my heartbeat. And the control of my emotions. It would have been easier to break down under the pressure and just cry the hell out of me. 

I don’t know for how long we stayed there. We couldn’t, or we wouldn’t have dared to even move to check our phones. We didn’t even talk to each other. This whole situation was crazy.

“Jean! Marco!”

It was Armin. I instantly felt a little better, although it didn’t mean we could come out yet. They could still have been there waiting for us. Marco seemed to be hesitating too. But whatever he was going to do, I was following him. No way I’d have let us split up.

“At 3, we run.” He said.

I nodded and we both got our legs. After staying in a sitting position for this long, it hurt a little. But the adrenaline had taken over me. I felt like I could run a marathon (probably not, but I could have run a much longer distance than in PE).

“1…2…3!”

We dashed out of the bushes and ran like hell towards the direction of Armin’s voice. At first we didn’t see him, and I panicked thinking we dreamt or had an illusion. But then, a blonde head appeared from behind a tree.

“Jean?...”

We almost crashed into him. Marco tripped and stopped a few meter away.

“What?”

“Psychos…huf…guns…” I uttered, exhausted from our little race.

“What?”

“Yeah what the fuck Jean? Couldn’t you come up with anything better?” said Eren, seemingly amused by the situation.

“Do you think we’re joking Jaeger?”

“We have to go back. Quick.” Marco interrupted.

“You don’t look good. Take some water.” Armin handed me a half empty bottle; I happily took it. I drank like a man who had spent weeks in a desert. Then I gave Marco the bottle. He drank as we started walking, following Eren and Armin who knew where we were.

“Jean?” Marco called.

“Yes?”

“Come here.”

I moved closer to him. He slid a hand behind my head, brought his face closer and kissed me passionately. His lips were still wet from the water and they were like slipping on mine. I guessed this was a “hell yeah we managed to make it out alive!” type of kiss. Whatever, I liked every kiss Marco gave me.

It took us 15 minutes to get back to the camp. In the meantime, we explained to them what happened, with all the details. They didn’t believe us the first time, but Marco convinced them.

When we arrived, we all sat around a wood table, the map wide opened in front of us. Not every team came back yet, so we had some time to talk.

“Where exactly did you go?” Armin asked.

“First we went left and then…”

We tried to remember the paths we took to get there. Thankfully, Marco had a pretty good memory, and could read a map better than me.

“We saw the lake, and after we went this way…I think we went right after but there’s no path on the map.”

“You sure?”

“90% sure.”

“Do you think it’s possible it’s just not indicated on the map?” I questioned. Like Marco, I was sure we went right after the lake.

“Maybe. It’s pretty close to the lake, fishermen could have made that.”

“It’s possible.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Ymir arrived and sat next to me without asking the permission. Marco explained everything one more time. Not me, I was tired of telling the same story.

“Wow, that’s some creepy shit. Are you gonna tell the teachers?”

We all glanced at each other, hoping someone would have the answer. Apparently none of us had thought about that.

“No.” Finally said Armin. “From what we know now, it could have been some huntsmen. We don’t have enough evidence.”

“And we could get punished for walking too far away. We weren’t supposed to go all the way to the lake.” Marco added. He was right, the teachers had specified we shouldn’t go that way before the ‘game’ started. With all that, I had forgotten it was supposed to be a game.

The possibilities for them to be huntsmen was pretty obvious. However, the school wouldn’t have organized a field trip in the middle of a hunt ground. Or they were hunting near the lake, that would have been why we were told not to go there. Still, it wasn’t safe enough for a school to come here. They could have mistaken a kid for an animal and shot at them.

In the end, we didn’t mention this incident to anyone else. Well, Ymir must have talked about it with Krista, and Eren to Mikasa but I think that’s all. There wasn’t the need to make everyone know about this anyway. Especially if it ever turned out Marco and I freaked out for nothing.

I can’t even remember who won that stupid game. Guess it’s not important if my brain erased that memory. We had some free time until lunch, to play around. They must have thought we were kids. Most of us just sat in circles and chatted. I didn’t involve myself too much, but it was still pretty nice.

We shared the snacks and drinks we all brought. A bottle of vodka had been somehow hidden as a water bottle, everyone was passing it around and thanking for it like it was holy water. Marco and I didn’t drink. I don’t know his reason, but mine was because I wanted to have a clear and functional mind in the case the psychos found us. Call that paranoia, I call that being prepared.

I couldn’t think about anything else but what happened. The huntsmen hypothesis was actually the more realistic one, and the one I should have thought of from the start. I didn’t know why, but my body reacted in a whole another way than I was expecting it. Instinct maybe. And it was telling me these guys were not here to kill some birds.

There was also this thing about the little path we took. How come it wasn’t on the map? It didn’t look recent to me, or different from any other. It was just far enough from the lake to not see it. That didn’t make sense to, fishermen wouldn’t have made a way from which you can’t see the water. Although it seemed like it was big enough for them to carry their equipment. That was bugging me. I knew there was something wrong with this whole thing, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And I hated that.

Marco didn’t seem to fully enjoy the evening either. We were the only ones who didn’t take part in any games the others were playing. Well, it’s not like I really wanted to play the bottle or listen to their ‘scary’ stories. I had my daily dose of fear and panic.

Around midnight, we were told to go to sleep by Mr. Ackerman. The girls were planning on keeping the night going on their side, but honestly you needed someone like Sasha to play poker against Mikasa. No one else was that crazy. I just craved sleep, to get away from all the things that happened that day.

When I got to the tent, there was a surprise waiting for me. Not only did Connie invade _our_ space, but he also put his sleeping bag right between Marco’s and mine.

“Connie, what the hell?!”

“Whoa, calm down. I’d rather be there, where I know you two won’t do anything weird while I’m in here.”

“Fuck you.”

So I just went in my sleeping bag on the far left, while Connie was showing memes to Marco. Muffling the sound with my pillows didn’t help. So I just stared at the top of the tent until Marco decided it was time for them to go to sleep and forced Connie too.

“Goodnight Connie. Goodnight, Jean.”

Okay, I may have smiled a little. But that didn’t make up for the fact that I desperately needed to sleep with Marco.

I couldn’t sleep again. That was Connie’s fault. If he hadn’t been there, I could have slept with Marco, and I knew I always sleep better with him by my side. I made a note to myself to sleep with him during finals week.

“Marco? Are you awake?”

No answers. I thought he didn’t hear me over Connie’s loud snores.

“Marco?”

Still no answers. He had to be asleep. I got up and out of the tent by myself. It wasn’t cold outside, just a little bit chilly. The fire had died, and there was nothing else to keep me warm that to keep moving.

I started walking into the woods, careful to not go away from the camp. The last thing I wanted would have been to get lost and what happened earlier to repeat itself. But I was really enjoying this. I wouldn’t have left this place without my little stroll in the woods, with or without Marco.

It sucked that I couldn’t be alone with Marco. I would lie if I said I didn’t imagine some of the things that could have happened in the tent… Well, I could say goodbye to my wet dreams. Dreams that wouldn’t be staying dreams for long... I was glad it was cold outside, otherwise, I would have probably…uhm... slipped. Not in a good way.

I walked to a tree trunk that was laying around and was used as a bench. To my surprise, Armin was already there, a book opened in his hands. He noticed me and closed it.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked.

“No.”

“You can sit with me if you want.”

I had nothing better to do, so I went and sat on the tree with him.

“You’re still thinking about earlier?”

“No, Connie snores too fucking loud.”

“Ha.”

“You still do?”

“Yeah. To be honest with you, I don’t really believe it was huntsmen.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well, you said they were dressing in black, right? Usually huntsmen wear camouflage clothes. And if you had the music on speaker, they would have heard and go meet you, not run in the woods. And I also don’t think the school would make a camping field trip in the middle of a hunt zone.”

“Who do you think it could be then?”

“Some people who weren’t supposed to be there.”

I shivered. Marco and I… We could’ve died that day. Or worse, only one of us could have died. Marco…he could have been shot right in front of me and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything to save him…

“I-…I need to go back.”

“Okay. Good night.”

“Don’t stay up too late.”

He rolled his eyes, and I left the tree. It was suddenly cold, and I hurried to go back to our tent. I got in as fast as I could, but still struggling to close it. Then I went over to Marco and shook him a little.

“Marco! Hey Marco wake up!”

He rolled over and slightly opened his eyes.

“Jean? … What time it is.”

“Huh…I don’t know.”

“Why are you waking me up?”

“Can I sleep with you?”

He looked at me through his half-closed eyes and opened his sleeping bag so I could come in it.

“Thank you.”

There was barely enough space for the two of us, so we had to be all against each other. Marco put his arms around me and pulled me closer.

“Is it because of …”

“Yes…”

“Don’t worry Jean, you’re not alone.”

He nuzzled his head on my shoulder and moved his hand on my back in circular motions. I finally relaxed and let myself go into his arms. It reminded me than even if we went through hell, or what seemed like it that day, Marco was still there with me.

The world could turn against me, as long as I had Marco I would be fine.

We were woken up the next day by Mr. Ackerman banging on some pans. How nice. Marco groaned, and honestly same. We had found a comfortable position, involving my leg between Marco’s, and some sleepy arms.

“Guess we have to wake up.”

“Argh.”

We untangled our bodies and managed to get out of the sleeping bag without anyone getting hurt. Then, Marco had to wake up Connie who was deep into his sleep. Meanwhile, I was cleaning up the tent. It was a shame we had to stay there for such a short time, but in a way I was glad. This place was giving me the creeps.

“Pick up your trash, kids. If I see some waste, detention.” Mr. Ackerman was yelling.

He wasn’t kidding about cleaning. I did my best to help, but in the end it was Marco who did all the things again. He was a dream man.

The rest of the morning, we had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Hanji lecture on why we have to protect the forest and why it is so important. We had this speech almost every time we went on a field trip. And even if they made it more interesting than the other times, I was still too scared to listen to anything. I was expecting to see guys all dressed in black coming out of the woods and shot at us.

We left the camp in the afternoon, but this weird feeling inside of me never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	33. Chapter 33

“Jean.”

Marco was being annoying. After our disastrous camping experience, he gave me a break, but he was back on his bullshit. I was trying to work on my math, for once, but right at that time Marco decided to be a dick. We were in the library so he couldn’t be loud, but that didn’t stop him. He kicked my leg a few times, repeating my name.

“Jean.”

I looked up from my notes, the only way to make him stop and stared at him. “What do you want?”

“You know, there’s something important coming soon…”

“Lunch?”

“No…”

“The weekend?”

“Come on, try harder!” Well, sure, if he wanted to be heard by the librarian and get kicked out of there.

“Finals?”

“No, that’s in a long time. Something closer.”

“Your college entrance exam?”

“Still no.”

“Then I don’t see it.”

“It’s something that only happens once a year…”

“My birthday?”

“Yes!”

 _Shit._ Of all the things he could’ve chosen, it had to be my birthday. What’s more, it was my eighteenth birthday. Something I’ve been waiting for a long time. And knowing him, he wouldn’t have asked that without an idea in mind. That was why it scared me. _Please not a surprise party, not a surprise party…_ That was the reason why I never told him my birthday (or ask for his).

“How do you know- “

“I asked Armin.” Of course he asked Armin, that little snitch. If only my birthday was earlier in the year, he couldn’t have done anything then…

“So what?”

“I know you’re not going to do a whole party, but maybe a little something?”

“No.”

“You’re no fun Jean.”

“And you’re just trying to find excuses to party.”

“Maybe.” He shrugged and I rolled my eyes.

That was two weeks before my birthday. It gave him plenty of time to prepare something, but he didn’t. I knew because I was constantly checking my phone when I could, and I also asked Connie and Sasha. They couldn’t lie without being obvious, it came handy for once.

I only got my answers the day before my birthday. And it was Marco himself who told me on the way to school.

“Can I come to your house tomorrow after school?” he asked.

“Will you be alone?”

“Yes Jean, it’ll be just me.”

“Okay. But I swear if that’s a surprise party- “

“You’ll beat my ass, I know.”

“And no presents.”

“No gifts, I got it.”

Later he told me if it was okay for him to spend the night there. Without thinking too much I said yes. Then I progressively realized what it could possibly mean. It actually could have a lot of interpretation, from a movie night to a sex night. I didn’t ask him what he had in mind precisely, so I prepared for everything.

The next day, Marco greeted with a way-too-tight hug. He wished me a happy birthday through my screams. By the way, he was the only one who remembered, along with Armin who just whispered it to me at lunch. I appreciated it, if Connie or Sasha heard, it would have been the end of me.

I wasn’t working that day. Hannes insisted I should have the day off. He said I was doing a great job these days and I needed to take a break to celebrate my birthday with my family and friends. Like I had one of these.

The first thing I wanted to do after getting home was to clean my bedroom. I wasn’t an idiot and I knew too well what was going to happen that night, right in my own bed. I was counting on Marco to have a condom with him. That was the least he could do. And even if it was just an eventuality, I still prepared some clean sheets for the bed. You never know.

There wasn’t really anything to clean in my bedroom, besides some messy stuff on my desk, so I quickly found myself doing nothing but staring at a wall and trying to imagine how the night could go. And my mind was more inclined to imagine bad endings instead of good ones. Well, guess who started to freak out? Me.

“I should have gone to his house…” I said to myself.

That was a bad idea, from A to Z. I had no idea how to sneak him in, how to sneak him out in the morning, what we were going to do, how we were going to do it…Hell, my parents could even hear us. That would probably have been the worst outcome of the night.

In the end, it erased all the excitement I could have to spend the night with Marco. Sure, I was happy about it, but it brought so much stress and anxiety I forgot to enjoy the moment.

I had dinner with the elders after. Nothing much to say about it. Since it was my birthday they actually tried to talk with me, like if I was planning to invite some friends over. I’m sure what my father had in mind was something fancy with distinguished people and champagne, not me sneaking my boyfriend in to fuck. Everyone has their own dream.

My mother actually made a cake. Not gonna lie, it looked like this cake had been through a dozen lives before arriving on that plate. She had tried to put some rainbow sprinkles on it to maybe make it look better. It didn’t help, the cake had a horrible taste.

After that I locked myself into my room. I had another two hours to wait before Marco arrived, and I spent them well, scrolling on Twitter. The most efficient way I knew to lose time. It worked. I hadn’t noticed it was time until I got a text from Marco saying he’ll be there in a few minutes.

My plan to make him enter the house without being seen by my parents was simple. I had to go to the backyard door, which I had previously stolen the key, to open it. Then I’d just walk to get Marco who would be waiting for me in the street. We’d come back through the door, then we’d get home, sneak into the bedroom and we were done!

I got down the stairs quietly, only to realize I was alone in the house. The TV was off, and no lights were on. After glancing outside to confirm there was no car anymore, I understood my parents left me alone.

In the kitchen, there was a note on a post-it. I knew this too well.

_Jean, we let you have the house for yourself._

_Have fun!_

_Mom and dad._

Why wasn’t I surprised? I told you they were expecting me to throw some big party for my eighteenth birthday. When it was just Marco and me. Come on, we weren’t in some bad stereotypical American movie.

It made me almost forget to get Marco. I rushed outside, worried he might have been waiting in the cold for a long time. The automatic lights turned on in the garden. I had forgotten about them, so much for staying discreet. When I arrived at our meeting point, he was already there, waiting for me with two bags in his hands.

“Happy birthday Jean! Again!”

“Yeah, I know. Come on, my parents just left.”

We sneaked through the backyard, but Marco stopped before we entered the house.

“Oh my god, you never said you had a pool!”

I turned around to see Marco ecstatic in front of the small pool my parents had built behind the house. To be honest, no one really used it. It was more like a trophy, to show that my father had the money to have a nice and expensive pool, jacuzzi or whatever he would call it.

“Yeah, why? You wanna get in?” I joked.

“Yes!”

Without asking more questions, he threw his bags on the ground and began undressing himself, starting with taking off his shoes and pants. I blinked a few times to make sure what was happening was really happening. Marco getting naked right in front of my salad.

“R-…Right now?”

“Of course, Jean.”

“It’s the middle of the night!”

“First, it’s only 11. Second, I came for the fun, and I’ll have it.”

“Okay…Uhm…Let me just get some towels…”

I ran into the house, to the bathroom and grabbed the first clean towels I found. While I was away from Marco for a minute, I tried to calm down. My heartbeat was so fast, and just because of Marco and the pool.

“Come on Jean, it’s just Marco. Just him.”

When I came back, Marco was already in the pool. I sighed at the relief of not having to deal with his whole strip tease. Gladly, he had kept his boxers on.

“I brought the stuff. But don’t blame me if you catch a cold.”

“Don’t worry.”

He was swimming gracefully, moving his arms and legs in slow motions. I sat a few meter away of the pool. I wasn’t safe from being pulled in forcefully. I knew it could happen anytime; he was the kind of guy to do that. Especially after hanging with Connie and Sasha so much.

A minute later, Marco stopped swimming and just let himself be carried by the water. He was looking like a dead corpse floating on the river he was thrown into. His face was calm, relaxed, serene. I think he was prettier like that than when he was smiling. Maybe because it calmed me down to look at him like that.

Suddenly, I felt a burst of adrenaline and decided to join him. I took off my hoodie and my shoes before he noticed me.

“Jean?”

“I’m coming.”

“But- “

“I know. Good thing I’ve got you to help me, right?”

He looked at me doubtfully, I would’ve too. But at that moment, I didn’t think about anything else. I wanted to go into the pool with him. I wanted to take my revenge on Reiner. I wanted him to hold me so I wouldn’t drown. I wanted to float like him. I wanted Marco.

Somehow, it didn’t bother me or cool me down to have Marco watching me getting completely undressed. Later, I realized it was the first time he was seeing my body like this. Fuck I’m glad he didn’t say anything about it. The effects of my working out weren’t showing yet. Unlike him, who had the musculature of a god.

I took a deep breath and sat on the edge, my legs in the water. It was a bit cold, but that wasn’t my main concern. I had no idea if I could reach the bottom. Probably not. Marco didn’t seem to, and he was taller than me.

“It’s okay,” he said, swimming towards me. “I’ve got you.” He was so close to me I could’ve given him an uppercut with one of my legs. “Take a deep breath and jump.”

I didn’t think more. I closed my eyes, stopped breathing and let myself fall. The cold water surrounding me was the first thing I felt. Then it was Marco’s arms, pulling me out of the water. My eyes were blurry for a second but I could still see his smile.

“You did it!”

“Hell yeah!”

He brushed off some wet strands of my hair with a hand, the other one still holding me tightly. I was feeling so confident, I would have flown away if he told me I could.

“Teach me how to float like you.”

“Float?...Okay, it’s not really hard. I’m sure you can do it.”

Maybe he was a bit too optimistic but I had nothing to lose, I was deep inside the water already. He brought us to the center of the pool. It scared me a little, I had no edge to hold on to if I messed up.

“You don’t have to do anything, just don’t panic or try to stay still. It’ll come naturally.”

I let go of him, making sure he was still holding me. Then I tried to lay down. But it was harder than it looked when he did it. I couldn’t throw my head backward or even my back.

“I’m holding you Jean.”

After a few tries, I managed to get a good laying position. Marco was holding me by my neck and my back, almost like he was carrying me like a princess.

“Am I floating yet?”

“No you need to spread your arms and legs first.”

“Like a starfish?”

“Pfft, if you want.”

I did as he told me.

“Okay, now I’m going to let you float, okay Jean?”

“Okay.”

I felt his arms going away from me and I was expecting to fall down to the bottom of the pool. But I didn’t. I stayed on the surface, floating. It was effortless, and I had the most amazing view of the night sky. If there wasn’t any light, I think I could have felt like I was floating in space, in the middle of stars.

“Just so you know, you’re floating.”

“I know.”

I smiled and closed my eyes, enjoying the moment to its fullest. I finally understood why some people liked swimming that much. That’s a 100 times cooler than just laying on the ground or even on a mattress.

Then, I stopped breathing and let myself get drawn down to the bottom. Keeping my eyes open, I could see the water above me moving, the lights reflecting on it and the darkness progressively absorbing me, drifting further into the silence. Until a black shadow suddenly blocked the light and pulled me the way up.

“Jean! Are you okay?”

I coughed up a bit, but my nose was the worst. It was like he was stuffy. There was water all the way to my brain.

“Yeah…”

“Do you have any idea how much you scared me? I thought…” That pretty sunshine boy was speaking too much and it was getting on my nerves.

I grabbed his head and kissed him. Not the best idea after almost drowning… What can I say? Kissing Marco had become my favorite hobby.

He responded in the second, pulling me closer by the waist. That’s approximately when I became aware of how naked we were. Normally it would have been enough to make me blush and run away from him. But not that time.

I kept kissing him, my inside becoming more and more hot. Marco literally carried me to the edge of the pool, putting my back against the cold wall and pressing his entire body against mine. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist, holding onto Marco like a koala to his tree.

We kissed deeply, opening our mouths to let each other in. At that point, we were just two moaning messes. His hands were everywhere on me, and every touch made me grip harder on his hair. He was caressing my waist, my back, my thighs, as his mouth was almost eating mine.

My boxer was getting tighter. It didn’t get better when he left my mouth to drop kisses on my neck. I tilted my head back and let out a moan.

“Marco…”

He kept going down, leaving kissing down my neck to my chest. It took my breath away.

“Marco…”

“Huh?” He looked up to meet me. His pupils were completely dilated, which made it look like his eyes were all black. It reminded me of a cat’s eyes when they’re playing.

“Bedroom.”

If I was going to lose my virginity, at least I wanted to choose where. Because it felt like Marco was controlling every single part of my body. And when he nodded in agreement, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t go back. That was it. The end of Jean the virgin.

Marco helped me get out of the pool. Fuck our clothes and the towel, we went in still with only the bare minimum on. That only encouraged Marco to touch me more, to let his finger brush on me as we were walking. He was enjoying it, and he smiled even more every time I tripped because his touch startled me.

To climb up the stairs, I grabbed his forearm and we just dashed to my bedroom like there was a fire. When I stopped to open the door, Marco embraced me from behind and kissed my neck. It tickled, and I couldn’t hold back a giggle. I went in and he closed the door behind me.

I laid down on my bed and Marco climbed up on top of me, his hands and legs parted on each side. We were still wet, and some drops of water fell on me. His eyes were gleaming, and there was a strange light inside of them. I was scared but also curious. My body was paralyzed, like he froze me with his glance. We just started at each other’s face like that. Marco was the first one to break.

“No.” He said while dropping on the bed next to me. 

“Why?”

“You don’t want it.”

“I- “

“Listen Jean, I don’t want neither of us to regret anything. Even if there’s just a small part of you that’s not sure about it, it’s a no. We’ll have other chances to do it, when we’ll be both ready.”

He was right. I wasn’t sure I was ready for all of this and I could’ve regretted it. We still had a whole life to do that, and to do that right.

“…okay.”

He smiled at me and grabbed my hand. We were just lying side by side, two horny teenagers who couldn’t get laid.

“And I’m not sure it’s a good idea to do that in front of Jean Junior. The poor kid might get shocked.”

He had grabbed the plushie I had left on the bed. In the heat of the moment, I had totally forgotten about it.

“I’ll be mentally scarred for life too if I saw my parents doing it.”

“Yeah, we have to protect the baby.”

Marco put the plushie between us and laid down on his side to look at me. It was kinda weird to just lay like that, barely naked. The adrenaline, or whatever hormone, was going down and I started to shiver.

“Maybe we should put some clothes on.”

“Yeah, I was starting to freeze!”

That’s what you get from getting out of the water in the cold with no clothes. We were giving a funny spectacle, two naked guys in the middle of the night giggling like two three-year-old. Our stuff was scattered all around the pool. We dried ourselves with the towels and then put back some of our clothes back on. We were going to change to our pjs after anyway.

I turned off the lights, and we went back to my room guided by the light from Marco’s phone. I grabbed a bottle of iced tea on the way, swimming made me thirsty. And not in that way you pervert.

Also, I was immensely exhausted. Whether it was because of the pool, or making out, or just because it was late, I didn’t care. I only craved for my bed. Marco looked a little less lively too. I guessed we were both good for a long night of sleep.

I fell face first on the bed. It was still wet but I didn’t care at all: I needed to sleep on my soft bed. I couldn’t help but let out a sight. A lot of stuff had happened in the last hour, and my brain needed some time to process it.

“Jean?”

“You go change first…I’ll just…” I was too tired to make full sentences. My eyes closed themselves and I felt my mind drifting away. 

“Jean, you can’t sleep in your underwear.”

“Why not?...”

“Why…”

Marco pulled the covers on me. I shivered; they were cold as fuck. But it got better as I warmed them. I couldn’t really get what happened afterwards, but I do remember Marco getting under the covers with me.

I woke up a few hours later, when the sun wasn’t up yet. As soon as I moved a little bit, the covers fell off me. And being naked, or almost, in the cold is the worst thing to wake up to. I pulled the covers back on me, feeling their warmth again. I was wondering why the temperature was so low in my room when something groaned next to me. Someone groaned.

Marco had completely gotten off my mind. He was sleeping on my left, on my bed, in my room. And he was only wearing his boxers. I must have pulled the covers too much towards me, because the upper part of his body was exposed.

He was beautiful. Saying he looked like a Greek god would have been far away from reality. He had an arm throw over his head, showing off his perfect abs and v-line. This was the perfect view to admire him, his torso, his face, his arms… Just like a renaissance painting.

I first hesitated to grab my phone and take a picture. But I had no idea where it was, and I couldn’t take a pic of Marco like this without his approval. So I decided to opt for the second option. I got up and put a sweatshirt on before continuing. I opened the first drawer of my desk and grabbed my Marco journal and a pencil. That was the only thing that could be fitting for the situation.

Marco hadn’t moved at all when I got back in the bed. I found a blank page and started drawing him. More than a pleasure to my eyes, it was also a great anatomy study. I could observe his muscles and his whole body freely. Hell, I could have even counted the freckles on his shoulders.

I knew I probably looked like a creep. But I couldn’t stop staring at Marco and drawing his stunning body. It wasn’t looking as beautiful as it really was, but it wasn’t too bad. Probably my best Marco drawing I ever made.

“You’re finished?” Marco asked, eyes closed.

“Huh, what?! How- since when…Why…”

Marco just laughed and sat in front of me. He grabbed the cover and wrapped himself in it, like a human burrito.

“Since you left the bed.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I was curious. What could the mysterious Jean Kirstein be hiding from me?”

“Pfft, I’m not mysterious.”

“Then can I see the drawing?”

“No!” I put the notebook against my chest.

“See? Mysterious…Ugh, I wanted to know what I looked like.”

He laid back down on the bed, taking almost all the covers with him. I mimicked him, putting my notebook on my nightstand.

“Once it’s finished. I’ll show you once I finished drawing it.”

“Okay.” He added with a smile. “Come here, we still need to get some sleep. There’s school tomorrow.”

Oh yeah, school. Marco had chosen the right day to come, in the middle of the week. I was too exhausted to think about everything, and I’d have needed a day to get over it. It was…a lot. I would be able to focus on anything, so the best thing to do was just to skip school.

“I think I’m not going.” I replied as I huddled against Marco, putting my head against his chest. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled the covers on both of us. 

“Not serious Jean. You need to go if you want to graduate and to go to college.”

“It’s useless. I have no idea what to do.”

“School is important Jean. And if you want to choose later, you can’t do as you please now.”

“I know. I promise this is the last time. After that, I’ll study seriously.”

“You better, Kirstein.”

He buried his face into my hair and snuggled closer. I was listening to his heartbeat getting slower, and my eyes closed to this soothing sound. We fell asleep like this, in the arms of each other. So romantic.

The next morning, my parents hadn’t come back yet. They had probably spent the night in a hotel doing things I don’t want to hear about.

Marco, as the good boy he was, had brought his school bag and an extra change of clothes. I couldn’t have lent him mines anyway. While he was getting ready, I prepared him a small breakfast to eat on the way. It was just bread with strawberry jam, but I was sure it was more than what he could do with his awful cooking skills.

He got down the stairs, fully awake and ready to face another great day of school. I wanted to hiss at him for being so perfect. He took his ‘breakfast’ and I went with him to the front door. Before leaving, he stopped and smiled at me.

“See you tomorrow, Jean. And thank you for tonight.”

He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and left through the door. I had the impression we were a married couple, and he was the husband leaving for work. Except he was going to school and we weren’t married.

I went back to my room, determined to get a few more hours of sleep. But when I laid my head on the pillow, I felt an object underneath it. I grabbed it.

It was a black notebook, probably an expensive one, wrapped with a green ribbon. I untied the knot and carefully opened it. On the first page, there was a post-it note, from Marco (I recognized his handwriting).

;)

_I noticed you were always using the same notepad to draw, I thought it’d be cool for you to have another one!_

_Enjoy!_

That little fuck.

On the third page, there was a picture, held by four piece of green tape. I squinted at it, not really remembering when it was taken. It was a pic of the whole group: Sasha, Connie, Armin, Mikasa, Eren, Krista, Ymir, Marco, and me. I was the only one not looking at the camera which made me look like an airhead.

All around the picture, there were various notes and little messages left from them. It was, for the most part, just saying happy birthday. But each in their own way. There was even a few words from Reiner and Berthold. He managed to make Annie write something too. Mikasa even added a little smiley face next to her message. So cute.

There was no message from Marco. I guessed his was on the post it. Still, that was really a bastard move coming from him. He knew I’d love it. And it was going to be hard for me to make a better gift for his birthday. It was fine I still had…

“When the fuck is his birthday?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> If you like this fic, please leave a comment!
> 
> And don't forget to take care of you <3


	34. Chapter 34

A few weeks after my birthday, Marco had to leave for a whole day to go to Trost. He went to visit the school and also to take the infamous test. There were a lot of people absent that day because of that test, including Armin and Krista.

From what I understood, it was a four hour long test, to evaluate the candidates’ level in different subjects, mainly biology, English, physics, and chemistry. Everyone could take the test but only the 1000 best can apply for the program. And only after completing that program, they could go to med school.

I had no idea it was so complicated. When Marco explained it to me, I thought he was kidding. But no, that was serious. Honestly, it gave me a headache just to think about it. I didn’t want to get into the mess that is university and shit, even though I had to. At least Marco knew what he wanted. It was even more complicated for someone like me, who couldn’t figure out what was the purpose of his life.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to have one. But no matter how many futures I imagined myself in, I was never happy with the result. Every night I was staring at my college applications thinking about all the ways I could waste my life. I got accepted at Sina’s Uni. No surprise: if you could pay for the studies, you were welcome. They only cared about money. It gave away a clue about the kind of people that were there.

So yeah. I was alone for a whole day. Which wasn’t really a problem in class, since all I had to do was sit and pretend to listen. At lunch, it was something else. Connie and Sasha, the usual annoyance were there, but this time, Eren also joined, since his ‘best buddy’ wasn’t there. Mikasa too and thank god she was smarter than her brother and sat between us. I thought Ymir was going to come, but I didn’t see her during the whole day. Maybe she skipped school because it wasn’t worth it without her precious Krista.

“I’m not saying math is useless, I’m only saying math sucks!”

“Without math there’ll be nothing.” Eren tried to argue.

This conversation was pointless. And yet I had to sit there and listen to the whole thing for the only purpose of not eating my lunch alone. It’s moments like this one that makes you realize how lucky you are. For eating with Marco and only Marco every day for example.

I was staring at the cheeseburger on my plate, wondering if they will ever give us actual food. Not even the muffin that was supposed to be our desert looked half decent. I put it in my bag, to keep it for later, maybe. I didn’t eat anything. Food looked…disgusting. More than any other day. That didn’t bother Connie, who was sitting in front of me to take a bite from my burger.

I think they were talking about Armin’s crush on Annie. They were planning to set them up together at the funfair. A really bad plan if you ask me. These two couldn’t fall in love by the other’s doing, both being shy and reserved in their own way. They were probably going to ruin their relationship before it even started. Poor of them.

Connie leaned towards me.

“Oh yeah, Jean, have you and Marco done ‘it’ yet?” his nosy ass asked.

“Huh, what?”

“Well, you know…now that you’re eighteen and it’s legal…”

“Fuck you!” I hit the table with my fist. They all shut up and stared at us. “It’s none of your damn business! Why can’t you shut the fuck up for once!”

I tried to dramatically leave the table, but the truth was, I was shaking and my hand was hurting so bad. But I didn’t care. I was just so fucking mad at him, like, he had no right to ask me that. As a joke or not.

The only peaceful place I found to calm down was outside, in a corner outside of the building. I sat down in the grass and let out a sigh. Why was having friends so hard? It was likely that only Connie and I heard what he said about …But it was still an embarrassing and uneasy question.

“Does your hand hurt?”

I lifted my head, to see Sasha and Mikasa, handing me a cold bottle of water.

“Put that on it.”

“Thanks.” I said while taking it.

Sasha plopped down next to me and stretched her arms and legs. She had an uneaten muffin with her, probably Mikasa’s.

“Ah, it’s good to be away from the cafeteria!”

“I thought you liked it.”

“Not all the time. There’s too many people.”

“I understand.” Added Mikasa while sitting next to her, bringing her knees to her chest. She was really cute, no wonder why so many guys and girls wanted to date her. Unfortunately, she was too busy being a big sister to Eren, even though they weren’t related. Pfft, she didn’t need a man anyway, she was more than fine when handling things on her own.

“Oh, so it’s not because you were worried about me?”

“Absolutely not! I wanted to ask if you were going to eat your muffin!”

I wasn’t planning to. It was a blueberry muffin, and I liked chocolate muffins better. It felt like false advertising. I took it from my bag and gave it to her.

“Help yourself.”

“Yiss, and three muffins for mama Sasha!”

“Sasha. Maybe you should keep one for later.”

“Uh…You’re right. I’ll probably be hungry after PE.”

“Fuck I forgot about that.”

“You forgot about a whole class? What kind of idiot are you?” Sasha laughed while pushing my shoulder.

“Hey!”

“What? It’s true! For how long have you and Marco been hovering around each other before one of you finally realized? A long ass time.”

“Love takes time! You can’t rush things!”

“Marco and Jean…” wondered Mikasa. So, she didn’t know. I was sure Armin told her after my rant at Ymir’s party. Apparently, he didn’t. He couldn’t have forgotten so I guessed he thought I talked under the effects of the alcohol and was not completely ‘sane’ so I said stuff that were supposed to be kept secret.

“We’re a thing.” I simply said. Mikasa wasn’t the kind of person to ask for the details, so I saved her from the pain that it would be to tell everything. I was glad she finally knew. At least, she wouldn’t ask about private things unlike others. I should have told her earlier. She was my friend after all.

“Congratulations.” Sasha was blocking the view, so I couldn’t see if she was smiling or not, but I’m sure she was.

“Thanks.”

“Anyway,” interrupted Sasha, pulling out her phone, “my parents let me go out this Saturday without curfew, and I hope you too guys, because it’s about to be the best fucking night of your life.”

I couldn’t have forgotten about the funfair. Sasha kept bringing it up every day like it was more important than graduating. I guess it was for her. She said she had saved a lot of money to spend on food and games. Mikasa was going because Eren was going and I was because…Because I thought it might have help me think about something else than college and exams. I never thought of it as a date with Marco. Why would I have?

The first Saturday of the month. Also the day the funfair was opening, exactly one year after the previous one. It was pretty big, and you couldn’t do everything in a single night. That’s why they were staying a whole week on the plain near the lake. Many years ago, it was still the forest at that place, but for some reason, they started to cut off all the trees. They were supposed to build a factory or a warehouse I think. The project was never finished and the town was left with this area of nothing. Guess they found a use for it. 

The place was nice though. You could take really nice pics of the lake, with the trees on the other side reflecting in the water. I was sure it could be even more beautiful in the night. Maybe Marco and I could go walk around the lake, just the two of us, holding hands…Ugh, when did I become such a hopeless romantic? I was disgusted of myself.

PE felt like a dream. We were playing basketball I think. At some point the ball landed right in the middle of my face because I wasn’t paying attention. M. Shadis sent me to the bathroom, even though it barely touched me and there was no blood it just hurt a bit. I obeyed and left, only to come back at the end of the period. Hanging out on a toilet seat while scrolling through my shitty TL on twitter was what you could call “the life”.

In almost every class I had that day, the teachers made a comment about some students being absent, then to realize they were taking the test at Trost University. I felt like the teachers were judging me: _“Oh look, Marco’s taking the test, he’s smart and is going to have a bright future, nothing like you”._

Especially Dr Hanji, who had a whole discourse on how the doctors were the pillars of our society and the true hidden heroes. They were right, but there was no need taking 20 minutes to say that. I imagined the pain in the ass it would be the next week, when Marco will be back and they will talk about the test for an hour. Fucking nerds.

Leaving school that day had never been more relieving. Yeah, I still had to go to work but at least, I got to be away from any worries school may have brought for two entire hours. Two hours without anyone judging me or pressing me to choose something. I was glad Marco wasn’t there, because he would have wanted to talk with me about college and my career plan and I would have gotten angry at him.

I was alone at the gym that evening. Reiner, Berthold, and Annie didn’t come, they must have been busy with college stuff. It seemed so difficult to understand, so I wasn’t surprised. It was weird to be alone, I got used to Marco’s presence with time. Silence wasn’t bad either, but I missed his words of encouragement during my workout. On another side, I felt better not having eyes staring at me while I was sweating and probably making weird faces out of pain. Fuck those plank thing.

Around 7 pm, just when I was about to close the club, my phone buzzed, signaling a text. It was Marco, sending me a selfie of him with Armin and Krista in a coffee shop. All of them were smiling, and Krista was throwing a peace sign. The caption was: “ _It went well! I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow! <3_”. The heart got me by surprise. It was so cute.

I looked at the pic all the way home. Or more like I was staring at Marco’s pretty smile. He was beautiful, a true sun. The sunshine of my life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Take care of you <3


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may contain some triggering content. If you feel like you might get triggered by some stuff, please read the trigger warning list at the end notes.   
> If you don't want to get spoiled, read at your own risk.

I was hanging at Marco’s before the fair. We were laying on the couch watching a random show on TV. Neither of us was paying attention to it though. Marco was half asleep on my chest like a baby, and I was caressing his back. I was feeling more and more comfortable with him on me. That was progress. I hoped we could try to _do it_ again in a few weeks or so. And this time I would have been ready.

My phone buzzed so I took my arm off Marco’s back to grab it. My mom had just sent me a text. I ignored it. She was too worried, it wasn’t like I was leaving for a year, it was just the fair. Marco moved and woke up slowly, maybe because I wasn’t cradling him anymore.

“Huh…what time is it?”

“6 and a half.”

“We should probably get ready.”

At that point, I didn’t want to go anymore. I was just fine with laying around like that for the whole night. But I couldn’t do that to Marco. He was so excited to go to the funfair and kept talking about it.

“Yeah.”

Ymir was supposed to come and get us at 7. We decided to carpool, since it’s more ‘fun’. And the whole point of the night was to have fun. In my opinion, it would have been better if I went only with Marco. We could have borrowed Irene’s car. And we could also have discreetly slipped away and Marco would have taken me to an overly romantic place, where we would have made out for the rest of the night…Let me dream, okay?

We got up and started to take our stuff. Marco put on a brown jacket and I took my leather jacket (I wanted to feel cool for once). On that day, for no reason, I was wearing the necklace he gave me. I kept bringing my fingers to my neck to touch it every now and then. Marco noticed and he just smiled.

No surprise, Ymir was late. And still way too enthusiastic.

“Sup gays!”

We climbed on the back on the truck. Krista, Eren, Mikasa and Armin were already there, ready for the night. Then we went to pick Connie and Sasha up, who had apparently drunk a bit before coming.

We arrived at the fair around 7:30. And there were already a lot of people there. Mostly teenagers like us, but also families and kids. Told you the first night was the one with most people.

There were barriers all around it, and people were checking our bags at the entrance. High security stuff. Just when you entered the place, there was a giant carousel in front of you. Cream colored with golden ornaments. At that time of the night, there were still kids on it, but around midnight, it was going to be full of drunk teenagers that would suddenly enjoy riding a plastic horse.

Connie absolutely wanted to try the “Evil Headache Causer Hurricane 3000” first. Just by the name, I knew I shouldn’t get in there. Eren, Mikasa, Sasha and Ymir wanted to try too, so we let them go and stayed between people who didn’t want to get puked on, or as they called us ‘between cowards’. We waited for them in front of the line for the ride. It was funny to see people chickening out at the last minute and leaving the line.

“Oh! You guys are here?”

I turned my head over to see Reiner giving a big slap in the back to Armin. Poor boy almost tripped. He was with Berthold and Annie, as always. I was surprised Annie even came. Maybe she agreed because she knew a certain blond-headed boy would come… The way she smiled at him when he said ‘hi’ may have been a clue.

They all greeted each other like they were best friends. We talked a little, waiting for the others to come back. Berthold said he also didn’t want to do that ride. And Reiner was too proud to do it alone.

After the other came back completely ecstatic from the Headache whatever, we all went to the haunted house. It was as scary as a kitten. The jump scares didn’t even make Krista bait an eye. Reiner made fun of the decoration, Mikasa walked unbothered like she was in the streets or doing shopping, Annie and Armin stayed behind our group to talk. I elbowed Marco and tilted my head towards them. He looked over his shoulder and smirked. I was glad he chose Annie over Eren.

Then, we went to grab something to eat. We found a churros stand, and probably made the biggest order of the night. Especially thanks to Sasha, who asked for a dozen just for herself. They all chatted and talked while we were eating. I wasn’t very hungry that night, so I just took one from Marco.

During the time we were eating, Mikasa challenged Annie to the punching game. So they went with Eren and Armin to see who was the strongest one.

“20 bucks on Annie.” Reiner said.

He laughed at his own pathetic joke. Sasha and Connie insisted for all of us to go on a teacup knockoff. Unfortunately, I sat first in a cup, and was joined by Sasha, Connie, and Reiner. Guess how it went. It was spinning non-stop. I made eye contact with Marco at some point, and I could see he was sorry for me. But he was in the good cup with Bert, Ymir and Krista spinning slowly and enjoying the ride. Traitor.

It took me 10 minutes to recover from this. And also from the good laugh I had when I saw Connie fall on his stomach when he stepped out. I didn’t feel like throwing up, I hadn’t eaten enough anyway. Berthold and Reiner played a shooting game at the nearest stand while I was seating.

“Are you feeling better?” Marco asked me.

“Yeah kinda. It wasn’t that bad.”

“Cool, because I want to do something with you.”

Marco grabbed my hand and led me to the Ferris wheel. He was smiling like never before, to the point his eyes were almost closed. He paid for the ticket and we went for the ugly looking seat. The guy closed the metal bar in front of us, the only thing that would keep us safe if something happened.

“You’re not scared of height aren’t you?” Marco asked me.

“No, who do you think I am?”

He laughed, and the ride started.

It was certainly the worst Ferris wheel ever. Every ten seconds, the wheel stopped turning brutally, making us swing back and forth like we were on a swing. I held on to Marco’s arm tightly.

“We’re going to die!”

“We’re not, Jean. Hey, have you even looked at the view?”

I took my eyes away from him and looked in front of us. We were pretty high up in the sky, and from there, you could see the whole fair with all its colorful lights, the peaceful lake and even the forest in the back. It was incredible.

“That’s beautiful.”

“I know.”

“Marco. I swear if I turn my head and I see you’re looking at me you’re in trouble.”

“Oh yeah? Try it then.”

I sighed and turned my head over, only to meet his smiling face just in front of mine. Without giving time to protest he kissed me. One of his hands was caressing my cheek, and one of my hands was on his neck. His familiar lips were taking mine like it was the tastiest ice cream he ever ate.

We parted when the wheel began moving again. Marco’s face was red, probably because of the lack of oxygen. I had trouble breathing myself. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his face to kiss it tenderly. I blushed, he smiled. We held hands for the rest of the ride, and even when it was finished and we got out of there.

The rest of the gang in front of a shooting game, where Sasha was wining against some angry dude. Connie was cheering behind her, and it only pissed the guy more. She was laughing, as she hit every target right in the middle. That was pretty impressive.

“Where are Reiner and Berthold?” I asked. I could’ve sworn they were with them when Marco and I left.

“Oh, they disappeared a while ago. I think they went to look for some food,” answered Krista.

“And Sasha?”

“This guy said she couldn’t be good at that game because she’s a girl, so now she’s kicking his misogynistic ass.”

“Nice.”

They all started to gather around Sasha to cheer on her. That didn’t interest me that much, so I looked at the other stalls to see if there was something I could do. Then, I saw a black shadow passing quickly behind a stand. That didn’t awaken good memories in me. I pulled in his sleeve.

“Marco.”

“Yeah?”

“I just- “

I got interrupted by an explosion.

Everything moved a little. I thought it was pretty far away and we were safe. But before any of us could say something, there was another explosion. And another one. And another one. People were starting to scream.

And then there were guns. A lot of guns. 

Sasha was the one who got the idea. She jumped in the shooting stand and told us to do the same. I doubted it would provide enough protection against a gun, not to talk about a whole bomb. However it wasn’t the time to think, so I followed her. We sat on the ground, our back turned against the counter. Marco immediately took out his phone and called someone. While it was ringing he ordered Krista to call the police.

“Armin? Are you okay?” Marco asked on the phone, whispering. From what I understood, the others seemed to be fine.

He told him to make sure the four of them could hide or just leave the fair. I looked at him, he was amazing. No one else would have reacted that fast.

“What? Annie isn’t with you?”

We exchanged a glance. That was getting weird. The gunshots and the screams didn’t stop. It was filling my ears, and I had the feelings there were getting closer and we would be the next one dead. I looked at the others, and they weren’t better than me. Krista was crying while waiting on the phone, Ymir had her eyes closed and her teeth clenched. Sasha had her head in her hands and Connie was trying to comfort her ever though you could see he was panicking too. And Marco…Marco was awfully calm. He was pale, but not moving, just staring at the targets in front of us. I took his hand and held onto it like it was life.

The screams began to get less and less intense. And soon there was nobody screaming. And no more gunshot or explosions. It was even worse. I could hear the breathing of my friends. Suddenly someone screamed. A shot. No screams. They were hunting down the survivors to kill them. I shivered.

I was sure about it; they were the Titans. They were a group, organized and merciless. No doubt about that, we were getting attacked by the Titans. Something I never thought would happen to me. Why did it have to be that day? Why did it have to be us?

Krista hanged off, moving her head to say she couldn’t reach the police number. We stayed silent for 10 minutes, just crying and suffering without a sound. Then Marco moved. He made a signal with his hand, showing a direction. The forest. He wanted us to go to the forest. That was probably our best option. Trees could be a better hiding spot than this cheap stand. They all understood what he meant quickly.

Since he was the one who got the idea, he was also going to be the one to look if the path was clear. Meaning that if it wasn’t, he was probably going to get shot. I saw him gulp. He wasn’t feeling good. None of us was. We could have died in the next minute, or even the next second.

“It’s good. Let’s go.”

We all got up and left the stand. There was no one else in the alleys. Everyone was hiding. Or at least I hoped they were. Marco was walking fast in front of us all. At some point he stopped. I was going to ask if something was wrong when he spoke.

“Don’t look to the left.” He just said.

He resumed walking forward, and of course, everyone looked in the left alley. Krista yelped when Ymir tried to cover her eyes. And I looked too, to see a person laying face on the ground. They had been shot in the back. I closed my eyes, breathed out, and kept walking.

A little further, we stumbled upon another group of survivors. They were ten, maybe more. Marco explained to them we were going to hide in the forest, and they agreed to follow us without questions. We were a lot, and it was getting harder to move without being noticed. It was like an exfiltration mission.

Gladly, we all made it. One more turn to the left and we could see the forest. Everyone began walking faster, their eyes on the trees that could save us. I thought we were out of this nightmare. But I saw the reflection of a light in the middle of the trees a second too late.

They had already shot a bullet, right through the head of a woman. She fell on her back without any sound. I could see blood flow on the ground. Her eyes were opened, staring at something beyond the sky.

There was no time to think about a decision. I turned back and ran as fast as I could back to the fair, hoping they wouldn’t shoot me in the back. I hid behind a truck’s wheel. My brain was going in every direction and couldn’t make a single thought. Only blood. The shot. The woman, dead. And my friends…they weren’t there.

I was alone.

My phone wasn’t in my pocket anymore. I must have lost it when I ran like crazy. No way I was going back, so I had to do things on my own. I slammed my head on the tire. This was the worst situation one could find themselves in.

_First, you have to clear your mind._

I breathed in and out for a while, counting my heartbeats. A proof I was still alive, and I could still think. I was alive, and no one else in the group had been shot, I hadn’t heard any other gunshot. Which meant I could find them. They weren’t dead. There was some hope left. I could do it.

_Second, analyze._

That was an attack. Bombs, guns, a crowded place, the forest, the lake… It was the perfect place. No one could leave. It could have been over before the police arrived. I had no phone, no one with me. I couldn’t call for my friends, or for anyone. My chances of survival only depended on myself and my choices. Which was a good thing, since I didn’t have to think about someone else’s safety besides mine. As long as I stayed calm, I could get out of there.

_Then, conclusion._

The forest was a no-go. And if they were killing everyone who tried to get out, they were surely at the entrance too. I couldn’t just stay where I was, the risk was too high. The best option was the lake. I had no idea how it could save me or just be helpful in this situation, and I hoped they did too and therefore weren’t over there waiting for some idiot to come.

I got up and took a deep breath. I could see the wheel, and it gave me a clue on where I was, and where I had to go. I only had to run as fast as my body could. No matter what, I wanted to get to safety. Then I would be able to help. But the truth was, I didn’t know what to do after I got to the lake.

I arrived at the teacup thing. Before turning, I heard some voices. Naturally, I stopped and hid behind the ride. I even ceased to breath in the fear that might hear me. They were talking loudly and confidently.

“I thought they were there.”

“Maybe they run to the entrance.”

“Yeah.”

They walked away, making guns click in their hands. I stood up and prepared to run for my life to the lake when I heard voices again. I was afraid it was the end for me, that they had spotted me and were ready to shoot a hundred bullets through my body. It was followed by another noise, coming from under the ride. I squatted down to see, praying it wasn’t a bomb.

A group of three teenage girls were there, all curled up against each other in between the ground and the ride. They were all covered in blood. One screamed when she saw me. They all backed off. 

“Get out of there.” I ordered. Their hideout was the worst. They could throw a bomb at them and these girls would have been trapped underneath.

“To go where?” One asked.

“The lake.”

“Why? There’s no way- “

“Let’s hope they think that way.”

That seemed to be enough to convince them. Or maybe they were just happy someone finally told them what to do. They got up and nodded at me. Running, with a group, was a bad idea. We walked, stopping at every stand, hiding for a few seconds to make sure we were the only ones there, and then we could go. We progressed like this, me leading the way, until we saw the lake.

I didn’t hesitate and ran to it. Doing that could have gotten me killed, but gladly I was safe, and so were the girls. The serenity of the water seemed like the total opposite of the chaos reigning in the fair. It really helped me calm down a little bit.

The girls walked closer to the water while I was watching our surroundings. It looked like I was right about it. They weren’t there. We would have been already shot if they were. Now that we made it to safety, we could try to contact the outside, maybe the police or anyone.

“Hey,” I called the girls, “do any of you still- “

I was cut short by a high-pitched noise, similar to a whistle, coming on our right. A second later, a heavy object fell into the water. Another second and the blast of an explosion threw me on the ground. I hit my head and lost consciousness temporarily.

When I woke up, the girls were gone, and there was no more lake. There was just a giant wall of flames. I could feel the heat on my skin and the burn in my lungs. The lake was on fire. I didn’t even know it was possible. And the flames…They weren’t stopping. It was coming towards me, threatening to turn me into a pile of dust. It looked like the fire had taken over the entire lake and was soon going to reduce to nothing the forest and the fair.

If I had to picture one moment in my life associated with the word Hell, it would be this one.

I tried to get up but failed miserably. My shoulder was hurting badly, making my left arm completely useless. I crawled with my right arm to the nearest shelter, some toilets. They could protect me for some time, but if the fire was reaching the ground faster than I thought, I was doomed.

It was unbearable. I sat down and rested my back against a door. The pain in my shoulder wouldn’t go away. I prayed it wasn’t broken or anything. Did I need to put it back in place? How do you even do that? At least I could still move my hand. Some strands of hair were falling on my face so I brushed them off my fingers. They came back bloody.

“Fuck!”

Like I needed that on top of everything else. For what I knew, I could have had a concussion. There were no nerds with me to confirm it. I opened the door and tried to clean up the blood in my hair with some toilet paper. The more I was trying, the more there was blood. It was pointless. I let myself fall on the ground.

Tears rolled on my face. I closed my eyes and grabbed my head between my hands. I was powerless. I couldn’t do anything but watch the disasters happen right in front of me. Giving up was tempting. But like, really tempting. If I hadn’t been so scared of death, I would have let myself die there. No…I needed to move forward.

The lake wasn’t an option anymore. And of course I needed to go in the opposite direction in order to not get completely burn down to the bones. A fire to force all the remaining persons to flee in the same direction. Fuck, they were smart. This entire thing was perfectly planned, and we all threw ourselves in this trap. Like the fools we were. It made me want to kill them all.

I had no idea how much time had passed since the attack started. Could have been minutes, could have been hours, could have been days, it was the same for me.

The trick is to focus on a particular thing you can see. And you walk straight to it. It helped me ignore all the corpses around me. Even though it was difficult not to see all the children laying on the ground in a pool of blood.

When I got to the main alley, I almost threw up. They must have come here first, because there were dead people literally everywhere. My head was heavy. My vision was blurry. Everything hurt. God I wanted to lay down face in the dirt and just let everything go away.

I was walking slowly, like I had been shot myself. But my body was fine. I tripped on a leg and fell into the dirt. My arms reached to stop me from hitting the ground, but the left one broke under my weight and I collapsed, face into the dirt.

I wanted to scream. To cry. To be angry. I wanted to let my emotions flow inside of me and take the control of my brain. It was too much. But I still dragged my heavy body on a few more meters.

I finally arrived at the beige carousel. This was the last step before getting out of this nightmare. I climbed into it and sat behind a kid’s size carriage. There seemed to be no one in this area, but they wouldn’t have let the only exit unattended and free. It must be like the forest, a trap for all those who tried to escape.

I sat down and put my left hand on the ground to keep my balance. That’s when I felt something wet. I looked down at my hand to see the floor completely red. Blood. My breath began getting faster. I shouldn’t have looked in the carriage. I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Inside, there was a girl. A little blond girl laying on the seat like she was taking a nap. Except she had a hole in her chest.

I put my hands on my mouth, to prevent myself from throwing up or screaming, I don’t know. That was the end for me. I cried and couldn’t stop throbbing. Maybe they would have found me, but I didn’t care. Everyone was dead. Everyone had their life ripped away from them. I saw everything and couldn’t do a single thing to help. I was useless and deserved to die with all of them.

I curled up on myself and hid my head in my arms. There hadn’t been shots for a while now, there was no one to shot anymore. But me. And all I could do was to wait patiently for my death to come. I felt something against my arm. My necklace. The necklace _he_ gave me.

I was going to die before I got the chance to tell Marco I love him.

It didn’t matter anymore. I was going to die and he was probably dead too. Maybe we could find each other in the afterlife, and I could tell him all the things I didn’t say because I was an idiot. A fucking idiot with an amazing boyfriends who didn’t deserve him.

But I knew it would have never been like that. Death… There was ho heaven where Marco and I could live happily. Death was just the end, a black void. I don’t think you even know you’re dead. It just kinda…stops.

So maybe death wasn’t a bad thing after all…

“Hey! I found another one!”

I looked up from my arms. There were people here. Alive.

“Are you okay? Have you been hurt? Do you…” They stopped when they saw the girl. I noticed the fear in their eyes. But they weren’t like me. “It’s safe now. Come with me, we’ll get you with the others.”

The other survivors. I wondered how many we were. Could be one hundred just like three persons. The guy gave me a survival blanket and walked me to the parking lot in front of the fair. There were a dozen ambulances, police cars, and people with emergency blankets everywhere. I had never seen that much gold in my entire life.

“Find your family or your friends okay?”

I nodded at him. Honestly, I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to run away as far as I possibly could. I’m a coward after all, all I do is run away. Because I was afraid that if I looked for them, I wouldn’t find any of them.

“Jean!”

Armin. He ran up to me and hugged me tightly. His eyes were red and his clothes ripped. Looked like he had been through hell too.

“I’m glad you’re alive! You’re bleeding! Are you hurt?”

I ignored his question and observed around me. I could see Mikasa and Eren a few meters away, talking with a police officer. Why did so many people have to die but not him? Armin let go of me and I walked mechanically between crying mothers, yelling children, shocked teenagers, angry fathers, and body bags. A lot of body bags.

Krista was crying, sitting on the back of Ymir’s car while the other was doing her best to comfort her. Berthold, Annie, and Reiner were there too, staring down at the ground with their eyes wide opened, lost in their thoughts. Reiner had his fist clenched. Annie glanced at me, but she immediately looked down again. Then there were Sasha and Connie, sitting on the ground together. Connie was crying, and Sasha looked like she had been too.

“Sasha?”

“Jean!”

“Where’s Marco?”

She didn’t answer and just turned her head around.

“WHERE’S MARCO?” I yelled.

No answer again.

“ _Mais putain il est où?_!”

I had slipped into speaking french without realizing. I only know because they told me later. They also told me I was looking mad. Well, I was feeling mad. And sad, and angry.

How could they have let him inside? I got rid of my stupid blanket that was useless anyway and walked away from them. I needed to go back, for him. He would have done that for me too.

Marco.

People told me to stop. I didn’t listen and went back into the funfair. That time, I was paying more attention to the bodies laying on the ground. Any of them could have been him. He could have been any of them. 

“ _Marco_!”

I was running too fast, screaming his name. They couldn’t stop me. I needed to find him. To find him alive. Even if I was the only one searching, even if I had to search for days or weeks, I wouldn’t have stopped before I found him. I had to… He was all that I had… All that I ever loved.

 _“Marco_!”

Bodies. Bodies. Bodies. Bodies. There were only bodies. Scattered around the place like some damn catastrophe movie. So many dead people that it looked fake. But those were real people, with a family, with dreams, with friends, with a life. How many persons had seen their life crumble apart that night? At least a thousand. If they weren’t dead, they had lost someone. You couldn’t get out of there the same person you were when you got in.

 _“Marco_!”

A brown jacket. I was looking for a brown jacket. That was what he was wearing, right?. A brown jacket. Fuck, I couldn’t remember his pants, his shoes, or even what shirt he was wearing. Fuck. A brown jacket.

“ _Marco_!”

Dark hair. Freckles. I kept repeating myself to search for dark hair and freckles in this mingle of corpses. I was running in the alleys, jumping over dead bodies, and desperately calling for his name. The more time I spent calling him without having an answer back, the more I imagined calling for a dead person.

“ _Marco_!”

Corpses. Corpses. Corpses. Corpses. Corpses.

A young man. A middle aged woman. A pre-teen boy. An unidentifiable body. Two. Three. Four. A bomb had exploded over there, and four people died in it. There was only flesh and blood left of them. Pieces of their skin were laying on the earthy ground. It wasn’t a slaughterhouse; it was even worse. And he was nowhere. I couldn’t find him.

Marco.

I fell on my knees. That couldn’t be true. Marco had to be somewhere, alive, trying to find me too. He had to. I couldn’t stop sobbing. He was the only one I truly loved; I couldn’t have lost him. I couldn’t…He…

“ _Marco…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: guns, bombs, explosions, attack, dead people, blood, fire. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Please take care of you.


	36. Chapter 36

A policeman updated me about the situation. They were all gone by the time I was found crying in the middle of the fair. Some firefighters grabbed me and tried to bring me back to the entrance. I let them. I was gone and couldn’t pay attention anyway, like I wasn’t feeling anything anymore.

He also explained to me how it happened. The Titans arrived through the forest, quickly encircling the entire fair. Just like I thought, it was a perfectly planned trap no one could get out of. That’s why it took the police so long to do something: they couldn’t be sure there wasn’t another trap that would kill more people. Turned out they took the opportunity to get away in the forest before getting caught.

I immediately thought about that time in the forest during the camping field trip. When we heard those guys with guns. If we told someone about it…I might have been able to stop this before it happened. There could have been no dead at all if we had just… I could have saved all those people I saw laying on the ground.

It took the police 30 minutes to arrive, and 10 more minutes to act, since they weren’t sure if the terrorists were still there. And during these 40 minutes, the Titans killed approximately 143 persons. The number was going up every time they investigated a little more.

143 dead. And among these, there could have been Marco.

They were requesting for every valid person to say what they saw to the police. Which sounded dumb, because everyone was still in shock, and most of them couldn’t even talk clearly. I didn’t talk either. All the images were on loop in my mind, the last thing I wanted was to describe them.

“Need a ride home kiddo?” The policeman asked me.

“To the hospital.” I said.

I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t go anywhere. It was like nothing felt safe anymore, I was in danger everywhere. He didn’t ask anything more and made me get inside the police car. We followed other police cars and ambulances. I don’t really remember anything else about the ride. The pain in my arm was getting stronger. So to distract myself, I replayed the night in my head over and over again, trying to find at what point I fucked up.

Although, I knew it. That was right when I let them tore Marco and I apart. I should have stayed with him. I should have been there to protect him from those monsters. Instead I ran away like a pussy. Maybe it was because of karma, finally catching me up after I acted so uncaringly towards everyone.

I wasn’t ready for the experience that was being in the hospital that night. It was a gigantic mess. There were people running everywhere. Doctors, people of every age, nurses, everyone panicking and screaming. The most impressive thing was when the doors slammed opened, and the doctors were running in with a patient lying on a bed, listing all their wounds out loud. This mess, in complete opposition to the quietness of the fair freaked me out. I was going to leave when a nurse stopped in front of me, and asked:

“Do you need help?” She looked exhausted, and she had a long night in front of her.

“I think my shoulder’s hurt.”

She put her hands on it, examining the wound carefully and within a few seconds she knew what was wrong.

“Nothing too bad. Just a dislocated shoulder. Don’t move.”

And with a precise movement, she put my arm back in place with a loud popping sound. I nearly shitted myself.

“Fuck!”

“Does your head hurt?” She didn’t lose any time.

“Not really.”

“Good, it looks superficial. Let clean that up.”

She took a piece of white fabric from one of her pockets and started to clean the blood in my hair. I could move my arm again (okay it felt a bit weird and hurt when I tried to raise it above my shoulder), and I was glad it wasn’t anything too bad.

I slapped myself for thinking that; when Marco was literally dead. I watched as the doors opened again, for what could have been the twelfth time since I arrived. A group of doctors were surrounding a bed, rushing full speed into the halls. It was like in all those medical shows, except much it was worse because it was real.

“We got a man, twenties, fourth-degree burn and metal fragments in the shoulder.” Someone yelled.

I pushed over the woman cleaning my head and ran over to the newcomers. Someone was sitting on the wounded doing a heart massage frantically. I found my way to the patient’s head and stopped breathing when I saw him. Marco.

He was burnt all on his right side, his skin had a bright pink color, bleeding almost everywhere on him, and he also had blood stains all over his completely destroyed clothes. His face was half-burnt, leaving layers of his flesh bare, and he had lost some of his hair too. But he was still my Marco. And he was alive. Unconscious, but alive. I tried to grab his hand but a doctor pushed me aside.

“Sir please, move away.”

“I know him!”

“Sir, please, we’ll take care of him. Can you give me his name?”

I watched as they took him behind a door, far away from me.

“Marco. His name is Marco Bodt.”

“Thank you.” She wrote something on a paper. “Is there anything else you can tell me?”

“He’s 18. And…uh… and…”

I couldn’t think of anything else. He never told me his blood type, or if he had allergies… Why would he? That wasn’t the kind of thing we would talk about together. But I wish I knew. It made me feel like we didn’t know each other at all. Like I could have saved him but failed once more.

“I can’t- “

“It’s fine, you already helped a lot.”

She went away, and I was alone again. But at least I knew where Marco was. And it was not at the morgue. I sat down on a chair and let out a relieved sight. I had found Marco, alive. There was a chance we could both get out of there in one piece. And it was all that mattered. The weight on my shoulder finally went away. Well, not entirely.

I remembered what the doctor said. ‘Fourth-degree burn’. I had heard about first and second degree burns, but never about that one. I assumed it was just worse. And I hated myself for leaving my phone at the fair. I couldn’t know how bad his burns were, I couldn’t get any update on the situation at the fair, if they managed to put down the fire… Which had mysteriously appeared, now that I thought about. You couldn’t light up an entire lake just like that. God, I wished I had my phone.

Turned out watching people come and go, as boring as it is, helped me make the wait for Marco feeling less longer. Still better than watching the clock ticking during hours. Around 4am, I got up from my seat and went over to a nurse organizing papers in a folder.

“Excuse me,” she turned around, some papers in her hands, “could you tell me if the guy with the bad burn is out yet?”

“Which one? We get a hundred of burns here.”

“Marco Bodt.”

“Ha, the bad burnt. No, he’s in the block.”

“He…Is he fine?”

“Well, he’s alive for now.” She shrugged.

Like that was going to make me feel better. I sat back on the chairs, in the middle of all those people waiting for the doctors to announce the death of one of their relatives or friends just like me. From time to time it happened, and I watched as some persons left the room crying.

There was a pile of magazines on a table near us, but nobody bothered reading them. No one was in the mood. We were all stressed out, some biting their nails, playing with their hair, or tapping their foot. For me, it was holding on to my necklace. I wondered if they were all present at the fair. Very likely.

“Jean?”

I lifted my head. It was Irene, who looked like she had just woken up, which I guessed was the case. She also looked like she had been crying. She had plenty of reasons to, Marco was almost dead. Because of me.

“I’m sorry…”

“Oh honey, it’s not your fault.”

How could she have known? She wasn’t there when I abandoned Marco to those monsters. She hugged me tightly, patting my head gently. At that moment, I understood how Marco was important to her, just as he was to me.

And we both lost him.

We sat together and waited. There wasn’t anything else to do anyway. She told she had called his mother, and she was on her way, but it would take her a few hours to arrive. Marco wouldn’t even be awake, or alive when she would arrive.

“Maybe you should go home Jean.”

On one side, I wanted to be there when Marco would wake up, but on another… I desperately needed to drift away from the events of that night. To escape in a way or another.

“Okay. Call me when he wakes up.” I hoped I was right to use ‘when’ and not ‘if’.

She nodded back, and I left. As I walked through the hospital again, I began to feel heavy. But like really heavy. My entire body suddenly decided to let go under the gravity. I had to hold on to the wall to get out of there.

Ambulances and police cars were still coming, bringing more and more people to save. It seemed endless. And it was only 6 in the morning. I didn’t doubt there would have been more and more people to come. They even needed to bring some people to another hospital, to prevent ours from being overcrowded. I didn’t even want to think about what the morgues looked like.

And that’s one of the reasons why I left. I was too scared to look at all those lives I ruined because I simply didn’t talk about the ‘huntsmen’ I saw. It was impossible for me to go back. Or I could have been accused of complicity.

Armin. I needed to talk to Armin. He would know what to do and how to get me out of there. Good thing I knew exactly where he was… HAHA. Right. I had no idea where all the others were either. Were they wondering about me? Probably not. If they were, then it was the worst time possible. They wouldn’t care about me just the day I lost my phone.

The streets were awfully calm. Like the attack didn’t happen just at the fair, but in the entire town. Like there wasn’t a living being anymore. I closed my jacket and kept walking.

As I got close to home, the sun started to rise, coloring the sky with shades of pink and orange. I was walking slowly, not wanting to get there. But I needed to sleep, so I could be at Marco’s side when he woke up. Just a quick nap and I would leave for the hospital, maybe to see Marco again…

I froze when the characteristic sound of a siren reached my ears. 

That was impossible. We were far away from the lake, and from the fair, or what was left of it. There was no need for firefighters around, they should all have been busy with the lake. Unless there was something else burning…I began running.

The closer I got to my house, the more I was sure of what was happening. And when I turned in my street, the smoke appeared right in front of me. A deep black cloud of smoke reaching up to the sky.

All the neighbors were gathered around, watching from a safe distance. I pushed those in my way carelessly. They cussed and I progressed towards the fire, my heart beginning racing once more, and maybe once too many for a single night. Firetrucks were blocking the way, but I could see what was going on behind them nonetheless.

It was burning. My entire house was in flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Please take care of yourself <3


	37. Chapter 37

I couldn’t move.

That was just too much. Too fucking much. Like everything in my life was getting destroyed. Like there was some force up there having fun wondering how much they could fuck up my life before I give up.

A woman shouted at me:

“Hey you! Get out of there! Can’t you see it’s dangerous?!”

“It’s my fucking house!” I answered back, my voice shaking.

“You think I care? Get out of here right now!”

I clenched my fists and backed off from a few steps. My house was burning entirely, flames coming out of the window and burning away on the roof, like a crown of flames. The wind was carrying incandescent pieces of the house away. It was cracking like a woodfire, and even the heat could be recomforting after this cold night. But it was a part of my life burning right in front of me.

They were throwing liters of water at it, but it seemed derisory. The entire thing was consumed and there was nothing we could do anymore. I looked around me, searching for the Titans. To me, they had done this and they-

“Jean.”

I turned my head towards the voice. That was my mother, she was crying, tears tracing path on her skin covered with soot. She looked pathetic.

“What the fuck?” I yelled at her.

“It was an accident Jean.”

“An accident? A fucking accident?! All my stuff is burning! I lost everything!”

“Jean calm down!”

“I am calm! And don’t you dare tell me how to be! Do you just have any idea of what I’ve been through tonight? Do you just care a little about me? No you don’t! Otherwise my house wouldn’t be burning right now!”

“Jean, please…”

“I am done with you.”

I walked away from her, not turning back when she called my name. That was useless. She was beyond the point of no return with me. I only wanted to get away from her, and for her to get away for the rest of my life. How much do you have to hate your child to let that happen?

After walking a few minutes, I found myself going to the only place that I know would have welcomed me. Marco’s house. Guess I had forgotten I wouldn’t have found Marco there that night. I still went all the way to his house. You could say that was the only way I knew.

I sat on the pavement in front of the house. Ironically, I was cold. I tried to rub my arms, but it didn’t help. I kept shivering like some scared puppy. I must have looked so pathetic. Completely broken, alone in the cold…

It was fine. All I needed was to wait until…

I realized I told Irene to call me when Marco would wake up. I had forgotten my phone was probably six feet underground. Fucking hated me. Told you the world was trying to make me give up. So I just waited there, my head buried in my arms.

As soon as I heard footsteps coming my way, I got up. No surprise, it was Irene coming back from the hospital.

“Jean? What are you doing here?”

“I… I needed some place to go.”

She nodded. “You’ll always be welcomed here.”

Her keys clashed against each other when she opened the door.

“How is he?”

“He’s fine. Sleeping for now, but the doctors said he should be awake in a few hours.”

I followed her inside and she closed the door behind me. I had no idea the house would feel so empty and sad without Marco. It was like all the house’s warmth went away.

“They also give me this.” She said while handing me my phone. “I remembered it’s yours, but I don’t know why Marco had it.”

He must have picked it up after I ran behind the truck. Fucking Marco being an angel, even half-dead.

“Thanks.” I took it.

Of course, it had no power anymore and my charger had probably become dust. It was useless, but I was glad I got it back anyway.

Irene then told me the doctors advised her to get some sleep. Although we knew we couldn’t. Not when Marco was between life and death. She also told me I could use Marco’s room if I wanted to. He wasn’t here, but he would’ve agreed.

I got up into his room and let myself fall on the bed. It didn’t smell anything particular. And it was as comforting as ever. It felt good to be back to some place familiar. I wondered if Marco had a phone charger somewhere in his room.

Searching up on his desk and his school stuff I found nothing.

“Come on Marco, don’t give up on me right now.”

I looked up in his books and the mess that was his clothes, but still nothing. Then I went to his wooden nightstand and opened the first drawer. There was nothing in it beside a book, a folded paper, and a black pen. I took the paper which turned out to be some kind of letter, revealing the cover of the book _The Little Prince._ Seriously? I smiled because of his nerdiness.

But I was no longer smiling when I started reading the letter.

The words were right in front of me, but I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I had to re-read it a few times to be sure. To be sure I wasn’t mistaking this for anything else. To be sure that was really what I was thinking. It was no ordinary letter.

It was a suicide note.

_Hi everyone._

_If you’re reading this, that must mean I died. I owe you an apology, none of you asked for this, and I didn’t too. I wish I had another choice, another way to do things…_

_Dad, sorry for not being the perfect son you wanted me to be. You worked hard for us and I didn’t thank you the way I should have. I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve put you through._

_Lisa, I’m sure you’ll do it. You’re not like any of them, you’re better. And of course, you can take my makeup. You can be fabulous. So do your thing and blow them away._

_Ellie, I know you must have done it already by now, but you have my permission to take any of my books, even all of them if you want. I know you’ll take care of them._

_Grandma, don’t forget you’re not alone, and will never be. Even if I won’t be there anymore, your life is still full of people that love you immensely._

_Theo, please don’t cry. There’s no need to be sad. It’s going to be okay. Mom will be there with you, and I’ll be with you too, in your heart._

_Mom, thank you for everything you did for me. I know you sacrificed a lot for us, your children. You suffered so we could have a good life. You’re the best mom ever. It’s not your fault. But I will never be as strong as you are. I’m sorry._

_~~And Jean~~ _

It ended with those words. The paper was trembling in my hands.

And Marco hid it from me. Was he ashamed? Was he afraid? I didn’t know and that was getting on my nerves. More important, why did he want to kill himself? I read the letter again but couldn’t find out. Damn him. And yet he was the one who wanted to do something after Mina’s suicide. I guess he must have known how she felt.

I carefully folded the paper like it was and put it back into the drawer just like I found it. I decided to forget about it. Even though it wasn’t easy. How did you want to forget that my boyfriend wants to kill himself?

Also, why did he cross out my name? Why? At first, I wondered if I had ever done something wrong. Something that might have upset him. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I was getting closer to the only conclusion.

I didn’t matter to him.

Was he even loving me? We never exchanged some “I love you” and if I perfectly knew my reasons, his were now clear. He never loved me in the first place. Hell, he already lied to me about so many things: his family, the reason why he came here... Maybe he thought I’d have forgotten by then. Maybe he just wanted to have sex with me. Maybe he just didn’t want to be lonely and took the first person he met.

I laid down and looked at the ceiling. That letter disturbed me at a point beyond imagination. I had no idea how to feel. I wasn’t angry at Marco…Okay, I was. But he was at the hospital, busy being dead. It felt bad to be angry at someone in this situation.

I stayed curled up on his bed for the entire morning but didn’t sleep. There was too many things going on in my head at the moment, too many answers I was trying to find, too many questions.

Irene woke me up or more like came for me around 10. She didn’t need to say anything, I already knew. Marco was awake. She drove us to the hospital and no words were shared during the ride.

I tried to think about how I would tell it to Marco. ‘Hey, I found your suicide note, why did you never showed it to me?’. No. He didn’t want anyone to find it, there was no proof I read it. It was going to be hard to pretend it didn’t exist, but I was willing to do it.

Irene led the way to the hospital. It was a different entrance than yesterday; I was a bit lost. When she left me to ask for his room’s number, I took a look around. That’s when I noticed a familiar blonde head.

“Armin?”

“Oh, hey.”

He didn’t look hurt, so why was he there? What’s more there wasn’t anyone else, just us and some nurses passing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“My grandfather is dead.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

I sucked at consoling people. The sadder they were, the suckier I was.

“He was at the fair?”

“Yeah…”

And silence again. God that was embarrassing. I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. And if I had tried, I would have made things worse so… I shut my mouth and contented myself just by sitting next to him.

“And why are _you_ here Jean?”

“I came to see Marco.”

“Is he…”

I gulped and shivered, thinking about the letter I read earlier. I wished it was all a dream.

“No, but it was close. Wanna come?”

He looked at his feet and said: “Well, I guess I better do something instead of crying here.”

I wasn’t being polite or friendly. The real reason was that I didn’t want to find myself alone with Marco. Sure there was Irene, but there was no doubt she would let us have some time just between us. And honestly…I couldn’t face Marco. I was even certain I could never look at him in the eyes ever again.

Apparently, Irene and Armin knew each other. Maybe Marco brought him a few times home. Apparently, we were the only one to visit him. Which meant his mother hasn’t arrived yet. Good, I didn’t want to meet her.

Marco was awake, lying down on a blinding white bed. He was looking through the only window in his bedroom, his head turned in a way that wouldn’t show us the damages on his right side. Which were mostly covered by bandages anyway. Looked like an unfinished mummy. 

He smiled when he saw us.

“Hi.”

“Oh Marco!” Irene ran to him and hugged his body. “I was so afraid!” She cried.

“I’m fine.”

He lifted his left arm to rub her back a little. Clearly he wasn’t fine, but I guess it was worth trying to cheer his grandma up. Then she backed off and Marco let his arm open.

“Come here.” He told me.

I didn’t think about it and went to take him into my arms. He grabbed me and nuzzled his head into my neck. The feeling of skin and fabric against me was weird. It was like having two different things rubbing on me at the same time.

“Jean…. You stink.” He whispered.

He nearly died and that was the only thing he could say? I was astonished. Then he hugged Armin too, who was on the verge of crying.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” he said. As I backed away, I noticed Irene sweeping a tear off her cheek. 

“How do you feel?” she asked while taking a seat next to his bed.

“I can’t move my arm right now, but the doctors are positive I could use it again one day. But I won’t be able to feel anything. My nerve endings are dead. At least I still have it on!”

He said it like it’s nothing. Was he not realizing how bad it was? The doctors may have told him it was going to be fine but it was not. For fuck’s sake, didn’t he realize that he would not feel anything in his arm anymore? That his arm was a dead weight?

“How are you? And the others?”

“We’re all alive but…” Armin paused for a second, looking away. “We all lost people.”

“You…?”

“My grandfather…He was there to buy hot dogs and got killed in an explosion.”

“Oh Armin, I’m so sorry…”

“And Connie’s mother…”

Oh fuck, I didn’t know about that. It explained why Connie was so broken when I last saw him. The Titans were fucking monsters. Fucking heartless monsters.

“Sasha’s sister also passed away from her wounds.”

At that point, no one in the room dared to look at each other. The silence was broken by a doctor entering the room. She asked to see Irene, for the paperwork.

“Do you remember what happened to you?” Armin asked Marco. I hadn’t even thought about that.

“Uh…After…” He looked outside the window. “After we tried to go to the forest and we got shot at, I started running away but I saw Jean’s phone. I took it and ran into the fair again. Sorry Jean, I don’t know where it is now….”

“Don’t worry. Irene gave it back to me.”

“Oh thank god. So, I went back into the fair… and I think I must have walked over a bomb or something. I don’t remember anything else.”

Armin was lost in his thoughts, a hand on his forehead. Marco turned to me. I nearly grimaced at him; I wasn’t used to his new half burnt face. Did he still have his eye? Or did he lose it in the process? And if he still had it, did it work?

“What about you?” He asked.

“Me?”

“Yes you. Where did you go after the forest?”

“To the lake.” I shrugged. I was less proud of my idea than I was back then. It seemed like the stupidest thing to do.

“You went to the lake?”

I nodded, not understanding why it surprised him.

“Before or after it caught on fire?”

“Just before.”

“The lake? On fire?” Marco almost jumped out of his bed.

“Yeah, I don’t understand either.”

“It’s the chemicals.” Armin busted out.

“The… what?”

“The chemicals. Jean, do you remember when they tried to build something near the lake years ago?”

“Yeah, vaguely.”

“Well, some company actually tried to build a storage warehouse for chemicals. The mayor refused, but the company still had tons of chemicals and nowhere to put them.”

“So they threw it in the lake?” Marco guessed.

“Yes. A few people know about this. Someone in the Titans must have had access to this information and used it to set the chemicals in the lake on fire.”

“Fuck…”

“Why would they even do that?”

The first answer that popped into my head was ‘For me’. They set it right after I arrived there. And I knew why they did that: I saw them in the forest. And for some reason, it bothered them.

“The forest.” I murmured.

“The forest?”

“They arrived through the forest.”

Marco opened his mouth and closed it. He understood immediately what I meant and so did Armin. Irene came back, so we stopped talking about it. It made me feel bad anyway. I remembered I was the one who caused all these deaths.

Armin and Marco talked together while Irene was filling all the papers with all the information I hadn’t been able to give the day before. Until some nurse kicked us out because they had to run some exam or test on him.

I walked out of the hospital and took a deep breath. It was a cold day, with clouds in the sky hiding the sun. Right on the other side of the street, I saw my mother waiting for me. She crossed the road with a determined pace.

“Jean.”

“What do you want?”

“Come with me.” Maybe she didn’t want to deal with me as much as I didn’t too.

After she made sure I was following her, she walked to her car. I climbed in. She started the engine and got out of the parking lot without even glancing at me.

“Where are you taking me?”

“A friend agreed to lend us her apartment for as long as we need.”

“How nice.”

“Be respectful Jean, she’s offering us a home.”

I rolled my eyes and turned to the windows. We were heading downtown, extremely close to Marco’s home.

The house in question was only a small apartment, big enough for one person. It was just composed of a living room with a kitchen, a single bedroom and bathroom. One of us was going to sleep on the couch. It was so small I couldn’t walk in there without bumping into something. No sign of my mom’s friend around. On the couch, there was a plastic bag with some stuff in need.

“That’s all I could save.”

I opened the bag. Jean Jr was in it, and I fought the urge to hug immediately. Never in front of her. Under, there were my laptop, some notebooks, but not my Marco’s journal. I closed my eyes to stop the tear from coming. I grasped tightly on the plastic. Jean Jr was looking at me with his dark eyes, that had never seemed this sad. No phone charger. I sighed, thinking about the useless box hanging in my pocket that my phone was.

“Jean, we have to talk.”

My mother was sitting at the table. She pointed to the seat in front of her, and I sat down. I felt she had a lot of things to tell me.

“Jean, your father…”

“What? Go straight to the point.”

“He went away and took all my money. And yours.”

That was unbelievable. I knew I should have made my own bank account just when I turned 18, so my parents wouldn’t have access to it anymore. And I knew having a common bank account with your spouse was a bad idea too. Told you they were the worst parents.

“But don’t worry, he only had access to one of my bank accounts. So we’re not indebted either, we can still live with the money I have left. I already transferred some to your account.”

“Why did he do that?”

“We…We had a fight. I forgot about the food I was reheating, which caught on fire. Then he blamed me for everything and said he was going to ruin my life.”

So, I was homeless because of my mother. I was broke because of my father. I was alone because of the Titans. The entire world was against me and was slowly pushing me on the edge of hell. It wouldn’t have been too long until I fell at this rate.

My mother didn’t seem to have anything else to say, so I got up and left the apartment. I had no desire to stay there for one more minute.

Without realizing, I started walking to the hospital. It was a bit far away, maybe forty of fifty minutes. I said fuck it that’s the only place I can go to right now.

I wanted to talk with Marco, to have his opinion about this stuff with my parents. Maybe he could have told me what to do. Because I had no idea how to calm things down. To go back to normal. To have my life back and to be myself again.

The hospital was like a whole other world. It was very calm, peaceful, and not oppressive at all. I almost wanted to stay here with Marco until he got better. That would have been so cool. I walked to his bedroom, or to where I remembered his bedroom was. My first thought when I didn’t spot Irene was that they moved him somewhere else.

Then I saw them. Around the bed, his family. His mom, his grandma, and children who I guessed were his siblings. I couldn’t see Marco’s face. But I knew he must have felt happy at that moment, surrounded by his loved ones. I didn’t belong in that happiness. I was going to ruin it.

So I just left.

Again.

I was the last of Marco’s worries. He needed to heal first, and he had to do that without me. That was better. I would just get in the way. I was another weight for him to carry. Who knew, I could have been the last thing he needed to finally snap. I couldn’t have lived with it. I couldn’t have lived knowing I killed one more person. So the best thing to do was to get away from him. 

It was already late in the evening, and I was starting to feel hungry for the first time in days. My body was pathetically weak after all. And since going back to the apartment wasn’t really possible, I walked away from the hospital to go into town. I didn’t know where to go. But I knew I was looking for food.

In the end, I ate at McDonalds. Another proof I wasn’t really feeling like myself that night. What’s more, I found my meal delicious. Really, there was something wrong with me. I even paid for a way-too-expensive-for-what-it-is McFlurry. Funny how when I lost everything, money became the last of my worries. I could have spent all night long without counting, if I had the right mindset.

After that, I wandered in the streets, not watching where I was going. I just let my foot carry me. My brain turned off leaving the control to my body, it did that a lot. I finally arrived at one of the only places my body knew the way to. That park. It was empty, and kinda scary in the dark with only the lights of the street to see.

It reminded me of that time I brought Marco here, after the dance. I felt like it was ages ago, or maybe a whole different life. A lot had happened since that time when we were both reckless teens. Couldn’t tell if I missed that or not.

The bench was fucking cold, I was freezing my ass out there. But it was still better than staying in that small apartment. Too small for me and my mother at least, it made me feel like I was suffocating. Yeah, that bench was better.

“Hey, you okay dude?”

A guy sat next to me, hands in the pockets of his blue puffy jacket, a snapback just posed on his head, probably to hide the start of his baldness. I think I saw him hanging around a few times. Selling drugs, obviously. What else could you do in this god forsaken park?

“Life sucks.” I said, nothing more complex or worth of saying coming to my mind.

“Yeah I know.”

Well, that interaction was highly embarrassing. I wished he would just go away. Right then, I wanted to be lonely. Just me, myself, and I, and all my burden.

“Gotta go,” he added. “I have some customers waiting for me. I guess you don’t want anything.”

“Yeah, go sell your shit to someone else.”

He got up and started walking away strangely, maybe trying to look cool or badass but it was just ridiculous. But right when I was about to get back to being moody, I changed my mind and called him.

“Wait! Actually, I’ll take some. Give me the strongest stuff you have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick reminder: DO NOT act like Jean if you find out your friend wants to kill themselves. Talk about it to someone you can trust, or to them, and most important take care of them. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and take care of yourself <3


	38. Chapter 38

Those little pink pills he gave me made my life a hundred times better. It blew away all my worries, all that was weighing on my shoulders, all I had in mind, everything. I had no problems anymore. Nothing to think about. A pill a day keeps your problems away. 

I had become a vegetable. And that was fine with me. 

The appartement began to feel like home when my mother started working again. She was leaving when I was sleeping and coming back when I was sleeping too. And during my 10 hours of freedom I had per day, I played games on the PS4 her friend left there. Unfortunately, there weren’t that many games to play, and I couldn’t buy some since all my money went on pills. I chose what could keep me alive. 

My days looked the same. I had this routine I liked: getting up, playing, taking a nap, playing again, and finally going to sleep. It did not require a lot of thinking or strength. I could just focus on kicking the bad guy’s ass and win the game. 

It just changed when I had to go to the police station. They said I was a very important witness that could really help. Whatever, I told them the less so I could leave earlier. Answering questions with a simple yes or no. Surprisingly, they believed all the bullshit I spitted out of my mouth. To them, I was just another traumatized kid. I got home with a psychiatrist’s number, which I threw away right after. 

After three weeks of ‘recovery time’, the school decided it was enough for everyone and required every student to go back to class. Excuse you, but we were mourning. Nothing surprising with their bad habits of handling student’s mental health like it’s a joke. What we did earlier in the year seemed useless, they had learnt nothing. 

Everyone was as happy as I was to go back to school. The atmosphere was very dark, almost like there was a funereal that day. No more laughing in the halls, no more groups happily chatting, no more besties chasing and teasing each other, no more people doing their homework last minute, no more couples making out in a corner, no more life. 

And since nobody was in the mood to go to class, we all went to hide in the girls’ bathroom all day long. Everyone was sitting on the floor like it was some kind of slumber party. It stopped looking like one after Connie started smoking around third period. I could tell from the smell that it was clearly not a cigarette. 

“Give me that shit,” Ymir said. 

Connie shrugged and passed it to her. After exhaling smoke two times and sighing from relief, she gave it to Krista, who skipped her turn and immediately gave it to me. 

“Everything sucks. I wanna die.” Connie complained. 

“Mood.” Sasha added. Now that’s what I call an intellectually stimulating conversation. 

At that point, the bathroom’s door opened and a first year entered. Her eyes were stuck on her phone, so she didn’t notice us right away. The way she yelped when she saw all of us lying on the floor made me laugh. 

“Get your own bathroom!” Ymir shouted while throwing a roll of toilet paper at her. She missed. But it scared the girl away and the door slammed shut after she left. Well, we were there first and there were plenty of other bathrooms in the school. 

I took a sip from the joint and laid back on the wall behind me because of the dizziness. It made my brain fuzzier than it already was because of the pills I had taken that morning. Maybe the two weren’t a good mix. I gave it to Sasha before I could inhale that thing one time too many. 

“Oh, Jean’s gonna puke!”

“Fuck you Connie, ‘m not…”

“Tch, we all know he’s a pussy.”

“The fuck you said Jaeger?”

I jumped onto my feet, ready to face the bastard. He also got up and walked to put his face inches from mine. 

“I said, you’re a weak ass pussy.”

The first punch perfectly reached Eren’s nose and hit his face with a oh-so satisfying noise. He brought the back of his hand to his face to smudge the blood with anger. He was always so angry. 

“You’re going to pay for this Kirschtein.”

He was ready to give me everything he had when Mikasa appeared from behind and grabbed him. I would have laughed if I hadn’t had a sudden huge headache that made me stumble. I sat back down and tried to put my forehead on the wall to cool it down. The others were talking but I didn’t understand a thing. My eyes closed and opened themselves lazily. I might have fallen asleep after that. I don’t really remember. But apparently, I hadn’t missed anything important. 

What I do remember is getting home in the late afternoon, to find my mother in the living room on the phone with someone. There were a dozen papers on the table in front of her and she seemed quite angry. 

“Lawyer.” She murmured while pointing at her phone. 

She was getting a divorce, good for her. My father was shit. And if her lawyer was good, she could actually get some of her money back, which meant more money for me too. It just sucked a bit if I ever had to go meet the lawyer, or testify, or whatever a kid was supposed to do in this situation. Unless it made me skip a day of school, then it could be cool. 

And because she was there, I couldn’t do what I usually did.  Instead, I went to take a shower. A two-hours long hot shower. For some reason, I really enjoyed being under the water ever since  _ that  _ time in the pool. Well, it felt better when I was alone. And whatever, I wasn’t the one paying the bills. 

Unlike everyone in the entire world, I couldn’t think properly in the shower. Maybe I w as too busy relaxing. Just letting the water flow on me, from my head to my toes like I was alone in the world. Like there was no more world. 

After I showered, my mother had left. I could have the apartment all for myself, and that’s all I was asking for. Leftovers of mac and cheese, GTA V, cans of monster, a good spot on the couch, and my evening was so nice. Why did I have to go to school if I could live like that for the rest of my life? 

At the end of the week, I noticed I had been added to a group chat ‘Reiner big ass party’. He had a big ass for sure, but I didn’t see what was the connection with the party.  Apparently, he was having one at Berthold’s the next Friday. 

I went. I liked to spend time with him and since I couldn't see him, Berthold, and Annie at work anymore... Oh yeah, because I quit my job.  So, I went to the party and, as usual, there was a shit ton of people. I didn’t recognize any of them. Good. 

Party meant free food and drinks, and I tried to get as much as I could, since I was saving money to buy drugs. And if someone had the impudence to talk to me, I just had to ignore them. Luckily, I didn’t know anyone else besides the guys from the gym: Reiner was busy being Reiner, Berthold too shy to talk and Annie seemed to avoid me. Perfect. 

I engulfed half a bowl of chips and an entire bottle of iced tea. Then I took a cup just to fit in and went outside to breath. The air inside was almost making me suffocate, it was all sweat, alcohol and musty smells. 

Outside wasn’t better. It was loud. Extremely loud. I had tried and tried again to muffle the sound with my hands, but I could still hear them, the music, the world. 

Suddenly, it all became silent. 

I smiled, relaxed my entire body, and let myself fall on my back. And like it was  in slow motion, I saw all the people around looking at me, their eyes slowly widening, I saw my hair floating in the air around my face and then I saw the immense black sky. As black as my mind. 

The water didn’t hurt me. And even if it was cold, it felt w elcoming and soothing. Fuck I loved being underwater so much. It was like a bed I could relax on, closing my eyes and falling asleep in this wonderful silence. 

I was suddenly pulled out of the water by a strong grip on my arm. I struggled breathing again  and noticed through the water dripping from my hair Reiner in the pool next to me. He looked mad. 

“What the hell Jean?!”

“No, what the hell Reiner?! I was fine!”

“No, you were not! Go drown yourself in someone else’s pool, asshole!” 

“Fine!”

I pulled my arm out of his hand and walked to the ladder at the edge of the pool. My soaking clothes became extremely heavy once I was out of the water. They made me struggle to walk away from the party. I was stumbling and hitting myself everywhere. My shoes kept making weird wet sounds at every step I took. I wanted to throw them away but at the same time I couldn’t see myself walking in the streets with only my socks on at midnight. 

The night town was beginning to feel very familiar. I knew it too much. What can I say, everything was better than dur ing the day. Want to know why? Well, because at night, you can go to a park and get some good drugs. I knew I was becoming a regular when they started giving me discounts. 

It didn’t take me long to find my usual dealer. He was surprised to see me,  maybe due to the fact I was completely soaked. He interrogated me as I looked for my phone (who had somehow survived the time in the pool). 

“Wow dude, what happened?”

“I need something stronger.”

“Are you sure man? You don’t look- “

“Who are you to ask me questions? Just give me the stuff.”

He put a small plastic bag in my hand. It contains five, maybe six blue pills. I had never seen these before, and oh god they looked good. It took all the self-control I had to not swallow them all at once. 

“It’s going to cost you a lot more than usual.”

“I don’t care.”

I transferred the money through an app and immediately opened the bag to take one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Happy new year everyone <3


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it came out a little bit late, my computer is having a rough time, I think it's gonna die soon T.T 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

I graduated the same day my parents divorced.

The school decided to give everyone their diploma, because of…well…what happened. Even if your grades were shit, you still passed. That’s how I graduated (thumbs up if you think I’m a crack). Otherwise, I would have been stuck in high school for one more year. Thanks, but no thanks.

In the morning, I went to the ceremony, in the afternoon, I went to the trial. Really nice.

The ceremony was … boring. Just people coming on the stage one by one, taking their diploma certifying they’re an intellectual idiot. And everyone in the room clapped for them like they just did a magic trick. A group of idiots congratulating themselves for being idiots.

I got a headache right after entering the building. My head was about to explode, and I couldn’t do anything but stare at nothing trying to forget the pain. I must have looked like a complete idiot. The only thing I missed was some drool on the corner of my mouth. Every time they clapped my head got bigger and hurt more.

The only time I regained consciousness (or some part of it) was when they called Marco’s name. I immediately lifted my head up like they called me. There was a heavy silence in the room, and some people glared at me. Maybe they were recalling we were close and tried to see if I had any reaction to his name. Because everyone knew what happened to him. Everyone knew it was my fault Marco wasn’t there that day.

Armin went to get this stupid piece of paper for him. We didn’t even discuss it, he just did it. I guess Marco must have asked him. No one clapped. That was really awkward. I wished I could have just disappeared, or just get out of the room. Then who would have taken the fucking diploma for me? Nobody. If you want something done, do it yourself: it will be bad but it will be done.

That’s when they called my name and I got up the stairs to receive the diploma that it hit me. We were too many people in that room. Way too many. Hundreds of students gathered in the same place at the same time. We were trapped between these walls with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nowhere to be safe.

It was wrong. It was all wrong.

My hands got sweaty. My legs were trembling. Everything became blurry and foggy around me. My headache got stronger. This feeling of déjà vu was unbearable. I had to get out. I had to.

I saw the paper hanging in front of me. I managed to grab it, wrinkling it in the process. Someone spoke to me and I think I heard the audience clapping. All these kids, who had no idea they were in danger…

 _I_ was in danger. Again.

Before anyone could say anything, I jumped off the stairs and dashed towards the exit doors. I slammed them open, putting all my strength into this (which wasn’t really necessary). The moment I stepped out; the damn sun hurt my eyes so I had to slow down. Always the sun ruining my life.

Why did it have to be a sunny day? I deserved some rain for this, or at least dark clouds. No, the weather had to totally ruin the mood I was going for. Fucking shit never following my plans. This was supposed to be a sad day, something I could remember in 10 years. Instead it was this fucking shitshow.

After walking for 10 minutes, I realized I still had the paper in my hand. It didn’t look like an official diploma anymore. More like a scrap of some essay someone threw out because it was worthless. There were stains of my sweat all over it, but the ink didn’t budge. It even started tearing itself apart in the middle. Funny how it perfectly represented my school year.

It wasn’t worth anything. I could not sell it, I couldn’t give it to someone, I couldn’t do anything with it. They gave it to me for free, happy to kick me out of school by only giving me a sheet of paper. I hated it. I felt like it was mocking me. Because I didn’t deserve it. I hadn’t worked to get this diploma and didn’t do anything for it. Except for almost getting killed that night. ‘ _Congratulations you aren’t dead, now get your stupid ass out of here._ ’

My name, written in fancy black letters, was the only thing that made it worth something. It was my passport for university, my ticket to freedom. The only way I had to escape everyone in this fucking town and create my own perfect word. If not, I would have thrown it away.

I got home a little before noon. My mother had to come and get me at 2, so I had some time ahead of me. I used it to swallow some pills, the strong ones, and drift off until she arrived. She woke me up and without another word, we left.

She made me meet her lawyer before, of course. I didn’t remember anything they said. I couldn’t even tell whose side I was on or supposed to be on. What did you expect, I was high the entire time.

Seeing my dad after all this time was weird. He didn’t look at all like I remembered, but I think that’s because I wasn’t in possession of all my brain capacity. He didn’t, not even once, talked to me. My mother exchanged a few words with him and boom that’s all the interactions we had. Nice. He was a very good father.

We sat on the opposite side of the room, my mother on my left with her lawyer. When the judge started speaking my brain exploded. I understood every word she said but put together they did not make any sense. I would have made a pretty bad lawyer. Without lying I’d say I’m pretty bad at everything and would suck at every job I’d try.

I didn’t notice when it started discussing about deeper topics. People were talking, making complex and long speeches. I was entirely focused on the judge and her black robe. She kinda looked like a wizard, minus the beard and the hat. And everything else.

An old man blabbing bullshit got interrupted by my phone rigging. I jumped on my chair. Everyone suddenly turned and stared at me like I was a murderer. Which I was, but they didn’t have to know.

“Sir, please, turn off your phone.”

“Yeah, one second.”

The phone in my hand was dead cold. Before it all went to a black screen, I saw Marco’s name on it. I sighed, glad I turned it off. I was doing everything I could to avoid him, including ignoring all his calls and texts like I was a busy bitch. While in reality, I just wanted to escape the conversation we would inevitably have. About _the letter_. And everything else that followed, i.e. why he pretended to love me when he didn’t.

That method, although giving me time to think, couldn’t be a long term thing. I know from experience one couldn’t simply avoid Marco. I promised myself to answer him after my parents finally divorced. He would understand, I thought.

But I tried not to think about Marco, it made me very anxious. So I shifted all my attention to the judge. She wasn’t moving her arms at all and stayed completely stoic like a statue. And since I’m so devoted to this divorce, I didn’t listen. They were just talking about money and I zoned out for like, an hour maybe.

The end of the trial took me away from my mental palace. I was about to ask, ‘who won?’ when I thought it was more appropriate for a football match than a divorce. So I just listened to the judge recapping the afternoon and concluding.

My mom won. Well, she had the best ass and thus the best lawyer. She obtained from my father to give her back the money he took, but he could keep our (burnt) house. He also accepted to pay for my studies in college, on the condition that I go to Sina. No one asked for my opinion. So I had to go to Sina. Away from everyone I know, full on people I was sure I’d hate. My mom didn’t seem to care.

We both stayed silent on the way home. There was nothing to say. She let me go back to the appartement alone, claiming she had something important to do. I was no idiot. I knew she was probably going to see her lover because she was finally free of her old husband. Or ex-husband. I didn’t give a single fuck; I was having my own issues to deal with. And it started with an m.

I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat. It was time for the moment I was so scared off, the one I had been putting off for weeks. I took my phone and held it with two hands. The seconds it took to turn on were horrible. But the messages Marco sent me and I ignored like a bastard hurt even more.

**Marco**

_Hey, I got my phone back! The doctors took it away so I could properly recover, but my mom convinced them to let me use it. So now we can talk without making you come to the hospital (I guess you don’t like it). You can call me anytime!_

_[1 Missed Call]_

_Hey! How you doing? I’ve been feeling better lately, but it’s still weird to have an arm I can’t move. Everyone here is nice, and I wish you could be here too. It’s a bit selfish I know. Can you think about coming? See you! <3_

_[2 Missed Calls]_

_Jean?_

_Jean?_

_I’m starting reeducation today. It’s kinda scary… Don’t worry tho, I’ll be fine! You can come after 2pm, I’ll be in my bedroom waiting. And I think it could help to see you._

_If you want to._

_Hey Jean, I don’t know if you get my texts. I’d really like to see you. Please come._

_[1 Missed Calls]_

_Update: I’m having another surgery today because it somehow got worse in my arm. It’s not hurting, but it doesn’t really look good… They’re no removing it, don’t worry XD._

_Every surgery I have is so scary. I’m alone most of the time and that’s... I hope you’ll come._

_So, the surgery went well. I still can’t move my arm or feel anything. Hey, at least I’m not getting an infection XD Anyway, I’m going to re-start reeducation next week. I talked to the nurses, they agreed to let you come anytime you want, and yes even at 1am. I beg you to come. I really want to see you._

_The meals here are awful. If you ever come, please bring me some food. We could eat it together ^_^_

_Armin brought me DVD’s and I managed to have a TV in my room. I let you guess what it means ;) We could binge watch the entire Avengers saga or the Jurassic Park one, you can choose (please if you do, choose the Avengers)_

_School started again, huh? I’m sorry I can’t be physically with you, but I’ll be by your side mentally! Be strong Jean! And don’t skip school!_

_Why are you not answering my texts? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Please tell me Jean. I don’t like this situation at all._

_[6 Missed Calls]_

_Sorry to bother you at 3am. I just had a panic attack. It’s… really hard. The images…of them…they keep coming back. I want to talk to someone, someone who can understand. I couldn’t think of anyone but you. Please Jean, I need you. I can’t do that alone._

_Hello. The guys came to see me in the hospital after the graduation ceremony today. You can join or come after they leave. My door is always open for you._

Those messages left me shaking and crying in the bathroom.

It hurt so much… My heart and my soul were broken. No wonder why he never loved me, I was such an asshole, making his life worse than it already was. I could’ve helped me but didn’t because of my selfishness. The worst is I was also the cause of his problems.

The call was too strong. I ran out of the bathroom to find my bag. I absolutely needed these pills, more than I needed to eat or drink. Nothing else in this goddamned world mattered more than these pills, the only thing that made me through my shitty life. They were my best friends, always with me.

I swallowed three at a time, even if that was highly not recommended. But the pain had to go away and that was the only way possible. I couldn’t live like that. The pills immediately knocked me out and I fell on the couch like a lifeless doll.

In the middle of the night, around 2, I woke up. My wobbly legs carried me to the kitchen and I grabbed something to eat. Then I put my fat ass on the couch and turned on the PS4. My phone was nowhere to be found. I played until I fell asleep once more in the morning.

I forgot about Marco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important Note:  
> Don't be like Jean. Drugs and depression aren't cool, they won't make you swag and will absolutely not make anything better. If you think you, or anyone you know, have a problem, seek help from someone you can trust. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> See you soon for the last chapter, and take care of you <3
> 
> PS: If you have any theory about what's happening in the next chapter, I'll be more than happy to read them!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER!!! 
> 
> (And also the biggest one!!!)

10:00 am.

The alarm on my phone rang and woke me up. I growled. It was awful to wake up this early, but I had no other choice. The next day, I was moving to Sina and I had a lot of stuff to deal with before doing so. And none of them were enjoyable.

It was like starting a new life but you already know it’s going to be shit. I’d need to find a new dealer, some place to be alone, how to avoid people… That was surely not going to be easy, and maybe took a long time but it could be worth it. I had the chance to go back to the beginning, I wouldn’t want to mess this up.

I sighed and got up. First thing I did, like I always do, take a good old shower to wake up. I started with cold water, to be sure my body understood I was awake, and then turned the water to something warmer. It was hard to do, but I didn’t spend more than 40 minutes in it, a word record for me. After that, I put clothes on. Jean, shirt, and my good old leather jacket (the only one I had left).

In order to do all the things I planned that day, I needed good shoes, ones that will maintain a good grip on my ankle. I had to do everything without a car, and I knew my feet would have a lot to do. Walking for the whole day, what a nice perspective. I opted for a pair of combat boots, not the smartest thing to put on in summer.

Then I took my bag from the closet and opened it. I shoved my wallet in it, with sandwiches and a bottle of water. As I walked around the house to gather the stuff I needed, I saw the pills on the couch. And next to it was Jean Jr staring at me with his completely dead eyes.

“What?”

He kept his mouth shut. And that made me crazier than anything else in the world. I wanted to punch his pretentious little face, burn it, destroy it so he would stop mocking me like that.

“I’ll take them if I want to, and you’ve got nothing to say about it!”

He didn’t move at all, sign it wasn’t listening to me, or pretending I was just some background noise.

“So that’s how it is? You’re gonna make me think it’s my fault? Don’t you dare put the blame on me! _I’m_ the victim here, can’t you fucking see it!”

…

“It’s because of this stupid society! I was never meant to fit in here, I knew it and look what they’ve done to me! I’m the fucking weirdo of this whole town!”

He was making fun of me, resting on the couch like it was an old psychiatrist and I was in a mental hospital.

“Stop making me feel bad! And don’t pretend to know my life better than I do! I’m stuck in my own head; in this hell; and I can’t get out of it!”

…

“I will do what _I_ think is good for me! So shut the fuck up you fucking piece of shit.”

I grabbed the plushie the strongest I could and shoved it inside my bag like an old shirt. The pills immediately joined him. If I had no self-control, I would have probably spitted on it or something. No, I just closed the bag angrily.

11:16 am.

Finally, I was ready to leave. I grabbed my bag, put it on my shoulders and locked the door. My footsteps were slow, it took me 3 minutes to go down the stairs. Fucking stupid legs. I stepped outside and almost stepped back in because of the sun. I had forgotten we were in the middle of summer.

“Well, it’s going to be fun,” I said to myself.

On the way, I didn’t listen to music. Since it was the last time I was going to walk in these streets, I decided I might as well listen. Also because I was a bit on the nerves lately -for obvious reasons- and needed to hear what was going on around me.

The town was empty. All the inhabitants were on vacations somewhere really, really far away. Good for me.

I had to walk for 30 minutes-ish to get where I wanted and that gave me plenty of time to think. Which I used to be utterly obsessed with how green the grass around me was. Seriously, it was so fucking bright I thought I took hallucinogens in the morning instead of my usual pills. No, the grass was just _that_ green. I didn’t know if it was because of the sun, or just because I hadn’t got out for weeks and forgot what grass normally looks like. The last one was more likely.

That was the first time I was coming back to my house since, you know, that day. Needless to say, it wasn't a house anymore. Just pieces of wood, concrete and other materials piled up on the ground. I doubted I could find anything in this mess. And it smelled so bad, my lungs were burning from all the dust and cinders I breathed.

I tightened my bag’s straps and started climbing. It was stupid, I know. I wasn’t in a good shape and could have sprained my ankle at every step I took. The pieces were big enough for me to lean and step on them but they weren’t very steady. Scared me a few times.

After getting to what I assumed was where the kitchen was, I realized I was exhausted. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped working out months ago. As I bent down to catch my breath, I noticed a few of my mom’s kitchen supplies under there. They were all broken and distorted. I looked closer and even saw half burnt food. There was nothing interesting here, so I moved further on the debris.

Then I got to the stairs. They were easily recognizable, even damaged. Everything had this dark grey/brown color. The color of ashes. I followed the trails of the steps, carefully not stepping on them -a breeze could have broken the wood. I gulped when I laid eyes on what used to be my room’s door.

My bed was still there, buried under some part of the roof. Suddenly I had a vivid memory of the night I spent with Marco on that bed. Memory was the only thing I had left of that night. But I didn’t want to think about it.

I closed my eyes for a second. I didn’t know exactly why I came, or what I was looking for. But I was going to find it. I took off my bag and put it on a rather flat piece of wall. Then I rolled my sleeves up and began working. I removed the piece I could lift, to get to my bedroom.

There wasn’t much of my room left. My desk was torn in pieces, just like my closet. None of my books had survived, they were all burnt down to ashes. That was something I knew already but seeing it with my own eyes was different. It made me realize how I could never bring anything back, how I’d have to live with what was left from now on.

Under broken glasses, I found a small black box. It was almost untouched by the fire. I began removing the pieces of glass and one of them cut the palm of my hand right in the middle.

“Fuck!! Oh shit, shit, shit…”

It was bleeding a lot, almost like a torrent of red water. I stumbled on the debris, making my way to the bed. Lucky me, some parts of the bed sheets were intact. I ripped one and wrapped my hand with it. Blood immediately stained it.

The fabric allowed me to remove the rest of the broken glasses without damaging my hand more. I extracted the little box from that mess. I knew what it was supposed to contain, but I still opened to be sure it was there. The necklace was lying in it, like nothing happened around it. I slipped the box into my bag.

I got back into digging through the pieces, not really sure I would find anything else worth bringing back. None of my clothes had survived, same for the books. It sucked that I’d have to buy everything again, but I wasn’t worried: my father gave us plenty of money. We had enough to buy everything we owned twice and more. She had chosen a good lawyer. Technically he got the house, but for what it was worth… I’m certain he planned on destroying the rest, to build a new house or to sell it. Hence why I was there digging up in the shit like a dog.

Above what was my desk stood a gigantic piece of wood that probably came from the roof. I was surprised it hadn’t completely turned to ashes. First, I tried to move it with my hands, but it didn’t do anything. So I kicked it, almost losing my balance in the process, and managed to move it to the side, creating a small hole big enough for my arm.

I slipped my arm through the hole and began searching. I hoped I could get my phone charger, or I don’t know something useful. My hand stumbled upon some kind of book. I grabbed it and extracted it from under there.

Except it wasn’t just a book. It was the notebook Marco gave me for my birthday. The edges were burnt and the cover was torn apart.

I stared at it for 5 minutes, the time I needed to decide on what to do with it in my head. My brain was telling me to put it back where I found it, and my heart was also telling me to put it back. So guess what I did? That’s right I threw it inside my bag, along with all the other stuff I didn’t know why I kept. Well, I could still be used, leaving it there would have been a waste of paper.

The rest of the morning was unsuccessful. Beside the necklace and the notebook, I wasn’t able to find anything worth saving. Funny how the two I had were Marco-related. I don’t know if it was the universe sending me a message, and if it was, I majestically ignored it.

I didn't find my Marco journal. It must have disappeared, burried under tons of ashes.

My stomach was growling, so I stopped and went back to my bag. I grabbed my phone in the inner pocket of my bag.

12:35 pm

After working hard during the morning, I decided to give myself a break. I found a piece of wall I could sit on without falling or making it move. I opened my bag and took the sandwiches. Ham and cheese, my favorite.

While eating, I observed around. The place really looked desolating. Like a bomb fell right there, exploded, and destroyed everything in a flash, leaving nothing but fragments of the past. That vision sent shivers down my spine, reminding me of something I’d never want to remember. Gladly, I’d never have to live that again, since there was no war here.

The sandwiches completely dried out my mouth, and I had to drink half of my water to have saliva again. That’s why I hate sandwiches. Among other things.

After I ate, I relaxed a bit. I still had a whole day in front of me and not that many things to do. I let the sun kiss my face, or something like that, and it wasn’t that bad. Actually, it felt pretty good, warming me slowly.

However, I had no need for a burnt and put an end to this tanning secession quickly. I gathered my stuff, made sure everything was safe in my bag, and left. Getting out of this mess was a bit easier than when I got in. I didn’t sprain my ankle, which was a big win for once.

While I was walking down the street, fine on my own, a small black car stopped next to me. The passenger’s window went down, revealing a way-too-smiley Sasha.

“Hey Jean! What are you doing?”

“Nothing in particular…”

“We’re driving Armin to the train station, well Mikasa’s driving, wanna come?”

I had nothing else to do for 4 hours and needed a way to kill time.

“Why not.”

“Jump in!”

I opened the door to the backseat, where Armin and Eren were already sitting, and climbed in. Armin had the biggest consideration by sitting between me and Eren. They didn’t say anything about my hand.

Mikasa was a really good driver. I think she got her license in the summer, a piece of cake for her. Sasha told me Eren failed three times and was so mad Mikasa got it on the first try. I always say she’s 100% better than him.

They said Armin had to leave for the university because his classes were starting tomorrow already. Which I found kind of early, even for college. Wasn’t Marco supposed to be at the same school? So why hadn’t he left too?

I also found the absence of Connie strange, none of them mentioning him, not even Sasha. Maybe he was busy. Nonetheless, the car was lively, with Sasha and Eren screaming instead of talking.

The way to the train station was taking more time than I remembered. I suspected that Mikasa was driving around the city to stay with Armin a little longer. Everyone was too excited about it to notice.

2:04 pm

Armin’s train was at 2:30, we had time to visit the shops nearby. A grocery store. How great. Armin was excited about a science magazine he found, and Eren bought a dozen cans of sprite for a reason I don’t want to know…

Sasha walked in front of the food aisle and didn’t look at it.

Mikasa found a book about vampires she said she would read during her own train ride to Trost in a week. All of them were going to Trost, Eren and Armin would share a room, Mikasa had her own. Sasha didn’t know yet.

As for me, my father had insisted I should be at the college dorm all year long. I suppose he wanted me to be less with my mother or just for her to be alone. I was fine with that. I’d have no roommate, a bathroom just for myself and a TV. I couldn’t ask for something better honestly. 

2:30 pm

The train arrived. There were a lot of people waiting for it, mostly first year students just like Armin. Some were crying, some were alone, some were with their family. And there was Armin who chose to be with his friends for that.

He started by giving Sasha a hug. She responded by hugging him tighter, lifting him off the ground. Then he gave me a hug I couldn’t give back because of how surprised I was. And finally he hugged Eren and Mikasa. I thought he would cry, since he’s a bit emotional, but he didn’t. He would see them again in a week anyway.

We waved at him as the train left the station. That’s when I realized high school was over and nothing would ever be the same anymore. We’d never have lunch at the cafeteria together again, we’d never complain about M. Ackerman’s classes anymore, we’d never die of exhaustion in PE ever again, we’d never have to eat tasteless burgers anymore, we’d never found each other to chat at the break again… All the things that made high school somehow special… they were gone with that train.

Mikasa drove us back in town. Nobody was talking this time, as if the good mood left with Armin. Sasha turned on the radio, to have some noises I guess.

“… _they’ve attacked us twice already; we can’t let these ‘Titans’ do any more damages to our country! They’re-_ “

She immediately turned it off. I could see her again shaking as she took it away. The atmosphere was worse than before.

“I’ll kill them…” mumbled Eren.

“What?” I turned around to the other side of the backseat to see him. He was looking at the window, his fists clenched. He had always looked angry but that time, there was more than that. There was only rage, a strong desire to hurt and kill.

“I’ll kill all of them. I’ll make sure they’re all dead and they’ll pay for- “

“Eren.”

Mikasa stopped him with a single word. I would’ve stopped too if I were Eren. He sighed and kept looking through the window like an emo.

The ride to Sasha’s house was wordless, only interrupted by the sound of the car’s engine and Eren’s mumbling. Once we arrived, Sasha kissed Mikasa goodbye and threw a peace sign at me and Eren. Unexpected but not strange.

“Where do I drop you?” asked Mikasa once Sasha left the car.

“Close to the town hall please.”

“Okay.” 

She drove me there without a word. I only murmured a quick ‘goodbye’ before leaving the car. I took a deep breath and went on my way. That day felt like an entire week compressed, it was exhausting. Fortunately, the next thing I had to do could help be relax a bit before the rest of this never-ending day. 

3:26 pm

When I entered, the coffee shop was empty, aside from the baristas. The girl behind the counter sighed and put her phone down when she saw me.

“Good afternoon, what can I get you?”

“An iced coffee and a chocolate muffin please.”

If I were honest, I wasn’t there to eat and drink. That was just the only place I could hang out at while being alone without looking like a weirdo. I had my best friend with me, aka my phone, and two hours. Twitter just had to do its thing.

Overall, it was a bad idea. Because as soon as I sat down, I remembered that time I went there with Marco. Felt like years ago. We were so young and stupid, especially me, thinking it could last forever. His gorgeous smile kept coming back to my mind. We were laughing, having fun without any worries. We were free. I wondered if he remembered that day like I do: something out of time where there were just the two of us being together.

I kicked Marco out of my head. He had been there for too long, and I needed room for other things. Like this cool meme I had seen. And this video of a cat attacking a banana. Important stuff. I also removed the fabric I had on my hand. The blood had dried and it hurt a bit when I moved my hand, otherwise it seemed fine. Fine enough to scroll on Twitter for two hours at least.

5:30 pm

The second alarm of the day on my phone went on. It was time for me to go to the post office. I needed to get a package containing all my books for college. Since my mother didn’t want to have anything to do with college, I had to pick them up myself.

I walked slowly to the post office, like really slow. I also tried to enjoy it, to feel the air around me, to appreciate nature, etc. I failed because of some asshole with an old bike loud as hell.

6:12 pm

The post office was empty, I told you no one’s there during summer, apart from an old lady complaining about a letter she couldn’t send. I walked to the counter where a middle-aged woman was yawning in front of her computer.

“Excuse me? Jean Kirstein, I’m here to pick up a package.”

“Wait a minute please.”

She left through a door on her right and I leaned on the counter to wait. The old lady was still trying to send her letter and the poor employee kept explaining to her that she had to use another stamp for it to be sent. She kept refusing, saying she couldn’t afford to buy another stamp. It amazed me. Old people are really tenacious, particularly when they think they’re right (and most of the time, they’re not).

10 minutes later, the woman hadn’t come back yet. I wondered if she was doing something else inside that room. I decided to play some mini-game on my phone while waiting. The old lady next to me gave up, leaving the office while bitching about the entire government. Just for a letter. Send a fucking email old hag.

20 minutes later, the door opened and the woman came back to me. She looked a bit embarrassed and I quickly understood why.

“What did you say your name was?” she asked.

“Jean Kirstein.”

“Could you spell it?”

“J-E-A-N K-I-R-S-T-E-I-N.”

“Oh, that’s why I couldn’t find you, I thought it was John.”

Classic. I sighed and she went back into the room, this time just for a minute. She gave me the package and asked for a signature. It was that simple and yet it took almost 30 minutes because she couldn’t spell my name right. Come on, it’s not that hard. They just don’t want to use their brain, if they have one.

The package was super heavy, I guessed it had to contain maybe eight books or so. I shoved it down my bag, carefully not to smash anything in it. Except for Jean Jr. That damn plush could die.

Now I had to go to the dinner, at the other side of the town of course, to meet with Reiner, Berthold, and Annie. They had invited me to spend some time with them before classes started again. They chose the dinner, and I was too tired to protest. After I grasped that I had to walk for 45 minutes to get over there, I regretted not suggesting another place.

What’s more my feet began to reach their limit. Walking was getting more painful with every step. I tried to ignore that and keep going. The dinner was ten blocks away, I could make it with some determination.

Just when I thought the worst was behind me, it started to rain. I sighed and ran. I could’ve stayed under the rain, that wasn’t a problem, but I was going to a restaurant and needed to look a little bit good. And ‘wet dog’ is not a good look.

I found a shelter in front of the restaurant. My hair was entirely wet, and I tried to shake it with my hands to dry it. Note: that was pretty useless. I gave up on it, no one would care about that. Then I looked at the time on my phone.

8:27 pm

The dinner hadn’t changed at all since the last time I was there. Didn’t keep a good memory of it. I tightened the straps of my bag one more time; it was starting to become annoying but I couldn’t help it.

I arrived at their table. There was Ymir sitting next to the window and to Krista who had Reiner next to her. In front of them were Annie and Berthold. They were only five and it still felt a lot to me. Mostly because they weren’t the quietest people.

“Look who’s here!” screamed Reiner. I swear I saw all the other customers in the dinner giving us a death glare.

“Yeah.”

I slipped on the seat next to Berthold. They hadn’t ordered anything yet, but I doubt they were waiting for me. They had already been chatting together for a while.

They were talking about their summer, how it was so wonderful and how sad they were that it was ending. Gladly, they didn’t ask me much about how mine was. ‘ _Oh, you know just the usual: getting drugged, sleeping, having panic attacks, getting more drugged, avoiding everyone I know...Nothing sensational._ ’

Apparently, they went by the sea together in July, like with the whole gang minus me. And Marco. They told me he refused to go because he wasn’t feeling it. They didn’t even ask me if I wanted to come. I would have probably ruined everyone’s day with my attitude anyway. And I would also have refused to come too in the first place, so... It wouldn’t have made such a difference in the end, but I was mad they didn’t bother to ask me.

Then, after telling the story of how Eren almost drowned, they finally decided to order. Reiner asked for half a dozen dishes just for himself, in complete opposite Annie ordered a single drink, Ymir and Krista a milkshake to share (ugh so cute, make me wanna throw up) and Berthold asked for a portion of french fries.

“What about you, Jean?”

“Uh... I’ll take... some...uh...a regular coke. Please.”

You could see I hadn’t really interacted with people for the last months.

The longer I stayed with them, the more I realized that I shouldn't have come there. I mean there’s a lot of things I shouldn’t have done, and this one definitely wasn’t the worst, but at that moment, it felt weird to be in the middle of this group of friends, like a disgusting worm in the middle of butterflies.

The waitress brought us everything we ordered 15 minutes after. Reiner clapped his hands and literally attacked his food like a starved man. Berthold awkwardly offered some fries to Annie; she ate one before taking a sip of her drink.

The coke wasn’t very appetizing, but what else could you expect from that kind of drink? Honestly at that point, a coke was the least hurtful thing I could do to my body.

“Found a dorm yet Krista?”

“Yes, there’s this room, not that far away from the uni. It’s small but cozy.”

“And the bed is big enough for us two,” added Ymir while bringing Krista closer to her with her arm.

“Almost everyone’s coming to Trost, it’s great we all are going to be together! It’s gonna be so much fun!” Reiner said joyfully.

“You’ll see, it’s a great city, there’s a lot of things to do,” pointed out Berthold.

“Oh yeah it’s fucking awesome. And you Jean? Where are you going?”

“Sina.”

This word set a cold on the table. Maybe they expected me to go to Trost, following everyone like a little sheep. They were all going to be hanging out together and have the fun of their lives, fully enjoying their time as college students while I was stuck alone at Sina.

“Didn’t have a choice.”

“It’s great too, they have...a good reputation.”

They didn’t.

“Yeah, Annie’s moving there too!”

Well, that was new. I looked at her, but she didn’t seem to want to take part in this conversation. She never told me about it, never mentioned Sina in any way. That was kind of odd and coming out of nowhere. She must have had a personal reason to leave Trost. I’d never know, she never shared her feelings.

“Oh. Good thing, I guess.”

Annie shrugged. Berthold looked sad, confirming the theory that he was in love with her. Or at least had some deep sentiments toward her. It’s not like he would ever confess. And Annie had no interest in men.

10:34 pm

I was getting bored. This night was endless, and not in a good way. But I couldn't go home, at least not before midnight to be sure my mother was asleep. She hadn’t texted me yet, which probably meant she went out too.

“I have to leave you guys, my mom is asking for me,” I lied. Yeah, I was that desperate. After spending 2 full hours with them, I could only want to escape. In a way I was lucky to not go to Trost for college. Reiner would have force me to attend every parties he organised. 

“Okay.”

They didn’t care. Well, it wouldn’t have been so different if I stayed. I wasn’t part of their group of friends. They didn’t care if I was there or not, it was the same to them. My presence was as important as a white colored pencil.

“Bye Jean!” Krista said as I got up and left. No one else said a thing. Krista was really super nice, goddess kind of nice.

I went to the counter and paid for the coke I didn’t finish. Reiner or Ymir would be happy to drink the rest of it.

It had stopped raining for a moment. There were a lot of puddles on the pavement, and water dripping from everywhere, especially from the trees. The sun was down, no stars was up in the sky and the lights in the streets were on. It made me feel like going to purchase some drugs.

My phone buzzed once, the signal for a text. I asked myself who the fuck would want to talk to me at this time in the night. The answer should have been obvious.

10:42 pm

**Marco**

_We need to talk. Tonight._

I don’t think I ever got a text scarier than that one. It literally made my heart stop beating. Because this text definitely meant I was going to get my ass beaten by Marco.

First thing I did was try to think of what I did wrong these last few weeks. We hung out together a few times, three in total. But I didn’t recall doing anything bad.

He couldn’t play video games anymore, not with only one valid arm. We were only watching movies together. Or shows, depending on his mood. We stayed inside, never went out to the coffee shop, or just for a walk, and never more than 4 hours.

Well, I did learn that his birthday was in fact not in July but in June, and that I had completely missed it. I was too embarrassed to get him something a month later. So, I didn’t get him anything and never brought the topic of birthdays in conversations out of fear. No doubt he would have been mad at me, with all the stuff he did for mine.

One day, we were at his place watching some crappy movie and I told him about Sina. I had expected a big reaction, like tears, hug, stuff like ‘ _but how are we going to survive far away from each other?_ ’, a kiss maybe, the beginning of plans to meet during the year, and why not plans to be together again.

But instead, he just answered:

“Oh. Okay.”

And he kept watching the movie.

The next time, I noticed his hair was longer. He hadn’t cut it for a while, and he could almost do a manbun with it. It wasn’t for aesthetic purposes; it was actually to hide his face behind it. He was also always standing or sitting on my right, so I would only see his left side, the ‘good’ side. Although his wounds never bothered me.

I wanted to see him again.

**Me**

_Sure, where?_

**Marco**

_The park._

Of all the places that existed in this world he had to choose this one. At least I could buy some pills before to help get through it. No need to be a god to know it was going to be hard.

Marco didn’t give me an hour for our meeting, so I immediately began my way to the park. I was walking with the head low and heavy feet.

The park was empty when I arrived. I still walked around it twice to be sure Marco wasn’t already there waiting for me. That gave me the opportunity to choose our meeting point. Somewhere far away from the dealers, who could easily recognize me.

The swing set was perfect.

It was illuminated by a light pole hidden in the nearby trees. I sat on it. The seat was wet from the rain, but it was too late. The last of my worries was my ass being soaked. The chains looked strong enough to hold my weight. I rocked back and forth with my feet. The sudden movement made water drip from the structure. One drop fell on my head. I grimaced.

11:00 pm

The church’s bell rang eleven times. I was surprised there was still someone at the church this late just to ring a bell no one hears. Dedication I guess.

No Marco in sight. I thought about how funny that would be if he didn’t show up. But considering the fact that we wouldn’t see each other for a year, he wouldn’t have missed that. He had to tell me I was a big piece of shit before leaving. Joke on him I knew that already. And he couldn’t just want to tell that, he had to have something else in mind…Something not good for me.

11:26 pm

I was getting sick of waiting for him. With every second I got more anxious. I promised myself that if he wasn’t there at midnight I would leave. 34 minutes to wait. It wouldn’t be over in a flash, but to make it seem like, I swallowed two pills.

They instantly relieved my pain. My heartbeat slowed down and my body relaxed. I got back to rocking on the swing, like a kid who doesn’t know how to use it. Which brought me to wonder if I still know how to. It had been a while since the last time I was on a swing.

“Hey.”

My hands clenched on the chains harder. I looked in front of me, but I could hear him wipe the water off the seat next to mine and sat down afterwards. None of us said a thing for a few minutes before he asked:

“Have you been waiting for a while?”

“Five minutes.”

“I was afraid to be late, I had to wait until gran fell asleep to leave the house.”

“Okay.”

That conversation was so uncomfortable and awkward. If someone who didn’t know any of us heard what we were saying they could have thought we just met.

“You know why I asked you to come here?”

“I think.”

“That’ll make things easier.”

Easier for what? At that point, I regretted when I didn’t know why he wanted to see me 2 minutes ago. My heartbeat started to get faster again.

“What do you mean?”

He sighed.

“You’re living for Sina tomorrow, right?”

“Yes?...” I didn’t see where he was going with that.

“Well, you know, I’ll be at Trost next week, and it’s pretty far away. We won’t be able to see each other. We just have our phones, and we both know you’re not very talkative on the phone or with texts. And I don’t think I can have a long distance relationship like that…What I’m saying is- “

“You’re breaking up with me?”

“Yes. But don’t worry, we can still keep in touch with each other. I’m not kicking you out of my life.”

I couldn’t tell if my heart was beating anymore. It didn’t feel like it was in my chest. Maybe it got scared and ran away before any heartbreak.

“Although it’s not really a break-up.” Marco continued. “From the start we haven’t been really dating, don’t we? It was more like friends who kissed sometimes. Not even friends with benefits. I didn’t even know what we were. Were we even friends?”

“Yes I did- “

“Then why you never came to see me at the hospital?”

I made the mistake of turning my head around. He was there, looking at me with watery eyes like he was crying. My heart twitched. I found myself unable to utter any word, in contrast with how the words were rushing in my head. I wanted to tell him everything. Tell him I wished I was there. Tell him I was a complete idiot who would never deserve him. Tell him about my mom. Tell him about the drugs. Tell him about the letter. Tell him all the things I never told him. Tell him ‘ _I love you_ ’.

But I stayed silent.

“You know I needed you. I was alone Jean. Alone in this, and … and it was so scary.” His voice cracked. “I know it wasn’t easy for you either. So why didn’t we get through this together? Why did you want to make us both suffer?”

“I didn’t- “

“It has always been like that,” he interrupted. “You always do what you want, no matter how bad it is for you and the people around you. You hurt everyone with your selfishness and think it’ll never have consequences.”

_No. No. No. It’s not true Marco… Please understand me. I never wanted it to be that way. I messed up. Let me fix things. Give me a second chance._

“I’m not- “

“It’s the same thing, over and over… You, you, you, you, it’s always about you! For fuck’s sake Jean, do you ever think about anyone else but yourself? Do you even realize you’re not the only one living in this world? Do you even care about what can happen to other people?”

He got up from the swing and walked around the face hidden behind his hand. There wasn’t any sadness anymore, it was all anger. That was the first time I saw him like this. I hardened my grip on the chains to the point my knuckled became white. I had to answer, or at least say something. I couldn’t let him talk any longer, I had to make him stop.

“Will you...ugh...you…you have to understand that the entire world isn’t about you, Jean.”

“Yeah, but if I don’t care about me, then who will? My absent parents? My so-called friends? Who?”

“Me. I do…I did,” he answered calmly. I should’ve stayed silent.

“You don’t.” and with these two words, I managed to piss him even more than he was, in a way that would be irreversible.

“Oh, really I don’t? Now you’re telling me what I think? Who would know that better than you, right? Because you, you know everything, and you can guess exactly what I think! Then read my mind right now and see what I think about you!”

He walked towards me and I swear I could feel my muscles becoming as stiff as metal. He was looking so…menacing.

“You keep pushing everyone away like you can do everything by yourself! But spoiler alert, you can’t! And it’s the same for the people who would do anything for you, like your mother, like…You treat them like shit even though they’re doing their best! Have you even thought about the impact of your words?”

“I’m not- “

“You’re not what? Sorry? Yeah I know that. You never apologize for what you did wrong. You just did like nothing happened and think I would magically forget about it. And it was worse after the fair, when your friends needed you most. Sasha lost her sister, but did you talk to her once? No. Connie lost his mother -his mother! - and you didn’t comfort him. I lost the ability to use almost half of my body, and you didn’t help me. You’ve lost your house; we could have helped you. Instead you were so stubborn and proud of yourself that you stayed alone.”

He walked away again, closing and opening his fist. Every part of my body was tensed up. I just wished he would have stopped there. It was too much to take, and I was never strong enough to do it. He kept going.

“Do you… - Did you even think of me as a friend? Did you love me? Or did you use me to make you feel superior, just like you always do?”

_Yes, of course I love you, I love you so much I don’t know how to show it. I love you like I never loved before. I love you to the point it hurts. You don’t know how much I love you but I want you to, give me a chance to show you... I wasn’t using you; I never have… you’re important to me…Please don’t say that. Don’t say that. Don’t say that. Don’t. Say. That._

“Did I matter to you at some point? Or am I a pathetic loser like everyone else- “

“ _Mais putain, ferme ta gueule et va te faire foutre Marco!”_

“What...”

It took him a second of incredulity to understand I spoke french. And that second was enough to make me regret it. He got his phone out of his pocket. I prayed he never understood what that meant. He typed stuff on it. I closed my eyes. He was translating what I said. It took him a few seconds.

“Fine.” He just said.

I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me with the most disdainful glance I ever got. Then he turned around and left. Just like that.

He walked away, getting closer and closer to the dark. He was running away from me and there was nothing I could do. My body couldn’t move. The words were stuck in my sore throat. I was forced to sit there and watch as he was abandoning me. He never looked back. Tears were running down my face. He got further and further away, his silhouette becoming blurry.

And he disappeared in the night.

I was alone, crying and weeping on the swing.

Why did I think it was going to be any different? Why did I ever imagine it was going to get better? It never does. Life is an endless fall. You only get down, deeper and deeper until you hit rock bottom.

Marco was right. Everything he said was true, and even if I subconsciously knew it, it hurt a lot more to hear it from him. And now, karma was against me. It was punishing me for all I did by taking away Marco from me.

No…No. It wasn’t because of the karma or the universe. It was me. I did that to myself. Marco went away because of how I behaved. If I had been a better person…maybe he would be with me now, trying to help me find a solution for my problems.

_No, don’t think about it, don’t think about how great it would have been-_

He would help me with my drug issues, and I would help him feel better about his wound. We’d worked together on how we could deal with college and being apart. He’d hold my hands and tell me it’ll all be okay. He’d give me a hug, because he knows I love his hugs so much. Then we’d both lay on his bed and looked at each other all night long… If I had been better, we could’ve had everything. All, just for us.

I need to stop fantasizing.

Marco left me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m meant to be alone, that’s just it. And he’s meant to be happy. Without me.

0:00 am

The church’s bell made me jump on my seat. Its sound was loud, too loud, covering up my cries. I put my hands over my ear but it didn’t do anything. I still heard the echoes of this damn bell inside my skull.

The tears wouldn’t stop running on my face. My body wouldn’t stop shaking.

That day, I had lost everything. My life had become nothing than a void. If I just had a second chance, I would do anything for him. And I don’t care if he doesn’t love me back. I would die for him. Why did I have to understand that after he left?

I didn’t like a lot of things in life.

But …I had to lose him to realize… my sunshine…Marco….

I love him.

“I love you, Marco…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I can't believe it's over. It was my first big project ever, and I'm glad I finally finished it! There's so many things I'd like to say but I'll keep in short. A HUGE thanks to my friend [ YuriNoHana ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YuriNoHana) who beta read the whole thing! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who stayed with me during this journey, I love you all so much!
> 
> Take care of you <3


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